I stretch as I sit in my chair within a cafe in Canterlot. According to Jan, our first fight is in Canterlot. For a supposed hero, he sure has no problem endangering lives. Celestia, disguised as a regular white unicorn with an orange mane, and sitting across from me, smiles as she finishes off her strawberry shortcake. “I kind of expected this to be a lot more violent by now. Call me pleasantly surprised,” she says.
“Eh, give it a minute or so,” I respond. I sigh before I take a sip of my coffee. “I have to admit, I’m excited to see whoever’s fighting me today. I haven’t had a good fight ever since Twilight’s misunderstanding.” Celestia giggles.
“I still love that she finally won and you weren’t even a villain anymore,” Celestia says. “Do you even count that fight as a win for her?” She asks. I laugh wholeheartedly.
“No, you stepped in before she could stop me,” I reply, snickering. Suddenly, the cafe doors open with a jingle, and Clash rushes in.
“Sir! Recon is finished and I have a report ready, sir!” He yells, to the chagrin of the other customers.
“Take a chill pill Clash, what’s the report?” I ask, sighing.
“There were no suspicious activity! Recon is doing a double check, sir!” He says, slightly quieter. Celestia snickers as I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“Okay, and what about the secondary objective?” I ask. Clash blinks silently. A minute goes by and my fist clenches. “Don’t tell me you forgot the secondary, mandatory, objective.” Clash starts sweating before he breaks his stance and falls to the ground crying.
“I-I’m sooo sorrry siiiiirrrr-“ he sobs. “Please give me another chaahaahaaaanceee!!!” I groan as I look at the miserable pile in front of our table.
“Stand up you spineless lump of fuck,” I say, picking up Clash and setting him straight. “Never mind about the secondary target, I’ll deal with it myself. You continue recon, and maybe I’ll forgive you.” To that, Clash nods, sniffling, and rushes out. “God I miss Bones,” I mutter, to Celestia’s amusement.
“How is he by the way? I hadn’t heard from him since he went to the Crystal Empire,” she asks.
“He’s doing good, I haven’t visited in a while though. His kid’s apparently a little slow at school, but he’s great at basketball so it evens out,” I say. “I sent him a care package with some money the other day, he doesn’t need it, but I still wanna do something nice for him every one in a while…”
“Aw, how sweet,” Celestia says. I hum.
“… Now I feel too nice… I’mma go ruin someone’s day,” I say abruptly before getting up and marching out. Celestia giggles and waves bye as I march before calling over a waiter and asking for another shortcake.
I huff as I walk down the streets of Canterlot, looking around. The secondary objective is important to me, as it pertains to Celestia’s anniversary gift. Truth be told, I completely forgot it was this week. As I walk, I’m racking my brain for a good enough gift. It can’t be cake, that’s predictable. Can’t do jewelry, since she’s not a toddler and easily entertained by shiny shit. I groan as I come to a stop. “Why the fuck are relationships so hard? Why couldn’t Celestia just fuck off?” I ask myself, fixing my cap. Suddenly, a tug on my coat wakes me up from my internal despair. I look over to see a shriveled hand from under a cloak, holding onto me. “Great, free entertainment,” I say.
“Is he friend, or is he foe?” The hobo asks.
“Fuck if I know,” I reply. A chuckle is heard before the figure comes closer.
“Could you, perhaps spare some change?” It asks.
“Yes,” I answer honestly.
“Ah, most gracious,” the cloaked stranger says, putting out a red hand.
“No, I didn’t say I’d give you money, I just meant I had money,” I say.
“Oh, rather harsh don’t you think?” He asks. I snicker before walking away.
“No, not really,” I answer. Suddenly, I’m spun around and the figure throws off his cloak to reveal a rather shriveled red centaur. Before I could react, the centaur leans in, mouth open, and sucks in air. “…” I look around awkwardly. “… Right, I’m gonna just uh, leave now. This is just sad,” I say, backing up.
