//------------------------------//
// Uneasy As Pie 
// Story: Her Bitter Half 
// by Casketbase77 
//------------------------------//





Sourced from Modocrisma on Tumblr




The final bell rang, ending the day's last class.

"Have a super fanta-bulous weekend, everyone! No new homework, but don't forget your Smile Reports due at the end of the month!"

Pinkie Pie unhurriedly pushed her teaching notes (and a plate of plastic-wrapped sugar cookies) into her saddlebag. Students filed past as she made sure to nod eagerly at each "bye Professor Pie" and "have a good weekend." The last one out the door was Ocellus, who paused and looked back over her wingbumps.

"Did I hear that right, Professor Pie? We have a week extension on our monthly Smile Reports?"

"Hm?" Pinkie perked up. "Oh!" She shuffled the remaining papers, just to have something to do with her hooves. "For sure, absolutely. But you know you gotta have at least thirty-seven smiles on 'em now instead of thirty. And hey, I'm super duper sorry for not collecting them first thing in the morning last week. I was, um..."

Distracted, I supplied.

"Distracted!"

Ocellus was still lingering in the doorway. "The school also got attacked by a talking hurricane, Professor Pie."

A giggle. "Oh yeppers, it sure did. That was a Crisis with a capital "C," wasn't it? But it's done and over with now. 'Sides, the School and everyone in it bounced back good as new afterwards."

Ocellus gave Pinkie Pie a look. A very long one. While she did, I curled up to be as small and tasteless as possible. Not that I was any more than a wisp at the moment to begin with.

"If... if you say so, Professor Pie. Take care of yourself. See you Monday." The door shut.

Pinkie Pie waited a moment, then began humming tunelessly. She slung her saddlebag over a bandaged shoulder, shifting to adjust the strap. Then she skipped out of the lecture room and down the rebuilt halls. Skipping was an impressive feat, since her left hind leg was encased in a thick plaster cast. It had been there for about a week, and by now the cast's surface was completely covered with names. From students, coworkers, friends, and even a few random strangers she'd passed on the street and chatted with. A cast was a good conversation starter, and Pinkie always seemed to have a colored pencil available to offer up.

There was only one pony who'd declined to add her name to the jumble: Me.

"Hey Dashie!" Pinkie waved to her coworker locking the door of health class. "Whatcha doin' this weekend?"

"Huh? Oh, 'sup, Pinkie. Sorry, but I got plans. Me and the cheer team have practice."

"Well, that's okay. I could sit in. Sometimes cheerleaders need a cheerleader of their own."

"Don't I know it. I tell ya, a lot of the students are still pretty shaken up by the attack last week. Teachers too. It's why I'm staying overtime to work on new cheers with the girls. The school needs good vibes from anywhere they can get ‘em right now."

Even if you have to fake those vibes yourself.

That comment never made it out of our mouth. I gripped it tightly in place while Pinkie stayed busy nodding.

"Oh hey," Dash continued. "I almost forgot that Starlight Glimmer passed by looking for you earlier. I think she's been looking for you ever since you got back. Have you been avoi-?"

"KaySeeYouLaterAtCheerPracticeDashBye!"

Pinkie bounded away. Soon she was heading down the front steps of the school.

"Hi, construction crew! Hope you're not working yourselves too hard in this heat!"

The sun shone down on Pinkie waving to a trio of roofers still bolting beams and hammering shingles on top of the school. They waved back and she scampered to the base of an unused ladder, saddlebag swinging open.

"I brought you boys some thank you gifts for working so fast to fix stuff: sugar cookies from Sugarcube Corner!"

The workponies rumbled with sweaty gratitude, and one of them used his magic to levitate Pinkie's presented paper plate.

"I frosted them red, yellow, and green," she called. "Cuz those are stoplight colors, which always remind me of construction! The red ones are for Sander, the yellow are for Pierce, and the green cookies are for... um..."

I tilted Pinkie's eyes to her cast.

"...Rivet!"

His name was scrawled near the base. Right next to the names of his coworkers.

