“Well, actually, it originated as a religious practice, not as stagecraft,” Twilight Sparkle explained as she found a book for Pinkie Pie and put it into the large bag the pink pony was carrying. “The superstitious thought that prophetic spirits inhabited—”
Pinkie Pie was on a tight schedule, and so she'd come prepared for this contingency.
“Thanks, have a cupcake!” Pinkie exclaimed as she shoved a delicious pastry into Twilight’s mouth, preventing further words from escaping their prodigious purple pony prison. “Well, gotta run, thanks for the book, see you later!” Pinkie rattled off cheerfully as she made a run for it. Her attempt was doomed by circumstance. Pinkie tripped over something in the doorway and bumped into Fluttershy.
“Oooh, sorry there Fluttershy,” Pinkie apologized.
“Oh, it’s okay Pinkie,” Fluttershy said as she helped Pinkie up. Pinkie noticed a box on the doorstep of the library.
“Twilight! You got a box!” Pinkie Pie said, the very picture of a pony Pandora presenting the portentous package to Twilight.
Twilight swallowed the cupcake and came over.
“Oh, that must be my parchment,” Twilight said as she picked up the package with her telekinesis.
“A perfectly packaged parchment provision?” Pinkie perkily proposed.
“Um. Yeah, I guess the package is... nice,” Twilight said, looking at it.
“Er. You write on parchment, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, subtle concern in her voice.
“It’s very durable,” Twilight said as she opened the package. “And I can’t just write to the princess with any old writing materials.”
“You have to keep buying it? You don’t recycle it?” Fluttershy asked.
“It’s expensive, but the royal court reimburses me for all the stationery materials I buy, anyway,” Twilight replied. “Spike has so much work to do as it is, and what if he got confused? What would the princess do if I wrote to her on a palimpsest?”
“Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!” Pinkie Pie said because she felt like it.
“But Twilight, don’t you know where parchment comes from?” Fluttershy persisted, a bit hesitantly.
“Ooooh oooh! I know!” Pinkie Pie answered. “Parchment comes from the same place as our glue, red lipstick, leather products, and gelatin desserts!”
Fluttershy steeled herself for a blunt expression of unfortunate truths.
“It comes from the store!” Pinkie finished. “Oh, that reminds me - I've gotta do some shopping for a party! Peace, pretty pastel pony pals!” Pinkie added as she ran out the door, before anyone realized that it's impossible to make a peace sign with hooves.
“Um. Okay,” Twilight said as she returned to unpacking the parchment.
“You know this comes from... animals, right?” Fluttershy asked.
“Oh, yes, Princess Celestia once sent me to take a tour of the parchment factory in Canterlot when I was a filly,” Twilight explained.
“She’s positively proficient on the process of proper parchment production!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie from behind Twilight, boosting her alliteration score by a further sixty-three points.
Twilight jumped with a start.
“I thought you went to the store,” Twilight said.
“I forgot my book,” Pinkie explained.
“Okay... bye, Pinkie.”
“Bye.”
“Um.. we were saying?” Twilight asked.
“So, you’re... already aware of how it’s made?”
“Oh, sure. First a carcass is flayed, then the skin is soaked to remove blood and grime,” Twilight began, slipping into the lecture-zone, oblivious to Fluttershy’s disconcertion as she continued in graphic technical detail. She got as far as describing what was done with the semilunar knife and was about to look for the Illustrated Guide to Flaying and Tanning before she noticed.
“Er, are you feeling alright, Fluttershy?” Twilight asked with genuine concern. “You don’t look so well.”
“It’s just — all those animals, Twilight...”
Twilight Sparkle at last grasped the crux of the issue.
“Um. Well, you know, this package will last us... quite a while,” Twilight said subjectively. “And... this is cruelty free parchment, actually. It’s from animals that died in old age. Of natural causes.”
Twilight smiled too earnestly. “They passed into their eternal rest surrounded by their loving families. Several generations! And also their dearest friends and even some distant cousins. With excellent palliative medical care. That’s one of the reasons it’s so expensive, all those analgesic herbs and... tasty berries and stuff.”
“I... I guess that doesn’t sound so bad,” Fluttershy replied.
“Right, so you don’t have to feel bad or worry about it,” Twilight said kindly to her friend.
“I was worried for a bit that you just didn’t care... but I’m glad it’s not as bad as I thought."
Twilight smiled nervously and began to wonder if she had done enough of the compassion thing and if now would be a good time to figure out why Fluttershy had come to the library in the first place, so she could help her and then get back to studying. Before Twilight could finish her sympathetic behavior calculating algorithm, Spike returned to the library, carrying a parcel.
“Twilight, the stationery shop didn’t have a whole ream of fetal lamb vellum, but they made it up with six quires of their best weanling rabbit parchment for no extra charge since we have the weekly standing order with them,” Spike helpfully explained.
