//------------------------------// // Chapter 4: Murphy's Law // Story: Hired Gun // by Gyvon //------------------------------// "Twilight, please come out," Wasp pleaded, banging on the door to her suite. He assumed that Twilight had teleported here after blowing her top a few minutes ago. The light sound of hoofsteps inside the suite all but confirmed her presence. "Please, Twilight. I... I just want to apologize. I didn't realize that what I had done was wrong." He was being honest. Never before had a changeling asked for permission to feed. It had been seen as unnecessary and potentially dangerous. Despite their happy-go-lucky disposition, panicking ponies can be dangerous to anything they deem a threat, and herd mentality was strong in their species. "Twilight, what's done is done, and there is no way I can make this up to you, but we still need to work together. So please, could you just open the door and talk to me?" Softly, almost imperceptibly, Wasp heard the clip-clop of hooves walking towards the door. The door swung open, but was caught on the chain lock. Twilight regarded the disguised changeling carefully, showing absolutely no emotion on her face. "I'm sorry too, I probably over reacted. You do have to eat, after all. But still, no more surprises like that." "So... friends?" asked Wasp, smiling nervously. "No, not quite, but-" Whatever Twilight was about to say was interrupted by high-pitched screams, followed by a loud crash coming from Princess Wisp's suite. Ok folks, quick recap of recent events. [1] Transported to a world of magical talking ponies? Check. [2] Learn that my clients are parasitic bug-horses that feed off of love and happiness? Check. [3] Learn that one of my clients feeds through casual sex? Check. [4] Get transformed into a unicorn to better blend in? Check. [5] Client that likes sex asked me to take off my pants? Check. [6] Run around screaming like a prepubescent girl? Oh, I haven't gotten to that last one yet? Well, long story short, I learned pretty quickly how to move as a pony. "I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!" "I am an adult, now get back here!" Wisp yelled, trying to grab hold of me. Unfortunately for her, I was a being slippery little bastard. "Make me!" I shouted as I ran around the room. It was probably the worst thing I could've said, because she took it as a challenge. Unfortunately for me, the changeling Princess fights dirty. Her crooked horn glowed green, and I expected her to try and grab and hold me in place with magic. Oh no, I'm not that lucky. Instead, she grabbed an armoire and pulled it into my path. Unable to turn away in time, I ran head first into the wooden container, smashing the spiteful thing to pieces. Apparently, a unicorn's skull is harder than I thought, as the hit merely dazed me. Still, it gave Wisp a chance to pounce. I was tackled, and held down with my chest (barrel?) on the floor. "Got you now!" she crowed triumphantly, planting her rump firmly in between my shoulders. "Uh, what's going on here? Where's James?" Recognizing the voice of a certain purple unicorn, my eyes darted over to the door, where the voice originated from, and rested on Wasp and Twilight's shocked faces. "Sh... should we come back later?" "NO! Don't go! Save me!" Judging by how much her eyes widened, Twilight was not expecting this at all. "James? Is that you? What's going on? Why are you a unicorn? Wait, scratch that, HOW are you a unicorn? And what's with all the noise?" "Ah he he he," I managed to squeak out. I was still a tad dazed from hitting the armoire of DOOM, so I didn't have an answer immediately. Luckily (or unluckily), Wisp had my back here. "We were trying out his disguise when SOMEPONY completely freaked out when I wanted to see what his Cutie Mark was." I could almost hear the needle scratch on a record player. "Wait, Cutie what?" I asked, struggling in vain to shove the Princess off my back. I swear to god, she took root. "What the hell is that?" I could see a lightbulb go off in Twilight's head as she switched seamlessly into lecture mode. "A Cutie Mark is the mark on a pony's flank that denotes their special talent," she explained, turning so that the starburst on her rump was visible. "It magically appears whenever a pony discovers their talent, and can range from simple to abstract." Well, that explained one mystery at least. "So... the reason you wanted my pants off was to see what my... Cutie Mark is?" Masculinity eroding... eroding... eroding... GONE! "That's right!" Wisp beamed as she finally got off my back. "So... no funny business?" I asked as I stood up and faced my attacker. "Not on the first