//------------------------------// // Chapter Eighty Two: Roller Coaster of the Heart // Story: We don't go to Sub-Level Five // by RadBunny //------------------------------// Reality and nightmares twisted together. Needles stabbed into Sassi’s skin as she was unable to cry out. Workouts that refused to end until she collapsed from exhaustion. Countless nights were spent crying in her room, wondering why the tests had to continue. Wondering why she was treated less and less like a pony. The countless looks, the lack of anyone caring… And then one of Split Tie’s guards smirked as he traced a hoof down her flank. “Sassi?” A strongly familiar voice snapped her back to wakefulness, but a touch on the mare’s hoof made her scrabble backward. Sassi barely caught herself as she fell off the bed, a furious yell leaving her throat out of pure reflex. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” The words echoed off of the walls, the Thestral’s sides heaving as her limbs shook. Reality slowly broke through the barriers to Sassi’s woozy psyche, the mare blinking as her breathing slowed down. Despite that, the mare’s skin crawled as Sassi struggled to regain a sense of self. Astral was staring at her from the medical bed. His clear, unclouded eyes struggled to stay open. Abruptly, tears welled up within their depths, regret pouring from his gaze. “It’s the command spell. Isn’t it?” he whispered. She nodded, and the brimming tears slid from Astral’s eyes. Why was he- “I’m so sorry,” he said, voice shaking. “I couldn’t think of any other way to keep you safe. I never wanted to give you orders. I didn’t…” His voice drifted off, Astral unable to keep his eyes open any longer. Sassi stared at the stallion in shock, her lips quivering as now her own eyes began to burn. She shut them, head shaking back in forth in self-loathing. In the few moments Astral had been lucid, the stallion thought he was the reason she didn’t want to be close. Had he been waiting for me to wake up? And then I yell at him when he tries to comfort me? Is this how it’s going to be? More tears dripped from the mare’s eyes as she cried. Talk was cheap. Astral said he’d be ok if she was a wreck, but this was different. Now he thought that it was because of him. Nothing could be further from the truth. She couldn’t even muster the strength to stand. Even though a part of Sassi wanted to embrace Astral and cry for hours, the part that recoiled in fear and disgust won out. Any touch was too much to process. But I don’t have days or weeks to get over this. Time was something Sassi had, however. Even if it wasn’t enough, it was something. She let herself think, working through the memories and feelings that sandblasted her mind and heart raw. I’m not ok. Somehow, that admittance made Sassi feel just the smallest bit better. A few hours of dozing passed, curled up on the tile floor cleared Sassi’s head. She wasn’t ok, not by a long shot. But she was better. All she wanted to do was talk to Astral, to reassure him that her trials weren’t because of him. To take a moment to let him know that he made her feel safe, nothing less than that. To tell Astral I love him. That made her jaw quiver slightly. In time. First, Sassi had to get her head on straight. But there was progress. The mare had walked over and gently inched her hoof over to hold Astral’s. Considering her prior methods of dealing with the trauma, this was leaps and bounds ahead. Usually, she couldn’t be close to anyone for days. Yet within a few hours, she was holding Astral’s hoof. How could you be the cause of all this, if you make it better? To her joy, Astral’s eyes flickered open. But the green depths were clouded, even as a gentle smile slid across his tar-stained lips. “Sassifrass?” he asked with a yawn. “Hey, Astral.” He frowned at her words, hoof tightening around hers. “You’re sad.” This can’t be a coincidence. “How can you tell?” she asked. “Just know.” Not helpful. She sighed, happy to just sit next to the immobile stallion and hold his hoof. Astral certainly didn’t seem to mind. “Happier.” The fact the stallion said it with such a simple conviction followed by that still-cute smile of his made Sassi’s spirits lift considerably. “Thanks to you, yes,” she said before getting up. She gave his hoof a squeeze, then busying herself with examining the rooms for supplies. The timer went off for Astral’s injection, and the mare frowned, only seeing a few more syringes left. “How many more injections does Astral need?” she asked, discarding a syringe. “To avoid permanent damage, two. Continued doses will facilitate faster healing time, however.” That was new. “Where do I find more doses?” “Unknown.” Sassi looked at the box where she had found his replacement medical cartridge, the current one in use thankfully still above ninety percent. There were a few slots for syringes, which the mare found rather odd. As to what they could have held, she didn’t know. The slots were empty after all. But, good to know. If the company was trying to make the RASP treatments widespread, it made sense to incorporate the two aspects of it across a Silo. The small smattering of supplies grew into a decent pile, Sassi finding some more medical packages and kits. There was plenty of rubbing alcohol, so that could sterilize any wounds or equipment if needs be. As she munched on a ration bar, the mare frowned on examining their food stores. Taking in thrice as much food and water meant their rations were almost gone. And that was without Astral having eaten much. She made sure to keep a good day or two stored for him. What made matters nearly unbearable was that Sassi knew where there would be supplies. She couldn’t go there yet. But within the next day, she’d have to face those rooms again. The room was scoured again for supplies, but unlike the previous medical center, this one was neatly organized. There weren’t many areas for overlooked odds and ends to hide. Either way, at least there was some bottled water. Sassi certainly didn’t trust the tap as a source, especially with the fungus creatures about. With the essentials taken care of, that, unfortunately, left time for Sassi to think. She wanted to sleep, she needed to catch up on some actual rest. But it was fleeting and refused to wrap the mare up in its comforting embrace. She did doze though, and a memory broke through the cold sweat of a command-spell memory. Sassi looked up at Flask, the