(Illustration by Rutkotka on DeviantArt)
Chapter 5
Found
In the distance, a gust of wind shakes a rigid windowpane open. I've awoken to another sleepy night. Still feeling groggy, I feel myself yawn from within. I can't help but sigh in relief. It seems however much time I spent under, I’d not been plagued by those dreams from before. I had regained full control of my body now and could motion out whatever shape I tried drawing in the void before me. Despite that, I do not feel like getting up at all. I'd succumbed to the softness that surrounded me, and the warmth that my own body accumulated in the blanket that was neatly wrapped around it. Yet I also didn't feel like going back to sleep just yet, as something was still bothering me.
I quieted my thoughts by fixing my gaze on the moonlight pouring from the edge of the windowsill. Shadows occasionally broke the clearness of the circle that it drew on the floor, creating patterns similar to that of leaves on a tree swaying in motion with the wind. The only other light in the room is a soft orange and red glow from the candle sitting close to me on a desk opposite of the window. I lose myself almost entirely when I turn to look at it for a while. I can feel the pangs of fear welling up in my heart at the sight of it. Yet, I am unsure how to respond to that fear. In ways, it is beautiful. It's so gentle and warm. The way it flickers and dances in the wind causes a strange array of light, and along with the dim glow it gives off, it creates a slovenly atmosphere that begins to lull me again. However, deep in my subconscious, I am afraid to sleep under its light. I try my best to stave off its effects.
(Illustration by Rutkotka on DeviantArt)
Staring into the flame's light had made it harder to see my surroundings under the veil of darkness, but my eyes seemed to have no problem adjusting to the little light reflected from the surfaces it touched, slowly but surely painting the rest of the room. It is a rather surreal sight. The room is unlike anything I can match in my memories. It was as if the room itself had been carved from the inside of a tree. The shelves adorning the walls are lined with more books than I could've thought to exist. The musty smell of ink and weathered pages in the room were most likely from those tomes.
Scanning the room, I notice that the mare from before is nowhere to be seen. Twilight, was it? I couldn't tell at the time because of all the excitement and emotional conflict I was under, but she had really helped me out a lot. It was hard to imagine where I would've ended up had I not met her then. I felt like I really needed to tell her those two words I tried to voice out before. It had been so long since I'd last spoken a word to anything or anyone, even myself, that I began to practice in shame that I might mess them up. Yet even in the quiet solitude of this darkness... I could not. Nary even a peep. My heart sank at the thought that I would never be able to express myself to her...
Brooding comes in pairs, or so I'd heard. For one thought led to another, and I began to contemplate what would happen from now on. I remembered the questions that I had asked myself in my head when I first realized that I was not in my original form. Why was there another soul helping me? Ah, because I'm not formless... Is this pony's kindness sincere? What would she do to me if she found out? Would she eventually come to hate me too...?
I truly hated how I'd come to think. I could think of no one but myself. Living in the darkness, under Fate and her Mistress... To me, life had become simply self-preservation. So as the night grew older and I started feeling lonely that Twilight had not returned, I swallowed the emotions that had pooled in my throat. I understood very well that I would have to leave this place at some point in the near future. I could not afford these feelings even if I wanted to. I couldn't even talk. What hope did I have for a life filled with companionship?
It took moments more before the quiet of the night had been disturbed by the sounds of a door opening in the distance. It is faint, but now I could hear and feel the light, slow footsteps of another soul traveling on the wooden floor of this house. I could feel unnerving anticipation, sensing they were coming toward me. Instinctively my body shifted to the image of the pony I was hiding as up until now, since I had undone it when I'd awoken, but the nervousness of the moment had scared me into hiding my identity again. I shied away under my covers right when the door to my room was quietly pushed open. Then, I heard a familiar voice sigh in relief and I slowly peered outside of my quilt. Twilight's eyes drifted silently into view. She wore a smile on her face that was trying hard to hide a small hint of sadness in her expression.
"It's good to see you're finally awake. You slept through the entire day." She looked into my eyes warmly. I am still tired at this point in time, and it seems she is able to read me all too easily, her expression shifting to one of slight worry. "Looks like that wasn't enough though. You should get some more rest. You're still recovering after all." She began stroking my hair again. Embarrassingly, she smiles at me as she notices something on my face while doing so. I realized that I had become weak in more ways than one after having lived on my own for so long, considering I was finding it hard to hide my own smile from the happiness of that act.
The candle flickers in the wind as a gust blows through the open window, threatening to put out the flame. The cold of that night bleeds into the room all at once. The blanket that shielded me is not thick enough to protect me from it, and I find that I begin to shiver. I hadn't spared much of a thought for the temperature outside until that point.
"Oh dear, I'd forgotten how cold it was out tonight since I've been out since noon," Twilight said at the sight of me. "I'm really sorry I didn't notice it earlier. Unfortunately, I don't have more blankets to spare either." Another gust blows in through the window more aggressively than before and I find myself curling up and shivering uncontrollably. Twilight closes the window at this, but the cold air had already done its damage. The room felt like it was now freezing over. She walks back over to me and begins by apologizing again. "Hopefully it gets warmer in here with that. Well, I'll let you sleep now. We can discuss more tomorrow if you're up for it." She says as she starts to walk away.