Since last week, I'd been putting in more effort to pay attention instead of zone out. While working to keep up with daily life, I'd found Pinkie to be every bit as scatterbrained and forgetful as I am. Which really isn't surprising, since we share the same attention span. I'd gotten careful to only use our sense of awareness when she wasn't touching it. Which, to be fair, was pretty often.

The construction ponies were all munching away. Satisfied, Pinkie balled up the spare plastic wrap, tucking it away in her bag. Can't let good snack packaging go to waste, after all. Job done, she hopped her way down the rest of the front steps, pausing at the spot where cement gave way to grass. 

Other ponies trotted past. Some students, others teachers. Most said hi, and Pinkie made sure to do her signature smile nod at each of them. She breathed deep and rolled her shoulders. It was officially the weekend.

Not a cloud blotted the sky, magically evil or otherwise. The only running water was the trickle of fountains in the decorative pond, where a family of ducks were sunning themselves. Seeing them bob in the water made a sort of warm, peaceful feeling wrap around a pony's stomach. Maybe there was some way to turn a bird-watching into a class assignment. To this day, passing out worksheets still didn't mesh with the Pinkie Pie style. Then again, it'd be hard to grade a whole class's goodness or badness at feeling calm while looking at animals. And even if it was, that style wasn't really the Pinkie Pie style either. More like the Fluttershy one.

Pinkie shaded her eyes and squinted. Didn't there used to be more shade here? In fact, didn't there used to be a tree right here? Like right next to where she was standing?

The leg in the cast throbbed. So bad that even I felt it.

Pinkie shook the ache away and trotted gingerly across the lawn. No duckwatching assignment for next Monday. No, instead there'd be a treeplanting one. Students would pick a partner, (dirty jobs were always easier with a buddy at your side), get given a sapling, and then find somewhere on the school grounds that looked like it needed a new baby tree. Pinkie had high hopes somepony would pick the spot near the duck pond. I did too, which was weird. Until last week, I'd never really had high hopes for anything.

Up behind, the front doors of the school eased open to let out a late staffer. The Pinkie Sense knew who it was without even turning around.

"Pinkie Pie? Hey, Pinkie! Wait up a second!"

Three good legs was enough to skip on, that much was proven. But it they weren't enough to run away on. Especially since Starlight Glimmer was a quickdraw with her teleports.

"Hey," she panted, wiping some stray sparkles off her horn. At least, I think that's what she was doing. It was hard to tell, since Pinkie was avoiding eye contact.

"Hiya, Starlight." Her voice was also quieter than than normal. Kinda like my voice, which I wasn't a fan of one bit. I drew myself up, ready in case Pinkie needed me. "How're you doing?"

"Me?" Starlight looked surprised. "I'm... fine. Better now than I was when Dash dug me out from under those dented lockers, that's for sure. I... I know we were laid up in different wards of the hospital, and even though I got sent home before you did, I've been hung up with all the administrative and legal and public rela..." Starlight sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm blathering. What I wanted to ask... what's been on my mind ever since I woke up in the trauma ward, is... how are you doing?"

Pinkie beamed brightly. "I'm super duper! My ribs are setting straighter than birthday candles in a box, and look at all the names I have on my leg cast!" She pirouetted while producing a colored pencil from her saddlebag. "Wanna add yours to the mix?"

Starlight graciously accepted the pencil. "Sure, if you'll have my messy hornwriting." Halfway into her first initial, she looked up. "But when I asked 'how are you doing,' you know I didn't mean your leg."

It occurred to Pinkie, way too late, that she was trapped in place until Starlight's signature was finished. She bit her tongue and glanced around.

"There's nopony else here," Starlight assured. She'd moved on from the 's' to the 't' now. "Nopony except those roofers. And they look busy."

"I gave them cookies," Pinkie commented, hoping that Starlight would say something in response to that. But when Starlight didn't do anything except slowly move on to the letter 'a', Pinkie sighed and bobbed her anxious head. "Man, Sombra sure popped up outta nowhere last week didn't he? I know big entrances are his shtick and all, but man oh man was that one wild. When he pulled apart the school like a dollhouse, he couldn't have had worse timing. Or better timing, depending on the pony you ask."

