//------------------------------//
// Entropy Zero 2: First Day on the Job 
// Story: Comedic Burst of Funniness 
// by Lunatic God 
//------------------------------//

3650 and the senior guard buddy he had been assigned prepared for the human’s first patrol of the city. As the guard adjusted his helmet over his blue mane, he noticed 3650 kneeled down and rummaging around in his footlocker at the base of his bunk. Curious, the guard's yellow eyes silently looked over. 

3650 pulled out a small rectangular case by the handle, placed it on his bed, unlocked it, and pulled out something in his right hand that the stallion didn’t recognize. 

“What’s that?” The guard asked, making sure the straps of his body armor weren't chafing his white fur. 

“It’s a surprise tool that will help us later,” 3650 told him in a low voice, flicking the device left and making the cylinder in the middle swing out. 

“What’s the name of this surprise tool?” the guard asked, grabbing his spear in his left foreleg and softly planting it on the floor. 

“Don’t you know how surprises work?” 3650 scoffed, pulling a small and yellow cylinder from the case, sliding it into a slot in the cylinder, and rotating the cylinder slightly. 

“Of course I do,” The pony responded. 

“Then you should know that I can’t tell you.” 3650 put five more into the cylinder, flicked it the other way to put it back into place with a click, and spun the cylinder with multiple clicks. 

“Then can you at least tell me if it’s a weapon?” The guard asked, leaning slightly on his spear. 

“Oh, it’s a weapon, alright,” 3650 answered as he placed it against his right waist, which is where it stayed as he let go. 

“Then maybe you should tell me what it is before I report that you have unauthorized weaponry,” the stallion threatened, watching the man close the case with a click and put it back in the footlocker. 

“To which one?” 3650 asked, standing and facing the equine. 

“Which one do you think?” the pony deadpanned. 

“If it’s the blue one, then don’t bother,” 3650 told him, crossing his arms. “In fact, don’t bother with either.” 

“Why not?” the stallion asked, standing up straight. 3650 approached him, squatting down so that they were face to face. 

“None of your beeswax,” 3650 replied, booping the pony on the nose, to which he remained stone-faced. 

“A fighter, huh?” 3650 questioned, smirking under his helmet. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the stallion responded genuinely. 

“Don’t you worry, i’ll get your leg kickin’ in time,” 3650 continued. 

“Why would I worry?” the stallion asked, confused. 

“Every quadruped loves a good petting, and I intend to find your sweet spot,” 3650 said regardless of the pony’s answers, pointing at him. 

“Sweet spot? For what?” the stallion asked, now starting to get frustrated. 

“For this!” 3650 exclaimed before suddenly beginning to scratch below the equine’s chin. Said equine remained as stone faced as before. 

“Or this! And maybe even this!” he stated, moving his hand to scratch the pony’s cheek, then reaching to scratch behind his ears. 

The unwavering stallion merely stared. 

“Hmm,” 3650 hummed, stroking his own chin. “So it’s not on your head…” 

“Let’s get a move on,” the pony told 3650, turning and rolling his eyes as he turned the doorknob with a hoof and opened it. 

“Hey, wait up!” 3650 exclaimed, exiting the room and shutting the door before hurriedly scrambling after the stallion who had briskly trotted off. 




 


3650 walked down the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets, gazing around at the unfamiliar surroundings and peering down alleyways as he followed the marching royal guard. 

“Hey, what’s your name again?” 3650 asked. 

“Lieutenant Stone.” 

“Who woulda guessed?” 3650 commented. Moments later, a carriage stopped beside the sidewalk between 3650 and his buddy. 

Not hearing the thudding footsteps of his partner, Lieutenant Stone stopped and turned. 3650 held up a finger, watching a fabulous white mare hop from the carriage. 

“Thank you, fine gentlecolts,” she called behind her in a posh accent as she trotted straight towards the door of what looked like a clothing store. “Come come, Spike! We must not dilly-dally!” 

