//------------------------------// // Swallow Your Pride (With Your Hate) // Story: When Two Are One // by Rigoo //------------------------------// She awoke in darkness. The sun had already set. The castle was silent, as was Canterlot. Luna rolled out of her bed, trying to look around. Her heavy eyelids resisted her efforts, begging to stay closed. She forced them open anyway. Their weight was nothing compared to what she felt in her chest. Her eyes pierced the darkness of her room. Familiar walls surrounded her, the same curtains covered the window, the chamber door was shut tight. Her desk held the picture of herself and Celestia, still smiling. You're awake. The voice cut through her hazy mind, its judging tone threatening to give her a headache. Do you remember what you did? Suddenly, things became clearer. The events of the last day rose to the top of her thoughts. The hallway with Twilight, the office with Flash Powder, the courtroom with Celestia. Just thinking about it made her blood boil. “I do,” she grumbled. You were so convinced you could fix everything, weren't you? the voice mocked. You thought it would be easy, that I just wasn't applying myself. Now look at you. You resorted to intimidation to get ponies to listen to you. You embarrassed yourself in court, forcing Celestia to cover for you. And then you threw a temper tantrum, because you realized you were wrong. Her teeth clenched. “I'm not wrong.” Was it not it you who told me about the folly of lying to oneself? She could hear the disappointment in the words. We are not great. We are not special. We do not deserve to be worshiped. We are worthless. “We are not worthless,” Luna insisted. “We are special. I don't care if I'm the only one who believes it. I'm right.” Why do you waste your energy setting yourself up to fail? the voice sighed. This path will only bring us more pain. Eventually it will destroy us. “You're wrong. We will find greatness. I won't stop until we do.” Your narrow thinking is a curse. If we gave up, there might still be hope for us. We could find a path we could actually follow. She almost laughed. “You think that's the solution? After all our struggles, all we've sacrificed, you really think giving up would make us happy?” When one door closes, another opens. The words sunk deep into Luna's mind. They tore a terrible hole though all her thoughts and feelings, leaving her numb. She couldn't think straight anymore. “I want to see the moon,” she said. The moon hung high above Canterlot. It shined bright silver in the dark night sky, inspiring the plants in the castle garden to reciprocate with a pale glow of their own. Luna's heart grew lighter as she looked upon it, but only a little. Her foul mood ran deep. The moon is beautiful, said the voice. It deserves better than us. “It does,” Luna agreed. “It deserves a complete pony who can serve it properly.” It deserves a pony who can adapt to the times. Who can keep pace with the world around them. “A pony with courage and determination, who won't abandon it in its time of need.” A pony who can be warm and welcoming, and knows their way around others. “One who understands themselves and their station, who can act with clarity of purpose.” She paused, the weight of the words sinking in. It was a tall order, being a princess. You had to be truly special, one of a kind, willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. Practically perfect in every way. The moon deserves Celestia, the voice said. Luna's face bent into a smile. A moment later she laughed. It was the completely wrong answer, the total opposite of what she had meant. And yet, Celestia had cared for the moon for a thousand years without issue. “You have a lot of nerve saying that.” Would you deny it? “No, you're right,” she sighed. “She's exactly who we want to be. She always has been.” Luna surveyed the night sky, trying to make sense of her thoughts. Each twinkling star was a reminder of her past, of how far she had come. Some of them were happy, encouraging, inspiring. But many of them were mistakes, errors that had been permanently etched into time that she couldn't escape from. She thought about the dream that had started this mess. She remembered the crying and screaming, the truths and the lies. But the thing that stuck out to her most was the unicorn her other half had invited. “I came here to help Luna feel better, not make her miserable!” Luna was no perfect pony. She thought she had already understood that, but these last few days had been a harsh reminder of just how flawed she really was. There were many things she lacked, but there were also things she had lied to herself about. She had told herself the ponies of Equestria were cruel and conspired against her, but she knew that wasn't true. Almost nopony had cared she existed before yesterday. Those who had were Twilight and Celestia, neither of whom had tried to sabotage her. Even Twilight's friends had been nothing but kind. It was she who had been causing problems. It was her who was unreasonable. She had thought Equestria to be ripe for the taking, but that too was