Starlight's pencil stopped moving. "Oh?" she nudged. "And who exactly would this pony be that says he had good timing?"

Pinkie shivered despite the pleasant sun.

"Ya know, I was able to see and hear the whole time he had me bottled up. And I tried really hard to bust out a few times. Like, super duper hard, but it didn't do anything except cause a nosebleed." Pinkie laughed heartily. "It was pretty embarrassing! But not as embarrassing as Sombra was towards the end there. I mean, what are the odds that the one pony he picked to lock in a box just so happened to have a backup brain primed and ready to go? Well, okay, I guess I know the odds. One outta six. But still! He rolled a die and it came up on the only number that could bite him in the butt."

Starlight Glimmer had finished her first name and moved on to writing her second. "From what I heard," she said gently, "Your backup brain did a lot more than just bite. And she was sobbing the whole time she did it."

My better half was chewing her lip desperately. Not a single jovial quip or bouncy comment was steering the conversation away from the uncomfortable subject of me. Her worry was my worry, and I was about to reach for the controls when Starlight kept going.

"I also heard that Sombra was acting differently than most ponies would have expected . They say he was louder. Hammier. More talkative and less snarl-y."

Pinkie jumped on the tangential topic. "Y-yeah, he was like that the time before too. When he smashed the Tree of Harmony."

Starlight had finished writing her name, but by now there was no running away from this talk. She extended the pencil.

"Uh-huh. It does seem that he made a change in attitude awhile back. Maybe that newfound gumption is what helps him bounce back from being beaten down so often. It's insane how much someone can change their personality and still stay the same pony. Or maybe..." she wagged the pencil pleadingly "maybe its reassuring? You know, depending on the pony you ask?"

Pinkie's armpits sweating. Bad. Starlight really wasn't going to let my meltdown from last week just blow over and be forgotten. Even though Pinkie and I really really wanted her to.

The doors to the school were thrown opened again, making all of two-and-a-half of us jump. But it was just Gallus loping out. Starlight frowned in frustration while he padded down the stairs, head hanging low. Pinkie however, did something even I didn't expect. She drew herself up and put on a brave face that wasn't a mask.

"Hey Starlight, can you do me a flavor?"

"Erm, you mean favor?"

"That too." Pinkie accepted the colored pencil back and tucked it behind her ear. It was the spot where serious ponies stored their pencils, after all.

"Do me a friendly-flavored favor and have a looksee while I make something happen."

Pinkie was shoulder to shoulder with Gallus before he'd reached the lawn. I guess I was wrong about earlier; maybe three-legged Pinkie really could move quick when she wanted to. The downcast vibes coming off Gallus were certainly a motivator.

"Heya, grumpy frumpy feathers. It's Friday. What's got you down?"

"Hm?" Gallus looked up. "Professor Pie? What are you doing still around?"

"Somepony shined the Pie signal in the sky, so I swooped over lickety-split to see what student needed my help."

That one got a half-smile out the school's bluest bird.

"Okay then, Professor Pie. Whatever you say. Its nice to see you too. Counselor Lulamoon's office was dark when I checked it, so I was just heading back to my dorm."

Pinkie draped an understanding forelimb over Gallus. "That's sad to hear, kiddo. I know how much you look forward to unwinding with her at the end of rough weeks."

By Faust, I wish I knew how Starlight was taking in all of this. But we were faced away from her, and I wasn't exactly able to make a glance back.

"I guess Trixie just got tired and went home for the day," Gallus remarked.

"Oh for sure, for sure," Pinkie agreed. "The school only has one counselor, and I bet this past week has her swamped in students that need counseled. Like, mask and snorkel levels of swamped."

Gallus chuckled at the mental image.

"Like, mask and snorkel and scuba tank levels of swamped. Mask and snorkel and scuba tank and big goofy marsh boat with a fan on top levels of-"

"Alright, alright!" Gallus playfully shrugged Pinkie off of him. "I hear ya. Everypony has their limits, even teachers. Ya know, school is out for the weekend. If you're trying to spring a Friendship Lesson on me, could it at least wait til Monday?"

