//------------------------------// // It should NEVER take this long to write an Applejack chapter // Story: Homer in Equestria: The Less Than Epic Saga // by Barry the Brony //------------------------------// Homer in Equestria: The Less than Epic Saga By Barry the Brony Homer stared at the apple tree rubbing his chin. “Hmmm.” Applejack said nothing. Homer walked around the circumference of the tree and knocked on it in a few different places. “Mm-hmm.” Applejack still said nothing, her expression completely deadpan.  Stopping in front of it again, Homer drew back his foot and gave the tree a good hard kick…which proceeded to do absolutely nothing. The furthest corner of Applejack’s mouth started to lift. Homer frowned and gave the tree a second harder kick. Again, nothing. The corner of her mouth lifted a little higher. Growling now Homer started kicking the tree as hard as he could, starting with a few grumbles under his breath and proceeding to loud, almost animalistic grunts. The smirk was small but fully formed now.  Homer stopped to catch his breath, now glaring daggers at the tree. Turning around he walked away…only to turn and charge the tree screaming at the top of his lungs. The smirk became a look of alarm. At the last minute Homer’s feet left the ground in a midair kick like something out of a martial arts movie…which would have been a lot more impressive if he hadn’t simply bounced off the tree and landed flat on his back. Now Applejack’s face was scrunched up as she tried to hold back her laughter for the sake of Homer’s already injured pride.  For a moment Homer just laid there quietly before he spoke. “Applejack, I’ve given the matter some thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion this isn’t as easy as it looks.” Applejack finally couldn’t hold it in and let out a good loud laugh.  “I keep telling people! Just because bucking apple trees looks simple doesn’t mean it is.” She said, still chuckling as she came over and helped Homer get back to his feet. Heading over to the tree Homer just kicked, Applejack turned and in a single fluid movement hit the base with her hind legs. Immediately apples started falling out of the tree and filling up the buckets placed around the base.  “You see that? I can only do that because I’ve spent years not just practicing, but learning everything I can about bucking, same as anything else we do around the farm.” Applejack explained. “Kick too hard and you risk damaging the tree, kick too lightly and, well,” Applejack gave Homer the tiniest smirk. “I don’t think I need to elaborate on that now do I hun?” “Hey it worked on the vending machines back home.” Homer said a little defensively before he picked up a bucket of apples and loaded it into a wagon Applejack had brought along with them.  “Aw I’m just teasing you Sugarcube. At least you put some effort into it. I remember when Rarity tried bucking so she could pretend to be more rustic to impress this stallion by the name of Trenderhoof and she was more worried about ruining her manicure than actually getting the job done.” Applejack said as they started to load in more buckets. “Yeah, trying to pretend to be someone I’m not has never ended well. This one time I pretended to be a pilot just so I could drink at an airport bar, next thing I know I’m in a cockpit with people expecting me to know how to fly.” Applejack gave a soft ‘tsk’ sound as she waited for Homer to sit in the wagon with the buckets before she started to pull it by the axle. “Now see, that’s why I’m a firm believer in trying to be honest whenever you can, or at least when it really matters. You get into a lot less trouble that way.” “Yeah but that’s the thing, I kept telling the guy I wasn’t a pilot and all he said was ‘you flyboys crack me up’.” Applejack blinked at that and looked back at Homer. “Wait so you told them the truth and they still pushed you into flying one of those contraptions?” When Homer nodded she gave a thoughtful noise in the back of her throat.  “Well…I stand by what I said about being honest but it sounds like whatever happened next wasn’t entirely your fault. Anybody get hurt?” “No, luckily I managed to crash the plane before it could take off.” This time Applejack came to a dead stop. “...You crashed the plane…before it could take off.” Applejack repeated slowly, as if she couldn’t quite believe what she had just heard.  Given that Equestria already had several forms of air travel such as balloons and dirigibles, it had only been a matter of time before ponies had begun to tinker with the idea of flying machines such as airplanes. At the moment though it was little more than a novelty given that a full third of Equestria’s population were born already able to fly, but like so many other things that had caught her eye, Twilight found them endlessly fascinating and had even showed Applejack a few pictures of some test models. But even seeing as complicated as they looked in schematics and photographs, Applejack was having a hard time imagining how Homer could have wrecked a plane before it had even left the ground.  “Yeah to be honest I’m not entirely sure how I managed that either. I just pushed a button and the wheels retracted making the whole thing come crashing down. Of course I never figured out how I managed to cause a meltdown in a truck that didn’t have any nuclear material to begin with either.” “...I understood just enough of that to be nervous about the idea of leaving you unsupervised.” Applejack said, sounding equal parts impressed and a little alarmed. “Well I can’t think of anything that complicated on the farm, just to be safe, you let me know before you mess with any of the tools around here. I don’t want to have to explain to Twilight why her pet project lost a foot or something.” “Can do. So who else lives on the farm besides you and Apple Bloom?” Homer asked.  “Well there’s my brother Big Mac who's working on the other side of the farm today. Big fella, kind of quiet but dependable as all get out. Then there’s Granny Smith. She’s mostly in charge of keeping everything on schedule but she can help out a little with the workload if she has to.” “So what about your parents, they live here too?”  The wagon didn’t quite come to a stop, but Applejack seemed to falter a little before she resumed a slower pace. “My parents…aren’t around anymore.”  “Ohh, you mean they moved out? My dad did that not long after I got my house. Well when I say moved out, I really mean we stuck him in a retirement home.” Homer said, his near legendary ability to completely miss the point shining through yet again. Applejack turned again and squinted hard at Homer, trying to figure out if he was really that clueless or if he was making fun of her. Whatever she saw in his slightly blank stare made her expression soften a little trying to think of how to put this delicately. “Uh…no Homer that’s not what I meant. I mean they, you know…passed?” Nothing. “Away?” Again no sign of getting it, so she finally sighed and added. “Into death?” Homer’s eyes suddenly went wide as he finally caught on. “Oh…OH! Oh god Applejack I am so, so sorry I had no idea.” “It’s not your fault for not knowing, it’s not exactly something I’m ever that eager to bring up.”  Homer blinked. “Wait, so you aren’t mad at me for not knowing your parents were…you know, gone?” Now it was Applejack’s turn to blink. “Well I’m not happy to think about not having them around, but I don’t hold it against you for not knowing Sugarcube.” “But I thought people were supposed to be aware of everything that might offend someone at any given time so they don’t get labeled with one of those words ending in ‘-ist’ or ‘phobe’. Least that’s what I get from all those late night talk shows.” “Homer you can’t be aware of everything that could upset a person if you’ve only just met them. We’ve only been in the same room three times and that was with the rest of the girls and Spike. Besides that’s not really something that naturally comes up in conversation unless you ask.” “I mean, if the day we met I had walked up to you and said something like ‘Well howdy partner my name’s Applejack! Do you like my hat? I work on a farm and both my folks are dead, how about that weather?’ That wouldn’t have alarmed you in any way?” Homer thought about it for a minute. “Yeah, that would have been some ‘Independence Day: Resurgence’ levels of info dumping,” He said before he shuddered. “Oh god that movie was terrible, it was like watching someone dig up a family member and shove a stick up their butt to work them like a pup-D’OH!”  “Now see, that's the kind of stuff you want to avoid.” Applejack deadpanned.  “I guess I just never really thought about anyone around here actually dying.” Homer admitted. Even now he was curious as to what exactly had happened to Applejack’s parents, but he had done enough by bringing up what had to be an unpleasant memory for the little earth pony, so he chalked it up to ‘Disney Parent Syndrome’ and left it at that. Applejack looked over the rows of apple trees and took comfort in their presence. “Nothing lasts forever, sugarcube. Though you wouldn’t think that considering how old some ponies get to being. Hell, Granny Smith’s parents were the ones who originally founded Ponyville and she’s still around to this day.” “But sooner or later, we all have to move on to whatever’s waiting for us on the other side.” Applejack lowered her head so the rim of her hat covered her eyes for a moment. “Even if it’s a lot sooner than we’d like.” Homer was quiet for a minute as Applejack resumed pulling the cart before he spoke again. “You know I spent most of my life thinking my mom had died when I was a kid. Turns out she had gone into hiding to avoid being arrested for destroying my boss’s germ warfare research…long story,” Homer added at the odd look he was getting from the little pony. “But the point is my dad raised me on his own, and to be honest I still have a lot of mixed feelings about him. He didn’t completely suck as a parent, but our relationship has always been…I dunno, complicated.” In spite of herself, Applejack found herself a little curious. “Complicated how?” “We-ell, on one hand, or is it on one hoof for you guys?”  “Either one works fine hun.” “Right, on one hand he sold his house to make the down payment on the home I live in with my family to this day, he’s willing to babysit the kids once in a while so Marge and I can have a night out, and he’s always got advice of some sort to share.” “And on the other hoof?” “On the other hand, hoof whatever, he almost never supported my hopes and dreams as a kid, constantly neglected me, and told me I was going to screw up a gymnastic routine while I was in the middle of doing said routine in front of my entire high school!” Homer said, his voice slowly but steadily growing in volume. “Well I’m sorry to hear tha-” Applejack tried to say, clearly realizing Homer was gaining momentum at an alarming rate and was hoping to calm him down.  “Oh I’m not even close to being done!” Homer shouted, plowing straight ahead.  “He lied to me about my mother being dead my entire life, he never even bothered to mention I have a half-brother until after he nearly died of a heart attack, and he was willing to support an expressway that would have torn down my house and left me and my family homeless because the guy running for mayor, who by the way happens to have made multiple attempts on my son’s life, said he would name the expressway after his favorite tv show!” “And on top of all that! ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE! Like the crappy little cherry placed atop of the whole suck sundae, my own father told me to my face that I was an accident and that he had never intended to have a child! SO IS IT ANY WONDER THAT I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST RESENTMENT TOWARDS HIM?!” The silence that followed this was deafening. Birds had stopped chirping, bugs had stopped buzzing, and just about all of them had the same slaw jawed/beaked/mandible expression as Applejack. The orange earth pony closed her mouth, opened it to say something, stopped and closed it again, glancing this way and that to make sure nobody else was around before she finally said. “...Well shit.” “Yeah, that just about sums it up.” Homer agreed, seeming to sag a little as if the outburst had taken just about all the energy out of him. It said something that in spite of occasional annoyances like trying to buck the tree and Discord, the first thing that had well and truly made Homer angry had been something from his life back home. Giving a little sigh, Applejack slipped out of the wagon harness and came around to climb in next to Homer. “Do you feel any better at least getting it off your chest like that?” “Well it’s not like I haven’t had that kind of stuff stewing around in me for years but yeah, a little. I’m just sorry you had to see me lose my temper like that.” Now that he had stopped seeing red Homer felt ashamed to have let his baggage spill out in the presence of such sweet wholesome creatures like the ponies. “Would you believe me if I said I’ve seen angrier? Twilight once got so worked up her mane caught on fire, and may Celestia help anybody who Pinkie Pie catches breaking a Pinkie Promise.”  “Pinkie Pie? That Pinkie Pie?” Homer asked, looking at Applejack in surprise.  “Mm-hmm. It’s like having a big friendly dog suddenly turn and bite you. It’s all the worse because you never see it coming. The point is people get angry, and frankly I’m amazed you didn’t snap sooner with baggage like that following you around.” “Well like I said it’s complicated. I mean yeah it ticks me off my dad did all of that stuff, but there are moments where I remember deep down I still love him. It just gets really easy to forget that amidst all the crap he’s pulled. Then again I’m not exactly father of the year myself so, I dunno, maybe I don’t have much of a right to complain.” “Actually I’d say you’ve got some pretty good reasons to be angry. But I still have a little advice if you are willing to hear me out.” She said, waiting for Homer to give a nod before she continued. Applejack put a hoof on Homer’s leg. “Enjoy the time you have with your father while you still have it. I’m not saying you should gloss everything over and act like he’s perfect, but he’s not going to be around forever and Celestia knows I’d give just about anything to spend just a little more time with my parents. But then,” Applejack looked away and lowered her head a little so the rim of her hat fell over her eyes. “We never have as much time with the people we love as we’d like to. So just…try and keep that in mind, okay hun?”  Homer looked down at Applejack with an odd expression. “...Okay seriously, does everyone around here moonlight as a therapist?.” Applejack lifted her head with a blink before she gave a laugh. “Nah, I reckon it’s just all the time I’ve spent around Twilight rubbing off on me. Just about any of the girls can whip up a speech like that considering how often we help other people with their problems.” “Well I have to admit, it’s pretty effective. Tell you what, I can’t promise I’ll never treat my father like crap ever again, but I can promise to try and do it a little less often and see if maybe I can do something nice for him once in a while and see if it balances out. Does that sound like a good start?” “Sounds like a good start.” Applejack said with a smile. “Now I think we’ve both spilled our guts enough for a day, what say we put something in them like some fresh apple pie?”  The next thing Applejack knew the wagon was lurching back into motion, albeit with slow bumpy jerks accompanied by Homer grunting loudly. “Uh, Homer? Maybe you should let me pull the wagon before you-” There was a loud ‘click’ from somewhere in Homer’s lower back causing him to collapse to his knees with a roar of pain.  “...Pull something in your back.” She finished weakly.