“W-what?” The centaur asks, perplexed. He looks at his arms and looks back up to me angrily. “What did you do!? Where’s your magic!?”
“Chill the fuck out you hobo,” I say.
“Grah! I’ll be back!” He yells before running off. I hum in mild interest as I turn around to continue walking. You know, he kind of reminded me of someone… someone… OH SHIT- I turn back around and start running after Tirek.
“Shit shit shit shit shit,” I mutter, trying to run faster and faster. I hear screams of panic in the distance. “God damn son of a bitch ass mother fuckin’ dicker of a fuck!!!” I yell as I turn towards the sound. As I run, I glimpse a shop off to the side that catches my eye. I skid to a stop and rush over to a shop called La Déchetterie. Fuck it, I might as well grab something for Celly quick. I burst in, look around wildly and see a red lamp. It’s in the shape of a sun. Looks tacky. It’s perfect. I take it, slam it on the desk, scaring the clerk, and say, “Hold this until I get back.” With that, I charge out of the store.
Tirek, now much taller and more muscular, grins widely as he sucks more magic out of a unicorn. “Stop sucking off that guy and fight me bitch!” I yell. Tirek tosses away the poor soul before turning towards me. We’re in a courtyard, surrounded by cornered citizens and various shops.
“Silence fool, I’m going to enjoy tearing you apart. So save your breath for your screams,” Tirek says, grinning with confidence. I chuckle.
“Any last words before I kick your fucking shins?” I ask.
“I’ve said enough,” Tirek finishes, before firing a laser at me. I side step before launching lightning. Tirek takes the brunt of it, grunting. “Heh, interesting. It’s not Equestrian magic at all.” With a grunt, he picks up a nearby cart and tosses it towards me. Quickly, I run off to the side and take out my gun. “I’ve heard of your exploits, Anonymous the Lightning Bearer. However it seems your lightning isn’t up to snuff!” I point my gun at him. I fire away, only to see the bullets bounce off.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I mutter. Another laser is shot at me, this time aiming for my feet. I dart off before the laser hits the ground, it trails behind me during our chase, tracing my path with scorch marks and torn up ground. Tirek stops, grunting as I turn to run towards him.
“You might be fast, but all I need is one hit!” Tirek yells as he charges up his horn.
“Threats don’t work on me bitch!” I yell, jumping once I was close enough. It was just in time too, since Tirek unleashes his laser, which flies right under me. With a concentrated force push, I rose even high and flew towards Tirek even faster. As he looks up to try and hit me with the laser, I start charging up my electricity. In one fluid motion, I grab onto one of his horns, and use my momentum to twirl around it, landing my ass on his back like I was on a rodeo. Tirek’s head, thank to my momentum, was pulled back and the laser shot up into the air. I unleash all of my charged up electricity, which wasn’t as much as I was hoping for, but it was enough to make Tirek yell and spazz out. I held on for dear life by keeping a grip on his horns. I laugh maniacally as Tirek shakes and twists, trying to get me off. Finally, I run out of charge, and Tirek actually grabs me by the scruff of my shirt. “Uh oh,” I say. Tirek throws me onto the floor in front of him, knocking the wind out of me.
“Annoying pest!” He yells, charging a laser. I start to get up, but he kicks me with a hoof and sends me sprawling onto my stomach. Placing a hoof on my back, he keeps me still as I struggle. I start sending electricity through his hoof, but he doesn’t seem to mind all that much, going so far as to chuckle.
“Fucking fatass, move!” I yell. Tirek finally unleashes his laser into my back. Searing, burning pain enters my back, forcing me to scream in pain. The pony onlookers wince as they watch Tirek wreck my shit. Finally, the laser stops and Tirek kicks me away. I roll away for a few feet before Tirek chuckles.
