//------------------------------// // Hey, If They Can Make Musical Teens Fight... // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Please make sure that little setting in the upper right reads "Dark" not "Light". Thank you. A/N: This chapter was written for satirical and entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the Screw Attack staff or those of the author. No fictitious characters were actually harmed in the making of this chapter as "Death Battles" are to be treated as simulations and nothing more. Thank you. Properties belong to Hasbro, Screw Attack, and Martin Handford. --- This episode of Death Battle was brought to you by audible.com. The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 2 (4) A couple of you viewers out there wanted this. I don't see why. This is going to be the most boring "Battle" in history. Pictures that resemble abstract art flow along the screen. Today we're giving viewers at home one of the battles that you suggested. Personally, I think these two belong in a kid's "Find-it" book. But hey, you wanted to see them fight. So now you're going to get it. The first notable animation error of the G4 Pegasus ponies: Derpy Hooves. And the pop-culture sensation that's always out of sight: Waldo. He's B and I'm W and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Derpy Hooves -Pegasus pony -Cutie mark: a cluster of bubbles -Favorite food: Muffins -Kind, caring, and willing to help -Off-centered eyesight and slightly clumsy -First appearance with intentionally off-center eyes: S1E15 The Pegasus that's been through name changes just to please angry mothers defending their mentally ill children, Derpy Hooves has found her place in the hearts of many-a-pony lovers. This pony may have amblyopia or something. There's nothing official on her condition yet. She has been seen working with the weather such as group tornadoes and solo thunderheads, though her electrical control leaves something to be desired. Not to mention, she somehow inherited Peach's powerful *ss. Yes, she clearly has much strength behind her if she can take down the foundations of an entire town hall. This mare has past experience as a delivery pony. Though, she probably didn't keep her job after losing a flower pot, an anvil, a piano, and a hay bale cart. Derpy has the tendency to appear just about everywhere in the background where only the most observant viewers expect to see her. She's also commonly confused with another background pony nicknamed "Cloud Kicker". And her eye condition seems to be contagious. Or, maybe these ponies just need to get optometrists. I don't know. Yet despite her... uh, "perk", Derpy always manages to find something she can smile about. Yeah, just give her some muffins... lots and lots of muffins. "Anything I can do to help?" ---Death Battle--- Waldo -Human -Common articles of clothing: glasses, snow cap, red-striped sweater vest -Is difficult to spot in a crowd -First series debut in 1987 -Not known for his combat practice -Has a plethora of family members that are just as difficult to find as he is Ever as difficult to find as a needle in a haystack, Waldo AKA Wally is a gem among the hidden item genre. How the hell is a guy wearing bright red stripes and a pair of glasses so d**n hard to find? Although his species is human, Waldo heralds from the Land of Waldos in which more people with the name Waldo reside and they all look just like him. So what does that make him? A hectuplet? Waldo doesn't have any prior fighting experience. He prefers to stay hidden and blend in with the crowds from all over the world. On occasion, he has been known to carry a bunch of miscellaneous gear on him. Right. Various objects that have been in his possession have included a walking stick, a mallet, a backpack, a sleeping bag, binoculars, a snorkel mask, and a shovel. When he's not walking his dog Woof or visiting his Mamma Waldini, this guy enjoys reading and collecting stuff during his travels. I wonder if he's a kleptomaniac. Oh, come on, B. Just because a man enjoys collecting various junk doesn't make him a... Look at those horizontal stripes! He's clearly a previously imprisoned thief! *Sigh* Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. Somebody's gotta protect you from that red-hatted kleptomaniac. He's not a kleptomaniac! "The truth is... I don't think I've ever found myself." ---Death Battle--- All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. And just to make the battle more, uh... interesting, I've scattered a few random weapons around the arena. You did what? Audible.com! ---Death Battle--- If you're too blind or too lazy to read like me, then audible books may be the thing for you. On audible.com, there are over 75,000 titles of books in several genres that can be downloaded anytime and anywhere. Go to audiblepodcast.com/deathbattle for a free book download of your choice when you first sign up. It's free! What are you waiting for? Oh, wait. A Death Battle! ---Death Battle--- A large crowd of various folks are going every which way along a sidewalk. One rather tall and light-weight fellow steps aside just for a moment to catch some breathing room. An unexpected crack of lightning causes the otherwise bored crowd to scatter. In surprise, Waldo looks up to see a rather out-of-place figure fly into view. Derpy's mouth is scrunched up as she's just flying in place looking at everything and nothing. "FIGHT!" Pulling his camera out, Waldo snaps a quick photo of Derpy as he runs away. Blinded in one eye, she shakes her head to make the stars go away. She flaps her wings and follows a few sporadic zig-zags and loops. In her flight pattern, she can't seem to avoid running into some precariously positioned objects along the rooftops. As Waldo continues running along, he narrowly avoids