Applejack was left reeling. She had expected crying, or freezing up, or running away; what she didn’t expect was a lecture on bullies from a filly half her age. Either the girl was incredibly quick witted, or she’d had this conversation before, multiple times. How many ponies had she poured her heart out to only to be shut down and ignored?
The calming tea Fluttershy had given her didn’t seem to be working, Green had given up holding her cup when she’d begun shaking with rage.
“What happened ta ya was wrong,” Applejack consoled, “But that don’t mean ya should rush to judge new ponies. Ah’m not sayin’ ya have ta trust Spoiled, but we should at least give her a chance ta explain herself. Sometimes all it takes fer a pony ta change is ta be told how much their behavior has hurt somepony else.”
Green groaned in frustration.
“She already knows.” The filly insisted. “That’s why she did it. Bullies aren’t like other ponies, they feel the need to exert power over others to prove their self-worth. They enjoy it, it makes them feel good for a while, but no matter how much power they gain, no matter how many ponies they hurt, they will never be satisfied.”
“It sounds like those ponies aren’t very happy.”
“Being unhappy is no excuse for hurting other ponies.” She said, “If I hurt somepony, even by accident, I would feel terrible. Any decent pony would. A selfish pony might not care about others feelings, but bullies are worse. When they hurt somepony they feel good.”
Dayglow had told Applejack that fillies Green’s age might have trouble understanding that ponies could have more than one motivation for their actions.
“Can’t ya think of any other reason why a pony might say something hurtful?” Asked Applejack, “Granny once told me that there’s more fools in this world than there are villains.”
Green rolled her eyes.
“Is Spoiled unable to read social cues? Oblivious to body language? Incapable of understanding how her words might affect other ponies?” Green asked without giving her a chance to answer. “Of course not. Somepony with that type of disability wouldn’t rise to the top of a social hierarchy like a school board. She knew damn well what she was doing and she chose her words deliberately to attack Pip’s insecurities by calling him a runt. She. Is. A. Bully.”
A blast of hot air vented from Green’s nose as she stood up on the couch, the blanket falling from her flank.
Applejack almost groaned in frustration. Why couldn’t she convince Green that Equestia wasn’t some nightmare where any cruelty had to be either silently endured or brutally erased? If she gave up arguing would she be teaching Green that compromise was possible, or just confirming that her worldview was sound? And if she continued to push, would Green be left feeling that nopony would ever take her side?
“Ah’m so sorry Sweetpea,” Applejack sighed, “Ah wanted ta help ya feel better, but Ah’m just making it worse. Ah’m a terrible foster parent.”
Green stopped breathing for a moment as her whole demeanor changed.
“No!” Green said. “No, you’re really good! Please don’t feel bad because of me!”
The pivot from furious lecturing to panicked pleading seemed to come out of nowhere. Green was breathing faster, her pupils were expanding. Applejack knew what to do. Well, at least in theory.
“Sweetpea, Ah’m right here.” Said Applejack, “Ah’m not going anywhere. Yer safe. This will pass. Just do yer breathin’ exercises an’ Ah’ll still be right here when yer done.”
“I’m sorry!” Green sobbed, “I’m sorry, please don’t stop talking to me. I-I shouldn’t have been so aggressive. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad! Please don’t hate me!”
Applejack felt a pang of sympathy but at the same time a slow burning anger for the ponies that made Green this way. The farm pony could remember a time when she’d given Applebloom the silent treatment; she couldn’t remember why, no doubt some trivial thing, but she could remember the tears that had followed as her much younger sister convinced herself over the next half hour that she would be ignored forever.
As Dayglow had explained it, ponies used to live in herds, and being abandoned by your herd was a matter of life and death. Being ignored by the ponies they depended on triggered the most deeply rooted fear that every foal had; that they would be abandoned.
“Ah won’t abandon ya. Ah’m not goin’ ta stop talking to ya.” Applejack hugged the filly closer. “We can stay right here an’ talk about whatever ya like.”
“I’m sorry.” Green repeated. “I know I’m being stupid. I-”
Green trailed off - it seemed like she’d finally run out of things to say.
“Ah don’t think yer stupid.” Said Applejack. “Ya had a problem that was too big fer ya ta carry on yer own and yer asking fer help. That’s a very mature thing ta be doin’”
“That’s not what I mean,” said Green, “I said all those things about bullies and I talked over you, and now you probably think I’m crazy.”
Applejack struggled to think of what to say.
“Ah don’t think yer crazy neither.” She said.
Green had opened up to her in a new way, finally talking about how she had been hurt - so why did Applejack feel like she’d done something wrong?
The situation was backwards. All those days I’d spent laying on the couch with mom, holding her hand while she went through another panic attack - now I was the one being comforted. I was so weak. Instead of sharing my strength with others, I was sapping theirs. There were probably so many other things Applejack would rather be doing, but I was clinging to her, holding her back because I was terrified that when I let her go she’d finally realize I was a waste of her time because I’d never get better.
I felt nauseated as I realized what I was doing, and I shuddered, pulling away from AJ and rolling off the couch. She should give up on me. That way I could finally stop hurting her.
“I’m going to go lie down.” I spoke without looking at Applejack.
I climbed the stairs to my bedroom and shut the door.
Applejack could have gone to see Dayglow, but getting an appointment again so soon didn’t seem likely. Fluttershy was actually still in the house after meeting Applejack for tea but she’d suggested it would be best if Applejack spoke with Green by herself.
“How did it go?” Asked Fluttershy, “I mean, if you don’t mind talking about it.”
