Twilight and Spike were sitting at an outside restaurant and were waiting to get served. Twilight looked up from the menu and spotted the waiter serving a pink earth pony and Bon Bon a few tables away.
"Hey, Bon Bon." said the pink pony. "You know what's nice?"
"What is it, Daisy?" sighed Bon Bon.
"Getting food! It's soooo nice when you're hungry and there's somepony ready to give you food!" said Daisy.
"Miss, if you would like to order?" said the waiter.
"In a sec." said Daisy, waving the waiter off. She kept blabbing to Bon Bon. "How rude, right? I'm having a private conversation and that waiter thinks he can just interrupt! It's rude!"
"Miss-" began the waiter.
"HEY!" She shouted at him. "Let me finish!"
"Goddammit, Daisy." groaned Bon Bon. "Just order!"
"But first let me-"
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! JUST ORDER!" screamed Twilight. Everyone in the restaurant turned to stare at her. Twilight smiled sheepishly and said, "Um, sorry."
As the other ponies went back to their food, Spike stared at Daisy and Bon Bon. "I thought Lyra and Bon Bon were a thing? Why's Bon Bon with Daisy?"
"Spike! Focus!" said Twilight.
"I know, I know." said Spike tiredly. "You're hungry, you don't know who to give the ticket to, you're a nerd, blah blah blah." He sat up straighter and asked, "Why don't you just pick someone to give it to?"
"What the hell do you think I've been doing?!" asked Twilight. "I don't want to disappoint anypony!"
The waiter walked over to their table. "Have you made your decision?" he asked.
"I CAN'T CHOOSE, DAMN IT!" yelled Twilight.
"Well, we do have a list of specials on the front of the menu..." said the waiter.
"He just wants your order, Spaz." said Spike.
"Oh...sorry." said Twilight. She looked over the menu. "I'll have a daffodil and daisy sandwich."
"My God," said Spike. He was staring at Daisy and Bon Bon again. "Can you imagine Lyra in the middle of a Bon Bon and Daisy sandwich?" He drooled slightly. "That's hot..."
"I agree, sir, but what would you like to eat?" asked the waiter.
"Hell, I'd-" began Spike.
"I meant your order, sir." said the waiter.
"Oh! Uh..." Spike looked over the menu again. "Do you have anything with gems?"
"I'm not allowed to say what's in the food." said the waiter.
Spike sighed and said, "Fine. I'll have the hay fries. Extra crispy, please."
"I'll do you one better," said the waiter, "How do burnt fries sound to you?"
"Why are they burnt?" asked Twilight.
The waiter sucked in his breath and said, "Welllllll..."
Inside the restaurant's kitchen:
"Derpy!" yelled another waiter. He glared at the cook and asked, "How the hell do you burn a milkshake?!"
A grey, wall-eyed Pegasus glared at the waiter and yelled, "Look! If they don't want their food on fire, then write it on the ticket! Write it on the ticket!"
Back outside:
As the waiter walked away with their orders, Twilight turned to Spike and asked, "What do you think I should do, Spike?"
"I think you should get ready to douse your sandwich." said Spike.
"I mean about the ticket!" said Twilight.
"Oh!" Spike thought for a minute. "Which one is the blue one again? I think you should take him."
Twilight stared at Spike and said, "Spike, that's Rainbow Dash. And she's a girl."
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." said Spike in disbelief. "Sure he is."
"Your food." said the waiter as he dropped the extra burned fries and the still on fire sandwich on the table.
Twilight looked at her enflamed entree and said hesitantly, "Uh...thanks?"
"Show your appreciation with a tip!" said the waiter as he walked away.
"Ok, ok!" said Twilight cheerfully. As soon as the waiter was gone, she mumbled, "Not likely..."
"I don't know what you're complaining about." said Spike as he shoveled the blackened fries into his mouth. "These are delicious!"
Before Twilight could retort, a stampede of ponies ran by their table. "What's that all about?" she asked.
Spike looked around nervously and said, "Sorry, that might of been me. Fries give me gas."
"I don't think it's that, Spike." said Twilight. "Although that does explain the smell..."
"Uh, miss?" came the waiter's voice. Twilight and Spike looked towards the entrance to the restaurant, where the waiter was poking his head out of the door. "Are you going to eat your food in the rain?"
"What rain?" asked Twilight.
"I think he means that rain." said Spike as he pointed a claw.
Twilight looked and saw that it was raining a couple of feet away from them. In fact, she saw that it was raining everywhere except the area around their table.
"What the hell?" asked Twilight.
"I think God wants us to keep eating." said Spike. He grabbed more of his fries. "And I for one say we do as the Good Lord wishes!"
