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// 6 – Saving You From Myself 
// Story: Can You See What I See? 
// by Avery Day 
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Before Princess Twilight came along and used the power of friendship to pulverize me into a crater, I had a lot more issues than just being an angry bully. Part of what made being a bully come so naturally was my impulsiveness. It’s hard to consider the cause and effect of your actions when there’s no time between when you feel the need to do something and when you act upon that need.

At least with bullying, there were underlying reasons for it: popularity, exerting power over others, and because it was funny. Of course, they weren't good reasons, but I could at least look back and understand why I did what I did. But being a jerk wasn’t the only way in which I surrendered to my impulses.

My impetuous nature led me to developing one habit I wished I hadn’t. One night, when Flash Sentry and I were still in a relationship, I was at a party with him and his friends. We were standing outside on someone’s porch when I saw one of his friends pull something out of his pocket and ignite it with a little plastic thing. At the time, I had no idea what it was. For all the similarities between here and Equestria, I could draw no comparison between this and anything in my homeland.

Instead of asking, I watched him for a little while. I saw him inhale while it was in his mouth, take it out, and, after a few moments, exude smoke from both his lips and nostrils. I was absolutely fascinated. It reminded me of the big, greedy dragons that would sleep on mountaintops in Equestria, their black smoke billowing out from their cave and polluting the sky. I needed to try that myself.

I had no idea who that boy was, but I told him to let me have one of those sticks. To my surprise, he gave me one without issue and even let me borrow his lighter. Without thinking any further, I put it in my mouth, lit it up, and inhaled as hard as I could. That was a horrible mistake for two reasons.

The first and most immediate reason was because that was not how you were supposed to use this thing. My lungs felt as though one of those aforementioned dragons had blown its smoke directly onto me and I could do nothing but choke on the cloud that surrounded me. As I fell into a coughing fit, a few of the others standing around started laughing. The moment I regained my composure, I scowled at them and told them to stop giggling before I made them regret it.

The second reason came after I stopped coughing. I realized how calm I felt compared to how I felt normally. It was a feeling unlike anything I’d felt during my time here. The guy who gave me the stick didn’t laugh, at least. He asked if I had ever smoked a cigarette before, to which I replied by lying; saying I had but it’d just been a long time. I don’t think he bought it, but he was nice enough to show me how to do it properly after that.

After lighting it up and taking a hit properly, I realized it felt even better when I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up after inhaling the smoke. From then until a little while after, I was hooked on the stuff.

It wasn’t long after that I found out how hard it was to reliably get a hold of them, but that didn’t stop me. I used to look around for kids at CHS who had them, and when I found anyone who had any on them, I’d demand they give me their pack and threaten to rat them out for selling them to me if they snitched. Eventually, I was informed just how bad for your health this habit I was developing was, and that it becomes much harder to break the longer you do it. After the Fall Formal, I quickly swore off the stuff as part of my effort to reform myself. For a few months after, I was clean.

Then we had a sleepover at Applejack’s. I was restless and couldn't fall asleep, so I got up to stand out on her porch sometime around one in the morning. That’s when I spotted her older brother, Big Mac, sitting on the porch with a cigarette in his mouth. My mind immediately jumped to the memory of how I felt after I first learned to smoke. So I asked him if I could bum one off of him. At first, he was apprehensive, but after I told him I just needed something to help turn my mind off, he conceded.

Since then, we’ve formed an agreement: he’ll buy me a pack if I ask, but with a triple markup from whatever he pays for it. He says it’s to discourage me from asking him to do it too much since he doesn’t like the idea of me smoking, but I’m sure the money he gets from it is his primary motivation. These things are already ridiculously expensive, and I’d struggle to afford them regularly on my prestigious mall sushi chef wage if I could buy them on my own, but it’s hard to argue with his reasoning. He’s taking a huge risk on my behalf, after all.

Nowadays, I’m a lot more in control of my impulses. Barring any extenuating circumstances, a pack of these will usually last me several months, and that’s because I’ve learned to restrict myself. I only let myself have one, and the only time I allow myself to smoke is when it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep.

And that is what has led me to this exact moment in time.

