//------------------------------// // 4. Friendship is a Workplace Hazard // Story: Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria // by Stalin with Da Spoon //------------------------------// Okay, it's official. Moon horse has MAJOR familial tension and mood problems. From the last thirty minutes of backstory spewing Nightmare Moon had done, the Spies now understood a multitude of things. First off, they knew Nightmare Moon was originally a princess pony named Luna, the sister of Princess Celestia, who was capable of controlling the sun and everyone loved her because she brought day time and sunlight to the land, by the way that went against all known laws of science and physics. Anyways apparently nobody liked Luna because she controlled the moon and brought night time and darkness, which made no sense because without darkness there's no way anybody could get any dang sleep, and it also once again put a big ol' fat middle finger to physics. So essentially, Luna went super-emo and became Nightmare Moon, then got herself banished to the actual MOON. How was she alive from being trapped on the dang moon for a thousand years with no oxy gen or amenities? The spies had no idea, but this was magical talking technicolor pony land, they stopped questioning things when they saw that tiny pink little pone pop up. But now, Nightmare Moon was here in what was known as the 'Castle of the Two Sisters'. Real on the nose name there. Anyways, their new lunar overlord was now currently ranting about night time was better and that day time sucked and how she would rule on forever and yadda yadda, boring old world domination crap the spies had heard time and time again from their very own old bosses. What came out of her mouth next though had their attention. "And seeing as you are the first to dedicate your loyalty to us, we shall make you my great legionary commanders! You shall lead our armies to glory against the Solar tyrant, and together, we will rule Equestria!" Nightmare Moon triumphantly said. Okay, she originally only had the spies curiosity, but NOW... She had their attention. The spies quickly straightened up, saluting their new lunar overlord with not just simple respect, but full blown loyalty. Even their old bosses only promised them a promotion if they succeeded in world domination, but this moon empress offered a bit more in terms of workers compensation. Suddenly, Nightmare Moon appeared to become visibly alerted by something. "I sense Celestia's student and her five friends are approaching... And they possess the elements of harmony! Quick, go! Delay them by any means necessary!" The two spies nodded, running into each other before getting back on their feet and rushing out the door as it slammed shut behind them. Delay six ponies from reaching the castle. How was this hard? Like legitimately, this didn't seem difficult in the slightest. But they didn't exactly have the resources they normally had, so it was time for some creativity. They needed to think smart, they needed to think devious, they needed to think... Mad. Time to get to work... The two spies were sat atop a tree, looking through their binoculars to see a group of six ponies, including that pink crazy one, walking up the side of a mountain along a sheer cliff face. And conveniently, above them, was a bunch of loose rocks and boulders, all waiting for a tiny bit of instability to come crashing down and crush the ponies into fine red paste. Black looked to White, who was already procuring their weapon of mass destruction of choice. The Rocket Launcher. As he loaded a rocket inside, he then aimed down the electronic sights of the launcher, locking onto a tiny little rocky support that was helping keep the entire pile of rock from cascading down. And as he pulled the trigger, the rocket came soaring out of the barrel, flying towards the mountain before striking the support as it was blown to pieces. And as the pillar crumbled... The entire structure came crashing down with it, as dozens of boulders and rocks came cascading down the mountainside towards the terrified ponies. The spies watched as the pink pony and a white unicorn with purple hair fell screaming off the side to their anticipated deaths, only to be swooped up by two pegasi with wings, one with a pink mane and one with a straight up rainbow mane. Talk about gay. The final two ponies, the purple unicorn and the pony wearing a stetson, were left as the unicorn tried to hold up the pony, before inevitably dropping the pony to be caught by the pegasi. Great, the first plan has been foiled. But there's always the second. However, as White spy turned around, he saw a very burnt and angry looking Black spy. Looks like somebody was standing in the back blast of the RPG. Oops was all White spy could think of before he was shoved off the tree, plummeting to the forest floor. Attempt two, go! The spies silently watched as the ponies slowly walked along the forest path, before Black spy looked around his environment to see some sort of sleeping lion with wings and weird ears, or also known as a Manticore. Thank god for passing mythology class. As Black looked around his surroundings before seeing a thorn bush, as he plucks a singular thorn of the bush, then pulling out a blow dart gun as he aimed it at the Manticore's exposed paw, before breathing in and firing the thorn dead on target. The roar of pain that followed indicated to Black spy that his plan had worked, as he watched the enraged beast jump in the path of the ponies, who were preparing some kind of measure to subdue it as he saw wings flare and horns charge, before