"Hey!" yelled a voice from above.
Spike fell to his knees. "Oh my God, it's God!" He whipped out a small book. "I wonder if I can get his autograph..."
"What?" said the voice. "I-I mean..." The voice got deeper and said, "Spike! I command thee to never brush your teeth and to masturbate daily!"
"Ha!" said Spike. "Already doin' it!"
"Wait a sec." said Twilight. "Who-?" Twilight looked up and saw a familiar blue face. "Rainbow Dash?"
The blue Pegasus poked her head out of a hole in the overcast sky. "Hey super-best-friend-who-I'd-totally-murder-in-order-to-get-that-ticket! Enjoying the sunny day?"
"Rainbow?" asked Twilight suspiciously. "What are you doing?"
"Definitely not trying to bribe you in order to get that ticket, that's for sure!" Rainbow Dash said. She laughed nervously and asked, "Speaking of which..."
"Shut your face!" yelled Twilight. "And while you're at it, shut that hole in the clouds!"
"Fine, fine, I'm going already." said Dash in defeat. She closed the hole in the clouds and the rain instantly poured down on Twilight and Spike.
"Oh well..." said Twilight. "At least my sandwich is..." She was surprised as she looked at her lunch. "...Still on fire? How is that possible?"
Inside the kitchen:
"HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!" screamed a waiter as he stared at the inferno that used to be the kitchen. "DERPY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"
"I don't know!" yelled Derpy. "I just used my special secret ingredient!"
"What ingredient?!" asked the waiter.
"Gasoline." said Derpy.
Back outside:
"Twilight?" said another voice. Twilight and Spike turned to see Rarity. The unicorn had an umbrella attached to a saddle and was staring at Twilight. "Are you aware that it's raining?"
"No." said Twilight sarcastically. "I had no idea that I was sitting in this freezing rain. Thank you ever so much for telling me, Rarity."
"It's no trouble at all, dear." said Rarity. "But you must get out of this rain! Follow me!"
"Do I have to?" muttered Twilight.
Rarity didn't bother to respond. She just grabbed Twilight and headed for Carousel Boutique. Spike grabbed Twilight's sandwich, stuffed it in his mouth, and ran after them.
Once the two ponies and the dragon were inside Rarity's home, Twilight shook herself like a dog to dry herself off. She smiled and turned towards Rarity...who was now sopping wet. "Uh...sorry?" said Twilight.
Rarity forced her face into in unpleasant looking grin. "Oh it's no problem. After all, we are friends, right?"
"Um...yes?" said Twilight.
"And..." began Rarity, "Of course you know..." Her voice took on a seductive tone as she stepped closer to Twilight, "What friends do to each other, don't you?"
Twilight stared at Rarity in shock. "N-no..."
Spike looked at Rarity lustfully. "Yes."
Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. "They..."
"Yes?" asked Twilight nervously.
"Yes!" said Spike.
"They..." Rarity's voice was now a breathless whisper.
"Y-yes?" squeaked Twilight.
"YES!" yelled Spike
"They give each other makeovers!" cheered Rarity.
"Wait...what?" asked Twilight.
"GODDAMMIT!" said Spike.
Rarity used her magic to grab a curtain, blocking her and Twilight from Spike's view. Spike waited and listened to the commotion that was happening behind the curtain.
"Really, dear, this is the best color for you..."
"Wait a second, Rarity!"
"No, no. This is all wrong."
"Eep! Your hooves are cold!"
Rarity moved the curtain back and Spike saw that Twilight was now dressed in a fashionable looking saddle. "Perfect!" exclaimed Rarity. "Fits you perfectly, darling."
Twilight looked at her outfit and shrugged. "It is kinda pretty isn't it?"
"Women and their clothes..." muttered Spike as he rolled his eyes. "You would never catch me going ga-ga over some stupid..."
"And of course," said Rarity, "We need to make an outfit for Spike as well."
"Oh my God, clothes!" squealed Spike excitedly. He realized what he said, and backtracked, "I-I mean, I don't want an outfit! I don't even want to go to this stupid Gala thing."
"Nonsense!" said Rarity. "I have a dandy outfit for my dashing little dragon!" She used her magic to drag the curtain again. Twilight could only hear snippets of what was happening.
"Ow! My tail!"
"Just have to adjust this...straighten that..."
"Is that a wig? What the fu-"
"Hat! This outfit is just dying for a matching hat!"
The curtain moved back once again, and Twilight looked at her assistant and tried to stifle her giggles. Spike was now dressed in a blue outfit with a yellow sash, a blonde wig, and a black sombrero.