“This was who took over Equestria? Pathetic,” he says, before turning to the ponies. “I feel a little peckish right now, would anyone like to satisfy my hunger?” To this, all the ponies back up, but Tirek had trapped them in earlier with a piece of building. Thus, blocking the only other exit to the courtyard. I get up as I hear ponies freak out and start charging my electricity. I hold out my hands and try to find any electrical energy source in the area and flow it towards me. Tirek’s about to power up and I can’t stop him. So, I’m gonna need a lot of power for this attack. The air starts crackling and zapping, and the sky starts to grow darker. Tirek looks up as he finishes sucking the magic out of several ponies. Confused, he looks back at me and sees I’m still up, and I’m glaring at him with glowing eyes. He merely smiles and turns to face me. “I truly need to study your magic, it’s almost similar to my own. Too bad you’ll be-“
“Shut the fuck up for fucking once!” I yell, invigorated by the electricity coursing through me. Sparks fly whenever I move. Tirek finally notices that I’m charging much faster than he realized, and snorts before shooting a laser at me. I pull up a force field, and block the shot before it could reach me. I continue charging as Tirek fires more and more lasers at me, only to find them stopped. He grunts and charges at me. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes me, causing me to tense up as a shit ton of energy courses through me, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I yell in pain. This should probably be enough to at least stop him. I aim my hand towards Tirek, and energy jumps between my arms before launching right at the red centaur.
Everyone is blinded by the electrical energy as Tirek get struck. Tirek falls to the ground, still sliding forward from the momentum of his charge. His body spazzes out much more visibly than before, and he screams in pain. I keep sending out energy, trying to expel this sudden excess as fast as possible. My fingers and toes feel like they’re burning, and my chest starts to hurt. Finally, Tirek stops in front of me, silent but spazzing as I pour more electricity into him. After a few moments, I finally stop and breathe heavily. Panting, I look up to see Tirek’s passed out and he falls to the floor. I fall to one knee as I put a hand to my chest in pain, grabbing the tattered remains of my shirt.
“Well, well, well!” A new voice yells in excitement. I look up wearily to see Jan’s stupid robot face. “Congratulations! You won the main fight!” I stop and look up in astonishment.
“Excuse me, ‘main’, fight?” I ask. Jan nods.
“Yep Yep! There’s a bonus fight you have to do now! Have fun!” Jane says excitedly before disappearing. Suddenly, Tirek shrivels and shrinks as magic leaves him, returning to the rightful owners. I watch as Tirek gets teleported out with a flash of light, only to be replaced with Applejack. She looks at me with a smirk.
“It’s about high time I-“ she stops as I fall onto my stomach. “Oh shoot, what the hay happened to y’all?!”
“Tirek happened,” I mutter. Applejack looks around and finally notices the scorched earth around us.
“Wow, it Uh, looks like it took a lot outta you,” she says, walking over and sitting next to me. I roll over to look at the sky. “Oh golly! What the hay happened to your chest!? It looks crispier than a barrel of hay bacon!” I look over at her slowly.
“Excess energy,” I mutter before nearly passing out.
“Well… shoot, now I feel kinda bad now, I can’t fight y’all like this,” Applejack says.
“You know, this is why none of you could ever stop me. This is a perfect chance to do so and you’re pitying me. Fuck off,” I say, flipping her off tiredly. “I would fight you even if you were crippled.” Applejack snorts a laugh before nodding.
“That’s true. I know y’all well enough to know you would,” she says.
“… Oh damn, I still gotta get Celestia’s gift,” I mutter.
“Say what? A gift?” Applejack asks.
“Look, just, stay out of it, I can fight you in a bit just-“ with that, I slowly sit up before trying to stand. Shakily, I get up and get into a fighting stance.
“Um, are y’all sure you wanna-“
“Fight me you bumpkin fuck,” I interrupt. Applejack certainly looks miffed from that comment, but she sighs.