stallion gently cradling the filly in his embrace. Bandages were wrapped around the mare, a few of them stained with blood. “Why do I have to do this? It hurts. Why can’t I play with other kids more?” She asked. Flask frowned, his gaze genuinely troubled. “You have two purposes here, Sassi,” he explained, the Thestral’s ears perking up. “One of them is to protect the Silos, to go through with these trainings and treatments so you can do that job as best you can. It’s going to hurt, but I can’t change that. Neither can you. But you’re stronger than anyone else here, and you can push through what nopony else can. That’s why you have to keep doing the sessions, as painful as they are.” The stallion took a deep breath, a brief swipe of his forelimb carrying away a few rebellious tears. “I’m sorry, Sassi. I wish I could change that, to make it hurt less. I’m sorry, but I promise to be here for when it hurts, no matter what.” The filly nodded, her father’s embrace a comforting relief. She finally looked up again, brow furrowing in thought. “What about the second purpose? You said there were two.” That made Flask smile, eyes lighting up in a way that made Sassi pay extra attention. “That, Sassi, is a really special one. It’s one you can’t tell anyone about though, not for a long time,” he explained. “That purpose is for you, and only you to find out. It can be anything you want.” “Anything?!” “Anything,” he said with a grin. “You can be whoever you want, but the Silos have to come first, at least for now. Even if you have to do your job, don’t let that second purpose die out. Make sure you find out what’s right for you, and keep it alive in secret. Write a book, or read dozens of them. Learn about plants or how to build a cabinet! Whatever type of pony you want to be outside of the silo, that’s your second purpose, just for you.” The filly smiled, that thought clearly cheering her up. Sassi’s demeanor then shrank slightly. “Will I ever leave the silo?” she whispered, “I want to see outside more. To explore it. Can that be a purpose?” “I think so,” Flask said slowly, “at least for some school. But after that, it’ll take a long, long time for that chance to come again. I’ll try to help, but I don’t know if I’ll be successful. Your dad isn’t the most popular down here.” “I think he is.” Flask hugged her with a soft laugh. “Well, I appreciate it. I can promise that I’ll try to give you a chance to explore that idea. Until then, figure out who you want to be. Eventually, find creatures who like that part of you. Not just the silo part, but everything you are or want to be. When you find those creatures, don’t ever let them go.” A kink in Sassi’s neck made her mumble, the mare shifting sleeping positions on the floor, curled up on the tile. Her eyes drifted over to Astral, her father’s words echoing in her mind. I won’t let him go. The mare woke up in a familiar moonlit meadow. To say the lucid dream had her a bit weirded out was an understatement. It didn’t feel like a dream. It was as if she closed her eyes, and woken up a million leagues away. Then again, stress and trauma could do weird things. If this was some psychosomatic response, she’d take it. She sat up, the long grass glowing a soft teal as the winds blew through it. The vegetation brushed against her sides, yet was easily flattened under her hoof. The air was warm but cool enough to enjoy without the worry of working up a sweat. There were trees all around the meadow, tall pines casting long shadows across the grass. Oddly, it felt peaceful rather than foreboding. Sassi couldn’t remember the last time she wasn’t worried about something. Here, it was just the trees, the grass, and… She blinked, a familiar figure trotting towards her. Now sporting medical crystals on his chest, sides, and barrel, Astral smiled at her. “Hey, Sassi,” he said, green eyes shining in the moonlight. Unable to speak, the mare shook her head, trotting forwards to wrap him up in a hug. The two of them scooted closer, Astral rocking her back and forth. “I’m so glad you’re ok,” he whispered, muzzle nuzzling her cheek, tracing down her neck. “I wish I could thank you for saving me. But I need to apologize first…” An odd thing for a dream to say, but Sassi didn’t mind. Clearly, she was still processing Astral’s- “I hope you’ll hug me like this when I wake up,” Astral whispered, his sides shaking. “I never wanted to hurt you. But that evil spell. I didn’t know what else to do!” The winds blew a bit colder at that, Sassi shivering. Maybe this could give her a chance to practice what to say. “It wasn’t you,” the mare managed to whisper, still enjoying the sensation of Astral’s cheek rubbing her own, a warm connection amidst the cold wind. “It never was you.” “Hmm?” Sassi felt a few tears in her eyes, but the Thestral could only smile. It wasn’t from frustration or fear. She just felt happy. How could Astral ever think it was him? The only way that’d be possible is if he didn’t know how much she cared. And Sassi wanted to fix that, dream or not. Pulling back, Sassi made sure to catch dream-Astral’s gaze, gently reaching forward to give him a tender kiss. Even in a dream, she loved how he immediately returned the gesture. Not too fiercely, but giving her the chance to pull away. If this is how it feels in a dream, I can’t wait until I can kiss you when awake. When it’s real. She pulled back, reaching a hoof down to rest against a part of the stallion’s non-crystal chest. “I had a nightmare about the command spell,” Sassi explained. “But it wasn’t about you. You’re the only creature I’ve ever felt safe with even with the spell. I knew you’d never do anything to hurt me.” A smile slid onto Sassi’s face as she wiped away a few tears, now getting annoyed at them obscuring her vision. Why was she crying so much? “I trust you. Spell or not.” I just hope you wake up soon so I can tell you that. Astral’s reply was to lean down and hug her, sides shaking with relief. “I hope that’s the case. I’ll have to ask the real you when I wake up.” Sassi stiffened, thoughts grinding to a halt. “…What?” Astral pulled back, a sad tint to his handsome features. “This is just a dream, after all,” he explained, a hoof touching the crystal on his chest. “I’m still unconscious on that table. I don’t know when I’ll wake up and be lucid. I’m just happy I get to hug you, even in a dream. I certainly know the real Sassi wouldn’t kiss me that fast.” His