The hardest part of moving on is accepting that you need to.
It had been a few weeks since I came to Fluttershy's cottage, and I had settled into a routine that kept me well-fed and brought me up to speed with world events.
I already knew that the changelings who attacked the pony capital did not represent my queen, but now I was confident that my hive no longer existed.
Attempts to make contact with the hive had gone entirely ignored ever since I regained the strength and confidence to employ them. Granted, new protocols might have been enacted over the past thousand years, but I refuse to believe that noling would investigate such conspicuous changeling magic expenditure.
You see, Queen Serosa's hive developed a spell that we could use if an Infiltrator's cover were in danger of being blown. They could signal for help by condensing love energy into an orb and launching it into the sky. The resulting burst of love would be entirely invisible to ponies—or anything else for that matter—but would be felt by every changeling within miles, assuming the amount of love expended was significant enough.
I poured every spare bit of emotional energy I acquired into a nightly beacon. Unfortunately, the only potential response came from a tan-colored pegasus who seemingly went out of his way to walk past the cottage one evening with a perplexed expression on his face.
His presence briefly gave me hope, especially after I realized he was trained to shield his emotions—much like an infiltrator—but he never probed mine in any way, which I hope no self-respecting changeling of this era would have failed to do. After the briefest of investigations, he continued on his way without ever looking back at me. He may have been sensitive enough to feel the love beacon, but I doubted he was a changeling.
Eventually, I gave up.
That was the first motivator for my next decision.
Double Time—and what I took from her—was the second.
I sent a letter to Warden, telling him where to find his young charge. I suppose I didn't need to do so; no doubt Zecora would have contacted him once she believed Miss Time was well enough to travel.
In the letter, I explained what I had done. I told Warden about my real identity and the windigos starving my hive in the south. I told him about my mission and the importance of the crystal heart. Then I told him what I had done to Double Time and what I had done for her. I told him about my failure and Zecora's timely rescue.
I explained myself to him but never once asked for forgiveness. I didn't deserve that.
And so it was, one autumn morning, that an elderly crystal stallion set hoof in my benefactor's garden. "Excuse me, miss," he began. "I am looking for a young pegasus named Fluttershy. Would she happen to be nearby?"
I didn't expect to hear that voice again. It was no surprise that Warden didn't recognize me; I was neither in my natural form nor did I appear to be Headway. The fact that I was currently a pale green earth pony mare called Glade Whisper went a long way toward hiding my identity.
"Uh... yeah, she's feeding the fish down by the stream," I shakily replied, unable to hide just how taken aback I was by his appearance.
The old war veteran had aged visibly in the months since I had fled his country with his adopted daughter in tow. The worry and grief I caused him were evident in his features, and I was sure his mane had thinned. Where there was once battle-hardened muscle tone under taut fur, there seemed to be loose, deflated skin, as if he had personally felt the passing of the thousand-year skip.
As he nodded to me in thanks and turned toward the water, I called out to him. "Warden," I began, "wait a moment."
He froze in place. He didn't immediately turn back toward me, but I saw his shoulders stiffen. He went on alert as he heard his name leave my mouth, and I could tell Warden had already come to an assumption about who I was from that one simple clue—considering he hadn't told me his name.
"I'm sorry," I said. "That doesn't excuse my actions, of course, but I want you to know that. Maybe... maybe we should talk before you go see her." I sighed, still looking at the back of his unmoving head. "Care for some tea? Fluttershy has an extensive collection inside."
Several long seconds passed before the tension in his body eased, and he turned to face me again. His eyes were tight, but they were the eyes of a cautious warrior, not an enraged bull. His emotions were guarded, but I could still sense some compassion there.
"Very well, Headway, perhaps we should talk. It's been a while."
The conversation was awkward. It was challenging to begin with the old stallion staring at me in silence. I could feel the anger boiling out of Warden, and I couldn't even hold it against him. He had every right to be angry, and I didn't know how much of this new world that we found ourselves in he'd been introduced to.
Thankfully, once I began speaking, the story I told him didn't differ very much from what I am telling you now and didn't take as long as I'd feared, though it was approaching sunset. Warden remained silent the entire time until my words began to recede, and my thoughts became less focused.
"I see," he finally said. He went quiet for a few moments, leading me to believe that was all I would get out of him before he spoke up again. "How long has it been since you last saw your home, your family?"
"Almost two years," I replied with a lump in my throat, "and never again."
Warden sighed and simply said, "I see," before drawing a long breath. "I understand, Headway, and I am sorry for your loss. Two years can be a lifetime during monumental events. Your whole world can change—in some cases literally—in the blink of an eye. Your goals, your values, your very sense of self."
