When I lived in Equestria, winter was just another part of the year. It got cold, there’d be snow all over the place for a little while, and I usually didn't realize it was at its end until wrap-up started. I paid it as much mind as any other season, and as dull as that may sound, that’s how I preferred it.
But after a few years of living on this side of the portal, my feelings for winter have evolved from apathy to bitter contempt. It’s a miserable time of year from beginning to end for a multitude of reasons specific to this world.
In Equestria, seasons are timed, so there’s a certain level of consistency maintained for when a season ends and the next one begins. Even when the weather is intense, there’s a routine to it, so it’s unobtrusive. In this world, however, the seasons begin and end whenever they feel like it. Some seasons will be cut drastically short, while others will drag on much longer than they should.
To add to the frustration, the weather itself is continuously variable. Even if humans have made major strides in weather pattern research, their predictions feel like they’re more off the mark than on. The forecast will say nothing but sunny days for a week straight, only for a blizzard to roll in the next day.
To be fair, the way weather works in this world is far more complex than in Equestria. Ponies have magic and wings, and both of those allow them to control the forecast. Meanwhile, the weather ebbs and flows on its own here, and we just have to adapt. There’s nothing anyone can do about it, but that does nothing to quell my utter disdain for this awful, icy season.
It may seem silly to complain at such lengths about something as “fact-of-life” as the weather, but you have to understand that the shift from what I lived in and what I’m forced to deal with now is staggering. And what I’ve said so far is only scratching the surface. I haven’t even talked about the worst parts of the season yet.
Sure, maybe it was worse because I drove a motorbike instead of a car, but even then, getting around anywhere in the winter is more tedious and precarious than it needs to be. Riding a motorcycle is already dangerous at any time of year because of how awful everyone is at driving, but it’s especially so in the winter. The freezing temperatures must shrink everyone else’s brains.
Not only that, but the experience of riding in the winter is excruciating. It doesn’t matter if I wear three jackets, two shirts, two pairs of pants, socks, gloves, etc.; I will still be freezing in no time. It takes only a few minutes of riding for the frigid air to penetrate every layer of protective clothing. Even the brief ride from my apartment to school is enough to chill me to the bone.
So in the winter, I don’t like to make trips anywhere I don’t have to. The one advantage is that it's a perfect excuse to turn down hanging out with the girls after school. Going between school, work, and home was enough of a hassle, and I would be dead long before I’d ever ask for or accept a ride from any of them.
But this was a special night. I mean, it wasn't that special—I was probably just going to sit around and do nothing all night—but Fluttershy had invited me, and if she worked herself up enough to ask me directly, it must have been important to her. It was going to be boring, and I wasn’t going to have any fun, but it would be the first step toward getting Rainbow Dash to lay off, and that was all the reason I needed to push through.
Though, as I rode my bike down the highway, my mind was riddled with second thoughts. I knew it didn’t matter, but I couldn’t stop asking myself: what if Fluttershy invited me out of pity?
Naturally, that question opened the gate to a flood of others. Did she notice how often I would sit there among them, merely existing in their presence? If she did, did she feel bad for me because of that? Perhaps she invited me just to clear her own guilty conscience. If that were the case, I couldn’t fault her for it—I had my own ulterior motive, after all—but something about that still irked me in a way I couldn’t explain.
And when I couldn’t answer those, more questions spilled forth. What would the other girls think when I arrived? Would they even be expecting me? Had Fluttershy talked it over with them too, or would I be showing up unannounced? Every time I thought about it, I'd imagine myself walking into the room, all their eyes and bewildered expressions fixed on me, and my stomach would twist itself into another knot.
And if I did pop in without warning, how would I be welcomed? Would I be welcome at all? What if they wanted me to leave? Would Fluttershy say anything? What could she even say?
In the back of my mind, I could tell many of these were unreasonable—perhaps unfair—questions, but I couldn’t stop myself from nearly drowning in them. The illogical questions were just as loud as the valid ones, and all of them were equally as difficult to answer.
I just kept worrying the whole way there. It felt like that was all I did anymore. After several months of doing nothing but agonizing over every little thing, you'd think I'd be desensitized to it. But for some reason, if I couldn’t find a reason to feel uneasy, my mind would make one.
But it was too late to back out. When I texted Fluttershy earlier, she texted me back before I even finished walking home. And when I read her confirmation, that was the point of no return.
