The Last Nightguard
Shot and Chaser
“All guardsmembers are expected to remain current with all immunizations and booster shots as per Schedule D, subsection 14.”
—Handbook of the Royal Guard, Volume One
“Thou shalt taste my wrath!”
Things at the doctor’s office this evening had been going so well, despite Ebon Tide’s discomfort. Until now.
“Traitor! Abandoning thy princess in our hour of need!”
Of course Eb had not anticipated ‘shots’ involving actual steel needles jammed into one's posterior. Out of a misguided attempt at privacy, the painfully serious doctor had taken Eb first into another room for his series of inoculations, all lined up in rows of tiny glass bottles with corresponding steel needles.
“Fiends! There will be blood! Blood, I tell you!”
It had been a success he could have lived without. Eb’s entire flank was one giant painful ache that throbbed with every heartbeat. He could not stand without his leg stiffening up, and there was no place in the doctor’s office for him to lie down with his punctured plot facing up.
“Vengeance will be mine!”
Eb slowly shook his head back and forth, then leaned up against Princess Luna in the waiting room. “I think Peanut Brittle is trying to emulate your behavior,” he whispered.
Luna did not move, and Eb could not tell if she was repressing fury at being mocked by a foal in the other room or merely locking her jaw to keep from laughing. After a few more incoherent screeches and vile vituperations from the doctor’s office, she released enough of her restraint to admit, “Verily, for such a small child, she has astounding lung capacity. Do you think—”
“No,” said Eb as quick as he could. “She doesn’t need a demonstration of the Royal Everfree Announcement Voice. None of us do, so please restrain yourself when it comes time for your shots.” Eb considered the howling screech flooding the waiting room and added, “Master Sergeant Tide has an astounding streak of pragmatism, scheduling his child’s vaccination ‘boosters’ at the same time as your shots. I shall have to be alert to keep ahead of the Guards of this era.”
The shouting from the other room eventually tapered off, mostly because when Peanut Brittle came limping back into the waiting room, she had the stub of a ‘lollipop’ sticking out of her mouth. Eb had placed his into a uniform jacket pocket for later examination because he was uncomfortable enough without abusing his mouth with pure sugar and strange artificial flavors.
“He’s going to suffer,” muttered Peanut from around the candy. “I’ll get him back if it’s the last thing I do.”
“That is no way to speak of your chirurgeon—” started Luna only to be cut off by a sharp hiss.
“Not him!” protested Peanut. “My brother held me down while the doctor played pincushion with my patootie!”
Luna shook her head. “Vengeance against thy sibling is a poor path to take, young one. We would think you learned from our example.”
“I wasn’t going to send him to the moon! Just… eat all of his candied crickets on Hearths Warming or something.” Peanut settled down between Luna and Eb, wincing when her rump touched up against either of their sides. “Liar,” she added. “Foul deceit and odious somethings. He said I only needed one shot, and they just kept jabbing me, over and over.”
“We are quite positive you were only ‘jabbed’ as you say, the minimum number of times they needed in order to ensure your good health,” said Luna just as smooth as if she had been drinking butter. “Now if you will excuse us, your brother is at the office doorway, looking constipated.”
“He’s just afraid of you,” muttered Peanut, still settled in her silent youthful fury. “Mama told him a dozen times to be careful with your shots and not just jab you in the butt like they did me.” The young batpony promptly perked up. “Are you going to yell a lot?”
“No,” said Luna in her most discouraging tone of voice.
* * *
The walk back to House Glory was accomplished at a much slower pace in the darkness than normal, ostensibly for Eb’s age and relative poor health, but more because all three of them were stiff and sore from their vaccination regime. Peanut monopolized the conversation, mostly talking about her friends from school and their embarrassing reactions to shots or skinned knees or feather flu, which still did not have a fully effective vaccination but one that only made it a minor inconvenience. Admittedly, it was far better than having an affected Guard plummet out of the sky in a cloud of shed feathers, but the shot had been in Eb and Peanut’s collection despite a certain lack of the affected primaries.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come inside and have some cookies, Miss Princess?” Peanut stumbled on the bottom step of their apartment stairs and was caught by Private Pansy, who had been rather nervously following the limping procession ever since they left the doctor’s office. The big batpony had also been very quiet during the trip, much like a huge grey wall of darkness making an exaggerated shadow of the three of them against anything they passed.
“Be careful,” rumbled Pansy.
The admonition bounced off Peanut Brittle as Eb feared all cautions would. “I’m just fine,” she said with a wince and some rearranging to put her sore rear end on a higher step. “Everypony enjoyed your visit last time, so I thought—”
“Her Highness is not quite physically prepared to visit this evening,” said Eb just as smoothly as he could. “We both received quite a number of ‘punctures’ as you said, and only want to rest for a few hours. Besides, you’re not moving too well either.”