Pinkie held up her hooves and smiled coyly. "No lesson here. Pinkie promise. 'Specially since it sounds like you're a big-brained birdie who already knows what I would say."

"That nopony can be at the top of their game all the time, right? That even helper ponies need to take some time to themselves to recharge?"

"You're so wise, Gallus. Sure you're not part owl?"

Laughter was shared now. Strong enough to even make Pinkie Pie's Cutie Mark radiate with inner magic.

Gallus ran a talon through his headfeathers, trying to reclaim his cool. "I'm glad you were around today, Professor Pie."

"D'aww, I'm glad I was around today too. I alway-" Pinkie's voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "I pretty much always am. So come see me again the next time Trixie is out but you still need a boost, okay?"

"Trixie is almost never out. Today is a one-in-a-million thing."

"Still. You know where to find me."

Gallus waved her off and headed for the dorms. He still had his saggy-shouldered lope, but his head was a little higher. Pinkie waved back. And she kept waving until he was inside and out of sight.

For a moment, the mood lingered. Then Starlight stepped out from the other side of the fountain in the duck pond.

"I see," she commented.

"Mm-hm."

"What you did for Gallus just now, what you said to him... that was something Pinkamena never could have done."

"Mm-hm."

Was it though? Really and truly, was Pinkie the only one between us who could comfort another creature instead of clobber them?

If you'd asked me that last week, I would have called the question stupid. But now, after I'd fed Pound Cake, after I'd told a sad class that the pep rally wasn't canceled, after Starlight put her hoof out to me and I was torn away to go right back to being the raging roaring monster mare I'd always resigned myself to be... after all of that, I wasn't so sure. Was I still just a Nirik? The lack of certainty scared me.

"The way things go, Starlight," Pinkie was saying, "is that when other creatures have a Crisis with a capital "C", I want to be there for 'em. Especially when they don't have anypony else. Meanwhile, whenever have my own Crisis with a capital "C," I'm ayy okay because… because I have someone there for me too. Even when I have nopony else, I have her. And that's enough."

Starlight nodded. "Okay, I understand. Sorry that I cornered you like this. I just thought that maybe Mena was more than just... well, I guess it doesn't matter what I thought. You've probably noticed by now that I'm keeping your secret quiet."

"You sure are, teamie." Pinkie draped a foreleg over Starlight, though she was a lot less relaxed then when she'd done the same to Gallus. "Thank... thank you for that. Thank you from both of us."

Starlight peered deep into Pinkie's eyes, but I could tell what she really wanted do was look past them. She wanted to see Pinkamena, to see me, to see the pony she'd hugged and comforted and promised to help but never got the chance. She wanted to be absolutely sure, before she let me go, that I wasn't still aching for connection.

I was, of course. I was aching desperately. But like a coward, I shrank away from her. I pulled back, far back, as far as I could into Pinkie's mind until I was pressed up against the back of it. But no matter how small I shrank, how distant I got from Pinkie and Starlight's ongoing talk, I couldn't escape my feelings.

Last week had changed me. I did  want her friendship, even though my rampage against Sombra made a pretty stong case against me deserving it. Mashed back in the dark corner of our head like this, I'd left Pinkie's eyes and ears. I didn’t know what goodbyes were said to Starlight or how long they took. I do know that she and Starlight must have gone their separate ways eventually, because the next time I poked back out, Pinkie was at Sugarcube Corner, brushing our - her - teeth and getting ready for bed. With nothing else to do, I settled down into my mental box, easing away from alertness, letting it slip through my hooves like sooty rain on a miserable day.

Mena's Undercover Adventure had ended not with a spiritual awakening, but with a big dumb monster fight and lots of yelling. I had been stupid and greedy to expect anything different.

And while drifting off to dreamland, it turns out I was still partially stupid. Because something else I expected was for Starlight to let sleeping ponies lie.





Night.

With night came sleep, and with sleep came dreams. Dreams for Pinkie Pie, anyway.