Sympathy.
Forgiveness.
Gratitude?
There is no way a pony could be thankful toward a changeling. A carrot doesn't forgive the rabbit who eats it.
I was sure he had misunderstood something, so I quickly decided on a course of action and released my disguise. I made no attempt to make it gradual; a flash of green and a wave of emerald flame washed over me, erasing Fluttershy's young animal care helper, revealing my glossy black carapace.
To his credit, Warden didn't even flinch, nor did I detect any alarm—neither in his demeanor nor his emotions.
"My real name is Carina, not Headway, and I'm actually what you would consider a mare. I was one of Queen Serosa's hoof-picked elite infiltrators... it was my duty to ensure the survival of my hive during the love drought and great Wendigo blizzard. I never meant to harm you or Double Time. I just needed to bring enough stored love home to feed my queen... my family. I needed the Crystal Heart... but..."
It felt weird to willingly surrender the details of my mission, even if it no longer mattered.
"Your letter claimed Miss Time is unharmed," he said, interrupting my downward spiral. "Why did you not bring her home?"
I sighed. "Because of our last interaction. When the alicorns attacked the city, I didn't understand who they were or what they could do. I didn't think the ponies had a chance of defeating King Sombra, so when I heard the proof of their prowess echo across the city, I realized my mission's window of opportunity was closing. There were brainwashed soldiers everywhere, including the schoolhouse, so I fell back on my training.
"I came to care about Miss Time during our stay. I tried to be honest with her. I revealed myself to her, just as I have with you, but she panicked.
"My hive was dying, and my mission had become untenable. In such dire situations, infiltrators are taught to claim any victory, however small, and return with whatever love they can safely transport. Usually, that comes in the form of love crystals, filled throughout the mission. Except mine were destroyed in the school battle, crushed underhoof defending Miss Time.
"I knew my mission had failed. I knew I didn't have enough energy to make it home—and, even if I did, there was the possibility that we'd all starve within a few months due to my failure.
So, my only logical option was to bring Double Time with me as both a personal energy source for the trip and a feeble offering to Queen Serosa. Miss Time is bursting with life and love; she could easily sustain my queen. Even if she could never hope to feed everyling, at least the hive would have a chance to rebuild one day, as long as the queen survived."
Understandably, Warden briefly bristled with anger at the mention of turning his would-be daughter into a food source. What surprised me, however, was how quickly he smothered those feelings.
"Thank you for telling me, Carina," he said as he stood up and turned toward the cottage door. "I think I will take my leave now. I wish to look in on Miss Time and make the acquaintance of her zebra benefactor before it gets too late."
As he left, he paused briefly on the doorstep. "I do not appreciate what you have done, but I understand the panic and despair you have endured. We are old friends, guilt and I. If you are truly as remorseful as you say, perhaps we can be as well, one day."
He closed the door behind himself, walked into the Everfree Forest, and out of this story. I saw him again, of course, and we did indeed become friends, though I wore a new disguise by the time that happened.
The next day, I had just arrived at Fluttershy's home to begin my rounds feeding the critters when I heard a familiar voice.
"...don't think that would be a great idea. I just wanted to stop by and thank you. Zecora told me you had something to do with keeping him from hurting ponies. He... my father's not here anymore, so I am grateful for whatever it is you did."
Her father? Oh, Stalwart. I almost forgot about that, I mused, surprised to find a bit of self-loathing building up inside myself. The momentary relief and joy I felt at seeing her conscious again were diluted by guilt.
Fluttershy looked over as I walked in, sending both an apology and a warning through her emotions. It was a clear message and one I had difficulty paying heed to.
"Good morning, Fluttershy," I said as I stepped through the door. "Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt."
If I thought meeting Fluttershy was the epitome of nervous response to new stimuli, the instant panic that poured out of Double Time upon hearing a voice coming from behind her nearly floored me with disgust.
"Oh, um... good morning, Glade," Fluttershy greeted me. "I was just entertaining a guest before we started our chores. You're welcome to join us if you want to. Or, you can head out to the field if you wish. I am sure our little friends are ready for breakfast."
The fact that Fluttershy acknowledged me with her characteristic kindness put much of the tension out of Miss Time, but she still took a step back as she, too, turned to face me.
"I see that," I began. "You must be the young mare from the Crystal Empire that Zecora has been taking care of."
Looking into Miss Time's eyes as she greeted me turned my stomach. "Oh, yes. I'm Double Time." Her eyes were hollow and barely seemed to reflect any light. Dull, nearly lifeless.
"Double Time was just telling me that her friend has come to bring her home. It must be so exciting to return to the Crystal Empire. It's such a beautiful city; my friends and I just came back from there. I particularly liked the main square where the crystal fair took place... all those adorable little ewes!"
