//------------------------------// // Better Call Paul // Story: Case Closed // by Slippin_Sweetie //------------------------------// Rimmy McBill is just your average lawyer and run-of-the-mill attorney, or better known as Paul Hoofman. Got a problem? Well, Better call Paul as his dozens of billboards and paper ads would parrot. The lawyer sat in the cozy little office of his business comfortably near a strip mall by the suburbs. The blue unicorn adjusted his plaid tie, pink dress shirt collar, and grey suit jacket as he looked at himself in the mirror, smiling confidently as he began to examine himself. "It's showtime baby, mmhm…" he'd flick his mane as he summoned a pair of magic hands, snapping at his reflection, "Injured? Good…! Nah… makes it sound like I want ponies to get hurt…." A soft beep disturbs this display of egotism: "Mr. Hoofman, there's a S.M.I.L.E. agent here to see you." "... Tell her I'm busy!" The stallion quickly rushed over to his desk, swinging the drawer open at his many bottles of illegally manufactured spell phones, "Really busy!" The stallion lifted the bottles and smashed them against the wall before promptly sweeping up the shattered glass and disposing of the debris. "Just remember your rights; remember your education at the University of Amareican Samoeah." There was a polite knock at the door before an earth pony mare stepped in, clad in a hat, trenchcoat, and sunglasses that obscured almost everything about her person. She scanned the room before noticing the shards of glass on the floor, cocking an eyebrow at the lawyer. "Clever, but you're leaving plenty of evidence behind." The mare couldn't help the smirk on her lips as she stepped closer, analyzing the office. "And what gaudy decor, what is this, the Equestrian Bill of Rights?" She pointed to the mural behind him, nearly snickering. "I'm surprised you get any clients with that behind you." "Although, then again, your clients aren't usually the kind that care for such a thing, hm?" She cocked her head before sitting down, gesturing for the unicorn to do the same. "Please, relax; I'm not going to hurt you. First and foremost, I want information. Your other… activities don't interest me in the least, and I promise you, we know ALL about them." Her expression didn't give anything away, but the tone of her voice told the stallion she wasn't lying. "Other activities? Ma'am, I don't have the slightest idea what you are talking about. I mean, I used to specialize in elder law, and let me tell you, the only activity I know besides my line of work is bingo and water polo with a side of applesauce." he'd chuckle, giving the smiling agent his best smile. He'd slowly trot over to his desk as he casually began shredding papers. "I'm Paul, real name is Rimmy, y'know how marketing is heh… or maybe you don't, considering you're part of some sort of spooky shadow agency that fuels a bunch of crackpots." The agent cocked a brow, gesturing to the documents he was shredding, "And I don't suppose that has anything to do with what I was just speaking about? Honestly, Rimmy, if I can call you that… let's be entirely frank here." "I have no interest in your illegal business, and I don't care to arrest you for it or charge you. I am here for information about a client of yours. Once we have that business settled, I shall take my leave, and you will never hear from my organization again…." She paused for a brief moment, "That is, so long as you keep your nose clean of anything… anomalous in the future." "Now, what can you tell me about your client, the Detective… Pink." The agent pulled a folder out of her coat and laid it on the desk. "All of her documentation leads back to you and your agency, I might add. Very clever taking it through other channels, but me and my ponies are quite… adept at seeing through such shenanigans." "Woah, woah, woah. Do you realize that breaches attorney-client privilege? I can't disclose anything of substance to you! Besides, agent Pink and I haven't done business in years. Do you honestly expect me to keep all of her personal paperwork? All I did was help her acquire copies of already existing documentation." "Already existing documentation." The agent parroted back before flipping through the folder, pointing at pages that were obviously copies of said documentation. "Really? Because these were only circulated about four or five years ago and have no connection to the real Pinkamena Diane Pie. What you're doing isn't even identity theft; technically, it would be akin to giving false documents to an immigrant." "But