Tonight's was a happy one: a reliving of her first birthday after the Rainboom happened. As memory dreams tend to go, only some of the details were correct. The number of streamers, the color of the tablecloth, and the assured smiles of mom, dad, and Marble while everypony sang the birthday song. That was stuff that was actually there, that stuff actually happened. But other details were add-ons to how the real party had went. First off, Gummy was a gift for the birthday after this one, not a gift she got right now. And secondly, I hadn't been there as a guest. Especially not in my own chair, across the table and completely separate from Pinkie.

This dream was soupier than most, with the cake's candle number changing every time I looked at it. Still not as surreal as the moments where I was eating ice cream in a party hat while Pinkie laughed from across the room, thwacking a pinata with her favorite stick. I ended up having to peel my attention away from this dream. Right about the time Limestone passed by the fake filly that looked like me, stole a bite of cake, and prompted a playful wrestling match like she and I used to have back in the pre-Rainboom days.

Watching this wasn't fun anymore. Especially after Limestone's colors smeared to be purplish with light green mane streaks. There wasn't really a way to leave a dream that was happening in the head I occupied, but I could still move as far away as possible. I could turn my back to the action and stare at a metaphorical blank wall instead. I opted to do that, even though the foggy form of Starlight Glimmer was still fresh in my mind's eye. In fact, her features were getting sharper and sharper until at once, Starlight solidified in front of me, splayed on the illusory floor in an embarrassed heap.

"Oof!" Her voice was close but crackly. Like it was coming through a phonograph. "Not... not too skilled at wielding dream magic," she managed. "Luna wasn't kidding when she said the minds of other ponies are slippery. Am I com... coming through okay?"

Too stunned to answer, I nodded. Then I realized I didn't have a body to nod with, so I piped up.

"I hear you. Starlight. You... You're here. Right? Its actually you?"

"Gah!" Starlight winced and her form fuzzied up for a moment. "You're loud," she commented. "But by Celestia, you're also absolutely adorable!"

"I am?"

As sometimes happens in dreams, I got a third-person glimpse of what I looked like: Short legs, straight mane, and a lopsided party hat still on my head. My shape was the impossible guest filly from Pinkie's dream.

"Ew!"

I shook like a wet dog, dispelling my details, but they slowly drifted back to me like dust settling on a stomped rug. Starlight giggled at my frustration and moved to the other side of me. As much as moving meant in this dark, private corner of Pinkie's mind. Far behind, like a star in space, Pinkies dream was still going. It didn't have the guest filly in it anymore.

"So is this... the true you? The um... shape of your soul, I suppose I'd call it?"

"W-well what if it is?" Because Starlight's shape was taller, she got to loom over me as we talked. I didn't like that, so I focused hard and made our eyes level. From up here, I could see Starlight's shape looking sorry.

"I guess... it just makes a strange level of sense, is all. You said you were young when you, uh, became Pinkie. So I guess the realest version of you would look the same as right before that moment. Right?"

"I... I..." Too much was happening all at once, and I shook my tiny head to clear it. "Starlight, why are you even here? I thought my better half told you to leave her... I mean me... Ugh. I thought she told you to leave us alone."

Starlight was taken aback. "Pinkie? Tell somepony to leave her alone? Of course she didn't say that. Don't you know her at all?"

I struggled to recall the end of the talk between Starlight and Pinkie. Then I realized I'd retreated and missed out on it. Not wanting to admit my fault, I searched for something else to say.

"Nice hair, Starlight. Looks like I'm not the only one whose shape is stuck in the past."

"Oh. You noticed these, huh?" Starlight ran a hoof through her mane's prominent bangs. "Like I said, I'm still ironing out the creases in my dream magic. This is the manestyle I had for most of my life, so... well... I guess its stuck in my self image like gum on a horsehoe. What was it you said when we were in the rain, Mena? That I tote my emotional baggage better than some other ponies do?"

"Um... sure," I relented, trying to paw nervously at the ground. When I found there was no ground to paw at, I settled for folding my hooves across my chest. "How come you keep calling me Mena?"

"Be... because that's your name." Starlight tilted her head in polite confusion. "Isn't it? There's Pinkie and there's Mena. Together you're Pinkamena. Two slices of a full Pie."

