//------------------------------// // (29) Curbing Feelings // Story: Wish Fulfillment (Legacy Version) // by Boopy Doopy //------------------------------// It wasn’t long before I was back at our apartment and collapsing into bed tearfully. I hated everything about how that turned out, everything about my interaction with Shorey. Who was I kidding? Only myself. It was going to take forever to be myself, and it was going to be brutal. There was not going to be any easy fix. I was just going to have to deal with it, as Moberly would say. I was going to have to deal with being dysphoric every day and people teasing me about it and snide comments from her about not ‘really’ being a woman. It was going to be terrible. And Shorey and I. Who was I kidding? Clearly there was a reason she never directly said yes before until I pressured her. It’s because we were never intended to be together, simple as that. When would I get it through my head that she didn’t feel the same way?  And it made sense that she didn’t, too. It was obvious with how I acted. I’d been nothing but completely selfish and unlikable since I’d gotten here. Why was I surprised? Don’t get all down about yourself. Don’t fall down that trap. You looked into the Crystal Heart. Your destiny is to be a mare. You’re going to be yourself again. Just hold onto that knowledge and let it keep you going. I didn’t know when I fell asleep, but I woke up to the sound of Moberly and Shorey talking when they came in. Apparently the latter went to the library to work for part of her shift after she finished filling out whatever form she needed to do. I should’ve gone, too. It was a day’s pay that was lost. Another day that I’d have to work to get to Equestria after Shorey forced me to say no. After Princess Cadance just flat out didn’t care. I pretended to be asleep when she came in, but could feel her looking at me as she stopped and stood in the doorway. “Rally, are you okay?” she asked quietly. “No,” I replied, equally as quiet as I looked up at her for a second. “But I don’t want to talk about it.” She sent an extremely sad look my way before turning to leave. She didn’t walk out though, hesitating for a second before turning back and heading up to me. She put her neck against mine and rubbed my side as she silently cried. I didn’t have any more tears to give, however, and so lay there quietly. “You don’t have to do this because you feel sorry for me,” I whispered after a long while. “I’m gonna pull through it. It’s just today’s been the worst day in a long time. Probably about ten years.” “I do feel sorry for you,” she told me, not looking my way, “but I’m doing this because I care about you. Not because I feel sorry.” It was another minute of quietness before I spoke up again. “Listen, I know I’m not entitled to your affection and I’m pushy as fuck for things I can’t have, so if you don’t–” “You don’t have to say what you’re thinking, Rally,” she interrupted, already knowing where I was going with this. “That’s why I used the language I did a couple of days ago. We can just go slow.” “I’m sorry for putting you in this position though.” “You’re not putting me into any position. I said yes. Do you think I’d say yes if I wanted to say no? Am I that kind of pony?” “No, of course you’re not,” I said, the barest hint of a smile forming. “Sorry you said yes to a complete clown show though.” “Have you met me?” she asked with a little smile. “Besides, out of us two, you’re the one who keeps pushing through and persevering when a whole hell of a lot of other ponies would’ve given up. Even when everything keeps pushing you down, you keep getting right back up.” “Because I’m a clown.” “Because you’re strong, Rally,” she asserted. “You’re strong enough to get back up and keep fighting and not settling for what life gives you the way a lot of other people do. The way I did.” “Thank you, Shorey,” I said politely, sniffling but not crying. “Thank you for being here with me. And I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I know I need to be better, and I’m trying to be here… I should’ve stayed to fill out those forms.” “I filled them out for you. I hope it’s okay that I just listed your name as ‘Raleigh Woods’.” “Yeah, that’s fine. I still haven’t picked out a pony name yet. I don’t know if I will either. I just like my name a lot already.” “Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Also, Paper Page excused your absence today and is still giving you this week’s entire pay.” “That’s very considerate of her. I guess that means I’ll have to work extra hard for the rest of this week… I wonder if they have any writing jobs. I bet you and I could make money so much faster doing that.” “I want to look. Something like a newspaper typist would be good. Even better if we’re just self employed and writing our own stuff, but I bet journalists get paid a lot.” “I took a journalism class in highschool, so I would know what I’m doing. It’s not that difficult.” “We’ll look into it,” she said kindly. “But right now, Moberly wanted me to help her cook dinner. Wanna help us?” “Is it okay if I just rest for a while?” I asked. “Yesterday and today just took it all out of me mentally.” “It’s no trouble,” she smiled. “I’ll let you know when it’s ready.” She was nothing but nice, but I was still absolutely angry at her about what happened in front of Cadance. It seemed like we were arguing every few days, which was why I had doubts about any of this working out long term after just two days. Focus on the fact that you’ll be a mare again one day, I told myself. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Just take it slow like she said. I stayed in bed until she called me to dinner, trudging out with my head low as I sat down. I must have still looked depressed, because even Moberly was sending sympathetic glances my way. She didn’t ask about what happened to me, instead opting for small talk. That was about how it went for the rest of the night, and the rest of the week at that. Me being depressed and both of them clearly feeling sorry for me. Sorry enough in fact that Moberly not only stopped her little comments, but flat out just started using she/her on me. It made me feel the littlest bit better, but it didn’t brighten my mood much. I could tell it was affecting Shorey’s mood, too, which only made me feel worse. It was so bad that it ruined the date Shorey and I tried to go on. We weren’t even able to make it to the restaurant because of my mood, only going a few circuits around the block before heading back inside. Needless to say, it was pathetic, both of us deciding to try again later. The next day, Moberly tried to talk to me about how to fix my mood. “You know,” she said, “when we were on Earth, what helped me was looking at the positive aspects of masculinity. Things like being strong, taking charge– the outlook helped me mitigate dysphoria.” “I’m not a masculinity gal,” I replied as I laid on the couch, still in my funk. “Well what I mean is this: look at the positive aspects of your body. You have long hair and a unicorn horn, so both those things should be a start. Orange for your coat is a… kind of feminine color? Plus there’s other things like eating healthy and getting enough sleep and exercising–” “I already do all those things,” I said dismissively. “I go to work and make money to fix this mess I am, so–” “I’m serious, Rally,” she persisted. “Exercising will help you. It helps work out stress. There’s probably a gym around here somewhere to run and work out at, and if there’s not, you can just go outside and run. I’m sure Shorey will run with you if you ask her to since she likes you so much.” I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to work myself out of this funk. “Do you really think that’ll help?” “Yes, I do, and Shorey would agree with me. I know it. It’ll help… don’t you write, too? I know you’re good with music, but if you like to write, that’ll help, I bet.” “Well, I’ll try and do those things again, I guess… not that I have money I can afford to spend on a keyboard or piano, since we only collectively make seventy five bits a week. Not to mention, I don’t wanna take paper away from Shorey to write, and–” “For real, Rally, I understand it sucks, but you complaining about everything and wallowing in depression is not only not helping, but making both of us feel bad. You need to do something to work it out.” “I know, I know. I’ll work on it. But you can understand why it’s depressing, right?” “I can understand why, but you should still be trying to work on feeling better while you wait for whatever you think is gonna happen. Exercising is probably the best first step to feeling better.” That was a true statement. I needed to get out of feeling sorry for myself. It didn’t help when I was a teenager, and it certainly wasn’t going to help now. If exercising would get me out of this mood, then I should get started on that. And seeing if I could find a way to play piano here, and write when I could with Shorey. I needed to buck up again, and focus on the fact that the heart said I was gonna be a mare. This wouldn’t go on forever. “I’ll try to get better. I’ll talk to Shorey today and see if she can. Thanks.” The mare shrugged. “It’s what I’m here for. She should be back from shopping any minute.” Just like she said, Shorey came back with groceries, and I immediately asked her if she would. I knew she would say yes– we were technically dating, and even if we weren’t, she was way too nice to ever say no– but I didn’t expect it to be so enthusiastic. She even offered to have us go out right then, which I couldn’t possibly decline. It helped seeing her smile, something that automatically made me smile too. Running for the first time as a pony felt awful, in terms of physical activity anyway. I had not an ounce of endurance. Walking was easy, but running for longer than a minute at a time was brutal. Shorey had an easier time with it, apparently keeping up the endurance she had on Earth now, and pushed me to keep going. It was about an hour that we alternated between walking, galloping, and trotting, and by the end of it, I was absolutely beat. I did feel a little bit better as I flopped on the couch, I had to admit. I didn’t know what it was about being tried, but it felt like I accomplished something. I knew Moberly wasn’t lying about exercise, but I thought it would have less of an effect than it did after just one time. “That was fucking awful,” I said as Shorey sat down next to me. “I never wanna do that again, but I know I’ll have to. How often do we do this?” “Every three or four days should be good,” she told me. “If you can though, men have better times curbing depression with lifting… or, well, people who use testosterone anyway. If we can find some way to mimic that as ponies, it will help.” “I don’t know about all that. If running works, I just wanna stick to that, but I guess we’ll see… thank you.” “You’re welcome,” she smiled kindly. “I can obviously go out with you to exercise whenever you want to.” That was good. There was only so long I could go with being depressed while Shorey was around. I was still feeling awful though. It was going to take more than one time out to change that. Need to get out of this depressive mood. Running is gonna help, but I need something more. “Hey, Shorey,” I started. “Wanna help me write a few letters?”