“I don’t know. Anyone feel less evil?” Light Patch sounded out into the room, trying to dig himself out of the pile of notes and books.
“You say that like you think most would actively consider themselves as evil,” A muffled voice answered back.
“Well, to the unicorns in the room then, do you all feel more coherently magical… or should that be more coherently less magical?” the pegasus asked, finally picking himself free of the books.
“I think it would be more coherently magical. And to answer that, I don’t know. Maybe... I’ll tell you when I stop seeing in triplicate,” Wits End muttered, rubbing his eyes.
“Was it supposed to explode like that?” Purple Heart asked, heaving himself back to his hooves and rubbing the side of his head that had found the wall the hard way.
“I was really hoping it wouldn’t do something like that,” Twilight answered, putting a little more power into the spell and looking around the room. “Oh, it did work.” She finished lamely as the room's regular lamps flickered to life.
“What makes you so sure?” Wits End asked. Before Twilight could reply, a familiar voice chimed in.
“Did what work?” the voice asked, causing the three colts to look to the other side of the room to see three new ponies.
The first pony to stand was also the most immediately familiar, being a near spitting image of Holdfast, although much older than the one Twilight had gotten used to dealing with as of late. The next one stood taller but much shakier on his hooves as evidenced by having actually failed to stand two times before. He reminded her of Just Duty, but subtly different; younger, but not by much. And the last was a green earth pony to rival Purple Heart or Big Mac in size. Twilight couldn’t really recognize him but was able to guess who it was at least, thanks mostly to simple elimination.
“I believe the answer is ‘yes’,” the green pony replied coolly.
Wits’ lip curled up into a sneer. “Man, and here I’d gotten used to not seeing that guy.”
Holdfast smirked back at the unicorn. “At least I don’t have to look at your face in the mirror every morning, boy.”
“And now I’m remembering why I don’t like you,” Wits shot back.
“Can you two relax for five seconds?” Twilight cut the two unicorns off, leaving Wits to grumble as she turned to the three newcomers. “If any of you try anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, it’s a one way trip to the moon for all three of you. Got it?”
Holdfast met her gaze coldly, then shrugged. “Fine. I’ll try to restrain myself for now.”
“A quick question ma’am?” Just Duty asked, looking at Twilight. “Well, two actually: where am I and why am I a pony?”
“You're in my castle, and you're a pony because on this side of the mirror, most humans tend to be turned into ponies because of magic. I’m sure Light Patch will cover everything in due time, or Sunset if Light Patch ends up being too busy,” Twilight explained, turning to look at the green earth pony waiting for his inevitable interruption.
Bael blinked under the alicorn’s sudden scrutiny. “What? Are you expecting some snarky remark or a passive aggressive comment?” he asked.
“Frankly, yes. So, out with it. Get it over with.”
“...You’re looking… really, uh… purple today?”
Twilight’s eye twitched. “That’s it?”
Bael huffed in irritation. “I don’t know how to deal with this paranoia,” he grumbled, glancing at Purple Heart.
The purple earth pony gave a shrug. “You get used to it.”
“Well, I don’t wanna. Dealing with you was bad enough. Now we gotta deal with her? No thanks.”
“You could always leave,” Purple commented.
“With the way she’s glaring at me, I don’t think that’d be a good thing for my health,” mused Bael, eyeing the scowling alicorn warily.
Purple Heart nodded slowly. “Probably. I can almost see the steam coming outta her ears.”
“I wonder if she runs on steam or some magical cocktail,” Bael wondered, rubbing his chin with a hoof.
“I’d say sheer spite at the rate she’s dumping smoke into the room,” Purple postulated.
“I’m so glad I let you two get it out of your system,” Twilight growled through gritted teeth. She took a deep breath and followed that with nine more before she finally felt ready.