As I drew closer to Applejack's residence, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. The absurdity of how I was treating this wasn’t lost on me. A few months ago, this would have all meant nothing to me. Now, a night spent hanging out with my "friends" held so much dramatic tension in my mind that it affected me on a physical level.
Finally, after what felt like hours of speeding through the below-freezing temperatures of the winter night, I arrived at a house on the outskirts of town. The weathered driveway led to a barn-shed-type-thing, and to the right was a path leading to Applejack’s house, which looked just like the barn, only bigger and more well-kept.
To the right of the barn were three vehicles, two I recognized and one I didn’t. Applejack’s truck sat closest to the barn, followed by Rarity’s car right next to it. At the end was a white van parked next to Rarity’s car. Seeing as it was the last one in the line, I parked right next to it.
As I slid into the spot, I killed the engine and kicked the kickstand down. After the noise from the bike faded, I could hear the muffled sound of several instruments being played from inside the barn, each seeming a little off-time in their own way. It was safe to assume that’s where band practice was being held.
I felt a cold breeze against my cheeks as I pulled my helmet off. This was it. Staring at the barn once more, I gulped and stepped off the bike. My anxiety could only be matched by how stupid I felt for being so nervous in the first place.
Placing the helmet down on the seat, I started my trek toward the barn. Typically, I walk fast, but I was in no rush, despite the biting cold. Instead, I took in the sights around the farm.
What few there were. There was a lot of cold, dead grass, evenly cut throughout the front of the yard. But I couldn’t make out much beyond that, however. A few apple trees to the right of the house, but the minimal light provided by the night sky made it difficult to see anything further than them.
Even when I tried to take it slow, I walked too fast. Before I knew it, I stood before the two big wooden doors of the barn. I took a deep breath, quietly chuckling as I exhaled. Everyone in there was here to have fun and play music, yet here I was, feeling like I was standing before the gallows. I pushed on the doors.
They didn’t budge. I pushed again, same thing.
I tried to knock, but judging by the noise from inside, no one must have been able to hear. For a moment, I thought about turning around and going back home. They would never know I was ever there if I left right then, right?
But I told Fluttershy I would be here. How would she feel if I said I was coming only to not show up? What would I tell her? I could always just say something came up. It’s not like she’d question me about it. Then again, would she even care?
Letting out a deep sigh, I tried to clear my mind before I could talk myself out of it. As I replaced all the air in my lungs with another long breath, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted Fluttershy once more.
>hey! i’m outside right npw. the doors locked lol
The tinge of embarrassment I felt after sending a message with a typo made me wince. I exhaled another deep breath as I waited. The music stopped. After that, I heard some noises from the other side of the door before it slowly creaked open.
Stepping out of the cold, I found the inside of the shed looked somewhat bare. There was no proper ceiling for the most part, so I could see the dusty wood that held the roof up. Several dim light bulbs were mounted to the bottom of the tie beams that ran under each truss. There was no insulation either, which explained why there were a couple of space heaters on the cement floor.
My eyes continued to probe around the room. Rainbow Dash and Applejack stood before their amplifiers, and Pinkie Pie sat behind a drum kit between them. Rarity was sitting on a metal folding chair, the keyboard in her lap plugged into a wall outlet nearby. There was a single microphone, but no speakers or anything else. Their basic setup led me to the conclusion they must not have been doing this band thing for very long.
As I stood in the doorway, I could see all the girls staring at me, every one of them looking with varying degrees of surprise. Everyone except the girl whose head was peeking from behind the door, who greeted me with a warm smile.
“Glad you could make it,” Fluttershy said.
Before I had a chance to respond to her, a raspy voice interjected.
“What’s she doing here?”
Rainbow Dash may not have been asking me, but that didn’t stop her eyes from drilling into me. Things were already off to such a great start. First, everyone looked shocked to see I was here, and now Dash was greeting me with her trademarked abrasive attitude. What a great way to be welcomed by your friends.
It didn’t occur to me how arid my throat was until I inhaled to say something. The cold outside air usually left me pretty dry after a ride, and the anxiety I’d been feeling since I hit the road certainly didn’t help. Still, I wasn't about to let my nerves get the better of me.
But just as I was about to respond, I was interrupted once more.
“I invited her,” Fluttershy answered boldly. “I figured she might want to hang out with us too.” When Rainbow Dash’s confused expression didn’t let up, Fluttershy’s confidence wavered. “I-I didn’t think anyone would mind.”
