//------------------------------// // Chapter 16 // Story: The Jerk // by Perception Filter //------------------------------// The Jerk Chapter 16 *CLANG* “HMMMHPPHHHPPPHH!” *CLANG* “MMMMHHPPPHHH!” *CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG* “MPH MPHHPH!” Need some help? “MPHHHPHPHPHPH!!!!!” I’ll take that as a yes. ~~~~~~~~~ I pounded on the door that had flattened me onto the ground. “GAHHH” I tried to shout, only it came out more like a “Mmmpphhth” I pounded the door some more. Again screamed unsuccessfully and let another scream loose. I was then that I heard Discords voice. Need some help? He asked with traces of humor in his voice. I began to hurl every expletive I knew at him, only to be muffled by the door. I’ll take that as a yes. He said and the door was lifted off of the ground and I groaned. “Son of a bitch.” I moaned and rubbed my aching head. You okay man? “Yea. Thanks for the help.” No problem. I rubbed my face with my hands and took a few deep breaths. I looked over at the now prone door across the room where Discord had flung it and the small impression of me in the stone floor. I raised an eyebrow. “Am I really that short?” Maybe? Discord answered with cautious tone. Smart choice for him. “Alright, let’s see what all this trouble was for.” I said and got up to survey the other side of the wall. Nothing special, except for a dust-covered chest that was on a pedestal in the exact center of the room. It was obviously important. I mean, why protect it with the softest metal on earth. Then again, it was one of the heaviest. Certainly stopped me. “Discord, any idea what’s in the chest?” I asked, eying the chest wearily. The Elements of Harmony. The most powerful weapon that Equestria has, or I should say -had-, in their possession. “What do they do?” I asked, now walking towards the box. It was purple, encrusted with many jewels and gold inlaid. It.... Varies. “What’s that supposed to mean?” It depends on the situation. The two times they were used however, was a giant rainbow of friendship. By friendship, I mean death. “A giant rainbow laser of death.” I deadpanned. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Well... I exaggerated a bit. It doesn’t actually kill anything. “That’s a relief.” I said, rolling my eyes in the process. “I still don’t see how a giant rainbow laser could do shit.” Don’t underestimate their power. “Yea yea. Don’t worry.” ~~~~~ Celestia jerked upward from her slumber. “SISTER!” She ran over to her sister and began to shake her till she woke up. “Urrghhh.” Luna groaned groggily.”Celestia, do you have any idea what time it is?” She asked wincing at the light that only she could see. “No, but this is important! The warning spell I put on the Elements of Harmony vault has been broken.” Her siblings eyes shot open. “Are you sure?!” “Absolutely. Do you think the Changelings finally managed to open the vault?” “Maybe, they certainly have had enough time to figure something out.” The dark blue pony hesitated with a response. “Can the Changelings even use the Elements?” She asked with a spark of hope. Celestia didn’t respond for a few moments. With a monumental sigh, she replied. “Yes sister. But to do that, they would have to eliminate the current element bearers.” If her eyes could’ve gotten any bigger, Luna’s eyes would have burst out of her head. “What?!?” She sputtered. “They are going to kill Twilight and her friends?” “If they can’t figure anything else out, they might resort to that. Luckily for them, they know nothing about the Elements. We are safe for now.” Luna didn’t bother to respond at all this time. She was silently brooding this new contemplation in silence. ~~~~~ “Well fuck me up the ass with a minigun.” What? “I don’t know.” I said, staring at a very large Changeling horde before me. There were a select few who were normal, but most of them were the undead. They screamed and I covered my ears. “FUCK!” I yelled wincing at the high pitch noise. “DISCORD! Any help?!?!?” I yelled to him over the din. Run? “I love your way of thinking.” And I ran. I ran so far away. Ha, not really. I jumped out of the window. I flew downwards for about twenty feet into a garden adorned with multiple statues below. Glass rained down all around me as the screaming mob of undead Changelings either jumped to their deaths or learned to fly. In their credit, most of them did. I took off into the garden, passing behind statues of things that I couldn’t recognize. Hey, hide behind that statute there. He indicted in my mind to a weird lizard looking thing with a terrified look on its face. “REALLY!?” I took a ‘Are you fucking serious face’ and kept running. “I CAN’T HIDE NOW!!” Just DO it. Trust me. “Look,” I said in between breaths. “You’re a nice guy and all.” I ducked under a Changeling that flew over my head. “But there is no way in hell that I trust you.” and I ran past the statue. Man. you really suck. “I love you too honey.” I said sarcastically. “Now pull your mind out of your ass and HELP ME!” I swerved around a corner to find myself face to face with a Changeling glaring at me. “Move it bitch.” I used some parkour and kicked him while jumped over him. Let me tell you, parkour is hard in full power armor. I continued sprinting. “DISCORD! HELP ME!” I shouted and burst through a hedge to find myself at the edge of a vast crater. I turned to see the Changelings rapidly approaching me. “DISCORD!” I shouted, backing up as far as possible. “IF YOU LET ME DIE, I WILL MURDER YOU!” Still no response. “DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SKULL AND BEAT YOU WITH IT!” There was still nothing and I finally stopped screaming into the air. He wasn’t going to help me. The mob had stopped before me and it slowly parted to reveal a battered, scarred, and ragged but very much alive, Queen Chrysalis. The fucker that left me to my