A Band of Misfit Losers Hunt the Undead

by Rune Soldier Dan


Hitched Together (slice-of-life, sexual reference)

Years passed. But change was slow, and it did not always mean endings.

Canterlot High’s newest art teacher lounged sideways on the easy chair, letting her legs kick out over one armrest and curling her back against the other. Adulthood had not tempered her fashion for wearing black leather indoors and out, though she cut her red and yellow hair a little shorter now.

She gossiped with the other two, just like in their dorm days. Not all that much had changed – their ‘dorm days’ were less than three years gone. But it was a milestone, an era now passed. The time to move on came and went, at least with their living accommodations.

Ironically, they departed to old places instead of new. Sunset moved back with her family. So did Wallflower – with the Memory Stone’s effect worn off, that reunion was tearful and passionate. Twilight had never left home. Applejack returned to Sweet Apple Acres with the energy and education to lead their business into the future.

And Adagio… well, here she was. Lounging on the couch, tapping her phone, only half-listening. Like nothing had changed at all, save a bit of added jewelry: silver glasses perched on her nose, and a simple gold ring wrapped around a finger.

Of course, the meetup wasn’t that special for Adagio. She saw Sunset all the time at work.

The marriage hadn’t been a surprise. Not to Sunset, anyway. Applejack was the only one shocked when Adagio finally made her move. But the career…


“You sure about this?” Sunset had asked, half-teasing and half-confused. “Teaching high school band isn’t really glamorous.”

Adagio airily threw back her curls, like this was nothing at all. “Did you forget? Mother Hydra created us sirens to teach and inspire music. It’s high time I finally got started.”


And that was that. The calendar flipped, Christmas followed Christmas, and here they were.

Applejack stood as she told them her story, gesturing animatedly with her whiskey tumbler. She’d grown up well, too. Of course she was always the mature one, but also the most fragile, plagued with doubts and insecurities. Growing up, expanding the business, and maybe a little lots of good sex seemed to have eased that all over the years. She looked comfortable, enthused, animated. Sunset couldn’t be happier.

“Who would have thought? Hand-carved furniture in this day and age.” Applejack swigged down her whiskey and slapped the glass to a table. “But they sell like you wouldn’t believe! Mac likes to handle that end, and he’s teaching two promising types to help with it. I never would have imagined trained carpenters would be our bottleneck.”

“Get Adagio to help,” Sunset said with a little grin. “I’m sure she’d love to.”

Applejack fidgeted with the gold band on her finger. “Nah, she’s got her own thing.”

“As you well know,” Adagio added. Idly, she scritched a kirin snoozing on her lap with her free hand.

“You still doing okay with it?”

“Yes, shockingly.” Adagio yawned. “Me, a teacher! What a laugh. Nine-tenths of them just play the notes they’re given with no passion at all. But the others, the ones who seize what I give them and grasp for more...”

She gave a throaty, dramatic sigh. “That makes it all worthwhile. And I do still put stuff out on Whotube, you know. No reason to stop writing for myself.”

Applejack trod over to her kitchen for a refill. Sunset glanced to the empty spot, then lowered her voice.

“Do you want me to… uh, not spend the night?”

Adagio didn’t look up from her phone. “We’ve been over this before, Sunset. By all means, fuck my wife as much as you want.”

“That sounds like you’re just tolerating it,” Sunset said. “Hey, if you’re anything less than one-hundred percent I don’t–”

“Don’t get all human on me.” Adagio’s tapping thumb echoed her words with a tictac noise. “When it’s both of us on her we get to blow her mind, and she deserves every bit of it. And when it’s me on both of you, oh horrors and woe-is-me, I get to put the famous Sunset Shimmer through her paces.”

She glanced to Sunset, then back to her phone. “I do love you, you know. I just don’t like saying it.”

“You’ve really changed,” Sunset mused.

“Said the prom-queen demon.”

“Said the siren.”

Applejack barreled back into the room with a full tumbler. “I should have asked, Sunset, do you want any more?”

Sunset raised her own half-full glass. “Nah, I’m still working on mine. Thanks for letting me come over, AJ. The school year is what it is, but I’m happy to have somewhere to be on Friday nights.”

She gave a gentle cough. “Actually I’m, uh, feeling it. Any objections to me staying over tonight?”

Applejack’s smile grew wider, and curled mischievously on one side. “Well that’d be the bees’ knees and no mistake. Just like college, a nice little cuddle with you and me, then see where it goes. Adagio can take the guest room.”

Surprised, Sunset shot a quick glance between Applejack and her wife. The former siren’s eyes remained on her phone, though a smirk emerged below them.

“Whoa. Guessing by that you mean the dog house.”

“I can borrow one of her collars,” Adagio said with low humor.

Applejack’s grin took a frustrated edge. “Missy here – that woman who tricked me into marrying her – and I did a watch of the Lord of the Rings movies. First time for her. And ever since then she’s got it in her head that it’s the funniest thing in the world to interrupt lovemaking at the last possible moment to do the gul’ dang Gollum voice.”

“Precioussssss,” Adagio whispered.

“Wow,” Sunset said. “Yeah, that’s divorce material for sure.”

“Why does it hates us, precious?”

“This has been my life for three weeks,” Applejack grumbled, though her smile shined through.