“It weren’t quite what Ah expected.” Said Applejack, “She’s - Ah don’t even know. She has an answer for everythin’ but it’s making her miserable.”
“Oh dear.”
“She told me more than she has before, but she’s still holding back.” Said Applejack, “And this whole Spoiled situation. If she really did say those things ta Pipsqueak somethin’ needs ta be said - but Green seems ta think Spoiled is one step away from Sombra.”
“What did she say?” Asked Fluttershy.
“Green says she called Pipsqueak a runt and refused to fix the broken playground.”
Fluttershy visibly tensed at the word ‘runt’.
“How could she say that!”
“It’s horrible,” Applejack agreed, “but Green - well she thinks Spoiled will come after her too.”
“Come after her?”
“She thinks Spoiled is gonna get her taken away unless we ‘destroy’ her first.”
“How would she -” Fluttershy began, “Oh the poor thing, she must be so frightened.”
“What can Ah do?” Asked Applejack, “Ah’m sorry ta ask, but- ya were bullied, right? How did ya move past it?”
Fluttershy took a breath and exhaled deeply, not meeting Applejack’s eyes.
“I didn’t.” Fluttershy’s shoulders slumped. “Not until- well having friends like you girls has helped, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be over it completely.”
“Ah’m so sorry Flutters,” said Applejack, “Ah didn’t think.”
“No, it’s okay,” Said Fluttershy, “I just- I’m not the right pony to ask. I moved into that cabin in Ponyville as soon as I could and hardly even spoke to other ponies for years. Well, except for Rainbow. I feel guilty sometimes that she moved to Ponyville to watch over me but she’s a loyal friend over anything else.”
Applejack remembered what Fluttershy had told her at Green’s party, about how bad the anxiety got. To the point where Rainbow was bringing her food because she would hardly get out of bed.
A lump had formed in Applejack’s throat. “So, Green then, she’s going ta-”
Applejack aborted the sentence.
“Going to end up like me?” Fluttershy asked.
“Ah didn’t say that.” Applejack countered, “It’s just... Ah don’t want her ta have ta go through all that.”
“I hope not,” said Fluttershy, “It sounds like she’s still ready to stand up for herself, at least a little.”
“So what would ya do if you were looking after Green?” Applejack asked.
“I couldn’t.” Said Fluttershy, “I’d ruin her. I’d keep her safe, and we’d stay home drinking tea and helping animals, and I’d never force her to do anything she found scary and, well, she’d end up just like... me.”
Applejack didn’t know what to say, so she embraced Fluttershy in a hug.
Applejack found Twilight in her crystal library and after a short explanation found herself sitting with Twilight in one of the castle’s many sitting rooms. Green may want to go straight to Luna with her problems, but Applejack knew a princess who was closer by, who could hopefully deal with the situation with less overkill.
“Twilight, what do ya know about bullies?” Applejack asked.
“Oh no,” said Twilight, “Is Green being bullied at school?”
“Well, yes, but that’s not really what this is about,” said Applejack, “Ah was having a talk with Green and it sounds like she had a really bad experience with bullies, an’ now - well frankly Ah don’t know how ta talk ta her about it. She’s read some books or somethin’ an’ now she’s got herself convinced that bullies are irredeemable and Ah can’t talk her out of it.”
Twilight’s ears drooped “Oh, that’s... If she was coming to you with it then I’m not sure that’s what she was asking for.”
“What do ya mean?” Asked Applejack.
“I’m not a parent,” said Twilight, “Obviously, but I have read some books about it, and even just as a friendship thing, if a friend is telling you how mean somepony was to them they probably don’t want to be told that they’re overreacting.”
“Ah wasn’t -” Applejack began before sighing, “Ahh shoot. I keep putting my hoof in it, don't ah?”
“You’re doing your best.” Twilight assured, “And I’m sure Green won’t be angry with you forever.”
“She’s not angry with me,” Applejack said, “but - Ah gave her a panic attack Twi. Ah thought Ah could help her feel better by getting her ta open up about her past, but - Ah don’t know what Ah’m doin’.”
“It’s not your fault.” Said Twilight, “You didn’t make her this way.”
“Speaking of which,” said Applejack, “We need ta talk about somepony Green has pegged as a bully; Spoiled Rich.”
I was laying on top of my bed covers, staring at the wall when I heard a knock at my bedroom door. I sighed and turned over. To my surprise, the pony I saw was Fluttershy. My first time seeing her outside the dream realm.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Fluttershy, “I didn’t mean to bother you. I just thought you might like some food, if that’s alright.”
“No!” I said quickly, “I mean yes- I mean- sorry.”
“Would you like a hug?” Asked Fluttershy.
My throat was closing up so I just nodded.
With my eyes squeezed shut to fight back tears I felt the bed move as Fluttershy sat down on the bed and draped a wing over me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.
“About what?” I asked.
“Your bullying.” She replied.
“Applejack told you?” I asked.
Fluttershy nodded, “I just thought, I mean if you don’t mind, well- I was bullied too, when I was a filly, so...”
I took a breath and tried to collect my thoughts.
“Did you ever forgive them?” I asked.
“Forgive them?”
“For what they did to you.” I said.
Fluttershy froze up, and I had my answer. My ears flattened against my head.
“Oh.” I said, “I was hoping you could tell me how.”
Fluttershy hugged me tighter.
My first therapist, back in grade school, told me that holding onto a grudge was like drinking poison expecting your enemy to die. The best way to spite your enemies, she’d said, was to live well. Were it so easy.
If the element of kindness couldn’t forgive her childhood bullies, then what hope did I have?