//------------------------------// // 6. Raid on the Barnyard // Story: Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria // by Stalin with Da Spoon //------------------------------// Nothingness. Pure dark blackness. The void. Oblivion. There are a lot of words to describe complete and utter darkness aren't there? Couldn't the people who wrote the dictionary have made up their minds on what word was right for it? Can't we just have a single word and go 'There, that word alone is related to Darkness'. Alright, got sidetracked on a literary tangent it seems, now where was I? Oh yes. Black Spy saw nothing but the pure darkness that expanded before his view. Was he dead? Was he in Heaven? If so, it seems awfully dull and not as bright. Couldn't be Hell, because there was no grand lake of fire or screams of the damned to be heard. Maybe he was in that one other place, what was it called... Puragtory? Yes, perhaps he was in Puragtory, or Limbo as it was known. Damn, had he run out of lives? Had he died his last death? Had the Grim Reaper gotten fed up with him? Had God finally said 'Sike!' and let him die? That last one may sound out of character for a divine being, but you never know, God may be a gangster. Alright, I may be going on a bunch of rambling incoherent tangents right now, but can you blame me? There is absolutely nothing noteworthy to describe. Nothing to see, nothing to smell, nothing to touch, nothing to- Peckity peck peck! Hear? Black spy was unsure where the sound was coming from, nor did he know the source of it. It sounded like... Gunfire? No, not loud enough. Pecking perhaps? No, far too fast. Or perhaps it was a- PECKITY PECK PECK! Black Spy opened his eyes with a jolt, looking around his surroundings before wincing and moving his hand to cover his vision as he gazed at the blinding blue sky. Then he looked to his right to see a Woodpecker pecking at a tree rapidly, as tiny little wood shavings flew off the tree and into Black's mouth, which he promptly spit out. Sitting up, the spy waved the Woodpecker away before rubbing his eyes and making a realization. He was still stuck in Magical Talking Pony Land. A fate arguably worse than death. But if he was still alive, then that means... BONK! A rock the size of a baseball clonked the back of Black's head, causing a small bump to appear and lift up his hat before he turned around to see White spy glaring at him, holding another rock. Though no words were exchanged, as usual, it was clear that White believed Black to be the reason they got their butts kicked by ponies using the power of friendship. Now of course, Black did not believe such slander, as he held White accountable for their failure. Especially his failure to fully cut down the bridge, if they had done that, then that rainbow headed pegasi menace wouldn't have been able to lift it back up! Pushing his head bump down, Black looked down on the ground and grapsed a rock of his own, about the size of a large golf ball, grasping it firmly as he took aim and... Gurgle! The rumbiling of both of the spies stomachs caused them to drop their stones and clutch their bellies in longing for sustenance of any sort. They then looked back to each other and nodded. Killing each other with sticks and stones could wait for later, the truce was back on until they found a proper bite to eat. Considering neither of them had eaten for a couple days, it was a surprise they weren't dying of pure starvation. They would probably stab each other in the back as soon as they found food so one could keep it all to themselves, but it's the thought that counts. Plus, you can't properly kill each other on an empty stomach, and if one dies of starvation, then there's no point. The two spies then began to look around, inspecting bushes, climbing into trees, and White spy even licking a caterpillar to use his super spy senses to see if it was edible or at least tasted good. Though it was indeed edible, it did not fulfill the latter criteria. After taking a pause to utilize a bush as a natural barf bag while Black laughed, the two resumed the hunt, as Black soon eyed a berry bush, with berries the color of the sky above him. Moving closer, he inspected the berries, plucking one and licking it. No poison or toxin, kinda sweet, little sour, and overall pretty good tasting. Deciding to take his chance, Black spy decided to eat the berry, licking his lips of the juice left behind from his chewing. Then, a critical thought came into his head, a memory he had forgotten. He was allergic to blueberries. And the swelling that followed made sure to remind him of it. As he rifled through his pockets, he tossed out everything from bullets, to grenades, to ticking timebombs which exploded as he tossed them over his shoulder, and yet he still couldn't find an epi-pen. Apparently, pocket dimensions for pockets aren't a good idea when you stuff your most essential item at the very bottom. Finally, Black spy grasped something that felt like his epi-pen, pulled it out, and stuck it into his arm. However, as he looked, it was not an epi-pen, but a syrine, with a label on it. 'Explodo-Serum' Ah nuts, is what Black spy would've thought before the detonation. KABOOM! While the distant explosion was heard by White spy, he payed little attention to it, as he was currently eyeing his prey. A lone rabbit grazing on the grass, completely unaware of it's approaching fate. Blissfully ignorant to the world... And it's doom, as White slowly pulled a hunting rifle out of his pocket and adjusted the scope, locking in on the rabbit's tiny head. However, he was surprised to see the bunny turn to face him, and then glare directly into his soul. Eh, probably nothing. However, when multiple rabbits emerged from their holes in the ground and they all begsn to show razor sharp teeth, White realized he had stepped in it now, taking a big gulp before the bunnies lept into the air and dogpilled onto of him. The screams that followed sounded out throughout the forest. The rustling of bushes was heard as Black emerged first, his suit burnt and charred, with bits of his face still swelled up. White emerged next, his clothing torn with cuts and scrapes across his body, as well as a few bite marks. They had to get of this forest if they wanted to find a food source that wouldn't kill them. After dusting themselves off and patching up their suits, Black decided to test a new invention he was working on before the whole winding up in magical pony land thing. From his pocket, he procured a small remote with a radar dish on top of it, along with a label. 