These aren't real tears, I reminded myself. You're not a real pony and you're not crying real tears right now.

Except I was. And the tears were real. As real as my tiny sniffling nose, here in the void. Starlight must have noticed, because she was picking me up and drying my eyes. I'm not ashamed to admit I clung to her like the foal I was, small and cradled in this endless dark.

Starlight waited until my shuddering stopped.

"I have something for you, Mena."

I crinkled my skeptical eyebrows, but also held out my hooves.

"Close your eyes, birthday girl. This one is a surprise."

I growled, but did as I was told. In this void, there wasn't much difference between opened eyes and closed ones. Really, it was just a difference of being able to see Starlight or not. I felt her embrace fall away, replaced by a warm weight in my grip.

"Okay, you can look now."

I was a full-sized adult again, but that wasn't the gift. Starlight's bangs were gone and replaced by her real-life coiffure, but that wasn't the gift either.

The gift was a thermos of coffee in my trembling hooves.

"Pinkie said you never got a taste last week because I drank it all," Starlight confessed. "I know its not real, but I put a lot of dream magic into forming it, so I hope you at least apprecia-"

I was already fumbling to twist the cap off. But once it was free, I hesitated.

"Is... something wrong, Mena?"

"N-no... nothing like that. It's just... Do you think you can create one more thing for me?"

Starlight's horn grew more solid as the rest of her went fuzzy. "I can try."

"It's small. It's... a value brand Salt Lick lozenge."

"Blegh!" Starlight's noise made me flinch, and I briefly flickerer from adult to filly and back again.

"Too much?"

"Huh? Oh! No, I can get... hang on, one thing at a time..." Starlight's shape blurred as she redirected her effort. Then all at once she snapped back into focus. This time with an unwrapped lozenge in her hoof. "Here you go: One imaginary piece of the cheapest, least tasty candy in all of Equestria."

I nodded knowingly, then popped it in my mouth to savor its salty tang.

"How is it?"

"I can understand why this is the one candy Pinkie doesn't like. Because I absolutely love it."

Starlight bowed like a flattered chef as I washed my treat down with coffee. The meal was bitter, scalding, and enough to make a regular pony like Pinkie gag.

But it was my meal. And that made it wonderful.

"It's almost morning," Starlight announced. "When I laid down tonight, I was thinking about what Pinkie said today. Something about a capital "C" and how you're always there for her. I was thinking... maybe I could be the pony who is there for you, Mena. Or at least, once per week for dream visits. What do you think? Want to try this out and see where it goes?"

I smiled. Not a hideous grimace-grin, but a real warm smile. "What, you mean like Gallus and Trixie?"

"Maybe. Trixie's current job was my old one, after all."

I drummed my hoof on the empty thermos. "I still don't understand why you think I'm worth helping."

"I said the exact same thing to Twilight Sparkle once." 

The void shuddered and phonograph Starlight glitched like her record skipped. "Hm. Sounds like Pinkie's waking up."

I rubbed my neck. "Pinkie... me and her, we... I keep so far out of her way, we haven't sat down and straight talked to each other in really a long time."

"You can always start. Tomorrow is a new day."

"Bucking hell, you really are the boss of the School of Friendship, aren't you?"

Starlight Glimmer tossed her mane playfully and mouthed something, but I didn't hear what it was. Instead I heard blankets rustling and somepony yawning. I saw sunlight coming through the window shutters and smelled Ponish Muffins being cooked downstairs.

"G... good morning, Pinkie," I rasped.

"Hiya, bestie. Good to hear from you. Didja get your coffee I ordered last night?"

"Y-yeah."

"Super, cuz we're gonna need all our energy to help out at Dash's cheer practice today."

Hooves hit the floor and stood tall. Even the one in the cast.

"Okey-doki-loki, let's get a move on. And maybe grab extra pulpy orange juice at breakfast today. Need to wash the taste of salt lick lozenge from our mouth. Yuck."

We moved. Not just Pinkie, and not just Mena. Both of us. The bedroom door opened, the bedroom door shut, and Pinkamena Diane Pie picked up her synchronized pace.

I felt… hopeful.