date," she replied, wiggling her eyebrows as she flashed me a toothy grin. It's official, she's flirting with me. Thing is, and this might be the new body talking, she's actually kinda cute. Oh god, this went someplace creepy. "But right now, I just want to see your Cutie Mark. Besides, even when wearing clothes, most ponies don't wear pants, so you'll still stick out like a sore hoof." That actually hurt my pride a bit. Back in the Marines, I did a lot of field work for ONI, mostly counter-intelligence work. Hell, I even prevented a major bombing attempt on the Al Basrah oil terminal, but that's a story for another time. Right now, though, I was recalling one of my first lessons when I started working with ONI. Blend in. Follow the local customs, eat the local food, wear the local clothing; and I was damned good at it, too. Hell, after a few months in Iraq my commander told me that he could swear that I was born there. This time around should've been easier. Thanks to magic, I looked like a local, and I didn't have to learn a new language this time (sidenote: Arabic's hard). All I have to do to blend in completely is take off my pants. Sighing in defeat, I reached down to undo the buttons... ... Only to fall face first on the floor again. I had forgotten the important fact that I was now a quadruped, which resulted in a very compromising position for me. "Little help, please?" My dignity was further damaged when my audience of three began snickering at my expense. Wisp's horn glowed, and she delicately undid the buttons on my pants' waistband, and gingerly slid them down. Stepping out of my trousers, I turned my head to see the... mark (I am not using that feminine moniker), and couldn't help but grin. It was the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor; also known as the Marine Corp seal. "Huh," Twilight commented. "I've never seen a Cutie Mark like that. I wonder what it means." "It means a lot of things, Twi'." I could ramble on and on about the history of the Marine corp, from Tripoli to Baghdad, but there were a few more pressing concerns. "So, about this transformation amulet. Am I stuck like this for two hours?" "Oh heavens no," answered Wisp. "To turn back at any time, you only have to tap the amulet again." "There is a downside, though," Wasp interjected. "If you ever lose the amulet while transformed, you'll be stuck in that form." What? WHAT? I did not sign up for this! I was expecting a convenient disguise, not the potential to lose out on being human for good! "Wasp," Wisp said venomously. "You fell asleep in enchantment class. If you hadn't, you'd know that he'd only be stuck as a unicorn until either he puts the amulet back on, or the amulet is destroyed." Oh, well, that didn't seem so bad. Good thing at least one of my clients knows what they're doing. With that settled, I decided to change the subject "Alright then, do we need to come up with a plan? How are we going to get to Canterlot anyways?" "We have two options available to us," Wisp said as her horn glowed again and she opened the drawer on the desk. A rolled up map levitated out and landed on the floor in front of me. It unrolled as everypony crowded around me. See, I'm a good counter-intelligence officer. I'd already picked up on the local terminology. The map showed me plenty. Canterlot was smack dab in the center, while we were in the very south. An arrow pointed further south and labelled "to the Badlands, and beyond to Zebraria". What appeared to be rail lines were marked as well, but Land's End was not connected directly to Canterlot. "So, we take the train to Appleloosa," I said, tracing the line with my hoof until I reached said town, which was a little east of due north. "Then we switch trains there and go to Canterlot? Seems simple enough." "That's one idea," said Wasp. "I believe our best course of action is to walk. We'd cross the desert, stopping at these points." Those points seemed to make an arc from just east of Land's End all the way north to the end of the desert, through canyon lands, and into the plains of Equestria. "Those are ancient changeling way stations from back before the railroads were built this far south. They lead from the Hive all the way into the high plains of Equestria, will have plenty of water and adequate shelter, and almost nopony knows about them these days. Our mother transfered these points from an ancient map in the Hive Archives." I just shook my head. "Needlessly complicated. We need to keep this simple. Taking the train will be faster and much easier than crossing through the desert." "Which is why everypony would be expecting it!" Wasp protested. "Any potential