I felt conflicted. Maybe I should have felt grateful to her for sticking up for me. Maybe I should have been relieved that I didn’t have to defend my sudden appearance. But for some reason, Fluttershy answering for me made me feel resentful. I didn’t want or need her to justify my presence. That was something I had already prepared to do, and I could have easily done it on my own.
Dash furrowed her brow and lifted her hand limply. “Okay, fine, but why didn’t you tell anyone else?”
Once again, I opened my mouth to respond.
“Who cares?! More friends in the band! Welcome to The Rainbooms!” Pinkie exclaimed, punctuating her outburst with a brief yet impressively technical drum fill.
“Pinkie, she’s not in the band,” Dash countered. “And Fluttershy, we can’t just invite anyone to practice. We already spend too much time dicking around not getting anything done. If we start treating this like just another hangout session, my band will never get off the ground!”
To avoid glaring at Dash, I clenched my teeth and pretended to let my eyes wander around the inside of the barn. She was worried about me distracting them even though she was making a scene about me showing up? In the two minutes since my arrival, I hadn’t even said a word. And yet, in that short time, she’d confirmed I wasn’t allowed in the band, referred to me as “just anyone,” and was accusing me of making things difficult. At least that more or less confirmed she doesn’t view me as a friend.
“Oh, relax, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity insisted. “It’s not like we’ve been doing this very long, and I doubt Sunset’s going to cause much of a disruption. Right, darling?” Her head turned to me, her lips curled into a reassuring smile. I attempted to return the gesture, but even a slight grin was hard to muster up at that moment.
“And Sunset’s not just 'anyone,' she’s our friend,” Fluttershy contended. “Besides, I don’t even play any instruments and you let me be here.”
The continued assurance from Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity caused the tension in my body to wane. It was a strange sensation. Part of me was still apprehensive, though—as if their defense was something I should reject. But, at the same time, it was nice to have to have more than just my shadow in my corner for once.
Dash put her hands up, making a push motion defensively. “Alright, alright, I get it,” she resigned. “I didn’t say she couldn’t be here, I just don’t want us to get too distracted.”
Then she turned her head to me and our eyes met.
“Sorry about that,” she said, her expression firm and her tone limp. Her apology was clearly empty of any meaning.
Had it not been for the girls bolstering my confidence, I would have struggled not to appear visibly irritated. Instead, I decided to be diplomatic, if for no other reason than to make Rainbow Dash look like the jerk she was.
“It’s okay! I get it. This is obviously important to you. You won’t even know I’m here, I promise.”
I punctuated that with my best attempt at a friendly smile. In return, I received a dirty look. That wasn’t enough to deter me, however. Even if she was being an ass, there was no denying I looked better in the end.
“Well, I’m glad ya came Sunset!” Applejack’s friendly smile quickly morphed into a smirk. “Hopefully you find my ‘shitty little backwater sewer swamp’ a bit more hospitable than you expected.”
With that, all of the smug superiority I felt was immediately knocked out of me.
“Hah, yeah. Sorry about that.” I grinned sheepishly. Applejack was paraphrasing something I’d said about her in the past, and while she may have omitted some of the more reprehensible parts of what I said, it still made me feel pretty awful.
“I’m just messin’ with ya, don’t think nothin’ of it. ‘Sides, I always thought it was kinda funny anyway. Lot more creative than what I’m used to hearin’.” I wanted to believe her, but it was hard to imagine anyone finding the abhorrent things I used to say about them “creative”. I looked away, a nervous chuckle my only response.
From there, the night went pretty much exactly how I expected. It didn’t take long for me to pick up on a recurring pattern. The girls would all have one conversation, then the conversation would turn into two. Rarity and Pinkie would talk to each other, while Applejack and Dash would usually carry on by themselves. Then, Dash would get everyone to focus so they could practice a song once or twice. They’d play for a few minutes at a time, and then the cycle would repeat.
Fluttershy was right about there not being much practicing going on. It was a lot like our lunch period, except now and then they would break into song. Then again, sudden musical numbers in the cafeteria were something they were known for. So I suppose it was accurate to say it was just lunch away from lunch.
Most of my time was spent zoning out as I leaned against one of the wooden support beams in the shed. To my surprise, I didn’t feel that uncomfortable once everyone settled into the groove. Sure, I wasn’t having much fun, but I didn’t feel like I was totally unwelcome. Having the girls on my side when Dash questioned my arrival probably did a lot to help with that.