“Now that we’ve got that done, I have a few checks I need to run to make sure everything has been cleaned up. Hate it or despise it, we’re all stuck together for a bit longer. So be quiet and get along so I can make this quick,” Twilight ordered, closing her eyes to focus on spells meant to check for any bits of magic signatures remaining where they shouldn’t be. This, of course, left the two non-active groups of colts sitting in awkward silence. Finally, after a few moments, Officer Just Duty shakily made his way over to the three younger colts.
“So, you’ve also gotten stuck in all of this, huh, Light Patch,” he said to the three in general as the grey pegasus gave a short laugh.
“For a bit longer than you.”
“Kind of wish I’d visited my cousin’s horse ranch more when I was younger,” Just Duty muttered for a few moments. “Even for a pony, you’re a bit bigger than I’d have expected you to be.”
“Well... that probably comes down to me having been deaged when I was in your world.”
“Wait... you’re not my-” Officer Just Duty caught himself. “You're not the Light Patch from the other side of this mirror she mentioned?”
“Welcome to the wonderful world of parallel universes and magic,” Light Patch replied with a sardonic chuckle.
“That adds a few more questions to my list,” the officer muttered with a sigh. “I think I’m gonna have to fast track that retirement when I get home.”
“Don’t worry. It’ll all make sense once it’s explained. As long as you accept that magic is a critical component of said explanation.”
“I mean, that’s basically the entire explanation,” Wits said. “It’s magic, the end.”
Holdfast chuckled mirthlessly. “Yes, you would be able to pick out an explanation for simpletons, wouldn’t you?”
Wits shot a glare at the older stallion. “Do you want to give a more in-depth description?” he shot back. “I’m sure you learned a lot while stuck in a mason jar on Discord’s shelf.”
“I spent my time learning a great deal of things from the god of chaos,” Holdfast replied. “And, might I remind you, I’m not the one who threw us into that portal in the first place. Maybe you should have tried to learn something from Discord as well.”
“Did you learn how to take a punch?”
“What does that have to do with-” Holdfast was cut off by a spectral fist slamming against his muzzle, sending the stallion reeling back.
“That,” Wits said, dismissing the summoned hand, “felt good.” His victory was short-lived, as a stool was magically swung against his side. The colt was sent tumbling into a pile of books with a yelp.
“And that,” Holdfast replied, pinching his bleeding nose with one forehoof, “was a long time coming.”
Twilight opened her eyes to find what looked like one of the Wonderbolts’ mock combat drills taking place in her library of spellbooks as the two unicorns flung heavy tomes at each other with wild abandon. “Oh, for the love of...” Her horn flashed, summoning a pair of magic-nullifying circlets and applying them—no too gently—to the foreheads of the two combattants. “If this comes down to wild swinging,” she called, “then I’m putting the two of you in time out like the children you are.”
“He started it!” Both stallions shouted in unison.
Twilight squinted at the two unicorns. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of green that had her spinning around, fully prepared to send Purple Heart through the wall.
Bael blinked, a string frozen in front of him with a tub of popcorn. “What?”
“Where did you get that?” Twilight growled.
“Purps told me you would SMITE or Eldritch BLAAAA him if he used his strings,” the green pony explained. “Even if it wasn’t for hostile purposes. As for this-” he gestured to the popcorn tub that Purple Heart was gorging himself on, “-gotta have snacks to watch the show. Aaand you’re steaming again...”
“I just need a few minutes of quiet to make sure the spell didn’t make any horrible mistakes! So just get along for a few minutes! Or, at the VERY least, fake it!” Twilight growled, glaring at the six before taking another ten deep breaths and starting her magical scan again.
“Is that really Purple Hearts little brother?” Officer Just Duty asked, looking between Bael and Purple Heart.
“Oh boy, is that a long explanation,” Light Patch sighed and rubbed his muzzle as he puzzled how to start.
“The short answer is yes,” Wits said, poking at the circlet stuck to his head. “Although, given that Bael was created from PH’s brain, I guess it’d be more like a Zeus and Athena situation.”
Just Duty’s eyes widened. “Are you saying Purple Heart is his father?”