It’s 3:15 AM and I’m sitting underneath a street lamp in my apartment complex’s parking lot, taking a long drag off of my third cigarette. My eyes remain centered on the freeway in the distance, only moving when a pair of headlights catches my attention. The days are still warm, but the approaching autumn season can certainly be felt at night now. Wearing my leather jacket with a set of ratty pajamas underneath, I look as well put together as I feel. I just want my mind to stop, but it’s been racing since earlier today.

Twilight fell asleep on my couch about four or five hours ago, and from there I hadn’t been able to get my eyes to shut longer than fifteen seconds. I tried breathing exercises, meditation, warm milk – anything I could think of to try and get my mind to slow down and sleep, but nothing worked.

I flicked my cigarette, putting it in my mouth as I fished my phone out of my pocket. I’ve done this exact motion every minute for what feels like several hours, but I’ve only been out here for a little over half an hour. The clock read 3:16 AM now. Time feels fake around now.

The truth was I needed an outlet. I’d done a great job keeping a lid on my anger throughout the day, and that was good. Had me and Twilight's initial conversation about Timber been the beginning and end of it, I might not be out here listlessly pulling my phone out of my pocket every minute while I fill my lungs with tar. But of course, that’s not where it ended.

When Twilight didn’t respond, Timber kept texting her incessantly. I told her to block his number, but she didn’t listen. Instead, she said she wanted to try and reasonably break things off. That went on for a little while, and while I couldn’t tell everything that was said between them, I could tell it was really getting to Twilight. I wanted nothing more than to ask what he was saying to her. But as much as curiosity was killing me, I bit my tongue.

Had that been the end of it, I might have been awake for a little while before rest finally found me. But of course, that would be too easy. Afterwards, he started calling her. I told her to ignore it – block his number. But she thought maybe she could talk some sense into him if they talked over the phone instead of texting back and forth. I wanted to grab her phone and throw it across the room and tell her that was a horrible idea, but once again, I held back.

I really wish I hadn’t.

The last time he called, she finally picked up. When she did, she made her way to my bathroom so she could have some privacy. I tried just sitting on the couch and occupying myself, but as their phone call dragged on and on, I couldn’t help myself. Halfway through their confrontation, I got up from the couch and got closer to the bathroom door to listen in. It made me feel extremely guilty, but it was actually killing me sitting back trying to pretend nothing was happening.

For what it's worth, I couldn’t really make out what she was saying. Even when she was upset, Twilight was still quiet. That was the biggest part of what made it so heartbreaking to listen to. All I could hear were her soft murmurs from behind the door, and while I couldn't decipher her words, I could interpret her tone. Things were escalating, but she refused to raise her voice beyond a hushed volume, as if she was afraid I'd hear her. To me, she had every right to shout at this guy for being such a careless, heartless prick to her, and yet she didn’t.

Eventually, she stopped saying anything, and that's when I assumed the confrontation came to an end. Just to be sure, I waited outside the door for a few minutes before making my presence. Two or three agonizing minutes of hearing her sobbing in the bathroom by herself was almost more than I could take. I wanted nothing more than to kick the door open and squeeze her tight, but I didn’t want to make it obvious how I’d been sitting outside the door eavesdropping almost the entire time.

When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I knocked on the door and asked her how she was doing. There were no words from her end, just more quiet crying paired with stifled sobs. When she didn’t respond, I asked a second time. Once again, nothing. Finally, I warned her that I was coming in, and told her to tell me to stop if she didn't want me to.

Twilight didn't say a word.

As I slowly pushed the bathroom door open, I found Twilight sitting on the toilet lid, her face buried in her hands. The moment I saw her, I hurried over to her and hugged her tighter than I had all day. I didn’t ask her what happened, I didn’t ask what he said to her, I just held her. The awkward angle I was leaning at to hold her was starting to break my back, so I coaxed her up and back to the couch.

Then I just kept holding her. There were no words between us for what felt like hours. I wasn’t keeping track of the time. My mind was completely occupied by two things: trying to calm Twilight down, and keeping a lid on the blood-boiling fury seething under my skin. The former was already a challenge, but the latter was near insurmountable.

After she stabilized, she clued me in on how everything went, but she was very sparse on details. I never learned exactly what he said to her, and when I asked to read the text logs between them, she wouldn’t let me. It was aggravating, but I swallowed my frustration and didn't question it. All I was truly aware of now is that it was over between those two. At one point in time, I'd have been elated to hear that, but considering these circumstances, I couldn't feel even a little happy about it.

