//------------------------------//
// Lunchtime 
// Story: Crafty Cozy Glow 
// by Silvermyr 
//------------------------------//

The laughter classroom was partially a normal classroom in that there were benches and chairs for the students to sit and take notes at. It also doubled as a party space, with every bench being covered with festive tablecloths, and a generous selection of party favors set up at strategic locations, and balloons floating about under the roof. Finally, it had also functioned as a kitchen to bake cupcakes, ordinary cakes, chocolate cakes, carrot cakes, fruitcakes and more cupcakes.

It had functioned as a kitchen. 

Had.

Up until maybe half an hour ago. 

Really, even before then, things hadn't been going too well. When Cozy joined the lesson Derpy had explained that they were baking muffins today and no further explanation had been necessary, apparently. 

They had tried to bake as best they could. Even Cozy had tried her best, since she didn't want anypony to see her doing anything suspicious, and the best way to avoid that was to not do anything suspicious in the first place. Especially since it probably would not be needed, given the track-record of their substitute teacher. 

Her prediction proved correct when the poor ditz slipped and tried to catch herself on the nearby party cannon. To the sound of a party favor, streamers and confetti rained over their stoves, catching fire the moment they came into contact with the hot surface.

Speaking of fire hazards, wasn't it strange how both "flammable" and "inflammable" both meant something that could easily catch fire? It really sounded like inflammable should mean it didn't catch fire.

So for instance, when the bottles of gas pinkie used for her balloons were labeled with "Hydrogen-inflammable" it really wasn't very that strange ponies made mistakes sometimes.

Especially since the gas bottles, if you looked quickly, sort of, almost, nearly looked like fire extinguishers.

It was a small wonder all the students got out with their manes still attached. 

It was a bigger wonder that Derpy had survived being engulfed in a fireball that reduced a quarter of the room to cinders. Yet, when the radiant flash cleared, she still stood in the crater with that surprised, slightly scorched expression on her face. 

That's when she decided to cut the class short. So Cozy and the rest of the class, smelling of smoke as well as a persistent whiff of lavender from Trixie's class, limped into the cafeteria. Cozy assessed the situation and prepared to play her next part. 

"Golly, here we are," she said and ushered the two ponies she had pulled away from the fireball in with her. "You both okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He was a blue unicorn with a purple, side-slicked mane. "Thanks, Cozy. That was close. Name's Lilac Drops, by the way."

"I can't believe Twilight let her teach!" the other pony huffed, a green pegasus with copper-brown mane and a large purple bow on her head. Cozy knew her name: Spring Rays. "That was dangerous!"

"Now now," Cozy made a placating gesture. "It wasn't her fault. Really, somepony should have made sure the party cannons weren't loaded. And Derpy is really good at baking muffins too." The three of them sat down by a free table. "Not really sure how making muffins helps us learn friendship though."

The other pegasus pony huffed. "As long as our next lesson isn't to help clean up the laughter lab… I don't think I'll be laughing a whole lot." Cozy grinned at the witticism. 

"It's really not been a great day, has it?" Lilac said. "Really, whenever Twilight and her friends leave, things really don't work out very well."

"Well, they are really good friends," Cozy mused. "I guess it makes sense for them to be better at teaching friendship than… others." She lowered her voice and glanced around her. "Actually… I've heard some stuff about some of our teachers…"

"Yeah? What's that?" Lilac asked, munching on a celery stick from his lunchbox. 

Cozy put together an uncertain expression, hiding her glee. "Golly… I'm not sure I should…"

Spring Ray's ears perked up and she leaned closer. "Oh, you can't say something like that and then just stop! Come on, spill it!"

Cozy bit her lip and glanced around again, just to really sell the act. "Well… okay. I heard that Trixie once lured an Ursa Minor to Ponyville, and it nearly killed two foals. I think she wanted to prove to everypony that she was the best magician, or something like that."

Of course, that was not at all the whole truth, but it didn't have to be. It just needed to be truthful enough that, in the off chance one of these two numbskulls actually bothered to check the incident any deeper, the story still held up. If somepony bothered to fact check her, they'd probably stop when they realized there had been an Ursa Minor incident, and that Trixie was involved. Having come that far, Cozy could pretty safely assume they'd buy the rest of the story too. 