expression dropped to an adorable pout. “Even though I’d like nothing more.” The mare wasn’t sure whether to be shocked or offended. A fair part of her wanted to prove exactly how wrong Astral was. The surprise of everything won out. “But this is my dream,” she explained slowly. “You’re the dream. Not me.” The stallion looked at her, perplexed at the mare’s words. “No, you’re in my dream,” he said slowly, looking around, eyes then settling on Sassi. “You’re not real.” Sassi let out a frustrated huff, walking over and poking Astral in the chest. “I’m real. You’re not!” There was another solution, one that both Thestrals arrived at about the same time. “Could we both be right?” Astral asked, looking at Sassi, a bit of excitement now breaking through his gaze. “But how do I know you’re not just some dream? Sassi wouldn’t have been so…” “Cuddly?” Astral stared, slowly nodding. “Among other things.” “Unless that’s how I want to be,” Sassi whispered, her voice quivering. “I can be anything in a dream. Even something I can’t do in the real world just yet. That carries over to a lot of stuff.” She poked him with a hoof again. “I’m real. And I don’t know when I’m going to wake up. But I don’t want to wake up! So let this dream just keep being happy and…and…” Sassi had no more tears, her sides simply shaking. Why did even her dreams have to throw her such ridiculousness? Couldn’t she just enjoy things for a bit? “Sas?” Astral asked, the mare’s head lifting. “I promised I’d never leave you alone. That applies here too. Assuming this is real?” Her head pounded, the mare leaning into Astral’s hug. “This is too much,” she whispered, “I just want to not think about everything for a bit.” “Then don’t,” was the stallion’s reply. To Sassi’s surprise, she felt his sides shiver, a bit of dampness wetting her cheek. “But if this is real, I’m just so glad you’re ok.” She pulled back; the mare’s troubles were forgotten. Two shimmering green eyes looked back at her, Astral’s lips quivering. “I couldn’t think too much when I first woke up,” he said, voice shaking. “But I’m finally realizing you’re safe. That I got you out.” A smile pushed away any of Sassi’s darker thoughts. How could she dwell on her troubles when this pony had thrown himself into the jaws of the Silo to rescue her? She had her trauma to deal with. But this pony had stared death in the face for her. Sassi wasn’t about to ignore everything Astral had gone through. Not again. Not after everything he did for her. That’s not what you do when you love someone. I remember. Refocusing, Sassi gently reached a hoof around to pull Astral a bit closer. “You did so much for me, Astral. I still don’t know what to think. It doesn’t make sense to me. The modifications, all that for me?” she muttered, head shaking back and forth. It was a statement of partial truth. She hoped for a specific answer. “You do crazy things for those you care about,” he said with a smile, shifting into a more comfortable position on his haunches with a sigh. “Not sure how I can be tired in a dream…” “Then just rest. I can sit here focusing on happy things, and you can know I’m ok.” She felt Astral smile, the stallion gently nuzzling her cheek with his. Had he always been so cuddly? Romantic? “I like that plan,” he murmured, nestling his head on Sassi’s shoulder. The stallion sighed happily as the mare spread a wing over him, snuggling closer. Sassi made a mental note to ask the real-world Astral if he was naturally this snuggly. Because she liked it. …a lot. But for now, the mare let her mind drift. There was no trauma, no flashbangs of evil thoughts. There was just a stallion she loved dozing on her shoulder, his sides rising and falling against hers. Despite it all, she felt peaceful. Even if it was just a dream. Sassi jerked awake, the mare blinking as she looked around. A few hours had passed, and the initial surprise quickly wore off. Another one of those weird dreams. But assuming Astral would be lucid soon, she could ask. Of course, the mare assumed it was just her way of coping with the trauma and fear of losing the stallion. An elaborate way to stave off a total breakdown. If those dreams had been shared, that was a totally different matter. Especially since we kissed. Ohmygoshweactually- Sassi’s brain spun into overdrive, the mare’s cheeks burning. She hadn’t thought about that. “Sassi?” came a bleary mumble. “Uh, I can’t turn my head, so…not sure if you’re here.” “Astral?” Trotting over to him, Sassi was greeted by an clearly exhausted but lucid stallion. “Heya, Sas,” he mumbled. “My body is really heavy. Probably should flip over. Starting to ache.” “Well, let’s get that taken care of first.” With a few heaves, Sassi rolled the armored stallion over, Astral letting out a sigh of relief. “Much better. Thanks,” he yawned. “Anything different?” “We’re deeper into the Silo. The armor moved you along when you weren’t lucid. I fought off a horde of those freaky Fonys and the giant spider creature,” Sassi explained. “Fonys?” “Fungus-pony, remember?” He chuckled at that, a grin lifting Sassi’s spirits. “Ah, right. Well, I like it. Obviously, we’re in a new medical center…” “Yep. And this is our new base. Hopefully, until you heal more. I may have to go scavenge for supplies, but we’ve got a day or so until that. How are you doing?” “Woozy, but present. Are there any ration bars or water left?” She was about to help Astral eat, but the smirk on his face made the mare pause. “I’m not that out of it, Sassi. But I appreciate it,” he chuckled. “Not that I’d complain. Being fed delectable ration bars by a gorgeous mare?” The pout on her face lacked any venom, Sassi put the supplies in his grasp. “Clearly you’re back to some semblance of normal.” Eating and drinking slowly, Astral managed a shrug. “Dunno about that. This is all pretty weird. I go to sleep, have weird dreams, and when I wake up, everything is different. Well, other than you.” “Speaking of dreams, I’ve got an odd question for you,” Sassi said cautiously. “I’ve had some strange ones too.” “Well, we’re both stressed. Dunno about you, but I’m so pumped full of chemicals that my body feels weird.” “What do you remember about the dreams?” The pointed question made Astral pause. “It’s mostly clear, actually. I seem to remember these dreams. You were there,” he mused, “it was so odd, because you kept trying to convince me that I was the dream pony. So, we went back and forth…for…a