For as much enthusiasm as Sunset put into that proclamation, I sensed an equal and opposite amount of sarcasm. Something that I have a well-tuned sense of. “Why do I get the feeling you’re holding that smile in place just so you don’t scream?” I asked, entirely sure I did not want an answer. Need? Yes. But no, did not want.
“Well, uh… you remember those long drawn out conversations we had around the time of the Fall Formal about how you’re constantly dealing with an entire school of people -sans a few outliers- who find you generally distasteful on principal?” Sunset asked tentatively. Even though you’ve only really interacted with a couple dozen of them at length? And how, while you say you’re ok with that, because you have a decent circle of friends, everyone who knows you knows that’s only partially true?”
I gave her a disapproving look. “Do you also remember the part where that was nobody else’s bucking business?”
She, at least, seemed to feel a little bad about that. “Well, it is now. Cause if you thought Canterlot High was bad, Canterlot The Royal Capital of Equestria is much worse. Keep in mind the ‘you’ from this side of reality grew up in Canterlot, has had many, many, many encounters with the guards, and has the personal eye and ear of the leaders of the country, as well as over half a dozen diplomats from around the world, is best friends with, and I mean this in the most literal possible sense, THE GOD OF CHAOS, has several honorary prestigious titles, and, apparently, outranks both Twilight and I in certain circles-”
“HONORARY!!!”
“-and still manages to be wildly disliked by a large population of the populace. He got his job as butler to a prince as a punishment to the prince. This Schadenfreude is you, if you managed to somehow become a White House Aid and stop a second Missile Crisis within an hour of each other, then proceeded to glue all the furniture of the Oval Office to the ceiling. I don’t think you’re ready for how much Canterlot isn’t prepared for two of you,” Sunset emphasized.
I sat up in bed, somewhat shell-shocked. “And you want to bring me there… why?!”
Sunset shook her mane. “Oh, no. I’m not taking you anywhere near Canterlot. That was all to explain why, in no uncertain terms, are you to leave this bed until your arm has healed, or we get back.”
Zecora, who for a second had blended into the background (an impressive feat given her stark contrast with the surroundings), nodded and smiled at me. “I will be staying to make sure you heal. Be assured I understand how you feel. Waiting around for others to try to fix all your problems while seconds tick by. I’ll keep you company till they return, at least that much sympathy I think you’ve earned.”
“...ok, so if I’m staying here, and you’re going to the Royal Capital alone, why do you two girls look so put out?” I asked. I was not… enthusiastic about the idea of sitting around waiting for someone else to save the day for me, but marching my injured, female self to the magical capital of the world where everyone seemed to hate me seemed like a much worse option.
Twilight’s eye twitched. “Because… since my demotion in the Equestrian National Unicorn Society, there’s only three ponies in Canterlot with the clearance to the Restricted Section of the Canterlot Archives. One of them is Princess Celestia, who, and I can NOT stress this enough, I really don’t want to explain this scenario to. Another is Princess Luna, who is largely responsible for my demotion, and is of the opinion I should not be left to the restricted section unsupervised, since that’s where I found the puzzle box that got me demoted in the first place. I would also rather avoid that conversation if possible.”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Wait, who’s the third pony… no. Twilight, no. Please, please tell me you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking just to avoid a conversation with the Princesses.”
“But this is a problem from the human world!” Twilight exclaimed. “I can’t go to the Princess and tell her I can’t solve this one either!”
“...what do you mean, this one?” I grumbled.
“The memory stone Wallflower used,” Sunset explained. “I simply nodded in recognition as she continued, “But Princess Celestia was more than happy to help then!”
“They’re also still rather unhappy with a bunch of humans being led through Ponyville as a shortcut to Canterlot High,” Twilight said.
“Ok, that’s not fair, that was my… oh. Ohhhhhhh….” Sunset trailed off. “They, uh… don’t know that was me, do they?”
“Nope. I took the heat for that one, too, just so Celestia wouldn’t go all ‘disapproving mom’ on you the next time you met,” Twilight said.
“Awww, thank you. So wait… this would kind of be strike three, wouldn’t it?”
I couldn’t help but interject. “Nope. Nuh-uh. How is that ok?”
Both unicorns… alicorns… pointy ponies raised an eyebrow at me. “Why… do you care?” Twilight asked.
“Cause it’s not your fault!” I barked “The memory stone was… ok, I don’t know the whole story there, but there is no way in hell you could have foreseen that shenanigans. I also happen to know, through a very blabbermouthy bodybuilder, that the storm staff thing was an unmitigated disaster and you only dragged everyone through Equestria to keep them from drowning. Not to mention we don’t even know who put this bracelet ON ME yet! How are you taking the heat for any of this?!”
Twilight almost looked touched. “That’s sweet, but it’s not just the Princesses I’d have to explain this to. I’d have to explain to them why I need access to the archives, and if anything went south, they’d have to tell the Chancellors.”
“So it’s not just a question of the Princess's approval,” Sunset cut in, “There’s also a huge bureaucratic nightmare waiting in the wings if, Celestia forbid, this gets any worse.”
Twilight groaned. “And there’s only one pony currently in Canterlot with access to the archives and a penchant for skirting both the rules AND the rulemakers.”
That didn’t sound pleasant. “And that would be…”
------------------
“YOU!” I heard a Royal Guard bark from down the hall.
I spun on my hooves. “ME!”
“Why the hell are you roaming the halls on the clock, Schadenfreude?! Everyone in the Castle knows you’re not allowed to leave Blueblood’s side during the day!” said the angry white unicorn, stomping up to me.
“I am also not allowed anywhere near the griffon embassy or it’s representatives!” I explained.
His expression, turned to slight confusion, without losing a drop of anger. An impressive feat, no matter how many guards I see do it. “Why is that impor… tant…” he trailed off. “Oh my god it’s Beak Week.”
Beak Week, also known as the International Avian Diplomatic Conference, was a relatively newly established venture. Being only three years old, the event was both a sporting and cultural festival, and an international conference to debate aerial trade routes, cultural relations, and weather management. Basically, a week of everyone from griffins to hippogriffs, changelings to dragons and, of course, pegasi, to argue over who got to fly what where and why. Given that I was barred from any and all interaction with at least two-thirds of the relevant diplomats, and that Blueblood was, as a member of the Royal family, required to attend any and all diplomatic functions held within Canterlot city limits, I had, for the first time in a while, an entire week off. “So what are /you doing today?” I asked enthusiastically, which caused the guard to turn and march in the other direction. At speed.
Well, half a week off, to be fair. The conference was only for four days, and today was halfway into day one. I also didn’t expect to have all of the fourth day to myself. What I did have, however, was hundreds of flying guests from a hooffull of different countries who weren’t diplomats, and who had never heard of me. While most creatures who did would assume, not without precedent, that I would be taking this time to find as many new victims as possible, I wasn’t after a cheap four-day fix. I didn’t want just one small window of opportunity to mess with people. And, admittedly, I wasn’t looking to cause an international incident (again).
No. I had much bigger plans. With new species come new ideas. New cultures. New inventions. New pranks. I fully intended to spend the next four days learning as many new ways as I could to be absolutely irreverently annoying to the people I already knew.
“Schadenfreude!” I heard a familiar voice yell from behind me. Not angrily though, which was new. Turning around, I was quickly reminded that one of the greatest tools in my arsenal was also the largest double-edged sword one could carry: Murphy’s Law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And, of course, I was not immune.
“Hello, Twilight Sparkle. And… friend?”