“An icepack’d help,” volunteered Pansy. “If the two of you want to head back, I’ll get the young lady situated with her family for proper care and I’ll catch up.”
“It’s not like we’re going to out-run you,” mused Eb. “And it would be a poor state of affairs indeed if a Princess and her Warleader were attacked inside the capital city in the few minutes it should take. Proceed, Private.”
While they walked in the general direction of the palace, there was something about Luna that was setting Eb’s nerves on edge, much like smelling smoke in a cargo hold full of siege petards. He was having difficulty placing the exact reason for his discomfort, or at least until he could see the way her cheek twitched with every movement of her hind leg.
“You displayed remarkable fortitude when enduring your inoculations,” said Eb carefully like probing a fizzing bomb. “Not that Peanut Brittle left much room on the other end of that reaction, that is. We did not hear a single word during your ordeal.”
“We are used to pain. We live that Equestria can survive,” said Luna in a flat level tone. “When Discord warped reality itself and twisted our bodies into incomprehensible shapes, we never wavered in our determination to see him banished. That was as close as I’ve ever been to my sister,” she added what looked to be an unintentional afterthought, most probably caused by the pain.
“At least she’s up to date on her shots and boosters,” groused Eb, then came to a halt as Luna stopped in the middle of the street.
“Is she? I mean…” A tiny bit of the frivolous princess that Eb had gotten to know over the years peeked out from concealment as Luna’s ears twitched, then she resumed her stride as if nothing had happened. “We are used to pain,” she said again.
“That is one good point to having your infernal magic coursing through my veins,” admitted Eb grudgingly. “Before, I was in such pain that the physicians had drugged me into incoherence. My mind was not my own again, much like when Nightmare Moon’s penumbra overlapped mine own. I’m not even certain she noticed me.”
“We… I did not,” said Luna. “My sister did not either, or she would not have been so shocked at your return. She… confided in me when we spoke.”
“So making an ass out of myself last night was worth it?” asked Eb.
“Naught happened last night in your regard that is worth discussion,” said Luna curtly, maintaining a much more regular pace now that she had something to distract her, as Eb had intended. “Be that as it may, we spoke at length for the first time in… a very long time. Reviewed some records from that era. Talked about this very city, and why it had to be moved from the Everfree. We still think tales of that place are blown over, but that is beside the point. I thought she would have been happy to see me gone. Far from that. My absence…” Luna’s steps slowed. “She was destroyed for many decades, reduced to the mental state of a terrified child and unable to make even the smallest decision on her own. The nation of Equestria came forth despite, not because of her.”
“I can’t believe that,” said Eb bluntly. “The two of you—”
“Defeated every foe, struck down our enemies, flew into battle at the head of our legions, yes.” Luna put her head down as she walked, not seeming to care if she was headed toward the palace or just treading some random street as long as she was moving. “Without us, without her, our ponies and their new allies were forced to stand up for themselves. They created the parliament which drafts our laws, the diplomatic treaties which bind together our ancient enemies and turned them into allies. They lifted forth every pony from the Everfree to this city in the mountain within a few decades where I could not imagine a feat this impressive in less than a century.”
Ebon Tide could not have been more stunned than if somepony had kicked a chair out from under him. “But the Royal Sisters—”
“Crushed our subjects’ motivation, protected them like children when we should have encouraged them to go forth and do great things on their own. In some small way, my imprisonment was a great blessing to all.”
Ebon Tide wanted to say something sarcastic about everlasting night being somewhat of an influence in that regard, but he was unable to speak. His entire life had been spent in service to the Crown, doing the exact things that Princess Luna was claiming to have inflicted ill upon the growing nation. It took all the concentration he was able to muster while following Her Highness, because he really wanted to just sit down in the middle of the street and scream. Or maybe cry. He didn’t even react when Pansy dropped out of the dark sky and took his position at their side.
Thankfully, his subordinate seemed to understand the surface of the situation without asking any questions. Pansy merely ghosted along beside them both like some oversized shadow, matching their strides as they approached the palace. In desperate search for something to distract his mind from the terrible wrongness of his discovery, Eb concentrated instead on his aide. It let him get a grip on at least one problem within his control, which he really needed at the moment.
“Private Pansy, when will flying exercises be added to my training? I know I shall have to unlearn a life worth of practice, because my balance is nowhere near what it was when I had feathers, and that must be a priority before I can return to the pells.”
“I’ll see to it, sir.”
“Also, take us to some sort of room in the palace where we can speak privately. With damping spells, most certainly,” continued Eb in an effort to keep from thinking about Luna’s terrifying revelation. “The most secure facility you can access.”