Unfortunately, Spike noticed the other package before the mortified expressions of the ponies.
“Oh, I guess the normal package was delivered after all,” he observed. “That’s a relief. This stuff is really second rate.” The young dragon pulled out a sheet of parchment from the new bundle.
“Look, they said it’s weanling rabbit but I could swear this is made of two squirrel pelts glued together,” he said, holding it in Twilight’s face. “It’s not even the same kind of squirrel on both sides, half of it is darker.”
“Eh-heh.” Twilight muttered nervously.
He finally noticed her displeased expression. “I... guess you want me to try to get your money back? Maybe see if they have the rest of the lamb vellum in stock tomorrow?”
“You monster!” Fluttershy exclaimed, pushing past Spike and running from the library in tears.
There was a brief, stunned silence.
“I never would have guessed Fluttershy of all ponies to be a racist,” Spike complained, more disappointed than sad as he put the vellum back in the package. “I thought she liked dragons.”
“Um. She wasn’t talking about dragons. I... She was upset about animals being used for parchment, and I... ” Twilight paused. “I may have made the process out to be a bit more humane that was... compatible with me having a standing order for one ream per week of uterine lamb vellum.”
“Ohh.... sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, Spike, just bad timing. But now Fluttershy thinks I’m a monster and knows I lied to her. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to her...”
“Good thing she didn’t see the giant checklist you made this morning,” Spike remarked.
“Looks like a poorly planned prevarication on parchment production prompted a pernicious problem!” Pinkie Pie said, racking up 255 points in a go. She was in the zone.
Twilight jumped again.
“Pinkie.”
“Yep!”
“You’re back from the store so... quickly.”
“They didn’t have what I wanted to get.”
“How did you get in here?”
“What are we going to do about your parchment profligacy problem, Twilight Sparkle?” Pinkie ignored the questions as she walked over to Twilight, who was looking simultaneously annoyed and inconsolable. “It’s a pickle.”
Pinkie paused a moment.
“Come on, no-one likes to see a pouty purple pony, cheer up!” Pinkie said, expressing affection to Twilight and mentally adding another seven points to her tally. “We can figure this out.”
“Pouty purple po— Is this ‘P’-word thing going to be a new... thing... with you?”
“Only on prime-numbered calendar dates of months with names that contain sounds you make with your lips.”
“Spreading the frosting a bit thick today, aren’t you?” Twilight asked, rolling her eyes.
Pinkie Pie ignored the critical comment on her excellent new game.
“We can fix this. Tell Dr. Pie all about your latest social problems,” Pinkie said as she pushed Twilight onto a couch.
Twilight looked at the furniture, confused. “I don’t remember getting this couch.”
“I bought it for you this morning. Do you like it?”
“Ah... thanks. It’s nice, Pinkie.” Twilight was, at this point, too defeated to resist. She did not struggle as Pinkie Pie inflicted a faux-German accent on her helpless victim.
“Now, Frau Doktor Pinkiepei understands zat Fluttershy is upset because of all ze many, many Animals you callously condemn to ze Abattoir ven you order zese Reams of fine writing Materials, ja?”
“Um. Yes. Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that... I’m not a bad pony.”
“Ja, ja, vell, mein lila magische Stutfüllen, zis Problem has a simple Solution.”
“What did you just call... nevermind. It does? Should I just apologize and maybe use paper for general use? Try to cut back on parchment?”
“I hope the princess doesn’t start using paper,” Spike complained. “White paper tastes like chalk.”
“Not to just apologize, nein nein! You must build a Monument to ze rectify your collective Transgression to stand for all Time!”
“Um, that sounds... really hard. And what does it even mean? Pinkie Pie, I know you’re trying to be helpful and all but —”
Pinkie resorted to a cupcake to end the interruption.
“Zis is vat Tvilight Sparkle must do: you must not solve zis Problem for yourself only, but for ze whole Vorld.”
“Mmnf mrll nmrld,” Twilight protested.
“Yes! Solve the ze Problem of humane Parchment Production, and you vill win back her Friendship and prove zat you care about her Concerns.”
Twilight swallowed.
“That... that does make sense, Pinkie, but, how am I supposed to solve this—” Twilight blocked the administration of another cupcake with her hoof. “- this problem by myself? It sounds rather — Pinkie. I don’t want any more cupcakes. — It sounds rather complex. Where would I even start?”
“I bet you can do it before the week is out!” Pinkie said, resuming her normal accent. “I’m totally confident that you can do it. Surprise her, Twilight! Surprise the world!”
“Okay... I’ll try, Pinkie.”
“Good! Bye! Now I’m gonna go find Trixie so I can use ‘prestidigitator.'”
And with that she was gone.
“It’s a pretty nice couch,” said Spike. “But I think she’s trying to make you fat.”