I had woken up in the late morning of the next day. I had planned to get up earlier, but everything that happened last night had left me drained and exhausted. Unfortunately, I missed Princess Luna too, who is more than likely sleeping right now, so I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye. I will definitely write her a letter every now and then.
That was earlier. Right now it is about midday. Although I wasn’t a torn up mess like I was last night, I was still feeling the same emptiness I had felt at the train station. I did my best to not think about it.
Speaking of train station, I had just departed from Canterlot back to Ponyville. Being that the ride would be a while, I opted to just draw and listen to my Walkman. Decided to listen to some Johnny Cash. I was a bit stuck on what I wanted to draw, so I went through my sketchbook to see what I haven’t drawn yet. That was until I landed on the ship I drew yesterday. I have never been on a boat before. I’m not one for water, my desire to fly was much greater. I would like to try it out one day, though, just to experience it.
Now that I think about it, I’ve seen some sky ships around here, especially near Canterlot and Cloudsdale. Wouldn’t that be cool, to be on a ship in the sky. There’s literally not a single place you couldn’t go in a sky ship.
My mind started to drift and my imagination took hold as I started to think about flying one of those babies. I also began to draw a sky ship as well. A very simple one with a simple design, but that’s alright, I like simple.
I wonder how much it is to buy a sky ship anyway? Maybe I could get a smaller one to try it out…how do they even fly anyway? Jet propulsion? Nah, they don’t have anything remotely close to that right now. Perhaps it’s powered like a hot air balloon? Maybe, but sky ships can be quite big so maybe not. It’s like a blimp almost, so maybe something along those lines. Either way, they’re fairly cool. Maybe they got some in Ponyville I could check out that wouldn’t be too bad…Maybe I could travel or something. Maybe in the future. I don’t have much in terms of motivation right now, but it’s a nice thought.
For the rest of the trip back, I had finished my drawing and decided to take a quick nap. I awoke to a voice coming from a speaker box overhead announcing our arrival to Ponyville. I made my way off the train to my home with no rush to make it back, just taking a slow, methodical walk. I didn’t really have anything to look forward to anymore, my life was completely stripped away with no hope of ever getting it back. Right now, I just wanted to go to my new home near the Everfree and spend some time alone. I didn’t even feel like flying, which was unusual, nor did I feel like drawing or listening to music.
Life just seemed so… pointless now. What was I supposed to do? I don’t think I could live out the rest of my days doing nothing, I would certainly need to get a job. Not because I need the money, more so because it would give me something to do so I wouldn’t lose my sanity to boredom. Thing was, I didn’t really find any interest with the jobs in Ponyville, nor did I have the motivation. Stuck between boredom and depression was a helluva experience.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true, I do like making things, and they have some jobs like that here. Back on Earth, I built computers, worked on cars, and had a whole assortment of projects that I had crafted with my own hands. I could always find something similar to that. Then again, I didn’t really have the motivation to even do anything to begin with. Ugh.
Anyway, I made it home and was about to enter my dark abode before something caught my eye. A letter was peaking out from underneath my welcome mat. How odd. I have a mailbox that the mail mare uses. Mostly anyway, sometimes she handed it to me. Nice mare by the way, apparently everyone calls her Derpy because of her eyes, but I didn’t really feel comfortable calling her that. I just called her Muffins instead as she always gives me a muffin when she delivers mail directly to me. Ugh focus Mav.
I picked up the anonymous letter and brought it inside with me. After settling in and finally eating some food, I decided to open the strange letter. It was folded expertly and the hand writing looked quite familiar. Too familiar.
Dear, Maverick
Let me first say that I sincerely apologize for the way I treated you. I know my actions have caused you great emotional harm and what I did was unacceptable. I understand your anger and frustration with me and I want to reconcile with you once you are ready. If you ever need anything, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I don’t want this small conflict to interfere with our friendship. Anyway, please tell my student that all is well and that I said hello.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Heh.
Hah.
Hahaha.
HahahahaHAHAHAHAH!!
She really sent this to me. She really just sent me this god-awful letter to me. “I sincerely apologize”, give me a damn break. “I don’t want this small conflict to interfere with our friendship.” Small? SMALL!? HA! Yeah right! Friends? We aren’t friends you dumb horse. After what you did, I don’t ever want to see you again. I never want to talk to you again. AND I DON’T EVEN TALK TO TWILIGHT. Why does everyone think I’m friends with her!? Oh man, I can’t believe the audacity of this woman. This mare.
I ripped up the letter and threw it across my kitchen with some force as it scattered onto the floor somewhere.