'Food-Finder 3000'. Invented for purposes of survival, scavenging, or forgetting where he put his snacks, Black knew it was the right time to test it out. How did it work? Not even he knew, but it should hopefully do the job well enough. Pressing the big green button, the dish began to spin as a radar was shown on the remote screen. After it made a full circle, a red ping appeared and Black pressed a smaller yellow button to lock and enhance the ping. The image of an Apple appeared on the screen while the dish conveniently pointed straight forward, as both Spies nodded to each other and followed the signal. After a few minutes of following the signal through bushes and branches, the two emerged into what appeared to be a field, as they looked to see a large orchard and barnhouse in the distance. Must be an apple orchard, because now there were hundreds of red pings within the orchard. Alright, they just needed to grab a couple apples, sneak off the farm without being detected, and they would be fine. They had trained for this. Specifically Apple Theft 101. Both spies looked at each other and nodded, before shaking hands and suddenly dashing towards the orchard. These apples were now free game, and by free, I meant Free-For-All. White spy was in the lead thanks to his athleticism, however as Black passed by he stuck his leg out and tripped White, and since they going down a hill, White fell before starting to roll rapidly down the incline, accelerating until he collided with a tree, slamming into it and causing a few apples to fall and dome him in the head as a snickering Black spy gathered the fallen fruits and moving to another tree. Work smarter, not harder. While White spy was recuperating from his fruity fallout, Black climbed up into a tree and began to pluck the apples directly from the branches, eating one whole because he just couldn't wait. However, when he heard movement, he expected White spy to be sneaking up, but instead he heard a voice. "Mac, ya sure ya want to help me, I can do this by myself." "Eeyup, I'm sure." "Alright, then let's do this." Wait a minute... That voice... That was the farm pony from the castle! The one that helped make the magical orbital rainbow death laser! This was her orchard!?! It sounded like she had a brother too, one that needed to lay off the testosterone. Regardless, it sounded like they were approaching the very tree he was hiding in. "Alright, let's start with bucking this one." They were going to buck the tree? Well, it made sense, as that would shake it and cause Apples to drop, but it would drop him as well. Unless he didn't fall out of the tree, and instead stuck to it. Pulling a convenient pair of sticky gloves he latched onto the bark of the tree, holding on for dear life as he braced for impact. Bam! The sudden impact of the buck caused the tree to shake and dislodge some apples, one of which fell on Black's head. However, the gloves held firm, and he stayed on the tree. "Hey, why are there barely any apples? This tree usually has a ton!" "Must be growing old." "Probably, anyways let's get on to the next one." The sound of the two ponies trotting away made Black sigh with relief, unsticking his gloves from the side of the tree and dropping down, quickly sneaking out of view to acquire more apples. Back with White, he shook his head and pushed down a bump under his hat before standing up and dusting himself off, as he looked past the tree to see two, including the one with the hat from last night which he believed was Applejack, approaching. Realizing they might see him, White spy to get back at both Black and Applejack by using a ace up his sleeve, literally pulling out a button from his sleeve. While Black spy was busy plucking some apples, his pockets got very warm, burning himself as he pulled out the source of the heat, his food finder, to see it was practically melting. Seems like White had tampered with it while Black wasn't looking. When the device began to spark, Black acted quickly and tossed the remote over the distance. It flew directly over the trees and the ponies, before landing right at the feet of White. Well sh- BOOM! The screams of White flying high into the sky were heard by the ponies as they turned to see the spy soaring over their heads and landing in a tree, all the while Black simply snickered to himself. As the ponies rushed to investigate the point of touchdown for White, Black grabbed a few more apples, before deciding to ditch both White and the orchard, making a mad dash away from the farm and back into the woods, snickering all the way. Meanwhile White pulled himself out of the trees leaves before jumping down and dusting himself, before turning to see Applejack and her brother staring at him. "Hey, aren't you one of those weird two legged things from last night." White slowly gulped in, before shaking his head as sweat dripped down his face. "Tell me the truth now, I can tell you're lying." Dang it, what was this pony, a living lie detector? Welp, when in doubt, run away. White quickly turned in the opposite direction and quickly began making a mad dash to escape, looking back to see the ponies chasing him. Luckily, he had just the thing to slow them down... Pulling a convenient buzz saw from his pocket, he quickly ran up to a tree and proceeded to cut it down, pushing the log in the path right as Applejack jumped over, while the bigger red pony hit it head on, bonking himself on the head. Applejack turned back and went to tend to her brother, while White snickered and ran off, but not before grabbing a few apples. As White made his escape, Applejack on his hooves and rubbed his head. "You alright?" "I dunno... Probably best to get some rest for a bit." "Don't worry, I'll finish your work today. Then I'll catch that varmint." Cue distant snickering. But now, the spies were separated, alone, and operating without any backup, only their wits about them. They also had copious amounts of weaponry and gadgets, but that's beside the point. Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria! As the two spies grasped their own pairs of scissors and prepared for a duel, the door to the store opened as a fashonista walked in, before proceeding to do something unexpected. Fall over unconscious.