For the remainder of the night, I did what I could to help take her mind off of it, and comfort her when she couldn't. It didn’t take long after her conversation with him for her to start dozing off, though. Twilight was very conflict-averse, so getting into a fight like that sapped her of all her energy. Before I made her turn in for the night, she couldn’t stay awake for more than a few minutes, but she was adamant about not going to sleep just yet. Once I got her set up on the couch with a pillow and the blanket I usually sleep under on my own bed, it didn't take long for her to finally give in to her exhaustion. Within minutes, she was out cold. It was so cute. Twilight was so cute. It was almost enough to make me forget how livid I was about everything.

As mentioned before, trying to sleep on my own was impossible. What finally pushed me to come outside and smoke was a near lapse in judgment.

You see, when it’s not around my neck, my medallion sits on the window sill next to my bed. At one point in the night as I tossed and turned, I looked over and saw Twilight’s arm sticking out from under the pillow. Then I looked to my opposite side and eyed my geode. Before my brain could recognize what my subconscious was telling me to do, I shook my head, sat up in my bed, and gave up on resting.

Not only was I furious at Timber for breaking Twilight’s heart, not only was I furious that there wasn’t much I could do to help Twilight other than be a good friend, I was furious at myself for almost doing something that would violate my best friend’s privacy and trust. Yeah, I could have done it – I’d have probably gotten away with it, too. But the fact that my brain even began to put that thought together just enraged me.

I took one last inhale of my cigarette before taking it out of my mouth, squashing the butt into the pavement. Then I fished both my phone and the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket again. It was 3:32 AM, and I was still no less tense than when I came out here almost an hour ago.

As I looked at the clock, I thought about calling Rarity. Since I came out here, I’d been debating whether or not to call her and talk to her about everything. She was aware of most of what had happened, but just through us texting. I didn’t want Twilight to get the wrong idea from me calling her in the middle of me trying to comfort her, or for her to hear me spill all her relationship troubles to Rarity after saying I wouldn't. Maybe I should have called her. Maybe she would know what to say to put me at ease. Ever since our night together, I’d been leaning on her for advice and consolation whenever I needed it. I felt a little guilty, but she never seemed to mind. In fact, she always seemed just as happy to give help as I was to receive it.

In the end, I decided against bothering her at this hour. I pulled another cigarette from the pack, rested the filter on my lips and lit it. Then I stuffed everything back into my pockets. I took the longest drag my lungs would let me.

“I thought you quit?”

The sudden, startling voice caused me to inhale much more than I wanted to. I broke into a coughing fit not unlike the one I had the first time I ever smoked. Once I could breathe again, I registered just whose voice that was. It was Twilight.

“I have,” I replied, my voice strained from choking on smoke. "For the most part, at least.”

Standing up from the ground, I turned and faced her. Her eyes gave me the impression she must not have been awake for very long. She was dressed in only her pajamas, her arms crossed with her hands under her armpits.

“What are you doing up?” I asked.

“Actually, I came out here to ask you that.” There was a tremble in her voice from the cold air.

“I…” Quickly, I realized I didn't have an answer for her. What could I really say? Trying to think of an excuse was proving impossible. After a brief bout of mental floundering, I took a page from her book.

“I’m a bit stressed over something kinda silly, but I’ll be alright," I answered.

Twilight pouted. “If I’m not allowed to use that excuse, you’re not either,” she contested. “If it’s bothering you enough to be up this late, it can’t be that silly.”

Foiled by my own words. Well, it was worth a try. That in mind, I still wasn’t willing to budge.

Taking another drag from my cigarette, I disguised a sigh by exhaling smoke. “You really shouldn’t worry about it. You’ve been through enough today. Plus, it’s too cold for you to be out here dressed like that. I’ll meet you back inside in a little bit, okay?"

I was sure that would work, but Twilight refused to budge either. Her expression only grew more concerned as she shook off her grogginess.

“Just because I’m having a rough time with something doesn’t mean I can’t be there for you, Sunset.” She took a step closer to me. "That wouldn't be fair to you."

There was a pit of anxiety growing in my stomach. Twilight didn’t usually push this much when I declined her emotional support. Still, if there were ever a time for me to hold everything together, it was right now. I couldn’t break in front of her. She needed my support more than I needed hers.