saboteur for this peace treaty will try to ambush us on the way to Canterlot. Going through the desert will be the last thing they'll expect." "Again, needlessly complicated. I doubt anypony would try something on a crowded train, and even if they did, that's kinda why I was hired. Besides, those way stations may have water, but what about food? Twilight and I can't survive on emotions, after all!" That got his attention, and he knew I was right. I doubt that anyplace designed to house changelings would take into account the food needs of other species. "... Fine, we'll take the damn train." I had a sneaking suspicion that this wouldn't be the last time Wasp and I butted heads. Still, I took my victory graciously, and only allowed myself a smile. "Well, if that's settled, I think it's time I went to see the Sheriff." With that proclamation, I tapped my amulet twice and was once again wrapped in emerald fire. I was about to turn to walk out, when my new friends' stares gave me pause. "Woah," breathed Twilight. "I'll say," Wisp concurred. It was then that I remembered that I forgot to put my pants back on. Much awkwardness later, I was on my way to the Sheriff's office. Twilight assured me that the hotel room would be safe, that they had been there for weeks without incident. I had been lax when first entering, and hadn't seen the skylight as the big security risk that it was. After voicing this concern, though, Twilight reassured me that the entire room had enough defensive enchantments to repel a rampaging dragon for two hours. Still, I was worried. It's my job to worry. As I entered the Sheriff's office, I noticed that the western theme continued. With the exception of the door labeled "coroner", the place could've been ripped right out of True Grit. Bronze Star was reclining behind a desk with his hat over his eyes, but he was stirred by a bell over the door. "Glad ya could make it, son," he said. "Now, I've got a few questions fer ya. Ole' Fido's been causing trouble in town for a while now, so this is really just a formality. Name?" "James Clark," I replied, taking note of the diamond dog's name. I suppressed the urge to laugh, but only just. "Occupation?" "Private Military Contractor." "Ya mean a mercenary?" "No." I had to remind myself to be polite here. I hope that what holds true on Earth would carry over to this world. Be polite to the police, and they're less likely to look for something you did wrong. Bronze Star just shrugged, accepting my answer I hope. "Alright then, what can you tell me about this?" He pushed a paper on his desk across to me. I picked it up, and nearly dropped it after reading its contents. Your task is a simple one, dog. Soon, a being will arrive in Land's End that has never been seen in Equestria. Your task will be to slay this being by any means necessary. Succeed, and your rewards will be great. Fail, and you shall know torment until the end of your miserable life. The letter was not signed, and was lacking in many details, but I felt a chill run down my spine. "Absolutely nothing," I lied. I didn't want to draw attention to my clients. "Mind if I have that?" "Why?" "I've got a colleague in Manehattan I'd like to show this to." I was lying my ass off. Manehattan was just a dot on a map and a coincidence to me, and I hoped to be nowhere near there anytime soon. "He analyzes documents for a living. He might be able to find out more." Another thing I learned working with the Office of Naval Intelligence. If you have to lie, lie in detail. "That so? What's his name?" Ok, Bronze Star was definitely smarter than I gave him credit for. "Fine Print," God, I hope this is an acceptable name here. "Fine Print? I went to high school with him. How's he doing?" Oh, you have got to be shitting me! Not only was Fine Print a real pony, but Bronze Star knew him. Have to think fast. "Eh, same old same old." I put on my best poker face, despite how much I was panicking. "Well any friend of Fine's is a friend of mine," he said with a toothy grin as he slid the. "Sure you can take it. Just tell him to mail his findings back here." "Thank you sir." With that, I grabbed the letter, turned, and walked out of the office as quickly as possible without drawing attention. As soon as I left the building's line of sight, I released a breath I did not know I was holding. As it turned out, I stopped in front of the general store. My luck appeared to be holding out. I needed a new knife anyways. "Change of plans, everypony," I said as I reentered the suite and dropped a few bags by the door. While buying a new knife, I had been struck with inspiration. I spent most of my money, but it