We were interrupted by the arrival of Coalsmoke in her finest mourning hat, veil and sashes. Smiling but sadly, she greeted us, “Grumpy! Mister Mollycoddle! I am so glad that you could make it to the funeral. Caramel and Fangrin are catering the dining after we return from the graveyard.”
Mortimer nodded, “Most appropriate. Noxon often dined at their establishment and thought highly of it. When would you like the reading of the will to happen?”
Nox Eous barged into the Assembly and snapped, “Sooner the better! We could just blow off this farce of a funeral and go do it right now!”
A soft voice just behind him, suggested, “While we do know your opinion of both the deceased and his widow, it is not shared by the rest of us. You could go now but do not come the dinner celebrating Noxon’s life.”
“Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do …” he trailed off as he spun about and had to look up a wall of gray fur, tipped with black, past the lean fang filled jaws, to the eyes of Caramel Treat, in her form as the biggest Everfree Ridgeback Wolf in all of Equestria. Only a little smaller, Fangrin, her mate was by her side. Also in wolf form.
As he wilted under her gaze, Caramel added, “Fangrin and I are catering the celebration of Noxon’s life at our place of business. Anypony who speaks ill of either Noxon’s memory or of his widow, Coalsmoke, is not welcome there and will not be served.”
Coalsmoke broke into the discussion, “Mister Mollycoddle, you asked when I would like the reading of the will? We could take care of it after the funeral and before the buffet. We could use Caramel’s closed dining area.”
She gave Caramel a wink and a small nod. “That would be OK, wouldn’t it, Caramel?”
Caramel nodded slowly. “As long as he leaves directly after. That buffet is for Noxon’s friends and associates.”
We all turned from our concerns to see Reverend Smallflower come in and take his place behind the pulpit. His sermon was relatively short, graceful and filled with anecdotes from Noxon’s life in happier times. In the whole room, only one pony or other did not grieve for his loss. Nox Eous, who else?
We all filed past the casket, decorated by many floral arrangements. There was a portrait of a smiling Noxon and Coalsmoke beside him sharing a pleasant moment. Nox Eous surreptitiously produced a tube of paint to deface the portrait.
I quietly bloopered him first, hitting him with a harmless but utterly embarrassing spell called Friday the 13th! Like its namesake, it only lasts for a day if not dispelled earlier. A day where EVERYTHING that can go wrong for the victim will go wrong!
He bungled the tube of paint, dropping it and stepping on it. It folded a bit as it let go under the pressure of his hoof! He was looking down at it and got a face full of his own paint! Stepping back in alarm, he forgot that he and the casket were on a dais! He tumbled over backwards and trying to regain his feet, he became entangled in a folding seat!
I saw Reverend Smallflower looking directly at me and shaking his head, no.
I nodded and muttered, “Grace.” That dispelled the Friday the 13th and let Nox get to his feet after a few minor misadventures that were only due to his clumsiness. He stalked out, head low, ears flat, and tail down tight in embarrassment.
I handed the stompped tube of paint to Reverend Smallflower. He smiled as he took it. “Sometimes, Grumpeter, things get so solemn that a small spot of silliness is not a bad thing. It could not be allowed to go on under the circumstances but I did enjoy it while it lasted.”
The mourners formed a double row from the Assembly door to the hearse. Noxon’s casket was carried to the hearse on the backs of Caramel and Fangrin. Coalsmoke followed, every inch the properly mourning widow.
The procession wended its way to the Cemetery where we were greeted by open gates. At the graveside, Reverend Smallflower gave a brief eulogy and Noxon’s mortal remains were lowered to his appointment with eternity.
We mourners all made our way to Caramel’s. Coalsmoke and Mortimer went into her enclosed dining area for the reading of the will. Nox Eous joined us, still red of face from his paint. It was smeared about some and he was in a fouler mood.
“First, these here whorses, that Palomino and that white one, tell me I can’t come in for anything to eat or to use the washroom! Then a stupid policepony stop me from washing off my face in the fountain in the park! What am I supposed to do, huh?”