bit…” his voice trailed off as Sassi’s cheeks lit up a bright pink, the mare unable to meet his gaze. “That was a dream, right?” he asked. “I don’t know,” Sassi whispered. “All I know is that I remember the same thing.” A matching blush flared up on Astral’s cheeks, the stallion blinking. “Um, wow, ok,” he stammered. “I don’t know what to say.” “Maybe we start from the beginning?” Sassi asked, walking over and laying her head down next to him. “I wanted to tell you that the command spell wasn’t about you.” Astral’s green eyes widened. “I remember that. That it wasn’t my fault?” “Exactly. You make it all better, command spell included,” Sassi confirmed. “So, we did share dreams then. That’s-I don’t know what to think,” she huffed. “Did we kiss in your dream too?” Her face lit up in a bright pink, Sassi sputtering as Astral grinned at her. He pushed his head forward slightly, gently touching her nose with his. “I take that as a yes. Well, I just look forward to that experience in the real world. Let’s just call those practice?” Astral suggested to the flustered mare. “Since we both thought it was a dream?” A soft squeak was Sassi’s reply, the mare hiding behind her bangs. A soft nudge on her nose made her eyes drift over to Astral. Her heart was already pounding in Sassi’s chest. The look in Astral’s eyes, however, made the warmth spill over from the bottom of her hoofs up to Sassi’s ears. There was nothing but love behind Astral’s gaze, a tenderness that she hadn’t seen in the stallion before. “Whenever you’re ready, Sassi,” he whispered, “but not before. I’m not going anywhere. And I’d do it all again for you, kiss or not. Even if we thought it was a dream, I meant every word.” Her eyes closed, enjoying the simple, chaste touch of her nose against his. Such a simple thing, and yet it meant volumes. “You’re amazing, Astral,” she finally whispered, a soft huff of amusement from her stallion making the bangs move aside. “There’s just a lot to unpack from all of this.” Especially since I was the one kissing you each time. You always waited before returning it, making sure it was ok. “How about we start with how in the world we share dreams? That’s not normal.” A nod was Sassi’s reply, but she let out a rebellious sigh. “Yeah, but I want to stay like this for a bit.” “No complaints.” No more words were said for a time, but Astral’s next question made it clear what his thoughts were grinding away at. “Skitters have a hive mind, right?” he asked, Sassi nodding. She rose from her position, hopping up onto the bed next to him and settling down next to him. Judging from the slight smile, Astral appreciated it. “They do. A rudimentary form. I don’t know much outside of that,” Sassi mused. “And the modification serum has Skitter genetic stuff in it, right?” he added, the mare letting out a soft huff. “I see where you’re going with this, and I guess maybe?” Sassi mused, her eyes then widening. “Wait. I think you’re on to something.” “I am?” he seemed genuinely surprised. “I was just trying to find any sort of connection…” “No, like, when you were loopy.” “Loopy?” Oh yeah, I haven’t told him about that. “Your uh, not-so-lucid moments were interesting,” Sassi explained, “you were rather interesting due to the painkillers and other drugs. It’s becoming less and less, but it’s rather funny.” Astral let out a groan at that. “Nothing bad!” Sassi explained, “but amusing. Multiple times though, you mentioned how you knew I was sad because you could feel it.” A curious hum was Astral’s reply to that, the stallion thinking. “I do feel something else rather weird,” he mused. The stallion’s cheeks then lit up. “In…an emotional sense.” That clarification didn’t help the pink on Sassi’s cheeks. But at least Astral was able to joke. Her stallion was getting back to some semblance of normal. Her stallion. “W-what do you mean?” she asked. The mare admitted that there was another awareness tickling her mind. A simple happiness that didn’t feel normal. It wasn’t her being happy. Instead, it was similar to the glow one received at seeing a best friend being joyful. Not your own, but recognizable. “I mean, maybe we have like, our own hive mind? Ish?” Astral suggested. “It’d explain the dreams and weird emotional connection.” A familiar, cheesy grin twitched at his tar-stained lips. “Other than the fact I’m head over hooves for you, that is.” A soft chime interrupted the mood, which was probably a good thing considering how flushed Sassi’s face was. I’ve missed this. Yet through the affection in her stallion’s eyes, the mare could see the twinges of pain. He was putting up a front. That’s not how I want things to be. Reaching over to snag another dose; one of the final syringes, Sassi gently injected the dose into one of the armor’s ports. “You’ve been doing that when I’ve been out?” he asked, wincing slightly. “Like clockwork. Vial left some recorded instructions. You’ve only got a few more doses left, but apparently more could speed up the healing,” Sassi explained. “That’s what the AI said at least. How’re you feeling now?” Astral didn’t reply immediately, instead curling up ever so slightly. “A bit cold. Not feeling the best. It’s gotten worse since I woke up,” he murmured. With a gentle movement, Sassi reached over to hold his hoof. He’s shaking. “Astral, I’m going to be a bit of a mess on and off for a long time. Both in and out of the Silos,” Sassi said softly. “But you already saved me, and I’ll be alright. It’s my turn to take care of you now, ok?” Something darted into Astral’s gaze as he nodded ever so slightly. Sassi felt a twinge of anxiety and fear, but it wasn’t her… He was hiding it. To protect me. “Didn’t want you to worry,” he whispered. “Well, I’ll worry more if you come off as all fine. You shouldn’t even be this lucid after what you went through,” Sassi said back, a bit of firmness entering her tone. “Don’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. Will you let me take care of you?” “Was I that obvious?” “No. I…” She blinked, the two of them staring at each other. “I guess I felt it? Saw something in your eyes. And then anxiety and fear. I put two and two together after that. I think that hive mind theory has some weight to it.” “Feels weird,” he added. “A bit. But you never answered my question.” Astral was quiet, and Sassi felt his hoof tighten around hers. “It’s hard to let go,” he croaked, a dry cough making Astral wince. “I had to get you safe. Had to keep you safe.” “And now I am, thanks to you. You’ve helped me,” she paused, leaning down to bump his nose with hers again. “Will you let me do the same?” Two green eyes softened under her gaze, Astral nodding. “When you put it like that, I feel like quite the idiot.” “But you’re my idiot. And I do like how I feel safe with you. But your job is to get better right now.” “I can handle being your idiot for a bit,” he murmured. “Everything is starting to ache.” “AI? Reason for that?” A projected hologram above the helmet (placed on another bed,) answered that question. A series of graphs, but the large text was simple enough to read. ‘Painkiller dosage limits reached. Continuing to maintain.’ “Well, if I’m already on pain meds, this is going to be awful,” Astral muttered, “and that’s assuming I don’t go loopy again.” “Loopy you isn’t that bad. Just funny. You can sing really well.” Astral let out a groan at that, Sassi smiling and spreading a surprisingly-clean blanket over him. “Just rest, Astral,” she said, resting a hoof gently against his cheek. “You gave everything to keep me safe. Let me return the favor. I was made for that purpose, after all.” The piercing gaze from Astral made her pause. “Not your only purpose,” he muttered, “but I get it.” ‘When you find those creatures, don’t ever let them go.’ She brushed his mane back, tenderly tracing down Astral’s cheek with a hoof. “You’ve helped me learn who I am again, outside of that purpose, Astral. Just focus on getting better, and I’ll handle everything else. Now it’s my turn.” “Yes M’am,” was his soft reply, the stallion dozing off. Sassi watched over him for a few more moments, eyes occasionally flickering to the vitals displayed in the air above the helmet. I’m a mess, but that’s not going to change for a while. You risked death, and everything up to that just to save me. I don’t know if I believe I’m worth that, but I believe you. Just hang on. I’m not letting you go either. Sassi stared at the barricaded door. She had been doing so for the past five minutes. So much for psyching myself up. With Astral having woken up again and eaten, their supplies were even lower. Her estimates had been off. There were now two ponies eating three times the average creature. That means I need to get supplies today. Soon. They had enough for today; but the sooner Sassi got the supplies, the better. Or rather, as soon as she found out if there even were supplies. If Astral didn’t get food into him, then things could get dicey. The modifications relied on a healthy individual, not one who was slowly starving. And the two of them would starve faster than a normal pony. The supply closet is behind those rooms. Even if it’s empty…then I know we need to move. But that means I’ll be out of commission the rest of the day. That wasn’t something Sassi was looking forward to. The memories already were so near the surface. Is Astral worth it? That mental statement made the mare move her hooves with an angry growl at herself. Of course, he was worth it. A bit of trauma to save his life? No question that I’ll do it. Years of living in this nightmare, and if we get out of here and I can wake up each day knowing he’s there, it’d be worth it. Her hoof froze on the barricade. The oddest sense of something humming through the mare’s frame. She’d never thought that before. Ever. Having Astral…makes it all worth it. The fear, anger, and helplessness were replaced by a sense of peace, a simple calming of Sassi’s thoughts. It felt rather lovely. Very strange, but good. Knowing that good could combat the bad in her life was freeing, in an odd way. Even if it was a healthy part of a healing process, Sassi couldn’t dwell on it. She pushed through the doors; the second helmet providing motion-tracking while the mare was gone. She moved quickly, hooves trotting over the tile until the Thestral arrived at the doors. Sassi didn’t let herself think about it- simply pushing into the hall after a scan. Up, down, left, right…clear. Straight down the hall. Past the rooms, to the right. Up, down, left, right…clear. Her head still scanned the area for hostiles, but Sassi didn’t let herself dwell on the details of the place. The supply closet loomed. The doors opened, and Sassi continued to scan. The emergency supplies should be right- No. Everything was in the closet, just like the dozens of copy-and-pasted layouts throughout the silo. Everything except for the emergency kit. There was even a dust-free area of the shelf where a box had been, but it was gone. All that was left in the closet was spare equipment parts and expired medications- none of which Sassi dared touch. Her mental defenses failed, the mare staggering out of the closet. Flashbangs of memories mixed with reality as she passed by each modification room. Sometimes she was looking in and seeing herself. Her heartbeat thundered in her ears. Sassi staggered out into the hallway, forcing one hoof in front of the other. We’ll need to move again. She made it back to the medical bay, the barricade quickly being replaced. The mare slumped to the floor, the cold tile dulling the memories and horror that began to surge, overwhelming her mental tidal barriers. Perhaps a cold shower would help, but the mare couldn’t muster the strength to do so. There was one thought that kept her at least somewhat present to reality, forcing herself to acknowledge what happened; one of the most painful parts of healing. Astral is worth this, the pain of healing from it all. There was another thought, a far more productive and healing one. It was a whisper, and Sassi wasn’t sure if she was even the one thinking it as she lay on the floor in a daze. I’m worth this. Astral yawned, immediately wincing at the dull ache that infested every muscle and bone. If not for the painkillers, he’d be in utter agony, or so he guessed. As it was, his stomach twisted into knots. No nausea, but an abrupt burp expelled a familiar, tar-like substance. I’m so tired… He blinked, trying to get his bearings…before realizing that all he could see was darkness. Panic started to set in- was this another dream? “Sassi?” he asked, voice shaking. The stallion was unable to move his limbs, which now were starting to throb with an increasing pain as a cold sweat broke out across his body. “Sas?” “I’m here, Astral.” The voice was monotone, Astral’s heart spiking with worry. Something was up… “Well, I can’t