//------------------------------// // (Semi) Mad Science and an Unexpected Crossover // Story: Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga // by Barry the Brony //------------------------------// Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga By Barry the Brony “Testing, testing. One two, is this thing on?” Twilight Sparkle said into giving the microphone a gentle tap with a hoof. Standing before the control panel Twilight looked through the window into the room Homer was currently standing in to see if he heard her.  When Twilight saw Homer give her a thumb’s up (a gesture she had learned meant everything was good) she gave an adorable little clap of her hooves. “Oh good it’s working!” The room was one of the few in the castle Twilight had been proactive in designing herself. Namely because it was intended to be where she carried out experiments and various projects in a controlled environment with less of a risk of something going wrong.  Not that you would be able to tell that at first glance. The majority of the room, which was separated from the control panel by a thick glass window, was spacious with plain white walls. It was here that Homer was standing as he waited for them to get things started. “So, remind me again why you decided to put Homer through some tests before you guys tried the portal you’ve been working on to get him home?” Spike asked, giving Twilight an odd look.  Spike didn’t doubt the alicorn still had questions about Homer’s nature, but he would have thought Twilight would be more excited to experiment with one of the few spells made by Star Swirl she hadn’t exhaustively researched.  “Well…” Twilight glanced off to the side as if debating something before she sighed and decided to come clean. “To be honest I’m a little nervous about testing the portal, so before we gave it a try I thought it might calm my nerves to get more data on Homer in general.” “So…to be clear, you are conducting an experiment on Homer…to relax before you try and conduct an experiment for him.” Spike said, giving her a flat look.  “Hey I never said it was ethical, I just said it would calm my nerves.” Twilight said before she flipped the speaker back on. “Okay Homer, we’re just going to run some tests for a bit, any questions before we begin?” “Uh yeah, if I fail any of these will I have to take the course again?” Homer said, his voice coming through from the other side of the glass via a speaker. Twilight blinked at that. “Uh, no it won’t be those kinds of tests. There’s not actually going to be a way you can fail any of these.” “WOO-HOO!” “See? He’s excited.” Twilight said smirking at Spike who simply rolled his eyes in response.  *** Sitting at a table wearing a helmet wired with several electrodes, Homer stared through the glass at the piece of paper Twilight was holding up, eyes squinted in heavy concentration. “Hmmm…I’m going to say…a star?” Twilight flipped the piece of paper around to show a drawing of a circle. Almost immediately a low voltage shock went through Homer’s head making him seize up in his seat and make some gibbering noises. “Okay, okay. I can do this. The next one is…three wavy lines on top of one another?” Twilight sighed and turned the card around revealing it to be a triangle. Again Homer seized up from another shock. “Homer, you know we don’t have to keep going right? I think we can safely say that a Kwyjbo doesn’t have psychic abilities no matter how much negative reinforcement is applied.” Twilight said, getting a little worried on how Homer was starting to singe around the edges. “I keep telling you Twi, I can do this!” It was hard to tell if Homer truly believed he could use ESP or if he was just being stubborn at this point. Twilight briefly raised her eyes to the ceiling as though hoping for divine intervention. When none made itself apparent she sighed and picked up another piece of paper.  Homer squinted at it until his expression became what could best be described as ‘constipated’ before he finally said. “Uhh…rectangle, final answer!” Twilight glanced at the hexagon on the side facing her and then over at Spike. “Uh…that’s it, you got it right Homer, congratulations!” “WOO-HOO!” Homer cheered, jumping out of the chair, ripping the helmet off and spiking it like a football at touchdown.  “What was that about it not being possible to fail these tests?” Spike remarked “Mmm, maybe we’ll have better luck with another test.” Twilight suggested as she turned to the control panel once more. *** Twilight and Spike stared through the window. Their heads moved to the right. Then their heads moved to the left.  Then their heads moved right as once more Homer ran past the window screaming and wreathed in flames. “You know I’m starting to think the universe has it out for this guy. There’s being accident prone and then there’s that.” Spike said. “I still don’t understand it, there wasn’t even any flammable material or open flames in this test!” Twilight said, grabbing her clipboard and flipping through her notes while on the other side of the glass Homer finally hit the ground and started to roll around. “Uh, maybe we should put the flames out before we go any further into figuring out what went wrong?” Spike suggested. “Hm? Oh right!” Twilight hit a button as a nozzle extended from the ceiling and began to spray Homer with a flame retardant substance. The flames finally went out leaving Homer panting and coated in foam.  