I suggested brightly, “You could go home and let us alone. Just after the reading of the will, of course. You being red in the face from trying to mess up a funeral is no problem to US!”
He was still growling under his breath as he was led to the indoor dining area where Coalsmoke and Mortimer awaited.
Coalsmoke patted a seat beside her and asked, “Would you please stay and be a witness, Grumpy?”
I promptly sat. Nox Eous curled a lip at me but stayed sensibly silent.
Mort opened his case and pulled out a substantial amount of paperwork. He spread out a file and took up the single sheet that it contained. “This is the last will and testament of Noxon.
“Being of sound mind, I Noxon, do bequeath and distribute my estate as follows:
“First, I give to my cousin Nox Eous, known hearafter as Nox, voting stock in Equestrian National Bank, amounting to 5,053 shares.
“Second, to Nox, I bequeath voting stock in Canterlot Casualty and Life, amounting to 7,105 shares.
“Third, to Nox, I give my estate of 125 acres with a mansion of 30 rooms near the city of Canterlot. To receive this property, he must sign the papers provided by Mortimer Mollycoddle, DEL.
“Fourth, to Nox, I render my estate of 85 acres with a 22 room mansion near the city of Ponyville. To receive this property, he must sign the papers provided by Mortimer Mollycoddle, DEL.
“Knowing that my lovely wife Coalsmoke is well off financially and has estates and mansion of her own, I give to her this envelope containing a proof of my love and caring and the sum of β100 gold.
“May she prosper well in the future.
“Noxon”
Nox Eous sneered, “Looks like he done cut you out total! What’s in that envelope?”
Coalsmoke returned coolly, “I will read it later, in private. He said that he loved me and I believe him.”
Mortimer interrupted, “Mister Nox Eous, you get nothing, until all the necessary papers are signed. These are for your stock portfolio.”
“What is this here assumption of liability thing?”
Coalsmoke told him, “They are voting stocks. They allow you to go to stockholder meetings and vote on Bank or CC&L business. Their dividends are tied to company profits or losses. To hold such stocks you have to sign that assumption. That’s all.”
Chortling, “Thousands of shares and estates too! I gonna be rich!” he was busy signing papers as we left. We emerged into a Funeral Feast well underway. Coalsmoke took her place at the head table with the traditional Empty Place to her right hoof. The plate at the Empty Place was piled high with all the good things being served from the buffet.
As Coalsmoke raised her cup in toast to Noxon, Nox Eous struck it from her and made a grab for Noxon’s Plate! Faster than most would believe possible, Caramel had changed from pony to wolf! Her jaws were fixed in Nox’s foreleg. Blood was seeping around her teeth.
Fangrin, also now a wolf told him, “The signs state clearly that the whole restaurant is closed until five pm, reserved for a private event. You were told directly that you were not welcome. If you do not stop your uncivil behavior, Caramel is allowed by law to bite your foreleg completely through.”
“You can’t do that! There is laws against assault!”
Constable Crager spoke up from one of the tables, “Afraid that you are wrong, Sir. As you are trespassing on a closed and private event, Caramel can use whatever force she deems needful to stop your vandalism and desecration of the funeral.”
He trotted up and put Nox Eous in manacles, saying, “Caramel, you may release him.
“Nox Eous, I am placing you under arrest on the charges of criminal trespass, vandalism and attempted vandalism, desecration of a funeral, assault and attempted theft.”
Windy approached Constable Crager with one of Caramel’s extension mirrors, so that he could call for a backup to take Nox Eous away.
While the prisoner was being transferred, Celestia and Luna trotted up, exulting, “We only have a few tiny details from the Bleatin’ Hallow mess to deal with and the audits are done! Both CC&L and EQNB are formally bankrupt!