“Right behind ya, Rarity!” a male voice responded, before a toddler sized purple and green dragon lookin’ thing hopped from the carriage with a stack of three large boxes in his claws, but whiffed the landing and stumbled with a gasp, but before he could fall, 3650 quickly stepped in and grabbed the boxes, holding keeping spike from his fall with a boot. 

“Oof!” Spike regained his footing as 3650’s foot returned to the ground. “Thanks- woah,” Spike started, eyes widening as he stared at the large red eye peeking around the boxes. 

“Need some help, bud?” 3650 asked. Spike stared for a moment, before closing his mouth with a clack. 

“Sure,” the mini-dragon responded. With that, 3650 followed the posh pony. 

“Be quick, 3650,” Stone ordered, having turned to watch the scene unfold. 

“Bah! As if I'd listen to a pony who doesn’t like scritches,” 3650 shot back, entering the building. 

“Just because I don’t react doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it,” Stone informed the human. 

“Aha!” 3650 exclaimed, sticking his head back out and looking at Stone. “I knew you liked it!” 

“I never said I didn’t.” 

“You didn’t say you liked it either.” 

“You never asked.” Stone scooted to the wall and sat down, resting his spear on the ground vertically. 

“Where’s your sweet spot?” 3650 asked quickly. 

“I’m not telling.” Stone turned to face the street. 

“Willing to bet ten bits on that?” 

“You don’t have ten bits.” Stone looked back, momentarily pointing an accusing hoof. 

“I don’t need ten bits! I’m a winner!” 

“...Tonight. The barracks. If you don’t find it by lights out, you owe me ten bits.” 

“I’ll search your every nook and cranny for that special spot!” 

“But not my stallion bits, of course.” 

“Who’s to say you don’t start purring at dick scratches?” 

“You touch my dick, I'm bucking you.” 

“Woah! You're cute and all, but I'm not gay!” 3650 went back into the Boutique. 

“Not like that!" Stone yelled, his cheeks ever so slightly tinted red. 

“Whatever you say!" 3650 ducked back into the Boutique. “But if you decide to come out, I'm here for yo-” the rest of his sentence was cut off by the door shutting. 

“I'm not gay,” Stone grumbled, turning back to the street. 




 


“How goes the patrols?” Princess Celestia asked Lieutenant Stone and his human buddy over her office desk covered in paperwork, peering at them through glasses. 

“Horrible," 3650 stated, crossing his arms. “I didn't even get to use my gun." 

“Is that what you call it?" Stone asked with a raised brow, looking at the human. 

“Technically, it's a double action revolver chambered in three fifty-seven, but it's easier to call it a gun.” 

Stone rolled his eyes, looking back at the princess. 

“All that happened was he saved some little kid from falling and dropping his boxes, which were far too big for him to safely carry, might I add.” 

“Do not worry, my little pony," Celestia reassured with a smile. “Spike is excellent at carrying tall, unstable stacks.” 

“Is that his job or something?” 3650 chimed in. 

“Basically, yes," Celestia confirmed. “That, and his ability to send me letters via breathing fire on them.” 

“Sounds like a big job for such a little guy, sending letters to the ruler of the entire country.” 

“Oh, he just transcribes my students' words and sends them along to me, that's all." 

“He must be gettin’ paid then.” 

Celestia did not answer. 

“... Wait, am I even getting paid?" 

“That'll be all, gentlemen," Celestia stated, sending Stone into a deep bow. 

“Of course, Princess." 

“I better be getting paid. I don’t work for free!” He pointed at her. 

“You are in no position to demand things of me,” Celestia replied easily. 

“Fair enough.” 3650 gave a curt bow. “Those glasses look cute on you, by the way.” 

“I’m glad you think so.” Her smile brightened slightly as 3650 turned and left the room with Stone, closing the door behind him. 

“Finally somepony noticed,” she said with a soft giggle, brushing her mane back.