But as they practiced, my mind marched to its own beat. The fact that everything was happening as if I wasn’t there was somewhat comforting, but it was equally disconcerting. I wasn’t a distraction, but that made me feel invisible. My presence may not be disruptive, but it seemed like my absence would be just as consequential. These were supposed to be my friends, but once again, I was relegated to the background.
If I wasn’t a nuisance, I was a prop. My attendance didn’t mean anything to them aside from making them feel secure in the fact that they were “looking after me” like Twilight wanted them to. I was there not because of an obligation I had to them, but out of an obligation they had to someone a world away, and as long as she was that far, they could get away with doing the bare minimum.
Maybe I should have left when I had the chance.
Would that have been any different, though? Would I have felt any better sitting alone in my apartment, killing time until I had to struggle to fall asleep? Then I’d wake up the next day, go to school, and hear about all the fun they had at the band practice I refused to attend. It all made me feel so stupid. I should have been happy to be included at all. But if my inclusion made no discernable impact on anything, what good was it to be included?
“Sorry if this isn’t what you expected,” Fluttershy said. She was leaning her shoulder against another side of the support beam my back was against. “I hope this isn’t too boring for you.”
It hadn’t occurred to me, but Fluttershy wasn’t involved in almost any of the conversations happening with the band. Even when they weren’t playing music, it was easy to forget she was here too. Occasionally she’d pop in with something to say, but seldom anything beyond that.
“Actually, this is pretty much exactly what I expected.” I tried to give a convincing chuckle, but it ended up coming out mirthlessly. When she didn’t respond, I looked behind me. Her expression was nervous.
“I mean, you all haven’t been in a band for long, right? This is pretty typical for early band practice.” Truthfully, I was talking out of my ass. I had a vague understanding of what being in a band was like from what Flash told me about his own band, but I never cared enough to listen all that much. And while I did play guitar, I’d only been playing for a couple of years and had never been in a band myself, but I had to salvage this interaction somehow.
Thankfully, that seemed to put her at ease.
“This is just our third practice,” she answered. “Dash got really excited about being in a band after the Formal, but it’s been a lot more work than we all thought.”
I turned my whole body around to face her, leaning my shoulder against the beam as well. “So, you don’t actually play anything?”
Fluttershy shook her head, her eyes nervously glancing around after. “No. I’m just here because Dash wanted me to be in the band anyway. All I really do while I’m here is stand around quietly, but I don’t mind.”
“Ah, moral support duty,” I remarked. Fluttershy giggled and nodded.
I smirked. “So you just asked me to come so you wouldn’t be the only one standing around with nothing to do, huh?”
The smile on her face quickly shifted to panic as her eyes went wide. “Wh–? N-No! I–” she stammered.
“Hey, relax!” I held my palms open in front of me. “I’m just messing around. Besides, even if that were the reason, I’d understand,” I reassured. “Sitting in the background sucks a little less when you’re not alone, right?”
The tension in her quickly dissipated. Her cheeks looked a little pink as her eyes remained fixed off to the side. “I-I guess I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of it, but I really didn’t want you to feel left out, either.”
“Why, though?” I cocked my head back toward the others. “It’s like Dash said: I’m not in the band.”
“Well, even if she says I’m in the band, it’s not like I’m really in it,” she replied. “Rainbow Dash said I am just because we’re all friends. So, if I don’t have to play anything to be part of it, why shouldn’t you be allowed in, too?”
There were probably a hundred thousand different answers to that question I could come up with, but I was too distracted by the fact that, by that logic, Dash had indirectly confirmed I wasn’t her friend. Not that I needed her to do that, but at least there was even less room to speculate.
My next words left my mouth without prior consideration. “That’s a surprise to hear,” I muttered.
Fluttershy tilted her head. “Why?”
If I could have taken those words back then, I would. But this was an opportunity to be open and honest about my feelings. As terrifying of a thought as that was, I sighed and pushed myself to explain what I meant.
“It’s just that…” My eyes roamed around the inside of the shed as I formulated and reformulated my response multiple times. “Well, after the way I treated all of you—you especially—I figured you would prefer it if I weren’t included in anything you all do.” I punctuated my sentence with a nervous chuckle.
“I-I guess I understand that.“Her tone seemed to indicate she had more to say, but as I waited for a follow-up, her continued silence told me it wasn’t coming.
A pang of anxiety radiated from my chest. I wasn’t sure what I wanted her to say, but anything at all would have been better than nothing. She returned my honesty with honesty of her own, but I found myself desperately wishing I’d answered with a lie instead. Not even she could think of a reason why she wanted to include me. Pity was the only reason.
