It’s raining tonight. Most times I don’t really think much about the weather, it’s just something that happens, rain I guess. I got the window open tonight just listening out, and maybe I find it a bit peaceful. It helps me not think about stuff. I can just shut my brain off and let the sound of the pattering water take over.
Windy and Bow were talking an hour ago, arguing as they always do. They were on the phone with someone, and I wonder if it’s Blaze. I wonder if they’re telling him absolutely everything despite it not being his business. I wonder if he’s going to make another surprise visit just to see if I’m still dating Mac.
I hate it. I hate them. I hate everyone.
I hate myself too, and I hate the fact that I’m having a baby. My hand is on my belly. It doesn’t hurt like before, my legs aren’t shaking, but I can feel this heat there. Ms. Luna mentioned how small a fetus is at the start of a pregnancy. If they're as small as a bean they’ll probably not feel anything if their life ends. I just want them out of me since it’s all their fault. My life wasn’t this bad before. I was a star athlete. I was amazing. Bow and Windy won’t allow me to end it, though, and Ponyville doesn’t have those special kinda clinics. If you get a baby you're just stuck with it until it comes out.
I roll over on my stomach. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and something. I haven’t thought about a name—
“Dashie? Are you asleep?” There’s a soft knock on my doorframe. I don’t have to turn around to know it’s Windy. She comes in despite me not saying anything. I don’t get to have a lick of privacy in this prison, so I was expecting it. She approaches my bed, lifts my covers, and climbs in next to me. “How are you feeling?” Her legs are cold. She wraps around me and pulls me against her chest. “Today was scary, wasn’t it?”
There’s this sadness in her voice and I don’t know why. If today was so scary she wouldn’t try to murder Mac with a fucking tire iron. Bow wouldn’t try to choke him to death. I push away from her and she only holds me closer.
“What do you know?” I grumble.
“I don’t know much,” she admits, and I’m glad she’s finally seeing how useless she is. “But you can let me know. You can tell me.”
I can’t. I can’t because if it was already in her stupid face, and she didn’t see it, then what can I do? What could I possibly do? And I know what she’s referring to, and I know she wants me to just cooperate, but I can’t. I won’t.
The questions begin. “Where did you go today?”
“School.” I lie.
“Rainbow Dash.” She’s squeezing me now, and I just let her. “How long have you been seeing that grown man? Is he responsible for this?”
This? Like the baby? “No.” And I don’t want to tell her that it’s only been a month with Mac because it’s not her business.
“He fixed your haircut?” She’s running her hands against the fuzzy top. “He did a good job.”
“His cousin did it in his living room.” I bite my tongue after revealing that. I don’t want to tell her more. I don’t want to tell her how Braeburn made me feel, how he touched me, or about the thing I found in his bathroom.
“Cousin? Is he also an adult?” Obviously. Does she think another stupid teenager could ever get away with doing a decent job at cutting hair? So I let my silence be my answer, and I think she understands, and I think she gets it. “Did his cousin also force himself on you?” And that question comes so out of left field that it gets me trying to pull away from her again. Windy is stronger than she looks, though. “Rainbow, stop!” She thinks yelling at me will ever get me to behave, but that’s not how this works. I won’t. I refuse to. “Rainbow—“
“Just get outta here! I don’t wanna talk to you!” I scream at her right back, and now I’m getting all in my head, and now I’m thinking about AJ and the picture in that bathroom. But Mac isn’t like that and he didn’t do that to me, and he wouldn’t, and I swear it. We haven’t even kissed, not on the lips.
Windy is crying, and now I am too. “Oh, Dashie. Just talk to me, please.” She’s begging at this point. “Someone hurt you and I know it, so you tell me if it was him.”
“No!” I scream just so she can get this dumb idea out of her head.
“Then who?” She sucks in a breath. I can feel her snot on my haircut and I’m still trying to get free. “Was it daddy?” She’s whispering now.
I could puke. “No! Of course not!” Bow was an annoying crazy bastard, but he wasn’t some perv.
“Then tell me who!”
My head is spinning, my legs feel funny, and I’m just back in Cloudsdale mentally. I’m running. I’m running as fast as my legs would allow me, and the wind is passing through my hair and I swear I feel on top of the world. I’m back in Cloudsdale, mentally, I’m back there and I’m not okay. I don’t feel as free like I should on the track. I don’t feel like the fastest thing alive, but like a rabbit who’s running for its pathetic life, and I don’t want that. I don’t want it. I told him I didn’t want it. I told him so many times.
“I can’t.” I’m sobbing more than Windy. I don’t even feel her hugging me anymore, now I’m just in my head. Now I’m just stuck in a town I hate, in a body I hate, with a man I hate so much. “I can’t.”
It was right in front of her face. Why couldn’t she see it? Why couldn’t she do something?