She stops at the sight of me holding my foreleg out to her, sensing my worry and my loneliness welling up. No doubt she could also feel the shivering in my body through our contact. She ponders about what to do for a little bit.
"Well, I hope you don't mind if we bunk together tonight. I was gonna take the couch but this way we can both be warm. I'll do something about the blankets tomorrow, promise." She says, slipping into the same cover as mine. She turns to look at me, noticing I was still falling asleep.
That layered smile from before begins to cloud her expression again. She sighs a rather heavy sigh. "I have a lot to apologize for today." She says sheepishly. "I'm sorry, little one, I was out and about all over town asking everyone I knew to find out about your parents, but not a single pony knew a filly like you at all." Her brows furrowed, the sadness in her smile now unmistakable. It's obvious that she was putting on this front for my sake. "I promise you I won't stop trying, okay? I'll work twice as hard tomorrow." She patted my head gently, but unlike the times she did it before, the sadness in her expression kept me from feeling happy about it. "For now, you worry about getting some rest." She said, turning to her other side with her back towards me.
Her words prey on me. That word again... Parents? What did it mean? What was she looking for? There was one thing I could understand, however. She was trying to find someone who knows of me, who I am. I felt my mouth open to tell her I was sorry, and unsurprisingly nothing came out. Oh how I wanted to apologize to her at that moment... because for my sake, I could never let her know who or what I was.
Perhaps because I had grown so sensitive to sensations when I lived within the darkness, I could still feel the chill that lingered in that room. Coupled with my growing regret, I shivered in my moment of weakness. However, I felt something else within the bedsheets in front of me. It wasn't just me who could feel the stinging cold of the air around us, but Twilight too as she shivered albeit more faintly. In that moment, I felt so strongly about wanting to help her. She had done so much for me already, I wanted to return that kindness back with however much I could. I gently placed a hoof on her back believing that I could somehow transfer the heat I had accumulated. Yet, I pulled away almost immediately after I felt how utterly cold she was to the touch.
"Huh?" Twilight immediately noticed what I was trying to do and turned back to look at me. "Oh, heh, sorry. I was out all night talking to the townsfolk. Forgot to take my scarf so I pretty much returned icy cold. Don't mind me. I may not look it, but I'm as reliable and hearty as any adult my age. I'll warm up in no time."
Her words fell on deaf ears because, at this point, I was already beating myself up over it. I felt it after all. My weakness. My cowardice. How quickly I was to give up on the things I wanted to do. How pathetic I must have looked, not even being able to help the one soul that had given me a chance. I could only grit my teeth in anger and disgust at myself. I had told myself countless times now in my head... I would not let anything stop me anymore.
I dove into her chest, wrapping what I could of my upper body around hers in my feeble attempt to warm her up. The cold stung. I teared up at the sensation the longer I held on, but I would not let go. What a strange sight I must've been, hanging on desperately and shivering like mad. Right now, this was all I could do to help, and I was determined to see it through. As her body warmed, I felt my own warm up more from the interlocking hug. It was then I could sense the conflicted emotions in the mare. What were they? Embarrassed, apologetic, confused maybe? I understood that what I had done was strange, but I was not about to make any excuses for my inaction anymore.
In the awkward silence, possibly misunderstanding the intentions of my actions she finally spoke up after she hugged me back. "There there, it's alright. Nothing bad is going to happen to me, I'm not going anywhere." She pat my back with one hoof while petting my hair with the other, easing my distress. "At first, I tried giving you some space. You must've been in a scary situation back in the Everfree Forest to be that hurt. You had a real look of fear in your eyes when we first met. I thought that maybe you'd still be afraid of me since I'm a stranger considering how you haven't said anything yet. I know I'm not as gentle and motherly as my friend Fluttershy or as homely and reliable as another of my friends, Applejack, so I was worried about how I would interact with you. You're sure you're not scared of me?"
I shook my head vehemently. Perhaps I was afraid of her at first, but not anymore. She had shown me nothing but kindness up until now after all. It was sad to know that my inability to speak was the cause of this.
"That's a real relief. You have no idea." I felt her tension diffuse in my forelegs. "I hope you're not disappointed in me just yet now that you know I'm not made of sterner stuff." She laughed meekly. I replied by shaking my head again. "Just trust me when I say, I won't rest until I do right by you."
After a while of comforting silence in that embrace, finally, I felt my consciousness begin to fade and slip into sleep. Our warmth had reached all around me now, and as she continued stroking my hair, my tiredness overtook me. She smiled sweetly at me as my eyes started to droop. Finally, my defense was broken altogether when she broke out into a hum, and I could do nothing to hold back the call of dreams.
"Thank you." That voice... Was it from Twilight? No... that voice was gentle and frail, small and tiny. Almost inaudible. It sounded so familiar and distant... a voice that I hadn't heard in so, so very long...
It is my voice.