“Look, Twilight, I understand you want to help and I appreciate it, but it's nothing I can't handle–”

“No,” she interrupted. "If you could handle it, would you be out here in the cold smoking at three in the morning? I know there's something bothering you, and I'm not going to leave until you tell me.”

I almost dropped the cigarette between my fingers. My eyes were wide and my jaw hung open. This was something I’d never seen from Twilight. She was never this assertive with anyone, least of all me. Perhaps I should have given in and start explaining, but I just felt cornered.

I took another puff. “Twilight, I’ll tell you more in the morning or something, but right now is not–”

“Sunset, please,” she begged. Her voice was trembling even more now, and I couldn’t tell if it was just because of the cold or because of something more.

For a few seconds, we just stared at each other. Our eyes locked. Both of us standing under this dim streetlight in this dingy parking lot. She wasn’t going to let this go. I wasn’t going to give it up. For the first time since we'd become friends, we were at an impasse.

Even with how cold it was, sweat began to bead on my brow. I wracked my brain trying to think of what to do. Should I really just be honest? Come clean about everything? Should I just tell her that I’m absolutely furious because I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of some random asshole making the love of my life break down? That I’m a bubbling mass of negativity on the verge of a supercritical meltdown?

I was afraid. The last time I showed anger in front of Twilight was technically the first time we ever met. That moment at the Friendship Games, when I yelled at her and berated her so much she broke down. What if I made her break down again? Would I be any better than that prick, Timber? Imagine having both your ex-boyfriend and best friend making you break down on the same night. I could barely even stomach the thought.

But she still wasn’t budging. Twilight was determined to get an answer. Even if it meant she had to stand out here shivering in the cold until the sun rose and welcomed the morning proper. I had to make a decision.

There were no winning moves left. She wasn't giving me a choice, and I couldn’t keep pushing this down much longer. If she wanted honesty, I’d give her honesty. And whatever may come after, so be it.

I took one last drag of my cigarette before dropping it on the ground and crushing the butt under my slipper.

“Fine,” I said, taking off my jacket, “but if you’re going to stand out here, you’re going to wear this.”

It wasn't like I was any more dressed than she was underneath the jacket, but if I was going to make her uncomfortable by exposing her to my volatile emotions, I might as well make sure she’s physically comfortable. I handed her the jacket, and she slipped it on. It was definitely too big for her, but it was kind of adorable seeing her wrap herself in the floppy sleeves of my jacket.

“Look, I’m just… really, really angry,” I stated simply. Then I paused for a moment to consider my next words.

“Why?” she asked.

“A lot of reasons,” I responded. Taking a deep breath, I averted my gaze. I couldn’t stand to look into her eyes with how I was feeling.

“It’s because I’m selfish,” I continued, “You’ve been dealing with Timber all day, and all I’ve been able to do is think about how it makes me feel. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since you told me everything earlier today.”

“How does it make you feel?” she questioned, taking a step closer to me.

“Furious!” I shouted at a volume higher than intended. “When you told me how he was treating you, I was so mad. I wanted to scream. I was ready to explode, and it took absolutely every fiber of my being not to get up from where I was sitting, ride my motorcycle to his house and–”

I paused and looked over at Twilight. From her expression, I could tell I was already going too far. I took another deep breath, attempting to reel my rage back in.

“I wish I had known what he was doing earlier, Twilight,” I fumed, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. “If I knew, I would have never let that happen to you. I would have stepped in and done something about it.”

“But you couldn’t have,” she responded. “Because I was too afraid to tell you. Or anyone.”

“And that's not your fault!” I snapped. “The fact that he made you think it was your fault is part of the problem. It just makes me so… just… Ugh!”

The air was still after my outburst. I turned away from her again and took in yet another deep breath before continuing.

“When he started texting you, I wanted to take your phone away and stop you. I was so close to doing it when I saw how upset it was making you. I don’t know how I stopped myself from taking it when you said you were going to answer his call.”

I was getting into dangerous territory with my admissions. As all my emotions continued to bubble over, I found it impossible to stop myself. She may not trust me after I told her everything, but I had tried my best to warn her. 

“I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I sat outside the bathroom for most of your phone conversation. I promise you, I couldn’t understand a single word you or he said, but I could hear you, and it just… it hurt me. It made me hurt for you. It enraged me!”

