Twilight stood silently on her balcony that overlooked Ponyville and released a small sigh of contentment. The weather was perfect today. Not too hot, not too cold; there were a few fluffy, marshmallow clouds drifting across the cerulean sky. Bird song sounded in the distance and the wind rustled gently through her mane. Truly a beautiful vista to behold.
“TWILIGHT~!”
The purple alicorn loosed a groan as the masterpiece shattered as she opened her eyes to see the ceiling of her dimly lit chambers.
“No,” she muttered, “it is too early to begin drinking… Too… early to begin drinking.”
“TWILIGHT! WHERE ARE YOU?!”
The alicorn princess rolled over and yanked her blanket over her head. “Tooo eeeeearly...”
“YOU AREN’T IN YOUR LAB SO YOU MUST BE IN BED!”
A very fake snore sounded from under the blanket.
“HELLLLOOOO~!”
Silence.
“TWI!!”
The blanket flew off and Twilight looked around blearily. “Bollocks,” she swore. “Where’s that bucking bottle?”
The door to her chambers crashed open and Starlight Glimmer marched in, banishing the magical megaphone as she strode up to the glowering Twilight.
“What?” Twilight grumbled, blinking the crusty sleep from her eyes.
“G’morning, Twilight,” chirped Starlight, ignoring the narrowing of Twilight’s eyes. “I was just-”
“I mean ‘what could you possibly want right now’?”
Starlight blinked. “Its nearly sunrise and-”
“In the morning?”
Starlight blinked again. “Yessss? I was hoping to tell you-”
“I mean, what in the name of Luna’s Mooning hindquarters could you want right now?” growled Twilight.
Starlight resisted the urge to bolt away and leave Twilight to her grumpy mood, but held firm. “Twilight, I need you to dig deep. It wasn’t a dream. You really are the Princess of Friendship.”
Twilight glared as she rolled out of bed onto her hooves. “I hope you’ve come to tell me something important,” she said testily.
Starlight frowned, glancing at the clock on the wall by the window. “How long have you been asleep?”
“Not long enough.” Twilight shuffled past the unicorn to her vanity and set to righting her mane from its encounter with her pillow. “Went to sleep at about four o’clock last night.” She looked at the clock in the mirror. She squinted, trying to force her still sleep-addled brain to properly decipher the clock’s reflection. After a moment, she gave up. “What time is it now?”
“...Seven...”
“In the morning?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t suppose I could convince you to leave for another hour or two.”
“No and stop trying to stealthily charge your horn. I have my shields up and you taught me that trick too, now get up and get ready to face Celestia’s bright new day.”
“I think you mean Discord’s Never Ending Bag of Horrible Surprises,” Twilight muttered into her pillow. She gave it one last apology hug before throwing the covers off herself and shivering at the relatively colder feeling air.
“So, what fire do we want to stomp out first today?” she asked, taking the offered cup of coffee from Starlight into her own magical embrace. She held it just under her nose for a minute or two.
“Actually, we’re starting with news of three fires already being put out for us for a change.” Starlight said with a weary grin on her face. Twilight immediately perked up.
“It’s good to hear my friends have had some successes,” Twilight said, her spirits buoyed by the news. “Let me guess: Applejack, Rarity and either Pinkie or Rainbow decided to finally take matters into their own hooves?”
“Other friends.”
“Minnetue, Lyra, and Moondancer?” Twilight guessed again.
“A little warmer in one part, but colder in the other two.”
“That, uh... that stallion who likes jelly too much, the waiter at the cafe I eat lunch at every third Thursday, and the one mare in the play whose mane I really like?”
Starlight’s face went into a disappointed frown.
“Twilight, do you even know any of their names?”
“Yes,” Twilight said defensively, trying to not draw the yes out too much while still drawing it out to stall for names. “Jelly Belly, Waits Staff, and, uh... Miss Mane?” Twilight sighed and took a long sip of her coffee. “Okay, I couldn’t think of any other friends right now. It’s too early and I’m too tired for these games. So just tell me.”
“Wits End, Purple Heart, and Light Patch,” Starlight deadpanned.
“Ah, that explains it. I have them on the ‘Debatably Friends’ list right now,” Twilight explained.
“It’s not entirely their fault, but fair. Anyway, which one do you wanna hear first?”
“None of them, but since you won’t let that be an option, let's go with the order you’ve received them in. At least I can hear that Spike is fine that way.”
“Surprisingly, you’re gonna have to wait for the second report, because somehow Light Patch’s report got to us first.”
“Considering he’d been sending almost daily reports, I guess that isn’t too surprising.”
“True. Anyway, it seems like it’s mostly good news from his end. Holdfast’s plan to gridlock and remove all confidence in Blueblood worked flawlessly.” Twilight cheered a little at that.
“With Blueblood off the throne and P.I.S.S. on the cutting room floor, maybe the Elements of Harmony can finally get things done again.”
“Ah-bout that... Holdfast didn’t really go along with dismantling P.I.S.S.”
Twilight’s good mood vanished like an unclaimed danish around Pinkie Pie. “And here I was thinking that getting out of bed wouldn’t be so bad. What do you mean, ‘he didn’t go along with it’?”