would be worth it in the end if everything went pear shaped. I noticed that the map was still rolled out. This was good, as I needed to double check something. "We taking the desert route?" Wasp asked with a little too much enthusiasm. "I hope not, but it's not completely off the table," I replied. "I just need to check something on the map real quick." I approached the map and kneel'd down, studying its details closely. I followed the train tracks with my finger as they meandered around the desert until they passed through what appeared to be canyon lands, and very close to one of the way stations. "These way stations have water, you said? Are you sure" "Positive," replied Wasp with complete confidence. "I scouted them out myself a month ago. They're natural springs fed by the Ilnhar Htat." I raised an eyebrow upon hearing the strange word. "What the hell is that?" "It's the changeling language," Wisp interjected. "Roughly translated, it means 'River Under'. It runs all the way from Equestria down to the Hive. Why do you ask?" "It's my plan B," I said. "I hope we can simply take the train all the way. But, if we have to ditch, I've got enough trail mix to keep Twilight and I fed for a few weeks if we stretch it. So long as a water source is guaranteed, I won't feel too bad about it either." "I'm confused," said Twilight. "You were so adamant about taking the train earlier. What's changed?" I didn't respond. All I did was pull the letter out of my pocket and handed it over to Twilight. She picked it up and began reading, gasping as she did so. She passed it along to Wisp, and she paled. That was a feat, considering her skin (shell?) was black. "That was found on the dog that tried to knife me. Needless to say, it threw a wrench in our plan." We sat there in silence for a moment. None of my wards were sure what exactly to say, but I could tell they were worried as hell. Still, they took it well enough. Even Twilight, who didn't even shiver. She may be a stranger to seeing death, but she handled being in danger of life and limb like a pro. After what seemed like hours, Twilight broke the silence. "So... what do we do?" "We continue the original plan, but with a few modifications," I said. "We get on the train and hope for the best. If we're attacked, we either hold them off or ditch the train, depending on how large the opposition is. If we ditch, it'll be best to do so here." I tapped my finger at where the rail road passed close to a way station. "Any of you got experience navigating?" To my surprise, all three raised a hoof. Finally, some good news for a change. "Ok, there's just one last order of business. Twilight, how hard is it to learn telekinesis?" I asked, turning my head to look at her directly. "Well," she began, carefully. "It took me a few days to get it right, but I was self taught and still a filly at the time. Maybe a few hours with a good tutor. Why?" I tapped my amulet, and green fire enveloped me once again. "If I'm going to blend in as a unicorn," I began as the transformation process ended, "I'm going to need a crash course." It was a little before 10:00 pm, almost closing time at the train station. Cirrus Breeze, the mare behind the ticket counter, was watching the clock with rapt attention. She hadn't sold a single ticket in hours, and she wished she could just close down a few minutes early. Sadly, her boss was a stickler for regulations, and she would be in a lot of trouble if he found out. Sighing, the silver pegasus just had to suck it up and wait out the clock. She'd be home in her nice, soft bed soon enough. If only there was somepony else she could share it with. A smile crept upon her lips as she began to imagine- "Excuse me," a masculine voice said, shaking her from her daydream. She turned to see who had so rudely interrupted her, only to come face to face with a tall, grey, blonde-maned unicorn who was wearing a platinum amulet. "This is the ticket booth, correct?" "Uh..." Cirrus just stared for a moment before shaking her head to regain her senses. "Yes sir. What can I do for you?" "I need four tickets for the first train to Appleloosa tomorrow. Preferably somewhere near the back." Cirrus took a moment to consult the train schedule and ticket availability. "The first train leaves at 8:00 am. There are no assigned seats, so just sit wherever you like. That'll be forty bits total." The unicorn swiftly levitated a bit bag up and poured out some of the contents. Quickly counting them, he was satisfied and pushed the small pile of coins towards Cirrus, who scooped them up and placed four tickets on the counter with practiced ease. "Thank you kindly, ma'am." "Not a