It was mid February, the sun was down but it wasn’t that late. I was wearing a hoodie and a pair of stolen pj pants from you, my hair was even messier than usual. I was probably a wreck. I had been laying in bed ever since we resolved our fight the day before, over text. It was easier that way since you couldn’t see my face and I couldn’t hear you yell. I roughly knocked on your door, you opened it.
“Rainbow Dash? What’re y’all doing here, I’m about to start on dinner.” I thought about whether I wanted to keep going. I did. I had to do something about the nine hours spent awake in my dark room all day. “Oh. Just wanna talk…” You were quick to answer, too quick. Dismissive I thought. “Well you can come inside, I can multitask.” I wanted all your attention for this, but when didn’t I?
“Alone?” I asked. You glanced inside the door, looked back at me and shook your head. “Mac an’ Granny are inside prepping the veg for me, they’ll be there.” I frowned, that meant I wouldn’t be able to get it over with now.
You must have seen my face because you walked in and came back with your slides. “Five minutes, Granny might call me in though. What’s up?”
A cool breeze whizzed past me as we walked further into the orchard quietly. I knew where I wanted to end with this, but I didn’t know how to start. “Dash?” You asked. I stayed focussed on the muddy ground, trying to form words on the tip of my tongue. I took a deep breath, then or never. I was gonna have to just say it, my eyes were starting to prick already.
“you’re going to have to just spit it out because I need to get back–.” “I’m just not good enough for you…” I said. It was so incredibly hard, but I did it. I said it. It had been in my head for ages, especially after the other day. My brain had done flips thinking about how I was always letting you down. Maybe a small part of me hoped you’d hype me up and tell me I was the most perfect and most awesomest girlfriend ever but you were the honest one and if any of that was true, I don’t think you would’ve been so mad.
It was stupid but true, like, I was awesome and talented but I wasn’t good, I wasn’t good at being a girlfriend to you and maybe I never would be. People were never good at everything, you had told me that before but it really sucked. I wanted to be good at this, I wanted to be good for you and I think that made the fact that I wasn’t, a million times harder to deal with. I waited for a response, the silence was loud. Either you or the heavy gust of wind that came, sent shivers through me, I rocked on my heels. It was like watching a game with a tied score. I heard you laugh, my face broke. I was confused.
“Hooey, Dash. You’re always high on how awesome you are. C’mon now, I’ve got stuff to do inside.” That was exactly what I had meant though. Being a brag, wasting your time, annoying you like a little sister. I wasn’t that blind. I’d known, I'd known for a while at that point but I thought maybe the good parts of me were worth whatever you hated about me. Yesterday proved me wrong. I was going to beat you to the bush, maybe be able to keep a little pride. I choked up, I didn’t want to but my throat didn’t listen. I didn’t want to cry either. At least it was dark.
I couldn’t look at your face, I focussed on the moon instead, such a cloudy night. I felt like crying, I was pathetic for that. I could feel your eyes on me, usually I wanted them to be, but right then, I didn’t. “I love you, Rainbow Dash but my sister’s hungry, We–” You stopped as my head darted up to look at you. My lip stopped trembling for a minute, I stared for a second and I could tell you were irritated with me. Of course you were. “Well you shouldn’t!” I spat. Maybe I was getting irritated too.
“What?!” You said. I left no time for you to continue. “I’m always wasting your time and– and talking. And distracting you, making everything a stupid competition. You deserve better than me, I’m not good at this!” Hot tears fell from my eyes but you couldn’t see them. I was glad you couldn’t see them. If you could’ve seen them, they would’ve fallen harder, faster. My short nails dug into my rough palms. Someone called you from inside. I had to go faster. My specialty.
“Dash–” Your voice seemed soft but I wasn’t finished. “Well it’s done now! We’re done! I always feel like a second to you, like, like I’m letting you down and it’s not fair! I’m supposed to just be awesome… this– It’s too hard!” The wind spoke next, your eyes seemed hurt. If I could see your eyes, then maybe you could see mine. As soon as the last word left my tongue, my brain began running a marathon. Eighteen months. Nearly two years gone. No more apples, no more ice cream, no more cider, no more you. I lost all of that and it began to sink in. You could’ve been talking to me but I couldn’t hear anything, my thoughts were too loud.
A big lightning strike lit up the sky in the distance. It looked cool. I stumbled backwards into a tree trunk. Shaky legs, shaky legs. It was kind of cold out. I felt it at the tips of my ears. You turned around to look at the door for a second. You looked at me, looked at the door again, shook your head and stepped towards it. I could see orange flowers on your counter before the door shut. Wind smacked me in the face, and I fell to the ground at the base of the tree. Rain began to pour. The moon hid behind the clouds.
I watched you walk inside as I sat on the cold, wet grass alone. I was getting drenched by the second. I knew even then that I shouldn't have done that. I thought that Maybe I could have gotten better and maybe I was wrong to begin with. There was always a way through. How did I forget that? I knew I was never going to let go, I was too devoted. Too loyal. I messed up. I regretted it already at that point. I yelled at the clouds and you didn’t hear me, you were already gone. I hoped you were crying too. We didn’t even make it to our second Valentine’s Day.