“She really said “small conflict.” What in the ever living hell, man.” I could only rub my ever-growing headache from all of this stupidity. There’s no way she’s this unsympathetic. God, I need a drink. Why don’t these ponies have alcohol when you need it? Ugh.
I just sat at my dining table as I tried not to think about it all. The more I thought about her, the angrier I felt, and the more I thought about what lies ahead, my stress and anxiety grew. I tried to block it out, dissociating completely for what felt like hours. I felt such hopelessness that it like I was floating. My reality started to feel distant as I tightly shut my tearful eyes. I’ve never felt like this before. Not even when my father died. I had accepted what happened and moved on. But this? This was far beyond what I could mentally and emotionally handle.
This cold feeling finally hit a breaking point and an intrusive thought crossed my mind. It was small, barely noticeable. But it was there. And when I did notice it, it began to grow. The thought turned into an idea, and the idea turned into a question. Then, it turned into a statement. And finally, it turned into a desire. A desire of anguish. A desire of death.
I want to kill myself.
A knock at the door broke me out of my thoughts. The day had turned into night as my home was dark and cold. I hadn’t noticed how late it got. I didn’t even know what time it was. I grabbed a lighter and lit some candles and made my way to the door.
“Hey, Mav! You there? Don’t tell me your already asleep!? Mav!” I heard Rainbow call from the other side of my door. A part of me didn’t want to open it, I didn’t want company right now. But I would feel bad if I ignored her. If I could even feel worse at this point.
“Mav?” I heard her say softly through the door. She heard me it seems. I unlock the bolt and open the door.
“Hey there you are. Sorry, I’ve been working all day. I was just wondering what happ-“ She cut herself off as she made full eye contact with me. No doubt I looked as bad as I felt. Which was bad if you needed a clue. Her normal, upbeat expression fell.
“… Mav? What happened?” I didn’t respond. I left the door open as I walked further into the darkness of my home, finding the couch. She took the invitation and shut the door behind her. She took a seat next to me as I stared at nothing. We sat in silence for a moment before I finally decided to talk.
“I can’t go home.” I couldn’t put any energy into my voice even if I tried. Rainbow’s eyes widened. “What do you mean you can’t go home?” She asked. I gave a sigh.
“Exactly what I said. Celestia shut down the project to send me home. It was too dangerous to keep experimenting. Didn’t tell me until last night.” I didn’t look over to Rainbow Dash, but I knew what her expression was. Shock, some confusion, and my favorite—anger.
“She did what!? No way! Princess Celestia would never do something like that! She would do whatever it takes to help her ponies! There’s gotta be some mistake about this.” She threw up her hooves as she shouted. I didn’t want to do any of this right now. I just wanted to di… I just wanted to go sleep for the night already.
“No. There’s no mistake. Both Princess Luna and I spoke with her and the Executive Director of SAM-D about it. They shut it down. She didn’t tell me to spare my feelings. She also sent me a letter saying she was sorry after I left the castle. I left it in the kitchen somewhere.” I couldn’t bring myself to put any emotion behind my words. All I felt was empty.
Rainbow just sputtered before looking down to the floor. Her eyes squinted and her face turned red as she gritted her teeth. “How could she do that!? That is so uncool! You know what!? I’m gonna go give her a piece of my mind! Come on, Mav! Let’s go have a talk with her about opening the project again.” Rainbow was ready to up and head down to Canterlot. I respected her tenacity, she really is a good friend. But there’s nothing she could do about it. It was too dangerous.
“No, Rainbow. She won’t. It’s too dangerous to keep doing the experiments. She said it creates too much friction or something between dimensions when they connect to them. Could cause some weird time and space issues.” She didn’t take that as an answer.
“No, Mav, we need to do something. Like, right now! Let’s go—“ I stop her with my claw as she tried to get up from the couch. “Stop. I already tried to do something. I can’t go home and that’s that, so just fucking drop it already!” Unfortunately, the only emotion I felt now was anger. I didn’t want to yell at her, but I was already passed my breaking point and she was pushing it too far.
Her face dropped as I cursed at her, her ears drooping down behind her head. I let go of her as I held my head with my arms as I covered my eyes.
We sat in silence for a while, before I felt something wrap around me. Took me a moment, but I realized it was Rainbow hugging me. I was surprised, she’s usually not intimate like this, but I let it go. I decided to just accept her embrace as we stayed like that for the rest of night. I thought I was done crying before, but I was wrong. I cried harder than I ever have, putting last night to shame. She didn’t let up. She just hugged me and whispered that everything will be okay. That she was there.
And she was. Rainbow Dash was there when no one else was. When I had no one else. Loyalty indeed Princess Luna. Loyalty indeed.