that doesn't concern me. What I want to know is what you already have inside your head. I want to know how you met this Detective. I want to know how and why you do the things necessary to keep her hidden." The mare adjusted her sunglasses, just a hint of steely teal eyes glaring back at him. "If you refuse to give such information, things may become… difficult for you." "I am appalled and insulted that you accuse me of forging false documentation and then strong-hoof me into disclosing private information about my client, who, may I remind you, is an upstanding citizen and member of the MHPD. I am so insulted that I will walk out of my office." He'd trot toward the door and side-eye the filing cabinet to the left before closing his office door. The agent stood up, staring at the door before carefully picking up her documents from the desk, trotting over to analyze everything in the room, especially the documents the stallion had shredded. Turning up her nose as she realized she couldn't salvage anything, she glanced at the cabinet he had been eyeing before opening it up and looking through the contents. Bon Bon would quickly find Pinkamena's file; the documents were… just standard records and claims for a new ID, social security card, tax information, and a record of her renting apartments. She'd grit her teeth, turning and busting through the door, chasing in the direction she knew the stallion would be heading. Ending up in the reception area, she turned to the clerk manning the station and bared her teeth. "Where did he go?!" The command barked out of her, her right eye twitching. She wouldn't let this lead get away, not after the embarrassment of last time. "Cheryl, tell my clients I'm on my lunch break!" shouted Paul as the door to the firm rang. Bon Bon didn't waste any time, bolting after her suspect before he could gain any more ground. Throwing the door open, she zipped past any pedestrians in the parking lot and launched herself at the stallion, grabbing him by the tail with her teeth. She ground to a halt, her jaw becoming a bear trap that refused him any sort of ground. "Yow! Hey, doll, buy me dinner first also; THIS COUNTS AS SELF-DEFENSE! I HAVE WITNESSES!" the stallion quickly smashed his hoof in the mare's face as he sprinted faster than any unicorn she had ever seen. "HELP POLICE, I'M A VICTIM OF ASSAULT AND INTIMIDATION. THIS MARE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN DEMOCRACY AND OUR LEGAL SYSTEM!" Bon Bon winced, rubbing her nose as she watched the unicorn runoff. Sighing, she wiped her snout and pressed a button on her earpiece. "I have a runner heading towards Sunnyville Street. Unicorn." She paused briefly as the pony on the other side responded, "You got him? Good." Within seconds, two ponies clothed in black struck out and grabbed Paul from behind, dragging him into an unmarked wagon without another sound. Any sort of witnesses saw nothing or pretended to see nothing. Bon Bon smirked; the Notice-Me-Not spell was quite effective. Striding over to the wagon, Bon Bon knocked before stepping inside, giving the lawyer a satisfied smirk. "Well, are you willing to cooperate now?" Paul swatted away the agents, "Hands off the merchandise, pal. This suit is worth more than you." "Listen, I'll tell you what you want… just… can I make a call first?" he'd look up at the agents timidly. "No." Bon Bon's reply was simple and demanding, taking off her glasses to stare the lawyer straight in the eyes, "And if you don't want to end up in a cell in Tartarus, I'd suggest talking RIGHT. NOW." "You think this is my first rodeo with a bunch of thugs? Please, you're nothing but amateurs." scoffed Paul before he quickly teleported outside the wagon with a spark of his horn. "NEXT TIME USE A HORNCUFF, LATER CHUMPS!" laughed Paul as he quickly sprinted off, "Okay, okay," he'd quickly pull out his spell phone. With a quick shake of a bottle and focusing his thoughts, the stallion quickly began ringing Detective Pink as he popped the spell phone's cork. I sense a disturbance from my humble little office as I feel a vibration in my coat pocket. My spell phone, "Hello, you reached Detective Pink-" I am rudely interrupted by my lawyers babbling. "Pink, I need your help, the S.M.I.L.E. agents are on my tail, and I need some security; I don't know how much longer I can give them the slip. I think they'll suppress my magic with a horncuff this time around!" "Where are you!" I shriek. "Uh, I'm near Little Dragon Land; hurry, they got eyes and ears everywhere!" Paul would quickly stuff the magical