the little pink maned pegasus shouted out and her friends halted. Then, seemingly with a death wish, the little pink maned pony approached the angry manticore, before slowly soothing it with her voice. "Sometimes we all just need to show a little kindness." Without warning, the little pegasus plucked the thorn from it's paw, followed by the Manticore licking her mane. Curses, foiled again! And as the ponies continued along their way, the Manticore turned it's sights to Black and White. Oh no. After their last failed attempt ended with a severe mauling, the two spies cracked their dislocated joints back into places and snapped their spines into correct orientation before moving on. Third times the charm, but this time they weren't going for the kill, they were going to utilize their training and manipulate their opponents fears... That's right baby, Psychological Warfare time. The two spies looked to see a particularly dark patch of forest up ahead, and quickly moved up beyond the ponies and into the dark area, observing their surroundings and determining an appropriate plan of action, before Black turned only to nearly jump out of his skin as he saw a face within one of the trees. While White laughed at his easy scaring, a lightbulb appeared over Black's head, as he turned to White and whispered in his ear, gesturing at the face as White got a devious smile and nodded, before they both rubbed their hands together and snickered, as they pulled out wood carving tools and got to work. Soon enough, several spooky scary faces were carved into the trees, certain to scare those little ponies away. As the two spies got into cover, the ponies soon entered the dark patch, visibly quaking and shaking from fear while the spies snickered and admired their handiwork, before they noticed the annoying little pink pony wasn't even afraid. She was smiling. And then, without warning... "You'll see that they can't hurt you; just laugh to make them disappear!" She started singing... And oh god did it make the spies ears burn. MAKE IT STOP! As their ears burned and their eyes watered, they watched as the scary faces on the trees slowly dissipated while the ponies laughed at them before continuing along. Damn, not only did they get past the trees, but they mocked the spies handiwork. They had put genuine effort into those scary faces, dang it! Alright, new plan. The ponies were now approaching the river, and the spies quickly looked for anything that could block their passage, before spotting a sea serpent with surprisingly good hair admiring himself in the mirror, before White snickered to himself and pulled out a pair of scissors. Slowly approaching from behind, White surprised the sea serpent, who gasped in fear before... Snip! "NO! MY BEAUTIFUL MUSTACHE! YOU FIEND! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The sea serpent cried as it wailed in foe agony while the White spy snickered to himself and got back behind cover, watching as the sea serpent's flailing caused the river to become a tidal pool, rendered impassable. But right before the spies could high five, they overheard the conversation between the sea serpent purple maned unicorn with a weird accent. "Some dreadful tacky little mosquito man came by with scissors and sliced my mustache!" While White spy inspected his uniform to see if it was indeed tacky, Black spy continued to listen in. "I simply cannot have this crime against fabulosity go uncorrected!" Suddenly, in a storm of cutting and slicing, the unicorn slices off some of her own hair and donates it to the sea serpent, constructing a new mustache with it as he bowed, ceasing his flailing before helping them across. DRAT! The ponies were getting close! Things are getting desperate now... The two spies nervously paced back and forth. The ponies were almost to the chasm that separated them from the castle of the two sisters, and knowing that Rainbow haired pegasus would come over and try to fix the bridge that the spies had broke, they needed a plan. However, an unexpected voice speaking up gave them that plan, as they turned to see three ponies in black and yellow uniforms wearing goggles emerge from the fog. "Greetings commanders serving under her most loyal empress of the night! We, the mighty Shadowbolts, have been tasked by the nightmare herself to aid you! What do you need of us?" The gears turned in the spies heads, before a light dinging was heard as they both got up close to the spies and whispered in their ears... Retreating to cover, the spies watched as the rainbow maned pegasus flew across, holding the other end of the bridge as she begins to tie down the bridge before the three Shadowbolt ponies emerged, and spoke to the rainbow pegasus, making her the offer the spies had told them to. Of course, the offer was fake, because when the pegasus ditched her friends, they would just clonk her head, but that wasn't something she needed to know. However, what the Rainbow maned brat said in response surprised even the spies. "I'd never leave my friends hanging." The pegasus said before turning back and re-tying the bridge as the Shadowbolts sulked away and appeared before the spies. "We failed you, and we accept any punishment." The two spies looked to each other before looking back and shrugging. What's happened happened, and now they needed a final last ditch effort plan to stop the ponies once and for all... That, or they let the empress do all the work while they sit back and get ready for the coup de'tat. And so the spies fled inside the castle as the Shadowbolts flew away. Time to tell the boss about their screw up... To be continued.