Sitting up he scooped up some of the foam on his finger and gave it a lick. “Ooh, strawberry!” “Huh, I guess Pinkie was right, there really wasn’t a downside to making the foam edible.” Twilight admitted as they watched Homer take an impromptu snack break by shoveling foam into his mouth by the handful. *** “Okay so that last test kind of, well it literally blew up in our faces, but this one should hopefully be a bit less…incendiary.” Twilight said as Homer watched a mechanical arm emerge from the wall next to him holding a spray bottle of all things.  “This is a substance made from a species of flower called Poison Joke. I found out about it during my first year in Ponyville and I’m curious to see its effects on a Kwyjbo.” Twilight explained. “Uh, should I be worried about the word ‘poison’ in the name?” Homer asked, eyeing the spray bottle warily.  “Oh no the effects aren’t actually dangerous, just wierd. The symptoms vary from person to person but it’s usually something that could be seen as funny from a certain point of view…though usually not to the one experiencing said symptoms I’ll admit.” Twilight reached up and rubbed her hoof, shuddering at an unpleasant memory. “Anyway I have the antidote on standby so let’s give it a shot!” (Not ten seconds later) Twilight stared. Spike stared. Homer, whose head was now an enormous donut with human features, stared back at them both. “Uh, Spike do you want to-” “On it.” Spike said, running off to grab something leaving Twilight and Homer alone. Very slowly, without breaking eye contact, Homer began to lift a hand to the side of his head as if to- “Don’t you dare.” Twilight said flatly. “Aw come on, just a little taste?” “Homer, that's auto-cannibalism, you don’t need a friendship lesson to know that’s something you shouldn’t do!” “Okay then you take a bite and tell me what I taste like.” “I AM NOT TAKING A BITE OUT OF YOUR HEAD!” In the silence that followed Spike suddenly hopped up and took a picture with the camera he had just retrieved from his room. (A few minutes later) Pinkie Pie looked from Homer to Twilight and back again. “Sooo, just so I’m clear,you want me to take a bite and tell you what flavor Homer’s giant donut head is?”  “That just about sums up the situation, yes.” Twilight said wondering at what point she had lost control over her life. “Think you can help us Pinkie? Twilight’s pretty firm on not letting me eat myself.” “Well why doesn’t Twilight just end the test and move on if it’s a problem?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head. “Because at this point I’m kind of curious about what his flavor is too.” Twilight sighed, hanging her head in shame. “Hmm…” Pinkie Pie hummed in thought, scrunching up her face. “Okie dokie loki!”  Scampering up Homer like a squirrel climbing a tree, Pinkie leaned in and took a tiny nibble from the surface of Homer’s head. “Mmm!” “Well what’s he taste like Pinkie?” Spike asked almost as curious now as everyone else. Pinkie Pie hummed again, closing her eyes as she went over the taste before they popped open. “Pumpkin Spice!” “Really? Let me try.” Before anyone could stop him Homer tore a chunk out and ate it. “Well I’ll be damned.” “At this point we all may very well be.” Twilight sighed nonetheless scribbling down the information. *** “Okay well I won’t pretend that things didn't get really weird but I did get a lot of raw data thanks to Homer participating in those tests…even if I now have more questions then when I started.” Twilight explained as she, Homer and Spike now stood in the room where she had been working on the portal. Said portal looked, well, like just about any other portal cobbled together using a combination of science and magic would look. Bits of metal here, wires and glass bulbs there, enhanced runes covering every square inch and, according to tradition, it was perfectly circular.  Homer (whose head was now back to normal and inexplicably unharmed) watched as Twilight began to plug in several cords, a low thrumming starting to build with each one.  “Now that the Portal is stable enough to use, the next phase will be checking out a few dimensions to see if we can narrow down exactly where yours is Homer. Discord said your species occupy a great number of alternate realities, but we have no way of knowing what differences there are between your species and variations elsewhere in the multiverse. Which is why we need to establish key differences in order to narrow down the list of interdimensional coordinates.” The little Alicorn explained before a gentle cough from Spike alerted her to the slightly fish eyed stare Homer had trying to understand her. “Uh…basically we need to check out a few universes to see what other Kwyjbo look like to know what to look for.”  “Oh, well why didn’t you say so?” “I just di-nevermind,” Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Fortunately Discord already listed all the places to avoid so we should be in no danger.” “Then why are you and Spike piling sandbags on the other side of the room?” Homer asked watching Spike come in with another one to add to the pile. “Because while I trust Discord wants to help us out in the long run I wouldn’t put it past him to throw a curveball at us just for kicks.” Twilight said, fitting a hard hat over her head and then handing one over to Spike and Homer respectively. Though in the latter’s case she doubted it could offer any more protection than whatever Homer’s skull was made of. All three of them hunkered down as Twilight flipped a switch and the Portal began to rumble. There was a strange metallic rasping sound followed by a ‘boink’ before the empty circle was now filled with a glowing, swirling vortex of energy.  “Alright,” Twilight said, pulling on a pair of safety goggles. “Preparing to deploy the probe.” She levitated the aforementioned object over in her magic and began to count down, while Homer and Spike watched.   “Five...four…three…” Homer and Spike were visibly sweating and even Twilight took a moment to lick her suddenly dry lips before she continued. “Two…one…DEPLOYING PROBE!” She jabbed the handle of the broom through the vortex and was immediately greeted with the sensation of making an impact with something, while at the same time everyone could clearly hear someone on the other side speak. “OW! What the…?” Years of proper manners due to a combination of lessons in etiquette from both her mother and Princess Celestia immediately made Twilight throw all caution to the wind and leap over the sandbags. Running to the portal she stuck her head through. “Oh my gosh I am SO sorry are you…okay?” Twilight trailed off as she took in her new surroundings. It was remarkable in how, well, unremarkable it was. The portal was hovering a few feet off the ground in what looked like a kitchen. Grill, shelves, counter, a window into the next room for the cook to receive orders, Twilight had seen this exact setup a thousand times any time she caught a glimpse of the back to a restaurant whenever she had gone out to eat.  Standing in front of her and rubbing his head was a creature who bore some remarkable similarities to Homer (she could only assume the creature was male simply due to how much hair was on his face and arms).  However unlike Homer this Kwyjbo had a head of scruffy black hair, a bushy mustache, and his skin was more of a peach-tan in color then the yellow tone Homer had. If Twilight had to make an educated guess based on the apron he was wearing, she was looking at the cook to this place. Twilight and the creature stared at each other in an awkward silence before he spoke in a deep voice with a hint of an accent she couldn’t quite place. “Okay…really don’t know what to make of this. I’d ask if you were a hallucination but-” “-But you have no way of knowing if my answer was true or just part of said hallucination? Yeah I can see the issue there . Well in any case sorry about the broom handle.”  “Oh, you have brooms where you’re from?” Bob asked in lieu of anything else he could think to say. He was still trying to figure out if years of struggling to run a business had finally caused him to snap. That or he had drunk too much Absinthe again.  “Uh yes, yes we do. Anyway I didn’t mean to interrupt your day, I’m just figuring out a way to travel between dimensions and I needed to take the machine for a test run. Would you mind answering a few questions for me?” “Well we aren’t open for a little while and Linda and the kids are probably still asleep so…I guess? This isn't the prelude to an invasion like in the movies is it?” Bob had to admit he never imagined the Earth would be invaded by interdimensional beings who looked so…wholesome. “What?! No! Nononono! I’m just trying to help a friend get back to his own dimension.” Twilight assured him looking positively aghast at the idea. “Let me start over, my name is Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship and, at the moment, representative of the land of Equestria. it’s very nice to meet you.” “I’m Bob, Bob Belcher. I…uh…make burgers?” Bob looked down at the slightly dirty apron he was wearing, suddenly feeling very under dressed for this. “Oh you mean like hay burgers?” Twilight asked, tilting her head. “You can make hay into burgers?”  “Well yeah if you fry it first, otherwise it’s just a hay sandwich.” “Huh, that actually makes sense. But I don’t use hay for my burgers, we use beef.” “What’s beef?” “You know, beef, like cows?” There was a pause before Bob added. “Uh, it occurs to me that maybe I shouldn’t have said that to a talking horse. It’s a little early in the morning to start a war.” “It’s alright, what you do in your reality is nobody’s business but your own, though for the record I’m a pony.” Twilight assured him before Bob heard a voice from somewhere behind Twilight’s head. “Everything okay Twilight?”  “Just a second,” Twilight said to Bob before she pulled her head back, her voice still clearly audible. “Everything’s fine Spike, it looks like Discord was right about there being Kwyjbo in multiple universes.” “Kui-what?” Bob asked not sure if he had just been called some kind of pony slur.  “Oh sorry, the term is Kwyjbo, it’s what my friend Homer said your species was called.” “Well last time I checked we called ourselves Humans. I mean there’s a longer scientific name but I can’t remember what it is.” “Really? Interesting,” Twilight pulled her head back. “Hey Homer? Are you sure your species aren’t called humans? That’s what this one says they are called.” Now Bob heard a third voice. “Oh now I remember! Anyway, does that one look like me?” “Kind of, he says his name is Bob, apparently he makes burgers.” ‘BURGERS?!” Homer’s head burst out of the portal right next to Twilight.  “OH MY GOD! What’s wrong with your skin?!” Bob asked, drawing back. It was one thing to see a purple pony, but to see what looked like another person with skin like a lemon was…unsettling. “Ew, what’s wrong with yours? You look like a hot dog that was left to soak in water overnight!” “Homer be nice!” Twilight scolded him before turning back to Bob. “I’m sorry this is my friend Homer, he’s a human like you but it looks like he’s from a different universe.” “Oh, okay, I wasn’t sure if he was sick or something.” Bob said before he turned back to Homer. “Sorry about that, you said you wanted a burger?” Alternate reality or not a customer was a customer. “Oh my god you have no idea how long it’s been since I had a real burger.” “Homer, you've only been in Equestria for a week or so.” “Yeah but when it comes to cravings it’s like dog years.” “Wow, you are really starting to remind me of my friend Teddy.” Bob remarked. Homer paused. “Is that good or bad?” Bob looked down thinking it over. “Hmm, long term? I guess it’s good, I mean he’s pretty harmless and he helps out a lot with repairs. Anyway, what kind of burger do you want?”  “Buddy at this point I’d settle for just the patty.” Bob actually chuckled. “Well I think I can do a little better than that for you. Coming right up.” Bob went to work preparing the burger while Twilight asked him a few general questions about humans to try and figure out what she was looking for going forward. The fact Bob’s species was so similar to Homer’s was very encouraging, as it meant there wouldn’t be as much guesswork as she had thought there might be. Of course everyone had to be careful to keep their voice down, it was agreed that having Bob’s wife and child stumble upon him talking with an interdimensional pony and a human with yellow skin was probably more exciting than anyone needed right now. That and Bob was pretty sure his eldest daughter Tina would try to climb through the portal to live amongst Twilight’s people. Maybe his son Gene too if they sang as much as Twilight said they did. His youngest daughter Louise would probably just try to stage a coup and appoint herself ruler. Finally Bob put the finishing touches on a cheeseburger with full toppings and carried the plate over to the portal where Homer was waiting. Reaching out Homer picked up the burger, sniffed it a few times to savor the smell of cooking flesh and took a big bite. “Well? Do you like it?” Bob asked, surprised at how nervous he was over this. Homer said nothing as he chewed a few times before he suddenly spoke through a mouthful of burger. “...Would it be weird if I kissed you full on the mouth?” “Uh, well I’m married so probably not a good idea.” Bob admitted. “Well, in that case, let me just say, this is the best damn burger I’ve had in years.” “Wow, really?” Bob couldn’t keep the delight out of his voice hearing this.  “Oh yeah. I mean Krusty Burger is great for when you need a quick bite on the go or in bulk, but there’s a lot to be said for the hand cooked stuff.” Homer said in between bites. It was only his attempt at being polite that kept him from trying to lick the plate clean in full view of Bob. “That actually means a lot to me, thank you.” Bob said. “So what do I owe you for the burger?” “Oh I couldn’t ask you to-” “No no, fair is fair, you made the meal I should pay for it, plus Twilight nearly took your eye out with the broom.” “Hey!” Came Twilight’s voice from somewhere behind Homer in the portal. “What I said nearly!” “Well I usually charge five dollars and ninety five cents for the burger of the day.” Bob said. Handing Bob the plate Homer pulled out his wallet and thumbed through it before handing Bob a couple of one dollar bills. “Let’s see…three, four, five bucks and…” Homer pulled out a handful of change and started to count it out. “Aw crap I’m about twenty cents short, hang on,” Homer said before turning his head. “Hey Twilight, can you spot me twenty bits?” “Sure one second.” A moment later Twilight reappeared with a little bag she used to carry her money. Holding it in her hooves, she used her magic to place twenty bits on the counter. “Alright well we should get out of your hair, but thank you so much for your help Mister Belcher.” “Oh, uh, you’re welcome. This was…kind of weird but also sort of fun. You guys take care.” Bob said smiling. Homer started to pull back his head before he paused as something seemed to occur to him. “Oh before I forget, have you guys solved any of the big stuff yet?” “Uh, might have to be a little more specific.” Bob said, tilting his head. “Pollution?” “Not really.” “World peace?”  “Uh-uh.” “Global Warming?”  “Well we’re calling it Climate Change now so that’s…something I guess.” Homer and Bob looked at each other before they simultaneously shrugged and said ‘meh’ before they shook hands.  The portal vanished with another ‘boink’ as Bob collected the money Homer had left, squinting at the bills. “Huh, not sure if the bank will take these, the little people on them look off. Oh well.” He turned to the bits Twilight had left and picked one up. “But these are kind of cute, what is it like a milk chocolate coi-oh my God that’s gold.”