see.” Sassi glanced at the vitals on the helmet’s projected display, the mare forcing her sludgy thought process into some semblance of logic. “Delayed reaction to the huge doses of Spider venom if I had to guess. AI says temporary blindness may occur throughout your recovery.” Astral sighed on the medical bed, curling up underneath the blanket, even though the armor itself was insulating. “I’m not feeling so hot,” he muttered. I’m sorry. Guilt pricked at Sassi’s heart. All she had done, all she could do right now was lie on the tiled floor. Standing up made her head spin with flashes of a different tiled ceiling, syringes dumping chemicals into her veins as Sassi was unable to scr- “You still there?” Astral asked, his voice shaking a bit more. “Huh? Yeah?” There was a long pause. “It’s been a few minutes. Didn’t say anything.” Another stab of guilt. The continued exhaustion didn’t help Sassi’s emotional or logical batteries at all. “Sorry. A bit distracted, Astral.” “I can tell.” The Thestral then coughed, drawing in a shaky breath. No more words were said for a time, the two of them dozing. With a shiver, it was Astral who spoke again, this time his voice soft and shaky between chattering teeth. “T-this…is pretty awful,” he whispered. “Don’t suppose I could borrow your hoof for a bit?” The guilt made tears stream from Sassi’s eyes. He had been so quick to offer the same gesture to her. But the thought of any physical contact made the mare’s skin crawl, stomach clenching in knots. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I….” her words faded, the mare shaking her head. “I can’t right now, Astral.” There was a pause, the only sound being the chattering of Astral’s teeth, which only drove the knife into Sassi’s heart further. “Alright,” he finally said softly. “That’s ok.” Sassi could only get out a few more whispered words. “No, Astral. It’s not.” Sassi jerked awake, the mare’s breath quickening with an anxious gasp before settling down. No motion triggered alarms, and I slept for a few hours. That was the only thought she was able to form before the guilt made her throat close with emotion. Astral. Trotting over to him, Sassi looked down at the sleeping Thestral, her hoof shaking as she held his. But not when he needed it. Astral had needed her, and she had failed. Why does he even put up with this? With me? What kind of partner doesn’t… It wasn’t a simple answer. Logic and emotion clashed to a stalemate, Sassi forcing herself to organize the supplies to stay busy. But that didn’t take too long. There was a simple shower area at the back of the medical center, and Sassi dragged herself there. She had avoided it at first, simply due to the hassle. But now as the cold (and thankfully clean) water drenched the mare’s fur, a bit of normality returned. Being cold was easy, the water a sensation to focus on rather than everything else. It had been too much of a hassle to consider previously; now she just didn’t care. Being clean was a nice bonus. For now, the simple act of letting the water cascade over her shoulders and wings was enough to put Sassi a bit at ease. I wonder if I’ll ever see the ocean? Sassi had traveled a bit during her time above ground but never had been able to go enjoy the waves. It sounded blissful. If a shower could ground her, then what could the push and pull of waves do? I wonder if Astral likes the ocean? As Sassi turned off the water, her thoughts started to turn darker. The ‘if he wakes up’ thoughts began to form, but then they were abruptly shattered. Why don’t I ask him? The dark clouds in Sassi’s mind began to be Swiss-cheesed by brighter thoughts. Astral wasn’t dead, not yet. And she’d fight to keep him that way. We’ve come this far. A smile, small and tentative, but a smile nonetheless dawned on Sassi’s face. A glance at a mirror made that gesture grow even more. A mare looked back at her. Wet bangs fell in front of her eyes, and despite the exhaustion and contained fear, there was a brightness behind the Thestral’s gaze. I’m not ok, but I’m still me. And that seems to be enough for Astral. I can work with that. The oddest sensation of pride flickered in Sassi’s chest as she trotted back over to Astral. She was smart enough to know that this was part of healing and part of growing. I’m starting to be…me. Even if most of it can’t heal until I’m out of this place, I feel better. An odd realization considering the nightmares from the previous day. And yet it was true. It was a conundrum Sassi couldn’t face alone. How could something so painful be good? Could painful things result in good things? More and more thought about the matter indicated a very clear answer of ‘yes.’ One of those answers was currently on the medical table. I guess those books were right. It’s hard to love someone when you don’t love yourself. But I’m trying. And maybe Astral is right. I trust that he is. “Sas?” Speaking of… Sassi trotted over to look at the sleepy stallion, gently nuzzling his cheek before she even registered what she was doing. “Um. Hi? Can this be a new normal?” the cheeky Thestral asked, a tired smile immediately blossoming onto his face. I make him smile. Another positive ray punched through the gathering clouds, Sassi resting her head against his for a brief moment to collect her thoughts. “I wouldn’t mind,” she finally said. “You’re happy,” was Astral’s soft musing with a tired smile. “Weird sensing it again?” “Nah. Can see it in your eyes this time.” Sassi let out a huff, still enjoying Astral’s cheek brushing against her one. “You are a lot more romantic than I gave you credit for.” “Never really had anyone to be romantic with. Not like this. I mean, a mare feeding me rations, keeping me safe from freaky fungus creatures,” Astral mused with a grin, the stallion looking up at the ceiling. “And finding five-star accommodations as well! I have a reason to be romantic.” Despite the joking, Sassi picked up on the truthful tone of Astral’s words, mainly in the first part. She filed that away for the future. “Well, how are you feeling currently? You’re on the last treatment dose, and then anything after that is a bonus.” Astral paused, his ears flattening. “Pretty cruddy, honestly,” he muttered. “Everything hurts, and the world is kinda fuzzy and wobbly.” “AI? Is that all normal?” Sassi asked, eyes glancing over to the helmet on the bed next to Astral. The helmet flashed, a rather lengthy message scrolling across the projected, mid-air screen. ‘Primary user’s vital signs are within expected range of the post-treatment side effects. White blood cell count is slightly elevated. Recommended action: Clean the user and inside of armor systems with antiseptic and water to reduce chance of exterior infection. If sufficient vita-foam reserves remain, RASP systems will encase the user in an aerosolized antiseptic layer. Reactor must remain near the user. Re-attach medical countermeasure dispensing system after the user is dried off.’ “I assume the AI is project something? I can’t really move to see it. Everything’s blurry,” Astral muttered. “Well, it’s better than what it told me earlier. I could barely make heads or tails of it. This message basically told me to give you and the armor a more thorough shower. White blood cell count is a tad high. Then you get a foam body suit when back in the armor,” Sassi relayed, sitting up to stretch. “Oh joy.” “To the foam suit or the shower?” Two green eyes flickered over to Sassi. Despite the pain in their depths, a familiar, determined and joyful light refused to be extinguished. “These aftereffects are awful, Sassi. But I’d never refuse a shower with you.” The mare’s face immediately lit up with a bright blush, Astral cackling with a pained wince. “W-worth it!” he crowed, Sassi glaring at him. “You…that is not fair,” she grumbled. Even her poor attempt at pouting was immediately washed away by the affection in Astral’s eyes as he looked at her. He clutched his chest, coughing up some familiar black tar. “You said I get a flirting pass. So, I’m going to use it,” the stallion managed to say with a slight grin. “Probably can’t laugh more than once a day. Ow…” “I’m just happy you’re back.” Her soft and sincere tone made Astral’s expression soften. The mare queried the AI for a few specifics before scooting to sit next to the bed again. “Well, the AI said it’d be good to get up and walk. Not a lot, but since your treatment is basically done, it can help keep everything in the right place.” “That sounds ominous,” Astral muttered. “It used a few more fancy terms that went a tad over my head earlier. Something about internal organ displacement. Having to run from those creatures earlier apparently shifted stuff around. So, the no-movement regiment changed to ‘a smidge of movement.’” “I like my liver where it’s at. Ok, so walking it is.” “You can get out the armor completely, but the reactor has to stay nearby,” Sassi instructed as she helped pull off the various pieces carefully. “It can still pump magic into the crystals on your chest. Not forever, but long enough to get everything clean.” “Not sure if I can stand,” the stallion admitted, “everything feels like it’s full of metal. Heavy.” “That’s why I’m here. Let’s get you up.” The medical bed thankfully still lowered slightly, Astral carefully moving his limbs. They shook violently, the Thestral frowning. “This isn’t going to work. Maybe we should have had the armor walk me over there first?” He let out a yelp as Sassi slid underneath him, the mare heaving Astral onto her back. “Urg. That works too,” Astral sighed. “Feeding me and now carrying me. What’s next? Not that I’m complaining.” “I don’t know. We’ve got plenty of verbs to explore.” Sassi partially regretted the words as soon as she said them. As the mare carefully walked over to the shower area, she heard Astral struggling to keep a soft laugh quiet. “Don’t you say anything.” “I have no idea what you’re t-talking about.” The amused hitch in his tone was more than enough to reassure Sassi that her favorite pony had a familiar smirk on his face. And, looking to her right…he most certainly did. Lowering him down, Sassi carefully pulled back, Astral now standing on his four (quivering) hooves. He hated feeling so weak. It was like his body was made of undercooked pasta. “Well. Let’s try a step,” he muttered, lifting a hoof and putting some weight on it. The appendage almost buckled, but Sassi was at his side to bear some of the weight, Astral leaning against the mare heavily. “Thanks, Sas.” Her reply was a gentle nuzzle on the cheek, and a loving warmth pushed the foul, uneasy feelings out of Astral’s chest for a moment. The reactor set off to the side glowed a cheerful pink, and a ball of emotions clogged up his throat. A few more steps and Astral slumped down onto the shower. Thankfully there were no sharp edges, and a slightly elevated bench area was raised in the middle of the square enclosure. Sassi tested the warm water on a hoof first, making sure it was to his liking. “I never liked cold showers anyhow,” Astral said, Sassi nodding in agreement. “Same. Well, they’re nice when you need to distract yourself from unpleasant stuff. But I’ve gone without hot water before. Not fun.” “Agreed,” Astral added, looking down as blood was washed from his fur. “Huh. I lost a lot of that stuff it looks like.” “I tried to clean you as best I could earlier,” Sassi said softly, the mare’s voice quivering ever so slightly. “You were a mess underneath the armor.” “Still was worth it.” Astral’s affectionate tone abruptly ended with a burp, a ball of black sludge being spat into the drain. “I don’t get how I even have that much to vomit up. I haven’t eaten or drank that amount.” “It’s partially magic. Waste from both biological and arcane processes. So, yeah. It’s disproportionate,” Sassi explained, “I asked the AI a while ago when I was bored.” “Well, nice to know I’m not burping up my bladder or anything.” Sassi continued to rinse the Thestral off with an amused snort, locating a bit of mild soap as well. “Ok, if you soap me down then I will make more jokes,” Astral teased, earning a glare from the mare. He then winced. Sassi watched as Astral’s breathing quickened, the stallion looking around carefully. “Hey, S-sas?” he asked, voice hitching. Without warning, Astral blinked, and everything was gone. There was nothing but complete darkness. “Did your vision go out again?” “Yes. I can’t…it’s all dark,” Astral said, voice trembling. Having his sight removed so suddenly and when his body was so weak; it was a new level of vulnerability, even more so than being on the medical table, oddly enough. A gentle touch grounded the stallion immediately, Sassi giving his hoof a soft squeeze. “I’m right here.” What little strength the stallion had quickly faded, a cold sweat breaking out across Astral’s body despite the warm water. He