Adagio flashed the jewelry on her hand. “Sorry, Babe. Too late now. Can’t even divorce me.”

“Why not?” Sunset asked.

Applejack hesitated. A few seconds of silence fell, followed by a sigh. “Daj, this was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Oh, let’s tell Sunset first.” Adagio rolled over to sit upright, dropping the kirin to the floor. “She deserves it.”

“Reckon so, yeah.”

Applejack approached Sunset, her jovial display replaced by solemn gravity. Sunset shifted her position to sit upright, and her host took her hands and held them. Green met green as their gazes met.

“You’re the best, Sunset. You really are. Daj is right, it’s only proper to let you know.”

Applejack’s throat worked, and a grin cracked through despite her best effort.

“I’m pregnant.”

Sunset gasped.

Then looked curious, and narrowed her eyes. “You’re a bad influence, Adagio.”

A titter came from the couch. “Who’s surprised?”

“Seriously, though: we’re adopting.”

“Holy cheese!” Sunset sprang up and wrapped her friend in a hug. “That’s incredible, AJ! Congratulations.”

“Heh. Thanks.” Applejack fiddled with her bangs, smiling to the floor. “We’re actually a little bit along with the process. Went to the agency to scope it out a few months ago and things… really, really clicked together. Like it was destiny.”

“Tell me,” Sunset said. She sat back down, but now leaned forward earnestly. “Tell me everything.”

Light shined in Applejack’s eyes as she did just that. It was amazing to see – exuberance came easily to the country girl, but this was different. She was focused, bright, intense. And so happy.

“He’s three and a half. He’s got a bunch of words and is a perfect little gentleman with them. Sharp and curious, maybe not as wild as a kid his age should be but he don’t have much space with his foster. Lordy, you should have seen him when he came for a visit! So much room, so many trees, he ran his butt off trying to see it all. Then when I showed him the chickens he was just so sweet and quiet, real gentle with them, and they all took a shine to him too.”

She showed pictures on her phone: a tiny gold-skinned boy with short green hair. Petting a baby chick with rapt attention, then holding a kirin and grinning for the camera.

“His name is Hitch Tailblazer. We… won’t make him change his last name, you know. He’s like me.”

Applejack’s smile wavered, but held strong. She stared at the face on the screen. “There’s an ocean of paperwork first. I can’t wait, Sunset. I really can’t.”

“I’m so happy for you.”

The mood got to Sunset, and her felt her breath catch in a quiet sob. Pressing on she declared, “Almost four, huh? He’ll probably be in the same grade as my sister.”

“Hitch and Sunny...” Adagio trailed off, then shrugged. “I ship it.”

She smiled over at the others’ stern looks. “What? He’s three and he’s already a lady-killer. Don’t pretend my son will grow up to be anything other than a dreamboat.”

Sunset raised an eyebrow, giving a smirk of her own. “And a musician, right?”

Adagio gave a languid shrug. “I’ll expose him to good music. What he does with that is up to him. You can’t force passion.”

Possessing a far better poker face than Applejack, she stared seriously into the distance. “Besides, there are many fine and noble arts out there which may await his touch.”

The mask broke. “Seduction, for instance.”

“Daj.”

“And writing, and philosophy. And monster hunting.”

“N-Now don’t even go funnin’ about that!” Applejack blustered out. She smiled nervously, mostly-certain Adagio was joking. “He’ll be his own little man, you know? T’aint a family business or nothing, and frankly there is no need, no how, no way he’ll have any part of it. A gentle kid like Hitch won’t want that, anyway.”

Sunset nodded hard. “Same on this end. Sunny Starscout is growing up as normal as they come. She has no interest in monster hunting, and she won’t get any in the future.”

Adagio smiled pleasantly into her phone. “Of course. That is exactly how things will go.”


Thirteen years later...

Crystal Prep Academy was on fire. At least, one very large corner of it was. Flames licked high into the midnight sky, the roar of their inferno almost covering the screams within as vampires awoke to find wild roses across their coffins, sealing them in forever. A nasty way to go, but the only way to stop their reign of terror.

More to the point, it was… only supposed to be a little fire. Just enough for the coffins. Some dust or carpeting must have caught, and…

It was hot enough to warm Sunny Starscout’s face as she stood watching in mute shock.

Then she and Hitch looked over to their third – a wacky, bespectacled girl with a Crystal Prep uniform and homemade flamethrower.

She pumped her fist to the air, oblivious to their peril. “Aw, yeah! Mission accomplished.”

“My moms are gonna kill me when they find out,” Hitch gulped, turning from Izzy’s celebration.

Behind them, their two pieces of brave bait chased each other around.

“Pipp, stop recording this!”

“What? Come on, Zipp. The school’s burning down, this will go viral for sure! Besides, I didn’t catch it when you nailed that creep with the wooden stake.”

“Because it’s a secret! And you just said it now on camera! If you post this I swear...”

Sunny swallowed, louder in her own ears than Hitch. She glanced to him, then straight back towards the fire.

Really, she had been meaning to tell Mom. Or Aunt Luna. But things moved so fast, and it had been now or never for countless innocents. Mom wouldn’t have expected her to stand by, would she? They’ll understand… won’t they?

“If,” she said, pulling her gaze away. “Not when. ‘If’ they find out. I think we can keep this down-low.”

A secondary explosion burst out the top corner of the school.