problem, sir. Have a good night!" With their business done, the stallion grabbed the tickets and trotted off, but not before Cirrus got a good look at his flank, strange Cutie Mark and all. "Well, that was easier than I thought," I said, trotting back into the suite. "You sure you weren't followed?" asked Wasp. God, he can be such a worry wart. "Yeah, I didn't see anypony tailing me, and I went off in four different directions. Trust me, I used to do this for a living." He seemed to relax a little bit, but there wasn't that much to worry about. Any assassins were looking for a human, not a boring-old unicorn. Honestly, the hardest part of this whole operation was walking outside naked. Hell, even telekinesis was easy. Twilight was one hell of a teacher. "I'm honestly surprised that you learned basic telekinesis so easily," said Twilight. "I mean, from what little you've told me during your lesson, magic doesn't exist in your world." "True, but we know of it," I replied. It honestly wasn't that hard. All I had to do was imagine picking something up and put a little power behind it. The power aspect was a little harder for me to wrap my head around, and so it still took all day to get it right without sending whatever I picked up through a wall. I didn't have the same fine control as I did with a real hand, but I'd at least pass as a real unicorn unless I tried something more complex. From the look on Twilight's face, I had a hunch that she was forming a few complex theories on why Earth doesn't have magic but still knows about it. She's like that, one minute she'll be focused on one thing, and the next she's off on a tangent. Hell, I had a theory of my own, but it's nothing solid (it's aliens). A yawn crept up on me, and that's when I realized just how long I'd been going. It was nearly nightfall when I left my world, and I arrived here sometime in the middle of the morning. I have no idea how long I was unconscious, but it was getting late. Plus, the magic lessons took a lot out of me. Unicorns must have a ridiculously high caloric intake to keep going. Fortunately, Wasp seemed to have read my mind. 'Yeah, it's getting late," he said. "Plus, we have a long day ahead of us, even if it's just riding on a train. Where're you sleeping tonight, James?" ... FUCK! I knew I was forgetting something. Problem was, after buying all those supplies earlier, plus the tickets, I was running dangerously low on money. I doubt that this hotel had a room available in my price range. Luckily (or unluckily) for me, however, Wisp came to my rescue. "He can stay in here with me tonight," she offered. I wanted to protest. Really, I did. After the way she'd been acting around me, I dreaded staying in the same room with the succubus. Problem is, I never got the chance. "Sounds good," Wasp said, turning on his hooves and trotting out the door. Twilight said her goodnight as well and soon followed, leaving me and Wisp alone. I had a feeling that this would not end well for me. "Relax," she said sweetly. "No funny business. I promise." Or maybe I was just being paranoid. "...Okay then." She practically pulled me towards the bed. Despite her promise, I still had a bad feeling about this. "So, are you going to change back before bed, or are you gonna sleep like that?" she asked. I thought about that for a moment, before slipping my amulet off. The trip to Canterlot wouldl take at least two days, and in all likelihood I'd be stuck as a unicorn the entire time. Might as well get used to it. "Remember, no funny business." "I'll keep my hooves on my side of the bed," she said sincerely as she magic'd the covers back. I grunted, and climbed up onto the left side of the bed. Oh god, I was right, this bed was comfortable as fuck. Not the best choice of words considering the circumstances, but I'm not taking it back. I didn't even feel Wisp climb into bed. I was out like a light the moment my head hit the pillows. The next morning, I was in for a surprise. I woke up from what had to be the most restful night I had had in years, when I felt something warm on the back of my furry neck. Apparently, my roommate didn't keep her promise too well, which was confirmed by the feeling of holey-hooves wrapped around my midsection. Ah well, no harm done. That is, until Wasp decided to barge in. "Wisp, James, it's time to..." His eyes almost popped out of their sockets when he saw us in such a... compromising position. I was about to say that it wasn't what it looked like, but I wasn't fast enough. "I'll, uh... just come back later," he said while slowly backing out of the room. Man, barely awake, and Murphy's already having a field day with me.