mist back into the bottle before stuffing the spell phone into his pocket, ducking and weaving through the dozens of dragons. The S.M.I.L.E. agents quickly slipped out of the wagon, attaching themselves to it before racing after the fleeing lawyer. Bon Bon climbed atop the wagon, her eyes narrowing at the suspect. "Stop and put your hooves up!" She commanded, her voice loud and almost booming, "This is the police, stop and put your hooves up!" Pedestrians that passed by stared, both at the wagon and the lawyer, but did nothing to intervene. After all, it was a police chase. "There's no warrant for my arrest, no probable cause! This is a gross misuse of justice, people! Won't you ponies do something to protect not just me but yourselves!? What do I have to do, sing a song about it!?" snapped Paul. "Yeah, that might help!" A random pony from the crowd shouted back. Bon Bon simply smirked as her wagon began to gain ground, the two agents leading the wagon nearly to Paul's fetlocks. All they needed to do was back him into a corner or catch up to him, and he would be caught. "It's not like you have anywhere to go, Rimmy." Bon Bon shouted, "We know of your hiding spots! It's only inevitable that you help us… and we might be willing to give you compensation for doing so." Her words were like honey, sickly sweet. "That's bribery! Everypony freeze! These are crooked cops harassing an innocent lawyer!" I proclaim, "Everypony! Shame them! Shame them for betraying the law! And more importantly, your trust!" I appeared from behind with a posse of my closet associates, our badges and cuffs at the ready. It's a considerable risk to entangle myself with the S.M.I.L.E. agency like this, but if I can cause a stir and have the support of the ponies here. I can bring her in and give Paul a chance to escape. Paul quickly skirted to a halt as he promptly attempted to rile up the pedestrians, "Look, everypony! These 'cops' are interfering with a serious case about illegal sugar markets. I am an innocent lawyer who is prosecuting a big-time sugar dealer, and because of enforcing our justice system, THESE dirty cops are trying to detain me and force me to drop the case!" Paul continued, "C'mon, everypony! Can't you see Detective Pink here is a hero keeping a good name on our police!" A dragon slowly spoke up, "You know what, I don't like you pony police, but Detective Pink was the only mare that cared about my store getting robbed! She saved me two-thousand bits!" "That's right, people! Detective Pink: A Mare That Cares!" proclaimed Paul. Thank Celestia, for that savvy lawyer of mine. I'm sure beyond the sleazy exterior lies the heart of a saint. Or maybe just a lawyer posing as decent ponyfolk. It's funny, though; I'm pretty sure Celestia is the reason why I'm being charged in the first place. The S.M.I.L.E. agents nervously looked around the crowd that had formed around them, pulling at their collars as they tried and failed to find a way out of this. Bon Bon, however, steeled her gaze and noticed a slight but definite path away from the crowd and out of there. Pressing on her communicator, the mare relayed to her associates, "Grab the stallion, and make it through the crowd, no stopping. We're getting out of here whether the local police like it or not." The agents below her nodded and lowered their heads, scuffing the cobblestone street below them before charging forward. Paul Hoofman was launched into the air as they ran, Bon Bon grabbing him by the hoof before pinning him to the roof of the wagon, locking him in hoof cuffs. "I'll read you your rights later; I assume you know them." The earth pony smirked before pinning him to the roof, the wagon tilting left and right as the agents forced their way through the crowd. "Hey, watch the suit and mane; I really worked hard to keep those neat!" sighed Paul. Drat! The people aren't motivated enough. I'll really need to bring out the big guns… I slowly clear my throat, preparing my voice for a serenade, vocalizing and weaponizing my original self's 'smile song' to motivate the good ponies of the city to help my lawyer! Altering the lyrics to encourage the people to form into a mob of smiling faces ready to give chase. The crowd perked up and began to chase after the wagon, yelling profanities and protests as the S.M.I.L.E. agents ran for the hills, trying to shake off their pursuers. Bon Bon shoved a hoof into the unicorn's mouth, gritting her bared teeth. "You better hope she stops that, for your sake." She glared, her teal eyes piercing through him, her threat not coming off as a