"I look like I belong in a gay Mariachi band!" said Spike as he looked at himself in a mirror.
"Oh, you look so handsome!" cooed Rarity. "Don't you think, Twilight?"
"Very dashing!" said Twilight with a straight face. She couldn't hold it, however, and exploded into a fit of giggles.
"I'm headed back to the library..." muttered Spike, whose face was beet red. "I have to reassert my masculinity by thinking about girls and football and-"
"La Cucaracha?" supplied Twilight, who promptly burst into laughter again.
Spike's only response was to strip out of his outfit and run out the door.
"Oh...oh well." said Rarity. "I don't really mind that he doesn't like it. After all, this is all about you, Twilight!"
"You're right!" said Twilight as she looked at herself in a mirror. "This is all about me!"
"Yes!" agreed Rarity. "It's all about you, me, and the Grand Galloping Gala!"
"Right!" said Twilight. "Me, you, and..." Twilight paused. She looked at Rarity suspiciously. "The Grand Galloping Gala?"
"Oh! And would you look at this!" said Rarity. She went over to a mannequin that was wearing the exact same clothes as Twilight. "I even have an outfit that matches yours perfectly! How bizarre!"
"Yes." said Twilight. "Because it's not like you're the one who made them."
"We'd be the belles of the ball! The apples of many ponies eyes! The sluts of the spotlight!" continued Rarity.
"Uh..." began Twilight.
"Everyone would want to know us! Everyone would want to know me!" Rarity's eyes widened and she quickly backtracked. "Us! Everyone would want to know us! Not me. Us."
"Ok," said Twilight, finally catching on, "You wanted to bribe me with a fancy outfit so I'd give you the ticket, right?"
"No! No, of course not!" lied Rarity. "How could you even think-"
Twilight glared at her.
"...Ok. Maybe I tried to bribe you a little." admitted Rarity. "Is it working?"
Twilight pulled off her outfit and said, "No. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get some lunch."
"Did somepony say 'lunch'?" asked a familiar voice. Applejack burst through the door of the boutique and grabbed Twilight.
"What is happening?!" screamed Twilight.
"Hush you." said Applejack as she threw Twilight outside.
Twilight pulled her face out of the dirt and looked up to see a cart loaded with food. "Seriously?" asked Twilight.
"Seriously." said Applejack. "Ah've got apple-"
"I DON'T CARE!" yelled Twilight. "ALL THESE FAVORS AREN'T HELPING ME DECIDE WHO GETS THE TICKET!" She ran away, yelling, "I HATE DECISIONS!"
Applejack stared after Twilight in confusion. Rarity trotted out of the building and asked, "You didn't have any luck trying to get the ticket either, huh?"
Applejack shook her head and said, "Ah was just givin' her lunch! Mah bribe was gonna be to have Big Macintosh sleep with her."
"You'd whore out your own brother just to get that ticket?" asked a shocked Rarity.
"Um...yeah." said Applejack.
"...Nice." said Rarity.
A minute later:
Twilight slowed to a walk as she approached the library. "Crazy ponies trying to get my ticket..." she muttered to herself, "I just need a few minutes alone to think about who to give it to." Twilight smiled as she opened the door to the library. "Luckily, my library is the one place where I can be all alo-"
"Through the fire and the flames!" sang a soft voice.
"...No..." said Twilight slowly as she looked around the library. Animals and birds scurried and flew around the library, sweeping dust off the shelves and putting away books. Twilight spotted Fluttershy, who was singing and dusting Twilight's Starswirl the Bearded portrait.
"This war is ours!" sang Fluttershy.
"HOOVES OFF MY MAN, WHORE!" screamed Twilight, running towards the portrait.
Fluttershy squeaked in fear and spun around to see the purple unicorn running at her. "Tw-Twilight! You're here! And you're...you're...making out with a painting?"
Twilight pulled her lips away from Starswirl's painted ones and said, "We're just friends, I swear!"
Fluttershy (and her animals) stared at Twilight for a moment. "On second thought," said Fluttershy, "You can keep the ticket, Twilight. I'll just be...somewhere else..." Fluttershy and her animals slowly backed out of the library, leaving Twilight alone with the portrait.
"...That was awkward." said Twilight. She turned to the painting and said, "Don't look at me like that! I had to say we we're just friends to keep up appearances!"
Starswirl, being a painting, said nothing.
"Giving me the silent treatment, huh?" said Twilight. "That's okay. I like it when you're mad. It makes you more..." she started rubbing her hoof on the painted Starswirl's chest, "...dangerous..."
"Wow." said another familiar voice. "That's messed up."