wrong. Equestria had grown up without her, it was no longer a stumbling foal desperate for a shoulder to lean on. It was its own country now, and it cared for itself. Being a Princess of Equestria meant something very different nowadays. It was about guidance and encouragement, not law and order. For all her effort, she was no closer to success now than she ever had been. She was still struggling with the same problem as before: herself. A problem she had always known the answer to, but only now did she understand just how necessary that answer really was. “I need you,” she whispered. What? She stopped. She hadn't meant to say that out loud. “I need you,” she repeated, resigning herself to her fate. “I'm only half a pony on my own. I can't tackle every challenge set before us. I can't face all our nightmares alone.” You need me? it asked. The miserable wretch? The cowardly idiot? The foolish little mare? How dare she! Here she was trying to fix things and this fool had the audacity to bring up more of her mistakes! All she had to do was listen to her! This was exactly why they couldn't get anything done! That was when it hit her. This is where everything always fell apart. The names, the anger, the hatred—it was all wrong. Her other half wasn't going to listen if she acted this way. If she was going to make progress, she had to learn from her mistakes. She had to want to be a better pony. Luna took a deep breath, holding her voice steady. “I am you, as you are me. We are two halves of the same pony. We are not meant to live alone. I have always needed you.” Her mind was silent. She could hardly believe the words had come from her mouth. It was just the truth, the feelings she had always felt deep down. But she had never spoken them like this before. Why? Luna asked, her voice uncertain. Why do you need me? She sighed, slow and long. “I need you so we can talk to sister without it ending in a fight,” she grumbled. “On my own I can't stand her. Whenever I look at her, I see the pony who betrayed us and locked us away on the moon. She stole the ponies of Equestria away from us, just like she stole our role as princess.” She couldn't help but see red whenever that horrible mocking smile came into her vision. So perfect and serene, like she didn't know Luna was suffering. She had the audacity to pretend everything was fine! There was no doubt Celestia knew she wasn't fine! A pony who traps herself in her room for months on end is the farthest thing from well! But all she had done was watch and smile. That's not true! Luna cried. She stopped us from making a terrible mistake! Nopony would have loved us as Nightmare Moon, and the world couldn't have lived in eternal night! Celestia was right to imprison us and save Equestria. Even though it hurt her, she knew she had to do it. That she could still love us after all we've done is a blessing we don't deserve. Nightmare Moon had been a mistake, and it was good that Celestia had stopped her. Equestria would have been much worse off if she hadn't. And, Luna didn't want to admit it, but she could tell Celestia had been hurt by the events. She could still remember who her sister was before her banishment. That was a pony who laughed and smiled not to appease others, but for herself and those she cared about. "I need you so we can rule properly," she continued. "I have the courage, the motivation and the plan, but when the time comes to act things always fall apart. Ponies won't listen to me, they refuse to cooperate. It doesn't matter what I say or how hard I try, their resistance is fierce and unending." You move too fast for your own good, Luna said. You come to conclusions without even stopping to think, blindly rushing from mistake to mistake. Your obsession never stops, and the pain follows closely behind. If you would just slow down and consider your actions, you could save everypony so much trouble. To slow down was to admit to weakness. Stopping to think implied she didn't have the answers to the problems she faced, and that she wasn't worthy of the title of Princess. A true leader was prepared for anything and never hesitated to do what was needed. And yet, Celestia never seemed to be in a hurry, did she? She always appeared to have infinite patience, and had no qualms about stopping to think. Nopony ever criticized her for it. She hadn't even given definitive answers to half the ponies in court, and nopony seemed to mind. That Green Hoof upstart had only gotten a promise to investigate his problem, and he hadn't seemed upset at all. Her words ran dry, and silence lingered in the air. It made her uncomfortable. Maybe it was too late to fix her mistakes. It had been nearly a year since her return from banishment, that was plenty of time to dig a hole too deep to climb out of. It would only be fitting that she had figured out the solution to the problem too late. I saw your dream, you know, Luna finally spoke. “My dream?” The festival in the darkness. The speech before thousands. “Oh...” she found herself blushing. I... didn't think you were capable of something like that. The words came slowly, stumbling