“Please don’t. If anyone was going to call PH ‘daddy’ just to mess with him, it’d be Bael.”
Holdfast stopped looking at his own circlet in the mirror. “If it meant seeing you uncomfortable, I’d vouch for their relationship in front of the king of Roania.”
“Queen of Roania,” Wits corrected. “Or did you forget that we foiled your little coup attempt by kicking your flank so hard Discord had to confiscate your physical form?”
“You,” Holdfast said, a growl entering his voice, “are like a petulant child.”
“And you’re like a donkey’s rear end. I guess we both have our problems.”
“For the love of Celestia’s hindquarters, would you two shut up?!” Twilight stomped her hoof on the ground, silencing the bickering. “As far as I can tell, the spell worked. I’ll run some individual tests, but for now I’m ready to call this a success. What I wasn’t expecting was to have to deal with six ponies acting like children instead of three pretending to be adults!”
Bael chuckled. “What’re you gonna do? Send everyone to their rooms?”
Twilight made direct eye contact with the larger Earth Pony, and held it for a good five second without blinking. “Yes.” With a flash of her horn, all six ponies vanished; each reappearing in a sealed room similar to the one the three colts had been held in before. Twilight sighed, taking in the silence. “That’s one problem taken care of.”
She looked around at the absolute mess of her lab. “And that’s one for another day.”
* * *
With a flash of magic, Purple Heart, Wits End, and Light Patch reappeared in the same conference room they’d found themselves in not too long ago. The trio of colts stood in silence, blinking away the spots in their vision.
“Well,” Purple Heart grunted, “at least we didn’t end up in a pile of unhappiness on the floor. What do we do now? We’re still basically grounded here. What is Twilight thinking splitting us off is going to solve?”
“Probably figures keeping us together means we’ll either limit each other or at least be easier to keep track of while she does whatever she feels like doing,” Light Patch mused, flopping onto a beanbag in the room.
“Or to keep one of us from beating the tar out of their villainous counterpart,” Wits said. “You know, just as an example.” He took a seat in one of the chairs and pondered for a moment. “Hey, you know what? I do feel less evil now.”
Purple cocked his head to the side and frowned. “Were we really evil in the first place?”
One of Wits’ hands whacked the purple earth pony upside the head. “Uh-uh, none of that philosophical BS right now,” Wits ordered, ignoring Purple’s pained grunt. “We were Evil. Eeeeeeviiiiiiiil. Evil League of Evil Evil. That kind of Evil. Capiche?”
“No,” chorused Light and Purple.
“HNGH.”
“Calm down, Wits,” Purple soothed from six steps away. “If you feel less evil, I believe you… Insight check.”
“We did make better heroes than we did villains at least,” Light Patch said to the ceiling.
“Speaking of making better heroes,” Wits mused, “we have a problem. Well, three of them to be precise. A civil war, an invading army, and an incompetent ruler to be percise.”
“We did make a fine mess of things, didn’t we?” Light Patch sighed as he laid his forelegs over his face.
“In our defense, it’s been a long few years,” Purple commented dryly.
“Has it been years?” Light Patch asked. “I thought it was only a few months or so.”
“Who knows at this point.” Purple sat at the table and raised his hooves in a vague attempt at steepling. “Anyways, civil war, invading army, incompetent ruler. I am willing to admit that we did kinda screw everything up for Twilight, the Mane Six, and Equestria at large. But, we are also still stuck here.” He waved a hoof at the room and the castle in general. “Not much we can do except wait.”
“And what if I don’t want to sit on the bench and watch everyone else play sportsball?” Wits replied testily.
“You know... if we helped clean up our mess, it might be a good way for us to get back into Twilight's good graces. Or at least keep us from being sidelined for the rest of this. Why don’t you go work your magic and seduce Sol and Penumbra?” Light Patch suggested, looking up at the mint colored unicorn.