getting smashed by several falling objects that just miss his heels. Bricks, anvils, and pianos... oh my! Where did that grenade come from? Waldo holds onto his hat as the shock waves from the blast send him rolling along the ground. He collides with a crate that was situated in his path and a shovel falls out next to him. Who wrote this? Anyway, he picks up the shovel when another collision sound catches his attention. Up above, Derpy has somehow collided in midair with a... music note item box(?). The screen grows dark as a rather catchy rhythm is heard. This is quickly followed by an Eastern melody. There are roads that every character must travel. A shadowy cloud appears and Waldo is standing in front of it. He holds his shovel with the spade end up. Wait... where's his hat? Whoops, no time to ponder! Changelings are jumping out of the cloud. By some stroke of luck, Waldo's shovel connects with the incoming changelings. The screen suddenly cuts to a... martial arts dojo(?) where Derpy and some alicorn the same size as Derpy are following the instructions of a rapping dojo master. They kick the flower pots in a timely manner, though the alicorn's kicks appear much weaker than Derpy's. The visual cuts back to Waldo slapping the changelings away with his shovel. They seem to be coming faster now. But, lady luck still has his back and a random spinning maneuver allows him to smack the entire wave. We look again at the dojo and Derpy's in time and knocking the pots away with ease. On the other hoof, the alicorn is still struggling to keep up as the pots fly in faster and faster. Suddenly, a bowling ball flies into the two ponies' aims. Derpy practically giggles when she kicks her bowling ball. The alicorn barely manages to make the bowling ball stop and she silently cries in pain. Wait... now we're at some golf course and Rarity and Sweetie Belle are wearing kimonos? B, what did you rig this arena with again? And now Derpy's sitting in a different room eating muffins and swatting parasprites? What is this? I don't even... The narrator faints as the screen returns to the dojo. This time, the trainees are kicking stuffed animal dolls while the second rap-artist gives the commands. The rhythm of incoming dolls seems pretty straightforward. At least, it is until two anvils fly in and smack the rappers in the face. Both Derpy and the alicorn look with concern at their respective masters. Derpy is once again shown eating muffins to the beat while the parasprites just keep getting smacked back. In the background, Pinkie Pie is enjoying herself catching cupcakes with her mouth, until she suddenly chokes on an unexpected parasprite. Waldo is shown taking out another swarm of changelings from the shadow cloud. Back in the dojo, Derpy and the alicorn fail at shooting successful Hadouken and instead, hot air just seems to blow away from their hooves. The changelings that Waldo's shovel smacks seem to be getting larger. He's kind of out of his league yet luck continues to aid his aim and timing. Briefly, the audience is shown a clip of Roid Rage striking a pose while shouting, "YEAH!" Waldo smacks another swarm of smaller changelings. How this skinny man is still standing, we'll never know. Roid Rage strikes another pose with his signature cry, "YEAH!" The changeling swarm now appears to be an army of Chrysalis clones. Waldo is beginning to sweat from all the swinging of his shovel. We return to Rarity's practice on the golfing range as Sweetie Belle tosses her more gems. At an unfortunate moment, Rarity realizes that the last gem she has swung at was actually a poor baby dragon. Waldo smacks another swarm of Chrysalis clones before they can cause any harm. The shovel's true material nature remains a mystery. Now, the screen jump cuts to a clip of Waldo trying his hand at being a DJ. His first attempt, however, knocks his glasses right off his head. Derpy is shown again eating muffins at a rather catchy beat and pace. Waldo's DJ instructor has some inexplicable bumps all over his head. Waldo's second attempt at disc jockeying seems to correct his previous error. Derpy is shown eating a couple more muffins to the beat. But then, a groan from a poor baby dragon is heard as he suddenly flies in and smacks Derpy over knocking her unconscious. Waldo manages to spin around smacking the last of the changeling swarm with his shovel when it suddenly flies straight up into the air. He looks around for it for a second or two. Right as he looks up, the shovel buries itself right into his face and he falls over from the impact. Comically, Waldo's hat is tossed out of the fading shadow cloud and lands right on the shovel's handle. The narrator recovers from his earlier faint. Ow... what happened? Woah! Oh... my... gosh. "M-m-m-m-monster K.O.!" ---Death Battle--- B, remind me to never let you set up the arenas ever again. Sure, no problem! With neither combatant very savvy in fighting experience, it was only fitting that their contest would ultimately end without a true victor. Not only did their efforts take each other out, but they also managed to knock an entire swarm of changelings unconscious and injured two rapping martial artists and a disc jockey instructor. Yep, this was totally hilarious all the way through. *Shaking his head* I can't believe we actually set this match up. Hey look, W! I found Waldo! Ha ha ha! This Death Battle is a draw. ---Death Battle--- Next time on Death Battle... Welcome to the Velvet Room. This place exists between dream and reality, mind and matter. It is a room that only those who are bound by a "contract" may enter. Now then... why don't you introduce yourself? ... "Yesss..." --- A/N: Properties belong to their respective owners. I gain no profit from this. FLAME SHIELDS UP! (Next Death Battle will be more serious.)