bluff. She barely moved as the wagon tilted left and right, her hoof pressed against his chest, making it difficult to breathe. Paul gasped as he smiled nervously as he raised his front hooves defensively, "Hey, look, I'm just a defense attorney. You're the ones who went and kidnapped somepony." I plonk through the streets as I lead my song of social justice throughout the streets of Little Dragon Lands, bending my knees real low before I leap through the air, ending the song on a literal high note before landing on top of the wagon. "Agent Sweetie Drops, unhoof that innocent stallion!" I demand. The earth pony mare turned to look at Pinkamena, her irritated glare not letting up. She seemed nearly desperate, giving the detective a moment to pause. "Please, just turn yourself in! You have no idea what we have to do to keep the peace!" Bon Bon's voice strained to stay above the wagon's wheels, clicking over the street and the shouting voices of the crowd nearby, "We just want to ask questions. We won't harm you! I promise I will leave him be if you just come with us." "You made one fatal flaw, Agent Drops, this is MY town, and I have the home-field advantage! Now you release Pauly, or I'll sing so gosh darn loud the whole city with turn your whole Manehattan S.M.I.L.E. network on its head!" I say boldly. "Lady, just cut your losses and try again; I'm not trying to get torn apart by a frantic mob demanding swift justice!" pained Paul. Bon Bon gritted her teeth and shook her head, "Do you think you're the only one whose life is on the line here?! Why do you think that I'm an agent of S.M.I.L.E.?!" She shouted, trying to keep her voice down but failing. "I'm trying to keep the ones I love close and protect them! Please, Pinkie, Pinkamena, whatever your name is–" She gulped, clenching her eyes shut. "We're in danger too!" "The difference being is I didn't choose this! YOU did! You chose to be a S.M.I.L.E. agent, and you knew the risks! Let him go, or this whole wagon will become a stage for my next song!" I thundered like a raging storm at this rate. I couldn't help but feel bad for Bon Bon, though; she had a life and dame waiting for her back home. But I'm not sacrificing myself for somepony who'll just destroy me or lock me in a cage. Besides, who are they to harass my, ultimately, totally not corrupt lawyer? "FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, LADY, LET ME GO BEFORE SHE DOES SOMETHING CRAZY!" Shouted Paul. "You think I chose for my life to be like this?!" Bon Bon shouted back, "Whether or not you rile up this crowd right now, my life is over, and so are my co-workers." She gestured to the ponies who were pulling the cart, the pair glancing back nervously at the group, terrified of what the result might be. "You don't know the powers that we are playing with! I don't want to lock you up or hurt you! Please, just answer my questions, and I promise nothing bad will happen!" She reached out a hoof, offering it to the pink detective. "Please…" Paul tapped his hoof against the wagon's roof, "Can I go now?" I sigh; the jig is up, no matter what happens to me. I just don't get the heart to let another pony suffer. Maybe it's the fact despite my jaded outlook, I am still a clone of Pinkie Pie. Someone dedicated to making the lives of everypony else better, and who am I to destroy the lives of three ponies just doing a job. I suppose they gotta eat and provide for their loved ones, and in at least Bon Bon's regard, she is a step above me. "Alright…you win." I frown, slowly turning to face the crowd, "ALRIGHT, TAKE THIS!" I quickly hop on Bon Bon as I simulate a struggle. "HEEEYAH! GO, PAUL, BE FREE!" I shout. "Don't have to tell me twice; good luck Detective Pink and uh, never call me for work again." the stallion quickly signed off before diving off the wagon. "I HAVE OVERTAKEN THE WAGON AND SECURED THE BAD COPPERS; EVERYPONY GO HOME, INCLUDING MY DEPUTIES!" "But Pink-" shouted a deputy. "NO BUTTS, GO HOME, EVERYONE!" I order. Bon Bon let out a sigh of relief, letting the lawyer go before she grabbed Pinkie Pie, giving her fellow agents a confident nod. Turning to Pink, she gave her a slight nod and whispered in her ear, "Thank you, you have no idea how much this means to me." The mare threw a sack over the detective's head without another word. The wagon stopped for only a few seconds, giving her enough time to throw Pinkamena into the back, kicking the wagon once to signal the ponies ahead to start moving. Bon Bon jumped on, a grim expression on her face. She would keep her promise. She had to.