“I can’t rightly fight y’all when you can’t even stand straight,” she says. “Just- tell y’all what, let’s take a break, and come back here to fight once y’all feel better.” I cough up some smoke before hesitantly nodding.
“A-alright, but I’m taking advantage of you alright! You’re not helping me or anything!” I yell, causing her to chuckle.
“Sure sugarcube, sure,” she says. I roll my eyes and start walking off. “So, where do y’all wanna eat? It’ll be my treat.” I grunt.
“There’s a cafe Celestia and I were eating at, but I’m sure she’s finished up by now,” I say. “She has some stupid shit to do so we can eat wherever. First, however…”
I kick open the door to the shop I visited earlier. I slowly walk up to the counter of the clerk pony, who I now finally look at. The pony has a light grey coat of fur with a blue twirly mane. He looks rather frightened by my presence, his glasses rattling as he shakes. Wordlessly, I take the lamp I set on the counter earlier, and start walking out. “U-um, sir, y-you have to pay for that!” The clerk stammers. I stop and give him a side-eye as electricity starts sparking around me. The clerk recoils from my look and coughs into a hoof. “W-well, I suppose that one was er, getting uh, thrown out anyway,” he quickly amends, giving a nervous smile. I stare at him for a few more seconds before slowly walking out with my well earned lamp. Applejack chuckles a little as she sees my prize.
“A lamp? Y’all gonna get the ex-ruler of Equestria a lamp?” She asks. I grumble quietly as we head off to find a restaurant.
We find ourselves at the courtyard again, after eating and allowing me to recover well enough for another fight. Applejack and I square off, as I put up my fists. Applejack snickers, taking out some rope. “I ain’t going easy on y’all, ya hear?” I roll my arms before snickering.
“Wouldn’t want it any other way,” I say, as energy crackles around me. Applejack charges forward and twirls her lasso. I pull out my gun and shoot several bullets, but she dodges them by side stepping. “At least you’re learning,” I mutter, reloading and putting my gun away. I quickly charge up some electricity before shifting some bolts her way. She stops, side steps one bolt, and jumps over the other two before throwing her lasso. It wraps around my hand before Applejack yanks me forward. I stumble, but force push myself backwards, screwing up Applejack’s landing and causing her to fall and let go of the rope. I take this opportunity to shoot more lightning at her, but she rolls over before it connects. Damn, she’s fast.
“You’re not winning this ti-“ I interrupt her by shooting one more bolt with the last of my energy, which finally connects. She trembles and shakes as she falls to the floor, limp.
“I dunno, my chances are pretty good,” I say, smirking. Suddenly, Jan’s face appears, disappointed.
“It seems the first round goes to you, Mr Anon,” he says.
“Get fucked nerd,” I say. Jan sighs.
“Yes well-“
“Cope,” I interrupt. Jan looks at me for a moment.
“As I was-“
“Seethe,” I interject. Jan glares at me.
“Will you stop-“
“No bitches,” I say.
“SHUT UP!!!” Jan yells.
“L plus ratio,” I say, smiling widely.
“Forget it, I’ll see you tomor-“
“Your mom,” I say. Instead of responding, Jan teleports out with Applejack.
Applejack stumbles home to find Applebloom and Twilight waiting for her. She simply smiles at her waiting friend and family. “Didn’t win, but I didn’t think I wanted to win today,” she says simply before walking into her house with Applebloom, leaving Twilight at her porch. Twilight looks on where Applejack disappeared from and sighs. In a way, she doesn’t want to win. However, given how much trouble Anon put her through… she recalls her deal with Jan, struck up earlier this morning.
“If any of you or your friends finish off Anon in the bonus round, and I’ll take him away from your world. You’ll never have to deal with him again,” Jan had said. Twilight, to the slight disappointment to her friends, agreed in a heartbeat. However, after thinking about it throughout the day, she almost regrets the decision. Nonetheless, she told her friends to prepare for their fight. There’s no real loss if they lose, but still, Twilight hopes she can win…