"You're telling me." said Spike's voice. "I remember one night I walked downstairs and Twilight was wearing-"
"Spike! Stop telling other ponies my fetishes!" screamed Twilight. She turned to see Spike and Pinkie Pie staring at her. "Oh. Hello, Pinkie." said Twilight sheepishly.
"Hi!" said Pinkie as she waved frantically. She held out her hoof and said, "Ticket, please!"
"Sure!" said Twilight.
"Really?!" asked Pinkie.
"NO!" screamed Twilight. "Like I've told every-goddamn-pony else, I will give someone the ticket when I am good and ready!"
"Oh..." said Pinkie in realization. She was silent for a few moments before asking, "...Are you good and ready now?"
Twilight put her hoof to her forehead and said weakly, "No. No, I'm not."
"Ok!" said Pinkie. She headed to the door and opened it. "See you later!" She walked out and shut the door.
"...That was surprisingly easy." said Twilight. She turned to Spike and said, "Now, let's get some-"
The door opened and Pinkie stuck her head in. "Oh, Twilight?" she asked. "What am I supposed to tell the ponies at the party?"
"Party?" asked Twilight. She walked over to the door and looked out. "What party?"
Loud dubstep music played as nearly all of Ponyville partied on the lawn of the library. A blue-maned mare with sunglasses was the DJ, and was scratching disks and mixing music and a purple pony with fruit as her Cutie Mark was supplying drinks to the partying ponies.
As Twilight and Spike wandered out of the library, Pinkie smiled at Twilight and said, "What do you think?"
"What do I think?!" yelled Twilight.
"That's what I'm asking you, silly!" Pinkie yelled, trying to be heard over the loud music. "Do I get the ticket?"
"Pinkie, I'm not giving you the ticket." said Twilight.
"What!?" yelled Pinkie. "I can't hear you!" The music seemed to increase in volume.
"I said, 'I'm not giving you the ticket'!" yelled Twilight.
"What ticket!?" asked Pinkie Pie. The song ended abruptly.
Not realizing that the music had stopped, Twilight yelled, "THE TICKET TO THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA!"
Everyone at the party stared at Twilight. "Did she say 'Grand Galloping Gala'?" someone asked.
"...Shit." said Twilight. The ponies started to slowly advance towards Twilight.
"TIME TO GO!" yelled Spike as he grabbed Twilight's leg and started to run.
"GET HER!" Yelled the ponies in unison. They all ran after Twilight and Spike, several of them yelling the favors that they could do if they were given the ticket.
Several minutes of running around later:
Twilight and Spike were hiding behind the garbage cans in the back of Sugarcube Corner. "Spike!" whispered Twilight. "Go see if they're gone!" She pushed Spike out into the open.
Spike nervously looked around. Seeing nothing, he whispered, "I think they're gone!"
"You think who's gone?" asked another voice.
Spike spun around and came face-to-face with Lyra and Bon Bon. "Oh! Hey, ladies!" said Spike nervously. "How's it hangin'?"
"Cut the crap, Spike." said Lyra. "Where's Twilight?"
"Yeah, where's Twilight?" asked Bon Bon.
"Oh. She...uh...died." lied Spike.
"She died?" repeated Bon Bon in disbelief. "Why should we believe you?"
"Because...because...because Bon Bon has been seeing Daisy behind your back, Lyra!" Spike yelled.
"What?!" yelled Lyra.
"Wait, I can explain!" pleaded Bon Bon. "We're just friends!"
"How could you do this to me?!" asked Lyra.
"Don't act like you're innocent!" yelled Bon Bon. "Remember that time I caught you with Octavia?"
"That was a professional relationship and you know it!" yelled Lyra.
The two mares started to bicker and left. Twilight walked out from behind the garbage and said, "Spike, I'm rehiring you."
Spike sighed and said, "There goes my vacation to New Mexicolt..." He looked around and asked, "Hey...were all these ponies here before?"
Twilight looked around and found, to her horror, that several ponies had surrounded them. "Oh crap." she said.
"Ticket!" said the ponies. They slowly advanced on Twilight. "Tiiiiiiiiiiiiickeeeeeeeet..."
"Twilight!" yelled Spike as he clutched her leg, "We need to get out of here! This reminds me too much of The Trotting Dead!"
"Tiiiiiiiickeeeeeeeet..." moaned the ponies. "Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickeeeeeeeeeet..."
"TWILIGHT! DO SOMETHING!" screamed Spike.
"Spike." said Twilight. "I'm going to do something that I've only done once."
"You're...gonna...pay me?" asked Spike.
"What?" asked Twilight. "Don't be ridiculous. I meant that I'm going to do...THIS!" Twilight's horn glowed and she and Spike disappeared in a flash of light.