“Certainly, sir.” This time, Pansy did not sound nearly as confident, which was only fair because Eb was doubting himself fairly intensely also. They followed him regardless, through the dark corridors and past other Guards at other doors until they came to an ornate portal, a vast expanse of bronze and steel which must have taken a dozen ponies a year to carve and decorate. He reached out with one hoof and swung the door open, a slow motion that betrayed some sort of hidden counterweight due to the immense thickness of the portal.
“The Concordian,” said Pansy. “It dates back to the founding of Canterlot and the Treaty of Menagerie. It has been added to over the years by every race who has joined Equestria as an ally.” Pansy’s back straightened slightly and he added, “It was originally designed by a batpony.”
“And it is currently unused?” asked Eb, who resisted an urge to peer inside since that was the job of a subordinate, after all. It took Pansy several minutes to check out the room, flitting from point to point and trying all the other doors before returning with a silent nod.
“Very well. Princess?” It was Eb’s turn to nod and gesture within. “We shall give you fifteen minutes. Will that be adequate?”
“Make it twenty,” said Luna, who strode forward and let the doors close behind her with a most solid thud and clunk from a hidden locking mechanism.
Rather than fret in front of Pansy while waiting, Eb seized the initiative for a problem which faced both himself and his royal charge. “Private, you are to immediately go forth and gather the current rules and regulations of the Royal Guard for my examination this eve. Preferably the ones given to the initiates—”
“Cadets,” corrected Pansy quietly, but giving a twitch as the walls of the palace shook with a muffled obscenity that even Eb found to be quite obsolete. An entire series of profanity followed it, muffled into incoherence by the spells in the Concordian room but still barely audible to the two of them.
“Cadets,” said Eb with a nod, “because those will be the most annotated with reasons and explanations of their details. In addition, a history of the Royal Guard from its formation to the present, both in summarized form and reasonable detail,” he added, thinking of just how thick a thousand years worth of self-promotion would be with a mechanical printing device able to duplicate the memoirs of each and every leader in the Guard. “No more than five books to start, perhaps more later. Also, a history of the creation of Canterlot, the Treaty of Menagerie, the formation of this parliament organization, and as much as you can find on the first decade or two after Princess Celestia banished Nightmare Moon.”
Looking a little overwhelmed, Pansy stopped eyeing the vibrating and rattling door of the Concordium and nodded. “Will that be all, sir?”
“Deliver them to my quarters as quickly as you can,” said Eb as the ground shook to the stomping of irate alicorn hooves, not quite as damped as Luna’s vocal complaints. “With several ice packs. We plan on resting for the rest of the eve, and this will give us something to do.”
“And by we…?” Pansy really did not look comfortable at the concept of his superior and his liege sharing a bed, which Eb understood far too well. Giving the nervous batpony a dry look, Eb ever so slowly shook his head.
“Do you honestly expect anything untoward to occur between Her Highness and myself, with my current condition and after both of us have undergone that series of inoculations?”
Pansy looked as if he were going to contest Eb’s conclusions, but a startled expression overcame him and he managed a brief snort of amusement instead. “Of course not, sir. You’re not Eclipse, after all. I’ll have those books waiting for you…”
“Very good, Pansy,” said Eb. “Once Her Highness has released her frustration, I will escort her to wherever she wishes to spend the evening recovering. I suspect that will be my room,” he admitted. “I scarce can think of a safer place for her, and this will allow the workers in her bedchambers to complete their tasks unhindered by her presence. Go.”
He went.
* * *
It was quite enlightening what one could become accustomed to over a period of time when one started with the concept of death by neglect, progressed to having an immense amount of dark magic pressed upon oneself, and ending at the moment by having Her Most Serene Highness jostling for space in the bed beside him.
“Pudding pop?” The proffered treat floated out in front of Ebon Tide’s nose and bobbed in Luna’s blue aura, making the dark chocolate ice look vaguely leprous.
“In bed?” Eb spurned the offer and returned to his examination of the Guard handbooks. In his day, books were so precious that the Guards responsible for their keeping went through a ritual cleansing and purification before they took their station, and the Reader who lectured the incoming Guards had his own regalia used only for that purpose. The advent of mechanical printing had expanded the traditional one volume of Guard rules to four, and provided a copy for each Guard with their enlistment. Copies could be likewise purchased for a trivial sum at a substantial store in the Guard library, along with an astonishing number of books on pertinent subjects.
It was difficult to resist plunging into the collection of written words, to revel in the accomplishments and glories of his peers through history, but there was a deeper threat that he was driven to investigate. Despite Luna’s claims, Eb could not believe that all he was experiencing, the mechanical progress and the unity of races, could have happened despite Celestia’s collapse. The books detailing that part of history were no help, somewhat vague on describing what happened, but totally short of any reason why the other races contributed their skills and assistance in such great abundance to Equestria other than the leadership of the princess (singular) and her love for her country.