Starlight sighed. “Sometimes it’s obvious that you’ve never taken over a political power. Alright, short version. Since you’ve abstained from taking any kind of ruling role, the only two things keeping Equestria working are the Senate and P.I.S.S., and one of those is filled with so many conflicting parties that nothing can get done. Until a new regent can be elected, Holdfast got P.I.S.S. to oversee the things Blueblood left undone, like, I don’t know, the Alicorn Invasion and the Bandit War.”
“...Just because it makes sense doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“Oh, for the love of Celestia’s hindquarters… He’s on your side, Twilight! Have you even read the edicts coming from P.I.S.S.?”
“Have you been reading my mail?”
“Not important. Holdfast’s votes on the council have been to direct the Elements into protecting Equestria; the thing you’ve always said you wanted the Elements to do! The rest of the council has him outnumbered, and that’s where you get things like ‘Don’t raise a hoof without signing in triplicate’ come from.”
Twilight blinked. “Huh.”
“Honestly, with how quickly you forgive other villains, you’d think you’d be more accepting of a guy who was never a villain in the first place.”
“Alright, alright! I’ll lay off him until he tries a power grab.” Twilight sipped her coffee. “Who’s next? Is it Spike?”
“You mean Wits?” Starlight asked.
“I mean Spike, but Wits is there too.”
“Man, you’re just full of sass today.” Starlight sighed. “Yes, Spike sent a letter after Wits and his group went silent. They were able to round up the bandits with minimal damage or injuries.”
“Minimal damage doesn’t exactly sound like Wits’ style,” Twilight grumbled.
“Apparently your brother helped out.” After a moment, Starlight chuckled. “Which, by the way, he had some questions about why Wits was able to perfectly match your, and I quote, ‘overtly loquacious and esoteric verbiage’.”
“Cadence definitely helped him with those words,” Twilight deadpanned. “So everything’s alright in the north?”
Starlight nodded. “Your friend Moondancer, along with Rogue Squadron, will be staying in the Crystal Empire temporarily to figure out how to keep the Orb of Glacious out of anypony else’s hooves. Wits, Spike, and the rest of the 597th are on their way back to Ponyville.”
“Great,” Twilight grumbled into her coffee, “just what I need. Dozens of alicorns drinking every drop of alcohol in my castle.”
“You should switch to decaf. I think the coffee is making you irritable.”
“I was irritable before this whole mess, and until it’s solved, I’m going to keep being irritable,” Twilight retorted. “Out of spite if I have to.” She gave Starlight a look over the rim of her mug. “And the last one?”
“What last one?”
“Purple Heart.”
“Oh, him.” Starlight humed, cocking her head to one side. “Nothing from him yet that I can recall.”
Twilight lowered her mug, letting out an explosive sigh. “Well, I should have expected at least one of them to screw up.”
Starlight frowned. “That’s a little pessimistic,” she noted.
Twilight shrugged. “‘Plans rarely survive first contact with the enemy’ is what I’m sure he would say,” she said. “Painful as it is to admit it, the purple bugger is smart in his own, sassy little way. I’m sure he can think of something.” She paused in taking another sip. “Although, coming to his rescue would feel particularly delicious...” She slurped at her coffee, only to groan softly when none of the bitter beverage hit her tongue.
“Then what do you propose we do?” Starlight asked.
“Moar coffee.” Twilight soared away, flapping through the corridors to the kitchen. Starlight groaned and went after her.
“Coffee won’t fix all your problems!” she called as she made pursuit.
“You can’t stop me from trying!” Twilight rebutted. “Most governments run on coffee.”
“Thank goodness ours didn’t,” Starlight mumbled. When she caught up with the purple alicorn in the kitchen, the mare in question was staring at the coffee maker in silence as it worked.
With a sigh, Starlight tried to pull Twilight away. “We have more things to discuss,” she urged. “The coffee will be here when we get back.”
“You can’t prove that,” Twilight retorted, eyes glued to the carafe.
“You’re right, I can’t,” snapped Starlight. “But watching it won’t make it go faster.”
“What if I time travelled to the future to get it when it's done?” Twilight proposed. “Or to the past where I’m already drinking it?”
Starlight couldn’t help letting her jaw hang open as she stared at the focused mare.
“There are… so many ethical and moral reasons I could list,” the unicorn muttered, “for why you shouldn’t TIME TRAVEL TO GET YOUR COFFEE FIX!”
The echo of Starlight’s shout echoed for only a second when it was violently overshadowed by a thundering at the front door. Both mares snapped their heads around to stare at the corridor. The thundering had barely finished echoing when it began anew, harsher and with much more urgency than before.
“Either someone is using a high-speed battering ram on your front door,” Starlight commented, “or something heavy wants your attention.”
Twilight looked from the corridor to the carafe and back several times and eventually locked her gaze on the corridor leading to the entrance hall.
“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFINE.” She turned from the coffee maker with a great deal of effort and made her way out of the kitchen to the front hall.
A few seconds later, Twilight threw the main door to her castle wide open. “What could possibly be so important that you have to announce yourself like a trumpeting eleph- Oh.”