The crowd of ponies stopped and stared at where Twilight and Spike used to be. "...Well that sucks." said one.
At the library:
A bright flash of light lit the darkened library as Twilight and Spike reappeared. Twilight clutched her head and moaned while an extremely burnt Spike covered his eyes.
"DEAR GOD, I THINK I'M BLIND!" screamed Spike.
Twilight shook her head and said, "I didn't even need Nightmare Moon to teleport this time! I'm getting better at controlling it!" She turned towards Spike and said happily, "Isn't it great, Spike?"
"IT BURNS!" shrieked Spike as he rubbed his eyes.
"And we're all alone! This is great!" cheered Twilight.
"Uh...not exactly..." said a voice.
Twilight froze. Her smile disappeared as she turned slowly around. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity were all standing by the window. Pinkie waved at Twilight and said, "Hi!"
"...Ha...Haha...Hahahahahahahahahaha..." Twilight started laughing as she felt her mind break. "Hahahahahahaha!"
"Is she alright?" asked Rarity.
"I'm guessing...no." said Rainbow Dash.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Twilight's laughter turned to horrified screams as she threw herself on the floor. "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY! I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHO TO GIVE THE TICKET TO! I WANTED TO CHOOSE BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ALL OF YOU AND YOU ALL GAVE ME FAVORS AND GIFTS AND ALL I WANTED WAS SOME FUCKING LUNCH! I JUST WANTED LUNCH GODDAMMIT AND YOU ARE ALL MY FRIENDS AND I WANT ALL OF YOU TO BE HAPPY AND FLUTTERSHY AND PINKIE SAW ME MAKE OUT WITH A PAINTING AND DON'T HATE ME DON'T HATE ME DON'T HATE ME DON'T-"
"TWILIGHT!" yelled Applejack. "AH'M SORRY!"
"...What?" asked Twilight.
"Ah said...'Ah'm sorry'." repeated Applejack. "Ah didn't mean to make ya feel this stressed out about that stupid ticket. In fact, Ah don't even want it anymore. Give it to one of the others."
"Me too." said Fluttershy, flying over to Twilight. "I don't even care about your creepy crush on that painting."
"I'm sorry too!" said Pinkie. "About the ticket thing and about watching you flirt with a painting of a dead guy!"
"Twilight, I apologize." chimed in Rarity. "I should never have tried to bribe you. Although that outfit was stunning on you, darling, I really should give it to you."
"YES!" cheered Rainbow Dash. "I'M GETTING THE TICKET! IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES!"
Everyone but Twilight glared at Dash. Applejack cleared her throat loudly.
"Oh, uh, I'm sorry about the ticket thing too, I guess..." said Rainbow Dash.
"We all got a little carried away," said Applejack. "We're sorry."
"...Spike?" asked Twilight. "Can you write a letter?"
"Yeah, you know I can. I write your letters all the time." said Spike.
"I mean, can you write a letter right now?" asked Twilight.
"Yeah. I mean, my wrist has been cramping up lately, but it's nothing that can stop me from-"
"Spike! Grab a quill and some paper and start writing!" ordered Twilight.
"Oh!" said Spike. He grabbed his quill and a roll of parchment. "Why didn't you say so?"
"For the love of- just write what I'm about to say, alright?" Twilight cleared her throat and said, "Dear Princess Celestia...I'm sending back these tickets because everypony has been driving me crazy all day! I mean, two tickets? For the six bearers of the Elements of Harmony? Plus an assistant? Are you kidding? What kind of an idiot sends two tickets for six ponies and one dragon? It's ridiculous! Signed, your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
Spike finished the signature with a flourish. "Done!"
Twilight used her magic to put the two tickets inside the scroll. "Send it!"
As Spike used his fire to send the letter, Applejack turned to Twilight and said, "What do ya think the Princess will do?"
Spike belched out a letter, and he caught and opened it. "We're about to find out." He began to read, "My Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle. Sorry for the mix-up, I entrusted the Royal Mail Department to send out all of the invitations and tickets, and I thought that I could trust them to send the right amount of tickets. Clearly, I was wrong. So I'm having them all executed. See you at the Gala!" Spike pulled out seven tickets. "Hey!" he said, "There's enough tickets for everyone!"
"Yay!" said Twilight. "Now we can all go!"
The ponies cheered and Twilight used her magic to grab the tickets and give them to everyone. "Now," said Twilight, "Let's go get some dinner! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"
Everyone gasped and stared at Twilight.
"Relax!" Twilight said. "I'm just kidding." Everyone started laughing. "But seriously," said Twilight, "If I don't get some food I'm going to kill and eat all of you."