I glanced over at her briefly. I was expecting to see any variety of negative looks. Fear, anger, disgust, something to that effect. But she just kept looking at me with concern.

“And what kind of friend am I? What kind of friend shifts the focus of her friend’s problems to how she feels instead? How can I whine about how it hurt me when I'm not the one who got hurt?”

Tears began streaming down my face. “It was so frustrating not to be able to hear how it all went down, and it was even more frustrating that you wouldn’t let me read the texts. And don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to if you don’t want me to – but my mind just won’t let it go, and I don't know how to make it stop.”

“Sunset, I–”

“Do you want to know why I’m out here?” I continued. “It’s because I almost used my geode on you! I almost violated your trust, your privacy, all because of how all that made me feel. Because I can’t control my anger!”

Twilight took another step closer. “Sunset, please–”

I interrupted her again, continuing my tirade. “What kind of friend am I, Twilight? You go through everything you did today, and all I can think about is myself! I’m losing my shit in front of you at four in the morning all because I can’t–”

“Sunset!”

Suddenly, it felt as though time stopped. It hadn’t occurred to me how close Twilight had gotten. During this whole rant, I thought she’d be cowering, recoiling, or backing away from me. That’s why I couldn’t stand to look at her while I went on. Yet here she was, standing firm, less than an arm’s length away. I could see the tears in her eyes shimmer from the dull light of the lamp above us.

As the deafening silence continued, my stomach dropped. I felt like I’d just made the biggest mistake of my entire life as I saw the look on her face. I should have never opened myself up like this. I should have never exposed this side of myself to her. Things were never going to be the same between us and it was all my fault. All I could do was stand there and wait for her to bring the hammer down on me. I just hoped she'd be quick about it.

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” she said.

Her words left me stunned. What did she mean? Was she not listening? I just gave her a list of things I had done wrong.

“I understand why you feel that way,” she comforted, “but you haven't. You’ve been such an amazing friend to me. Not just today, but as long as we’ve known each other.”

I felt shaken to my core. “B-But I just–”

“I know you care a lot about me, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to express how much that means to me” she continued. “But nothing you just told me makes you seem like a bad friend. If anything, it just shows how much you care.”

I stood there, frozen and trembling. It was all I could do. Every bit of rage I felt within me previously was gone and replaced with an undefinable emotion.

“You spent the entire day on me. From the moment you picked me up until I fell asleep, all you did was spend time with and take care of me. Even when I set boundaries that were difficult for you, you respected them without question.”

“But I almost didn’t,” I quavered.

“You’re right. Almost. But you did. And even then, you only wanted to do that because you care about me. But you resisted the temptation to do something you knew you could have done. All because you respected my feelings more than you wanted to know what I wouldn't let you.”

My mind was racing to cobble together a response, but every word I thought of overlapped with the one before and after it. She was right, but it didn’t feel like she was right. Regardless of what she said, I still felt like I’d done something wrong.

Tears flowed from my eyes and down my cheeks again. And as they did, she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight, her lips close to my ear.

“I can’t begin to tell you how much you mean to me. I've never known someone who loves and understands me the way you do, and I can’t express how grateful I am that we know each other. Please, don't be so harsh on yourself, especially when the worst thing you've done is show how much you care.”

It was taking everything inside of me not to break down sobbing. If I was going to lose my shit in front of her like this, I was going to do it respectably.

But then, she hugged me tighter, and said something that finally broke the dam.

“I love you, Sunny.”

My face scrunched up as all the pent-up emotions I’d kept to myself throughout the day flowed out of my eyes all at once. My body almost fell out from underneath me as I sobbed. There were still no words I could think of, but even if I could, I doubt I was composed enough to say them.

Twilight continued to hold me tight as I tried and failed to pull myself together. It was hard not to feel like this arrangement was wrong. I was supposed to be the one she cried into, not the other way around.

But I didn’t question it. It didn't matter who was crying into who, I never wanted her to let go. It didn’t matter that it was four in the morning, I wanted to be awake with her. I didn't care that we were both standing out in the middle of a drab parking lot under the dull light of a streetlamp, I was right where I wanted to be. I was in Twilight's arms, she was in mine.

And she loved me.