An elephant, in full dress uniform, looked down the impressive length of his trunk at the relatively diminutive princess. “If I may speak freely, ma’am, you would be surprised how often I receive that exact comment and reaction.”
“Sorry,” Twilight took to the air, hovering in front of the pachyderm’s face. “I just wasn’t expecting an elephant at my front door.”
“In my experience, ma’am, ponies rarely are. May I come in?”
Twilight resisted the temptation to ask if they could fit, and instead made a sweeping gesture as she hovered out of the way. “I assume you’ve come from helping Purple Heart with the alicorns?”
“You would be quite correct, ma’am.” The elephant entered, after carefully wiping each foot on the entirety of the welcome mat one at a time. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Horton of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army, under Colonel Hathi.”
“Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight said, shaking the offered trunk, “of… here. I’m afraid my title isn’t as impressive as yours.”
“Worry not, ma’am. I was well briefed about your many accomplishments.” Captain Horton nodded once. “Anyways, reporting in. Mister Purple Heart’s plan to return the alicorn task force rampaging behind our lines was a success. When I left, the combined might of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade and Mister Heart’s own Armoured Legion had successfully installed a ‘plug’ in the portal through which the alicorns were sent.”
Starlight arched an eyebrow at the phrasing of the elephant’s report. “A plug?” she asked.
Horton’s stalwart posture softened slightly and he furrowed his brow. “Ehm… yes… Mister Heart created a bulwark of interwoven material created by himself to cover the surface of the portal to prevent the arrival of any intruders.”
“He put an aperture over the portal?” Twilight asked.
Horton’s frown deepened. “I suppose?” He shook his head. “To be brief, Mister Purple Heart successfully lured the enemy task force in a merry chase and tricked them into going through the portal, after which he blockaded it. He then ordered the encampment moved to guard the portal before, quite frankly, passing out. Fortunately, he is recovering quickly and should be back on his hooves even as we speak.” He nodded definitively. “End of report. Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”
“I don’t suppose you happen to have brought some coffee with you, or know some secret recipe to make coffee in just seconds.” Twilight asked hopefully.
“Hah, if we elephants had that knowledge the princesses would have likely renamed Equestria to Elephanestria in our honor for having shared it.” The elephant snorted through his trunk, disturbing Owlicious who’d chosen to sleep in that room. “Ah, did either of you happen to hear a Who just now?”
“No, but I do happen to have a pet owl,” Twilight replied with a shrug.
“That's probably it. Battle tends to leave the ears ringing for a while afterwards.” The elephant seemed to think for a moment. “Well, if there’s nothing else I should get back to my unit.” The pachyderm dipped his head and turned to begin making his way back through the town.
“You know, he’s able to take those corners surprisingly sharp for the speed he’s going.” Starlight remarked as she watched the elephant depart.
“You don’t think he was lying and is actually holding out on the secret of good instant coffee, do you?” Twilight asked.
“Not everything in the world revolves around coffee,” Starlight replied.
“If it’s after three and before nine in the morning, then yes, it does,” Twilight sniffed, turning back to head towards the active coffee machine.
“Oh, come on, Twilight! That the colts were successful in stomping out the three larger fires has to mean something to you!”
“It means this will probably only be a two cup morning rather than a four.”
“You're just mad they cleaned up the three messes you and your friends couldn’t,” Starlight tried to lightly tease.
“You mean the messes that they created and made us unable to touch!” Twilight retorted.
“Surely cleaning up their own messes, in a roundabout way, has to count for a little credit for them. I mean, I almost brought about Equestria’s doom in a Neopolitan sampler of flavors. And you’ve forgiven me. Mostly... I still don’t see why you won’t let me use tuning forks in the castle.”
“Because if I tell you why, you’ll just want to do it for yourself, and you're less irritating to deal with long term than those three can be. Aside from the whole ‘Trixie as your best friend’ thing.” Twilight poured herself a new cup of coffee, ignoring the eye roll from Starlight.
“Lighten up, Twilight. We’re finally at the ‘Beginning of the End’ or whatever one of those three would say.”
“Yeah... I guess we are... I hate to say it, but I should send letters to have those three meet back here as soon as they can. I feel like the longer we leave them twisting in the wind on their own, the more likely some fourth incident is gonna appear.” Twilight sighed into her fresh cup of coffee, savouring the warmth, smell, and taste.
“Yeah, I can’t really argue with that. I’ll go scratch out a first draft of those ‘get your flanks back here’ letters. After I've finished my cup,” Starlight decided, finally earning a smile from Twilight, short lived as it was.
“Maybe I’m just getting too used to dealing with disasters, but do you think we’re forgetting something?”
“I don’t think so. It’s probably just that Who whispering doubts into your ears. Another cup of coffee will probably wash it away,” Starlight suggested flippantly.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. If I spend all my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’ll never notice the first one being whanged at me.” Twilight went cross eyed for a moment as what she’d said registered. “Why does that sound like something they’d say, and why did I say it?”
“Because it totally sounds like something one of them would say. Maybe once the last ‘i’ is dotted and the last ‘t’ crossed, you should sit down with some of the classics again. Clear their stuff from your head some.”