shivered, Sassi turning up the temperature in response. Stomach twisting into knots, another blob of black tar was vomited up. Astral let out a hiss of pain, his entire body starting to ache. “Astral?” “This…” he couldn’t say any more. All the Thestral could do was hunch over and shiver. The helplessness was nearly overwhelming. It took everything to not give into the fear that dug into Astral’s mind. “I can go ask the AI if there’s a way to up the paink-” Her grip on his hoof lessened, and Astral immediately shook his head. The gesture made pain blossom across the stallion’s entire head. That, coupled with the encroaching fear forced a few hot tears from his eyes. The world didn’t exist outside of Sassi’s grip at that moment. “Please don’t leave me,” he whispered, sides finally shaking with sobs. Everything just hurt, the discomfort having built until cresting over an imaginary dam to crash over his entire body and mind. A soft touch punched through Astral’s muddled mind; a caress against his cheek. Something that didn’t hurt. “I’m never leaving you, Astral,” Sassi said softly, the mare gently resting her forehead against his as the water continued to cascade over the two of them. Her touch pushed away the darker fears, and Astral’s breathing started to slow. Such a simple gesture that managed to yank him back to reality. The gentle, soft touch of Sassi’s lips on his pushed any other thoughts aside. He couldn’t help but smile, pressing back as a warmth shoved aside the fear and terror. The simple, brief kiss wasn’t the same as the one in the dream, but the gesture carried far greater weight. “I’m not leaving someone I love.” Tears brimmed in Astral’s muddied gaze, the stallion still holding her hoof tightly. The pain in his body receded slightly. The areas where the healing crystals were located felt as if they were being warmed ever so slightly. Even though his gaze was black, a pink color crept in at the edges of the stallion’s vision. “You pick now to tell me?” he asked, still unable to stop smiling despite his body aching, a few shivers returning. “I can’t even see you.” “Well, I’ll tell you again when you can,” Sassi said firmly. “I just…I can’t not tell you.” Her voice had an air of trepidation to it. Astral realized he hadn’t responded. “I love you too, Sassi,” he said, enjoying the simple presence of her cheek against his. “Even though everything hurts, this feels so much better than that dream. More real.” A soft squeak made him pause. “Did-was that a shared dream? Did you tell me…?” Another soft kiss on the lips, but this time Astral pushed back a bit firmer, deepening the gesture as much as he could. He finally broke the kiss, body betraying the stallion as his limbs continued to shake. His vision began to return slightly, but that did nothing to stem the tears in the stallion’s eyes. The first thing he saw was a smiling face, two beautiful eyes looking into his. There wasn’t any fear, no suppressed pain in Sassi’s gaze, simply joy and genuine affection. “Sassi.” Half falling into her embrace, Astral hugged the mare as tightly as he could. She returned the gesture, gently rocking him back and forth. “You told me that in that dream. I was so happy. Now…” “It took me a bit to get here,” Sassi admitted, “it’s hard to freely love someone when you don’t love yourself.” Astral pulled back ever so slightly, the mare shrugging honestly. She reached a hoof up to gently rest against the stallion’s chest. The turmoil in her eyes vanished, nothing but love now in their depths as she met Astral’s gaze again. “But you see something in me that I don’t. And I trust you. I’ll try to be the mare you think I am if that makes sense. Until I can believe it myself. I’m getting there, but until then, I’m trusting in you.” A simple nod was Astral’s reply. “Happy to help.” Her smile softened, Sassi now resting her cheek against his. “I know. How could I not love the stallion who took on an entire Silo of creatures to save me? But now it’s my turn to help you.” When Sassi looked back at Astral, there was a brief vulnerability in his eyes. “You already have. There’re some things I’m working towards too.” “Well, I guess we’ve got some time. When you’re feeling better at least,” Sassi said, snagging the soap, “but let’s get you clean.” There weren’t any more jokes as Astral got cleaned off, resilient grime and blood finally leaving his fur and skin. Carefully dried off, the stallion found himself slung over Sassi’s back once again. “Usually it’s the s-stallion who carried the mare over the threshold,” he joked, Sassi letting out a soft snort. “Not just yet, lovercolt.” As he was laid back onto the medical bed, Astral yawned, his ears then perking up. “Wait, what do you mean ‘yet’?” A kiss quieted the stallion, a soft, contented hum leaving his lips. “I really don’t mind this way of shutting me up,” he murmured, exhaustion already creeping into his frame. “But you didn’t answer my question.” “I love you, Astral. I’m not going anywhere. That’s my answer.” Astral was all smiles, even though tar stained his lips again. An emergency blanket covered him up, and his green eyes flickered open again to look at Sassi, a determination breaking through the pain. “I love you too, Sassi. And the same goes for me.” Ignored by the two Thestrals, the reactor next to the stallion glowed a cheerful pink, a warmth radiating from the device that seemed to reach far deeper than skin level. Sassi dozed next to her stallion, the beautiful four-letter word still swimming in her thoughts. For so long, it had been a toxic thing. Something to be manipulated and never taken seriously. But now, with Astral, it felt like it meant something. Her mouth twitched up into a smile, noticing how the reactor only continued to brighten. It felt like something was starting, in an abstract sense. For her, for them. The soft hum in the back of Sassi’s mind were realizations that continued to shore up the new foundations in her heart. The first was realizing that she had made somepony happy. And that it was all worth it. With a rude crackle of static, the discarded helmet abruptly chimed, a disembodied voice softly being broadcast. ‘Attention. Unknown communication detected. Receive?’ “What? Yes, patch it through,” Sassi said, a fair part of her seething that cuddling next to Astral would have to wait. To the mare’s shock, a deep voice sounded out from the helmet’s speakers. “Hello? Is anyone down there?”