"No… that's not… possible, is it?" Lilac asked nopony in particular. "Like… no way Trixie would do something that dumb."

Before Cozy's mind's eye, memories of Trixie's lesson on humility played. "If there is nothing you can't do, then you can't not be humble! Trixie herself is the living proof of this, for she is extraordinarily humble."

"Or maybe she could," Spring Rays deadpanned.

"And once, when I was helping out at the orchard outside town, I heard somepony say that Starlight Glimmer was actually once a cult leader," Cozy continued.

"Oh, now I know you're just pulling my tail," Spring Rays scoffed, but by the way her eyes were focusing on Cozy, and her ears were still perked up attentively, Cozy knew she was still listening carefully. 

"No, really," Cozy said. "You know Apple Bloom's big brother? His fiancée let it slip once when I was helping Apple Bloom! So I asked her, and she said Starlight used to try and brainwash ponies and keep them from leaving her town!"

There was also something about stealing cutie marks, but Cozy wasn't sure she entirely believed that part herself. Better not overdo it; after all, to manipulate somepony, small steps were the best. One little rumor at a time, each one progressively worse than the last.

"You really know a lot of stuff about them," Spring Rays said. "Now it's my turn. My aunt lives in Ponyville, and she's told me that Rainbow Dash actually has big cider problems. She once saw her literally eat dirt where it was spilled."

"Yuck," both Lilac and Cozy said. 

"I know, right?" Spring Rays grinned. "And another time, every road in Ponyville turned to solid gold, so everypony was blinded just trying to walk outside. My aunt said that Rarity had picked up some dark magic book."

"Golly… she really should have been more responsible then," Cozy said. She grinned conspiratorially "But I guess… if you did have omnipotent powers, it'd be fun to do stuff like that…"

Note taken. Once she had disposed of the has-beens, gold-paved roads would definitely be on her list of improvements to Equestria. 

"Now it's your turn, Lilac," Spring Rays said. "Do you have something interesting too?"

"Uh… yeah, of course I do," Lilac said. "It was a while ago, but for some time three fillies were writing the juiciest gossip articles in the local newspaper. Like how Applejack's brother still needs a doll when he sleeps, or… oh!" Lilac grinned and beaconed them closer. Cozy and Spring Rays obliged. "So, you know Mayor Mare? Our substitute teacher?"

They nodded. 

"Her mane isn't actually gray! It's bubblegum pink. We should totally see if we can't notice that later when we have her class!"

Cozy snickered just at how silly that must look on the mayor. "Golly, we totally should! But we should tell everypony else too. It'd be way more fun if everypony was in on it!"

"Heh," Spring Rays grinned. "You know, I thought you were just a teacher's pet, Cozy. But you're pretty fun."

Lilac nodded. "Uh-huh! I'm gonna tell my friends about your stories with Trixie. I'm sure they have some stories too to share."

"Golly," Cozy said in lieu of a victory cheer. "Thanks. I'd love to hear more about our teachers. They're really great, but it's still pretty funny to hear about their failings too. Makes it feel a bit better when their lessons are hard."

"Well, we'll have to talk more later," Spring Rays said. "Lunch is almost done, and we'll have Loyalty class in the afternoon. And Lilac, you are totally bringing as many of those gossip articles you can tomorrow. I want to read it all!"

"Me too," Cozy chirped and pushed herself away from the table. "I'll see you at loyalty class. I just gotta use the little fillies room first."

That was a lie, but she really did have to take care of something. 

So far things had been easy. She had gotten two minions on her side with the door open for plenty more, but it was time to bring in another weapon. Cozy looked over her shoulder at the table of those six students. 

Common causes were useful to bind ponies together, and no common cause was stronger than a common enemy. An enemy who was not like them, an enemy they could easily identify and distrust.

All she had to do was to give a reason. Cozy just needed to make sure everypony remembered: they were outsiders. They did not think like ponies. They did not look like ponies. They were not kind like ponies.

They did not belong here.