Wits shook his head. “No way. I’ve learned my lesson after trying to lose that war multiple times. You can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that got you into it, and you can’t seduce your way out of a problem with the same incredibly handsome stallion that caused it. One of you two is gonna have to deal with that one.”
“For the good of the group, I bravely volunteer myself to seduce them.” Light Patch quickly jumped in, saluting with a wing. “Besides, Purple Heart already has his own little private army. I’m sure he can march his elephants over the ice and snow to ruin their days.”
“I like that plan,” Wits said, “it’s a good plan. Except it sucks and I hate it. I’d put me in charge of fixing Equestria’s government, and you don’t want that.”
Light Patch gave a long-suffering sigh. “And why’s that, your ponciness?”
“Haven’t you seen me play CK3? The way I fix governmental problems is with knives and long walks off balconies.” Wits looked Light Patch over. “Besides, you’re not the princesses’ type.”
“I guess I don’t quite have the legs for dresses,” Light huffed, looking at Wits, “Alright, then I guess if you’re out and so am I. That means Purple Heart is gonna be left up to dealing with the alicorn invasion.”
“Question: when you say ‘dealing with the alicorn invasion’, do you mean ‘dealing' with the alicorn invasion’ or ‘dealing' with the alicorn invasion’?” Purple Heart asked, hoof raised.
Wits narrowed his eyes. “I mean getting them back through the portal without breaking the Geneva Suggestions. Besides, you’re the one with the immortal army of knock-off Armoroids and elephants in their element. Let me take the 597th and handle the rebels up north.”
Purple Heart nodded along as Wits gave his explanation. “Gotcha,” he said. “Do what I was already doing anyway, but with less bodily harm and more bodily charm. Sounds plan-like. Pacifist Run, ho!”
“Well, I’m glad that’s settled. That just leaves me- wait... that leaves me with...” Light’s pupils shrank to pin pricks. “You can’t leave me with fixing the government! I’mma make a mess out of it!”
Wits shot a glance at Purple Heart. “Is it possible to make more of a mess out of the government at this point? I mean, with Blueblood and P.I.S.S. and the council and everything.”
“I mean...” Purple shrugged. “There’s also the senate to consider. I may have also wrapped up Generals Belisaddelus and Belli so that they couldn’t lead the Royal Guard against me. Aaaaaaaaand Princesses Celestia and Luna are still in the breeze.” He turned to Light Patch, wincing at the dead look on the pegasus’ face. “Yeh, good luck with that.”
“Can’t get any worse, right?” Wits offered with a half-hearted smile.
“Alright! But when we come out of this with an anarchist autocracy, no one is allowed to blame me. I refuse to accept blame for doing what neither of you would!” Light Patch sighed as he laid his legs over his face again. “I’m gonna make it law that you guys have to wear tiny miniskirts or stupid hats or something,” he muttered.
Both Wits and Purple raised their forehooves and pressed them together in front of their faces. “Concern...” they chorused.
“Unless anyone has anything else they want me to break, I think we oughta take this plan to Twilight and try to convince her it’s not terrible.” Light Patch slumped in his chair. “I vote we let Wits try to sell it. It’s his plan anyway.”
“Don’t worry. Twi and I are like this now.” The unicorn held up a forehoof, then frowned. “This works much better with fingers.” He summoned a spectral hand, holding two fingers next to each other. “Let me do the talking, and then jump in to save my flank when Twilight calls me out for it being insane.”
“Gotcha. Shove your flank into the fire and run when things go wrong,” Purple Heart agreed.
“I could make you both Twilight’s assistants as some kind of community service,” the pegasus mused aloud.
Twilight opened the door with a heavy sigh. “Well, I’ve confirmed that the other three have 100% of their own soul junk, so I think the spell worked. How are you three feeling?”
Wits stood. “Much less villain-y. Listen, the three of us had an idea-”
“No.”
“Just hear me out-”
“I absolutely will not.”
Wits glanced back at the other two colts. “See, we’re off to a good start already. We’ll be in an uneasy agreement before the next chapter starts.”