death had left me to my death had filled me in on the blanks in my info. “How the fuck are you still alive?” I asked with a mixture of disgust and awe. “The v-v..” She broke off coughing. “Virus. I-I barely s-survived.” She said, her words punctuated with periodic twitches. I felt pity on her for a moment, but just a moment. “Look at you. Shouldn’t be alive, yet you are walking around and it looks like you are dead. Just an abomination that should be cleansed.” “Y-you have n-no right to s-speak to me like t-that.” She was shaking vigorously now. I shook my head. “I feel bad for you. Know why? Because I would rather die than be what you are right now.” “E-enough banter. M-minions. Secure the E-Elements.” She pointed a shaking hoof at me, and they held for a moment. Only a moment. “Do your worst.” and I jumped back into the crater. ~~~~~ He bashed against the black walls that encrusted him. He was so close, yet so far away. He slammed them as much as possible, feeling the crack widening. Discord was having a hell of a time trying to widen the crack in his statue enough to escape. He supplied all of his reserves of chaos energy to combat the orderly magic that imprisoned him, yet it still wasn’t enough. He slammed his all of his might against the crack, trying to open it only to be stopped at the last moment. The spell was still too strong. He yelled in frustration as he saw the human reach the edge of the crater he had created last time he was free. It wasn’t enough. The human began to yell into the air promising threats of murder and revenge if he didn’t help him right now. “I CAN’T!” He tried to yell back, but to no avail. His stone prison prevented him from doing anything more than basic magical conversion, which greatly weakened him even then. He had to focus on holding the Harmonic magic trying to seal his prison again back. Since the Elements had been taken from their magical cage, the residue magic had been empowering the spell, ever so gently. He slammed his mind against the breach again, still screaming in his head. “NO NO NO!” Then, he felt something give way. Ever so little, but it was enough. He grinned and pushed forward with renewed might. ~~~~~ I slid down the walls of the crater, leaving a trail of dust in my wake, and I did a leaping roll and set off at a sprint, until I was at the center of the crater. All around me, Changelings -undead and live, it didn’t matter - were gathering along the edges of the crater. I was trapped. The Queen walked up and spoke in a loud voice that cracked frequently. “You had s-such promise. Y-you could have b-been the lead of my forces. Y-you had to choose the p-ponies.” Came her voice, booming across the crater. “I WOULD NEVER HAVE FOLLOWED YOU!” I shouted back, holding the Elements behind me. She sighed. A cracking, dry, disgusting sound. “S-so be it. Kill h-him.” And the Changelings poured across rim of the bowl I was in and began to steam down the walls. I looked in my bag. Same as last time I checked. Except... I spotted something olive gray and drab upon my searching. I was already drowning out the thundering of hooves and screaming, so I was able to search in peace. I dug down and my hand came into contact with a football shaped object. I put on a shit eating grin and pulled out my last mini-nuke. “COME AND GET ME YOU FUCKERS!” ~~~~~ With a loud flash of white light and a particularly loud crack, one of the statues in the Royal Canterlot Garden disappeared, and in its place stood a full color replica of it. Only if one looked close, you could see it was moving, breathing and very much alive. Discord shook his head and stood up upon the dying grass. He let out a small laugh in disbelief. “I....I’m alive.” He said and began to laugh hysterically. “I’M FREE!” He shouted, thunder cracking upward from the ground behind him in a flash of drama. He took a deep breath of the cool air and did a small spin. Things weren’t quite as he remembered them, but then again, the Changelings didn’t take too much care of the wildlife. He marveled at the world around him. Being able to move was amazing, but being able to smell, to see with his own eyes, and hear with his own ears. It was indescribable. Suddenly, a loud rolling boom and an ominous looking mushroom cloud emanating from the crater caught his attention. “Oh no.” He said and flew off towards the crater, still too weak to teleport. ~~~~~ I placed the mini-nuke, who I had dubbed the Fuck-Shit-up-Inator at the time, - Hey, it’s not like I had the time to come up with something good. Anyways, I placed the Fuck-Shit-up-Inator in the box containing the Elements of Harmony and hooked up an egg-timer with some wire to it and held it above my head. “HEY FUCKER!” I shouted to the Queen and she shouted over the noise of her subjects about to maim me. “W-what is it you w-want heathen?!” “KISS MY ASS!” And the timer was at 5 seconds. Second 5, she stared at me confused. Second 4, she cocked her head to the side. Second 3, her eyes narrowed. Second 2, they widened in horror. Second one, she shouted. “STOP HIM NOW!” And the Fuck-Shit-up-Inator detonated. It detonated within the box and for a brief moment, nothing happened. I stared at the box incredulously. “FUCK ME!” I shouted at the box and threw it onto the ground, and it tipped open slightly and a whole explosion poured through it and threw the lid open. It fired the Changelings around me, and when the shockwave hit me, I flew backward, tearing through the black insects, bouncing on the ground before finally slamming into the crater wall on the far side. There are no words to describe the amount of pain I felt at that moment. I had several broken bones, probably a concussion, my insides were on fire and I felt blood pouring out of multiple wounds over my body. The last thing I saw was the strange lizard thing from the garden flying over the crater.