“CC&L will be dissolved as soon as its assets can be called in. We are looking for some institution that will take over their policies for a reasonable price. There were a lot of voting shares, so no one share will be very hard hit. The holders will only owe about β15gold per share toward the bankruptcy!”
Celestia snorted happily, “All that I need to find are ten Bleatin’ Hallow land titles! We can’t really totally dissolve EQNB. It is too vital to the transfer of funds kingdom wide. It will undergo a bankruptcy and reorganization. All of its present assets will be recalled and sold off. The present voting shares will be recalled, charged β22 gold, 3 silver and two and canceled. New shares in the reorganized Bank will be offered after the market stabilizes.”
Nox was listening, utterly aghast as he sorted out how valuable his stocks had just become! It was almost a kindness when the officers led Nox Eous away.
Mort smiled at what he heard and told Coalsmoke, “My dear, now would be a most auspicious time to read the contents of Noxon’s last note to you. It may comfort you more than I knew when it was included in the will.”
She carefully opened the envelope. It was thicker than when I gave it to Mort this morning. She read,
“My Dear Coalsmoke: As you know from the note that I left their Highnesses, I was involved against my will in the Bleatin’ Hallow mess by higher ups who had the power to terminate my position. I have done what I could to spare you from the disaster that I know is coming. EQNB is far overextended, in part due to CC&L’s improper and illegal policy payouts.
“I have done what I can to spare you and your friends, the goats of Bleatin’ Hallow. I have found and included ten land titles all ready for transfer, needing only the signatures of the goats to return them to their land.
“For you, I have prepared a Secure Gold Transfer for the majority of my accounts, leaving only β120. β100 will be given in my will, to sever you from the consequences of the coming collapse, leaving twenty to hold the account open. I am working on getting you more but do not know if I will have the time.
“I wish that I could be granted more time with so wonderful a wife.
“Noxon”
Tears running down her cheeks, Coalsmoke laid out documents on the table. Ten land titles. “Here, Celestia. These are the ten titles that I could not find to buy back for my friends. Look, he gave me an SGT for β2,460 gold from his account. I guess that he did finish what he was working on, too. There is another SGT here, made out to the bearer, for β50,000.”
Romaine carefully getting pictures of Celestia getting the last items of her audit, asked innocently, “What about those two big estates that Nox Eous got? Aren’t they worth a lot?”
Celestia chuckled, “Yes and no. They are worth a lot of bits, yes. They are the worst thing that could have happened to him. He only has a pittance. Those estates have mortgage payments due in about twenty two days after the EQNB mortgage freeze is over. The housekeeping staffs have to be paid. The groundskeepers have to be paid. Principality and Kingdom taxes need to be paid. There will be maintenance on all of the structures.
“At the moment, his mortgages are frozen. He cannot give, sell or trade the properties without EQNB permission, and that can’t happen until after the reorganization. He still must pay the staff regardless. Once the mortgage freeze is over, he could try to sell one of the estates and use the income from that sale to cover his debits on the other. If he is both wise and lucky, he could sell both estates and actually be pretty well off. Unlikely though. Expensive properties like those sell really slowly.
“Noxon really shafted him! Couldn’t have happened to a better pony.”
I wrinkled my brow in thought as I asked, “Can he borrow against a sale to be made after the mortgages are unfrozen? If he did that, he could at least keep the Ponyville estate by using the income from the borrowing, and let the Canterlot estate sale go through when it can.”
Luna gave a diabolical grin as she replied, “In theory, yes. Sadly for him, he needs the mortgage holder to sign off on such a deal. That is usually pretty routine but at the moment, the whole department that he needs to do it has been dissolved. He will need to wait at least two months before it can be done.”
As we were all sitting back to eat, Romaine proposed a toast, “To Nox Eous! May he not try swimming with those financial millstones around his neck, lest he drown at once!”
Giggling, we all drank to that.
Coalsmoke picked up her interrupted toast, “To Noxon! A loving husband who did his best in trying circumstances and proved to be craftier than those who would bring him down!”
We drank to that, too.