For the first time in ages, I’m updating this log of events I’ve written down since my creation.
Princess Luna has casted a spell to help me recall memories more accurately and completely, and with that, I’ve been able to create the history of what happened since my creation. As well, in discussion with both her and Princess Celestia, Sombra and I have learned how to properly control who’s fronting, and how to ‘co-front’ so that we both share the same space at the same time. I do still prefer this for day to day activities, since it simplifies the need we have for each of our respective duties, and surprisingly, Sombra does as well. No spell is required anymore for this to take place. It can be done at will. Normally, we only switch out when one of us is resting or doing something private. Otherwise, we’re one being.
Hope seems not to be on the greatest of terms with me– the main reason being that she dislikes my renewed existence on Princess Cadance’s part. She tries not to show it, and is friendly with me, but I can see it, especially when I’m the sole fronter. It’s not so much hatred, but annoyance, annoyance that’s clearly from the fact that she wishes to have our whole body to herself rather than Sombra and I sharing time. He doesn’t seem to mind it, but she certainly does.
Which leads into the second reason she’s not on great terms with me. She dislikes my romantic interest in Fluttershy. Again, she doesn’t say so, and tries not to show it, but whenever the mare comes over, she shoots what would be murderous glances at her if looks could kill. She’s very clearly jealous, although her jealousy has tapered off more so these days, much lower now than in the beginning. It’s not unlike the jealousy she had in the past that wasn’t.
Sombra sees no issue with my interest, just as I have no issue with his being with Radiant Hope. We’ve both come to an understanding that during the time we spend with these ponies, the other should stop fronting and rest. It is quite awkward, but we’ve been getting used to it. Fluttershy understands as well, and says that she sees no issues so long as neither we nor Radiant Hope do, and Radiant Hope goes along with it because of her intense love for her friend. With the way she looks at him, I can tell that she would do anything for him, and seems to completely forget about the rest of the world whenever he’s around, and certainly of our situation. She’s warmed up to me more in the last year however.
I expected Discord to show more anger in my interest in Fluttershy, however, it seemed that the two truly had a purely platonic relationship. His only complaint so far has been that he doesn’t want me to have tea parties with her, lest I ruin the sanctity and specialness of theirs. Not that we’re very far into romantic involvement with each other. In fact, he acted as though he was her guardian, telling me that I needed to treat her right the second he learned I was interested in her. It certainly made me laugh.
I’m unsure if I would call Sombra my friend, but he’s certainly not bad, not that I ever particularly thought so, outside of being in his body. He’s quite like a roommate, except the room is his head. Our head. My head. Even now, it’s still settling on me that this is truly a body of my own, that I’m not a human being like I used to think. I still have those memories, and still long for that life, but perhaps that’s okay. It makes me who I am somehow, as opposed to nothing. And right now, with a pony like Fluttershy being beside me, existence is very much what I would choose.
A pony like Fluttershy is why I don't blame Cadance for her choice in bringing me back. I’ve had a long discussion with her, one where I explained to her expressly why she was wrong in doing so, but I don’t hate her for the choice. I don’t believe I ever have since I got back from the archives. A brighter Equestria makes up for that, especially one that treats me kindly as it does now. Even now, it’s still difficult to get used to, and occasionally somepony will tell me something that conflicts with a memory I have of the other past, but it passes. It’s not great by a long stretch– I would still rather be a human– but maybe it can be okay, so long as Cadance understands why she was wrong for doing this.
Another pony who had a long conversation with Cadance was Twilight. I think it’s safe to say that she, like I, is still a little messed up from the two years we experienced in that alternate past, because she quickly stepped down from her position ruling alongside Cadance and Shining Armor in Celestia’s retirement after leaving the archives with me. From what I heard, the two of them had a long discussion about friendship and sisterhood and what it means to be princess and harboring jealousy and numerous other things. She gave a version of her memories of the past that she wrote to Cadance to read, and told me that she sobbed at what she read, particularly when she got to the part where she tried to hurt her husband. I can imagine that the mare won’t be pulling any other stunts in the future.
Both Twilight and I agreed that nopony else living should have access to it, outside of Celestia and Luna. The former declined to read it, explaining that she already heard the story from her years ago, and the latter didn’t need to, since she helped both Twilight and I access those memories, and thus had full knowledge of all that happened. We did decide though that it should be preserved, with access being allowed at such a time when everypony involved was either deceased or retired. Until then, it would remain on lockdown in our personal possessions, where nopony else could have access. I even declined giving Fluttershy access, as did Sombra with Radiant Hope and Twilight with Shining Armor. We were strict about who could read it.
Twilight, as much as she had grown between the first time I met her and when we went into the archives, seemed to grow even more between then and now. The pony who once doubted herself and worried about making wrong decisions and was nervous speaking her mind was no longer. She seemed older, wiser, and somehow completely different from who she was when I first met her. She said the same about me, and about Sombra as well. Certainly about Cadance and Celestia. I can safely say I agree with her.
Our relationship has gotten a lot closer since we left the archives, considering only the three of us had actually experienced what was before. She comes over to talk to Sombra and I all the time, almost as much as Fluttershy does. It’s always nice, although it's not common that we speak of the past. Mostly it’s about other things, like what we’ve been doing lately and what our relationships with other ponies are like. Somehow the bond of we all being there actually created a real friendship between us, one that’s genuine. It’s one I appreciate.
It still hurts though. It hurts to think about what could have been. It hurts to think about my family, and how much I dearly miss them, and how I wish I had any other life besides this. But it’s also nice. It’s nice to hear Princess Cadance singing to the birds, or Twilight go on about a new book she read, or being able to cozy up with Fluttershy while she talks about her animals. It makes it seem like it all had a purpose, like the pain was meant to make these little moments that much better. Even right now, Sombra is telling me about how he agrees. After sinking into depression for so long, it feels nice to be uplifted and have normal relationships in Equestria. Perhaps it was not a land that everyone wanted to be in, seeing as my human life never existed, but a land that I wanted to be in before I came into existence. A land of friendship and ponies.
It feels like I’ve stepped out of the shadows of what was before, and into the light. My eyes are still adjusting to it, the light hurting them at first glance as my pupils dilate, and I know I’ll always long for the time before the shadows, but in the light is the kindness of butterflies that fly under the shining sun.