“I’m really glad you came, though,” she offered.
“Thanks. I’m glad I did, too,” I lied. My lips curled into a smile, but the rest of my face didn’t move.
After that, our eyes wandered away from each other. The end of our conversation left a sour taste in my mouth, but I knew I couldn’t reasonably be upset. What I said was true—she had every reason to not want me around—and her inability to argue that more or less affirmed that notion. Even with her gentle reassurance at the end, I could tell I was still unwanted.
At least being in the background felt a little less dismal since Fluttershy was there with me. Neither of us said much of anything the rest of practice, but that was probably for the best. The uncomfortable conclusion to our conversation pushed me even further away from a talkative mood than I already was.
If nothing else, feeling her presence close to me made me feel less awkward. I may not feel included, but I didn’t feel alone, and that was valuable in its own right.
An hour or so later, the practice began wrapping up. The girls all packed their respective instruments away, save for Pinkie who just left her drum kit in the shed. I almost offered to help Dash load up her amp into her van, but she and Applejack got to it before I had a chance to say anything. When everyone left the shed, I followed close behind, ready to clear out like I’m sure everyone was eager for me to.
All the girls gathered in the space between Rarity’s car and Dash’s van. I didn’t follow, but I could hear as they all shared their schedules for the coming week to plan for the next practice. That wasn’t any of my concern, so I just kept walking. Even if they wanted me to come to the next practice, there was a high chance I’d be working on whatever day they chose anyway.
However, before I could sit down on my bike, I heard my name.
“Sunset!” Applejack called.
“What?” I called back.
No response. I blinked and sighed, groaning under my breath as I made my way back to them.
“What?” I repeated.
As I turned the corner, AJ smiled at me. “What’s yer schedule lookin’ like next week?”
I squinted, my eyes glancing back and forth for a moment. What did that matter? My schedule should be entirely irrelevant to their plans. It’s their band, not mine.
“Why?”
She knit her brow, a smile still on her face. “Well, we were thinkin’ we’ll probably get together ‘round this time next Wednesday. That work for you?”
I pursed my lips. “I mean, I’ve got a closing shift after school that day, but you don’t have to worry about–”
“How ‘bout Thursday?” she interrupted.
If I wasn’t so perplexed as to why she seemed to press me on this, I might have gone off on her. I was really tired of being interrupted, but instead of scowling at her for it, I settled on a frustrated blink.
“I have most Thursdays off, so that works, I guess,” I answered.
“Alright, y’all. We’ll meet back here ‘round five next Thursday. Any last-minute objections?” Applejack inquired. Everyone answered with murmurs of agreement.
“Excellent! I’ll see all of you at school tomorrow.” Rarity parted from the group, Pinkie bounding close behind as they made their way to the front seats of Rarity’s car.
“See y’all then!” Applejack exclaimed as she made her way to the house across the way.
Before everyone else dispersed, I caught a glimpse of Rainbow Dash. It may have been just a split second, but the look of contempt in her eyes was unmistakable—almost exactly the same as the dirty look from earlier, and I could only assume it was for the same reason. That, and I’m sure she was none too happy about the fact that I would be at the next practice.
It took everything in me not to grab her by the shoulders and shout ‘what’s your fucking problem, why are you acting like this,’ before she could escape, but I knew it wasn’t worth it. In time, she would come around. If Fluttershy was willing to take a chance on me, she would eventually too.
And even then, if she didn’t, there was a sick sense of satisfaction in knowing she would have to have to deal with me anyway. For as much as she gave me to deal with, giving back was the least I could do. Maybe that was wrong, but hey, misery loves company.
As I turned to make my exit once more, I was stopped by Fluttershy.
“Thanks for coming again,” Fluttershy said with a smile.
“Yeah,” I replied, immediately turning away and trying to escape again.
“S-See you at school tomorrow,” she said, disappointment in her voice this time.
I clenched my teeth, stopping myself from snapping at her. Then I sighed.
I turned around, giving her an actual smile. “You too. And… thanks for inviting me.”
She seemed to perk up after that. Then we both went our separate ways.
While everyone was getting situated in their cars, I was quick to hop on my bike and turn the ignition. Before anyone else, I was pulling out of the driveway and back onto the road, ready to experience another round of freezing air biting at every part of my body.
I spent the whole ride home lost in thought about so many different things. The whole debacle with Dash when I got there, the brief conversation with Fluttershy, the hour and a half we spent wordlessly standing next to each other. I couldn’t stop my brain from overanalyzing every detail of every single interaction that night, even though there weren’t that many.