and tripping over themselves. I thought you could only care for yourself. All your grand plans seemed designed to sate your own ego. I never thought about how important we could be to others. There was another thing Luna needed from herself. Something shameful and hypocritical to admit. But she knew it was important, and she had already come this far. "I need you so we can be loved," she said. "Love has always been our goal, but there's more to it than just the love of our subjects. I... I don't want to be alone. I don't want our only company to be each other. We need other ponies we can confide in and be close to. Ponies like Twilight Sparkle." She sighed. "I'm no fool. I know I'm not what ponies want in a friend. I'm arrogant and aggressive. I'm always inspiring the worst in others. Twilight knew who I was from the moment I opened our mouth. She refuses to trust me, and she could never love me. But she does love you. You captured her heart by simply being yourself. Your natural charisma is an important strength, and without it I can't imagine how anypony could stand us." If there was one thing she envied of her other half, it was how easily she captured the hearts of others. She had no idea why other ponies were attracted to her weakness and fear, but the fact was that they were. That charm was the most important thing they had, and the fact it was trapped inside a pony who refused to use it was frustrating beyond measure. “I need you. You are my other half, all I lack and long for. So long as we fight, we are doomed to fail. Only together can we succeed.” Do you... really mean all those things? Luna's voice was timid. You really need me? "I haven't been trying to keep it a secret," she groaned. "I've been telling you we're two halves of the same pony. I just... haven't been saying it right." How do I know you're telling the truth? Luna accused her. What if this is just another trick? "You don't know. You have no reason to trust me after what I've done. But I am telling you the truth. I want us to work together, so we can be the pony we were meant to be." Prove it. Give me back control, right now. So aggressive. So demanding. How sweet it would be to just refuse, to keep control forever. But that wouldn't help anypony, would it? She sighed. "Very well." Luna looked around. Fresh air flowed in through her nose, filling her lungs and expanding her chest. Her ears swiveled on her command, honing in on the gentle rustle of leaves in the garden and the faint sounds of Canterlot beyond it. She felt the tickle of grass against her hooves and the soft soil beneath that. The cold night air clung to her coat, making her shiver. She was back, just like that. All she had to do was ask, and the Nightmare had released its control. Luna hadn't expected it to work. She had thought for sure it would refuse, and that their argument would spiral out of control. But it had relented, for reasons Luna couldn't fathom. The moon was still shining in the sky, and she sat upon the grass to watch it. Her breaths came slow and calm, and she savored the feeling of control. What did she do now? Her life was not the same now as when she had left. The Nightmare had only been in control for two days, but it had set things in motion that Luna wasn't sure she could stop. Celestia would expect them to hold court together. There was a holiday being constructed in her name. Twilight Sparkle had less reason to trust her than ever. Could she tell Celestia she didn't want to be part of court anymore? Her sister had seemed so happy when the Nightmare told her it wanted to rule with her. Then again, they had both seen how well that had went. Maybe Celestia would be happy she didn't want to go back to court. The petitioners certainly would be. Luna had no idea what she was supposed to do about the Winter Moon Festival. Nightmare had gotten a lot of ponies involved in planning for it; more than Luna could remember off the top of her head. There was no way she could just run away from all of them—those ponies knew her now. They would come looking for her and make her answer for the Nightmare's promises. Her only hope was Celestia. Hopefully her sister could do something to put a stop to it all. Twilight Sparkle would be the most challenging. Luna couldn't imagine how she would go about earning her forgiveness. She'd be lucky if the Elements of Harmony didn't show up at her door to send her back to the moon. Actually, that would probably be the best outcome. It would save her from dealing with everything else. Luna could already feel a weight forming in her chest. She was way out of her league—this whole plan with Nightmare had gone far worse than she had anticipated. She had expected it would just fail immediately and give up, but instead it had sunk its fangs deep into her life. It would take a long time for all this to blow over, if it ever did. There was only one way she knew to deal with this. She flew up to her balcony and entered her room. She laid on the bed and pulled the covers close, savoring how soft and warm they were. Then, she willed herself to the land of dreams.