No matter how often I reminded myself, it still took me a moment to accept the difference in our relative timelines. And, from the look on Miss Time's face, it seemed the same could be said about her.
"That sounds... lovely, Fluttershy," I said before directing my full attention toward the crystal mare. "I'm sorry about your father."
Double Time's expression didn't change much, but the wave of sadness that emanated from her was palpable.
"Thank you," is all she said.
"Fluttershy, would it be alright if you fed the critters alone today? I'd like to have a word with our guest, and if she's really going home soon, I may not have another opportunity to do so."
"Of course, um, Glade. Just... be nice?" Her tone as she said that was unusual, but I understood her meaning.
Double Time raised an eyebrow as she looked back and forth between us. "I'm sorry, Glade, do we know each other?"
Not really.
"I've met Zecora recently as well, and she told me a few things about you," I said. It wasn't a lie—she told me not to do exactly what I was now doing, talk to her before she's ready.
Thankfully, my infiltrator misdirection training paid off, and the young mare across from me relaxed.
"That's not exactly comforting. What did she tell you?"
"Nothing much, only that a... a monster... had pretended to be your friend only to hurt your father and foalnap you from the empire. You were still unconscious at the time."
"My friend," she said with a sorrowful expression. "He was. I think. The... monster... claimed to have been my friend the whole time. I didn't believe it at first, but Zecora said it protected me and left me with her to get better."
"I did—or rather, I am sure it did," I replied, then hurried on to cover my mistake. "If you want to talk about it, I've been told I was a good listener. I recently discovered that my mother is no longer with us, and I wasn't around when it happened. I can sympathize."
Empathy.
Concern.
Joy?
"I'm so sorry to hear that, Glade," she said, finally with a glimmer of the familiar, caring tone of voice I remembered.
If only she had said 'Carina' instead of 'Glade.'
"May I ask you something, Double Time," I prompted her. Without waiting for her response, I spoke the words that ultimately decided my own future. "You referred to the one who took you from the empire as a monster. I get that the situation was probably quite frightening, but do you think the monster was evil?"
She cocked her head to the side for a moment before opening her mouth. "Evil? I don't know. Maybe not? It looked scary and had holes all over its body. It pretended to be my father, even after it was the one who... who... well after it hurt him. It attacked me, foalnapped me, and took me away from my home."
Her emotions were all over the place, and it was turning my stomach in a very physical sense, but I remained silent.
"I will never forgive it for what it did. Never," Double Time said with uncharacteristic firmness but shocked me when she continued. "But, Zecora said she spoke with it before I woke up. She said it risked its life to protect me multiple times and willingly released me once it found out Zecora was a healer. She said it came here to see Fluttershy and that she helped it. If somepony like Fluttershy saw some good in a creature like that, maybe it could be better than I give it credit for. Thinking about it that way, no. I don't think it is evil."
Smiling and with a tear threatening to leave my eye, I stood up and walked toward the cottage door.
"Thank you, Miss Time," I said, opening the door. "If you will excuse me, I need to get back to helping Fluttershy feed our animal friends."
She looked confused at the sudden cessation of our conversation but nodded and followed me outside. "Of course, sorry to have distracted you. I am sure all those critters are looking forward to seeing you this morning."
I closed my eyes, lifted my head toward the sky, and let out a deep breath I hadn't noticed I took in. "Perhaps. It's just about time I moved on, though."
I stopped and looked over my shoulder at the young crystal mare to whom I was, even now, lying by omission.
"I don't think we will ever meet again, Miss Time. Take care of yourself and look after Warden. Tell him I am sorry and that I look forward to 'one day'."
"Do you know Warden? What are you sorry for," came her confused reply.
"He'll know what I mean. It's time for the two of you to go home... say goodbye to your father."
With that said, I walked away from the cottage, angling myself toward Ponyville and the train station found therein.
The last thing I ever heard Double Time say was one final shout, "weren't you going to feed the animals with Fluttershy?"
I didn't respond. Once I passed through the town and boarded the train, I deliberately chose an empty car. One more time, I let emerald flames wash over my body, stripping away the disguise known as Glade Whisper. In her place was a new pony... one I resolved to fully become. A new mare. A new life.
The conductor called for final boarding, and in short order, the mobile metal box that scared me so badly just a few weeks ago was taking me away from everything I knew and regretted toward the promise of an unknown future.
"This journey will be uninterrupted to our final destination," came his voice from the adjoining car. "Next stop, Las Pegasus!"
My name was Carina, and I was a monster. But maybe, in another life, I don't have to be.
This was my story, a thousand years in the making.