Reading the treaties and laws set forth at the time were likewise not helping. Close personal relationships with both princesses had left Eb a relative expert in the way each of the alicorns turned a phrase or worked their way through written documents, but there was a ‘bump’ in the historical record. Before Luna’s banishment, a great amount of records were missing, most likely destroyed in order to conceal her existence. After Nightmare Moon had been banished and the world was living with only one alicorn, the words of history changed somehow. They became more direct, shorter and to the point, laid out in the sensible fashion that Eb had learned through writing many reports on his path upward in the Guard.
There was a word he refused to speak as long as Luna was anywhere nearby, and a concept that shook him to his core yet again. The Guard protected the Princesses, but what would they do if there was only one remaining: the alicorn who raised Sun and Moon so that the world would survive…
“Thou art disturbed,” said Luna, who had given up on her reading for the moment, floated the few tattered remains of their lunch tray to one side, and was absently fluffing her pillow up. “Surely the thought of my sister grieving unto collapse doth not concern you as much as the fact that she had no recollection of your presence, and did not remember until your pale hairless hide was dumped upon her spotless lawn.”
“Nay, I was not concerned about mine own self,” said Eb. “We are small things in the world, and are used to being underhoof. We serve so you may rule, after all. I merely fear that books are not the answer to our abject lack of knowledge in this modern age. Such a great quantity must be printed each year that we could not read them fast enough to catch up, were we both immortal alicorns. In addition, many of these books are certain to contain lies and omissions. For example, there is nary a reference to that blasted can opener which befuddled us for far too long.”
“As a ruler, I must be informed, not ignorant. So what do you propose we do?” Luna nuzzled her pillow and placed her head down upon it, making Eb feel even less at ease with his additional role of Royal Bedroom Advisor.
“You must continue your discussions with Princess Celestia at morn and night,” said Eb with the certainty that he could almost see the words bouncing off her head. “In addition, it would be wise for us to venture into the city and explore as citizens, not standing on our rank. Perhaps alternating young Peanut Brittle and the energetic Princess Mi Amore as a guide. That would allow us to learn of the simpler things first, and work our way up to the greater.”
With an affirmative grunt, Luna remained relatively quiet, but Eb could still see the lines of tense muscles under her smooth coat. “And what of your kind? Where will we find a reliable source of information on your survival and history?”
“Your previous suggestion has merit. Peanut’s friend, Pine Apple Squares, I believe is his name. He appears to be an industrious young colt, so setting him upon this task will give us a different perspective than we will certainly receive from official sources.”
“A unicorn,” murmured Luna, although Eb could see the muscles on her sides begin to relax slightly. “They always were the more studious of our ponies. I scarce think we could have ruled Equestria without the assistance of our unicorn Factotums. And children are not poisoned by the world yet. They have a much more pure and innocent view of events. We approve of your suggestion. Make it so.”
“It will be as you wish,” responded Eb almost automatically. “A certain degree of physical exercise would also be prudent to share. Although I could not keep up with your pace even in my prime, Pansy can supervise your exertions while still keeping an eye on me. There is a large field at the Academy with a track about the outside, where I plan on spending the early evenings at a slow trot, working my way up to a gallop. Once you have accomplished your evening tasks and finished speaking with your sister, you could join me there and see about exercising some of that suet off your tail so you do not fall prey to the same fate as—”
There was a distinct and quite false snore that overrode Eb’s voice and repeated whenever he tried to continue. It roiled the rage in his belly like indigestion, or perhaps it was indigestion from the modern food which he had tried that evening. ‘Tacos’ had seemed safe, and the addition of something called ‘picante’ made them practically irresistible, or at least to his new body. Luna had browsed the luncheon selection with relative delicacy, picking out one or another item and eating far less than she should.
Despite his jab, Princess Luna was looking underfed. When they took their suggested trips out into the city with Princess Mi Amore, it would only be fair to visit as many bars and taverns as possible so the Princess of the Night could be properly plumped up again. It was probably another reason why Luna was staying close to him, because his protruding ribs and recovering coat made her own physical failures less obvious.
She looked so fragile up close, curled around her pillow and breathing regularly to feign sleep. One of the most powerful creatures in the world, restrained by her own flaws until she could no longer…
As he watched over a long period of time, the regularity of feigned sleep turned ever so slowly into reality, the rise and fall of her great chest threaded through with tiny twitches of dreams. He felt a pang of guilt over this kind of intrusion into her life, but she had practically forced it upon him, and the job of a Guard was to protect the princesses after all.
He was just protecting her very closely, from…
That was a question that eluded him through the afternoon, and for days to come.