It was hard to judge how I felt about the night. It was pretty boring, but aside from when I arrived, everything had gone smoothly. I showed up, I was friendly, and everyone had a good time. Even if everything with Rainbow Dash never happened, things wouldn’t magically improve after tonight. I wanted to believe it was slow progress, but I couldn’t help but think it was a colossal waste of time.
And yet, I knew that wasn’t true. Not only was I invited to the next practice, but they even planned it around my work schedule. I wasn’t even in the band, yet they made an effort to ensure I would be able to come. And this time, I couldn’t say it was just Fluttershy being nice. It was Applejack who asked me what my schedule was. If that wasn’t progress, what was?
It was Rainbow Dash’s attitude that put such a damper on everything. Why did she have to be like that? I mean, I knew why, but why couldn’t she just let it go like everyone else in the group tentatively seemed to be willing to do?
As irritating and unnecessary as many of those thoughts were, they were at least distracting enough to make the ride home feel faster than it actually was. Before I knew it, I was parked behind my apartment complex. It felt good to be home, and when I walked inside, I was determined to leave all those disruptive thoughts at the door.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I checked the time. It was just a little past 9 PM. For a brief moment, I wondered why I felt even more exhausted than usual, almost spontaneously forgetting I’d just spent a few hours sitting around doing nothing. Not that that was too different from how I spent my free time, but it was far more mentally taxing when I wasn’t alone.
Still, even if I was even more tired than average, I didn’t want to go to bed yet. I had to find something to do until I had barely enough energy to keep my eyes open.
For the next several hours, I bounced around different spots in my apartment looking for ways to kill time. First, I played my guitar for about an hour. Watching the girls play their instruments compelled me to noodle around on my own.
As I did, I tried to remember some of the melodies Dash played to see if I could mimic them. Assuming I was correctly remembering how they went, they were relatively easy for me to nail down. My lips curled into a smile as I thought about one day picking up a guitar around her and playing her song better than she could. She’d be absolutely livid, but she’d never say why, because that would mean admitting I’m better than her.
When I eventually became too tired to play anything coherent, I sat at my computer desk and idly browsed the internet. I started sifting through one of the bookmark folders on my browser. It was a folder full of links to music made by independent musicians. Sometimes, I would click around web pages in search of new artists. When I found ones that piqued my interest, I’d put them in a folder to check out later. On nights like this, I’d go through them individually to see which ones I liked.
The first couple were local metal bands. While metal is my favorite genre of music, neither did much to impress me. It wasn’t long before I skipped over them and onto the next artist. Maybe it was just because I was so tired, but none of the artists on the list could hold my attention either. The last band I came across was made up of two guys wearing clown masks. It was hard to pinpoint what genre they were going for, but they were the most interesting band I found that night.
After a while of idly listening to music at my desk, I glanced at the clock on my computer. It was 1 AM. In only six hours, I’d have to wake up for school and start the slog all over again. I still wasn’t ready to go to bed, but I couldn’t stay up forever.
Sighing in resignation, I shut down my computer and made my way up the ladder to my bed. There were many parts of my day I typically hated. School was a depressing chore. Work was either dull or stressful with little in-between. And the rest of my time was usually spent alone with my thoughts until it was bedtime. And while I might have hated school the most out of all of that, trying to sleep was a close second.
Not long after the Fall Formal, sleeping soundly became an impossibly difficult task. The moment my conscious mind faded for the night, I’d have a visitor waiting for me. And every night, that visitor would waste no time turning every part of my dreamscape into a horrifying nightmare.
At least, it was most of the time. The nightmares I had were recurring, and any time it seemed like I was getting used to them, she’d find a way to keep things fresh. Some weeks, I’d wake up screaming multiple times a night. Other times, I’d sleep through the whole night, just to awaken the next morning in a pool of my own sweat, more tired than I was the night before.
No matter what, I still had to sleep. As I plopped down onto my mattress and covered myself, it didn’t take long for my true level of exhaustion to set in. Usually, the act of falling asleep was its own kind of chore. I’d often spend hours ruminating before I actually slipped out of lucidity, but tonight was different. My eyes were fixed on the night sky outside my window until my eyelids grew too heavy to hold open. Moments later, I was out cold.
And as nice as it might have seemed to fall asleep easier than usual, that wasn't a good thing. After all, my visitor was always eagerly waiting on the other side of consciousness.