//------------------------------// // Chapter 3 // Story: INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail< // by De Writer //------------------------------// I picked up everything, folding and sorting the pages into three envelopes. One, I tucked into my saddlebag for my files. I gave the second to Caramel, who had paid for it and signed it. The last one I took with me as I bid my friends and company adieu. “I must away to the registry! See you later!” Coalsmoke held up a book, calling, “Catch you up at the cave, Grumpy! I have the new Daring Do for our reading!” With a spring in my step, I dashed back to the town hall and the Hall of Records. Mol greeted me, “Goodness, Grumpy! Your business must really be brisk today! In here TWICE?” She took the envelope and opened it. As fast as she saw the target of this contract, she beat me to paying the registry fee! As she hoofed over the few bits, she commented, “This couldn’t happen to a better company! I can’t wait to tell Vanner about this!” Back up at my cave, I heard familiar voices. Coalsmoke was speaking to somepony with a voice that was both soft and dream like. I had to wonder what could have brought Princess Luna to my humble abode. More to the point, I had wonder what happened to her usual squad of guards. I kept the glamor of my handsome piebald black, brown, and tan goat self as I stepped up onto the ledge in front of my cave. Princess Luna, Coalsmoke and the Litch King, Lord of the Dead, known to his few friends as Clarence were quietly chatting. Luna’s Royal Guards were sitting off to one end of the ledge and not even trying to be the officious, class conscious pack of clowns that they usually appear to be. Luna cheerfully called out, “Grumpy! I am playing hooky! Lord Rockbottom’s lawn party will have to do without me. Thank whatever goodness there is for that. In over three thousand years, I have never attended any event more boring than one of Lord Rockbottom’s lawn parties.” I pretended to be stunned by the thought. “You came here instead of going to one of Rockbottom’s wonderful parties? How astounding.” It was an act. A bad one. I have been to ONE of Lord Rockbottom’s lawn parties. It was TWO too many. The Guard Major, in charge of the squad and a veteran of Luna’s service, spoke up with mild good humor, “Sir, we have all had his lawn parties inflicted on us.” He raised a hoof to point to the Princess. “She threatened to make us go to his next one if we interfere with her visit to you.” I grinned as I replied, “That is inhumane! What did you do to bring out the Nightmare in Princess Luna?” Clarence, sun glinting off the polished bones of his skeleton, observed cheerfully, “I believe that I know what I should do for Lord Rockbottom’s eternity! I could inflict an unending lawn party of his own devising on him!” Princess Luna recoiled and stated, “Clarence! That would be utterly inhumane! And totally appropriate!” She smiled, saber toothed fangs showing in her otherwise perfect face. “May I suggest a guest list, Clarence?” He tapped his bare front teeth with a bony hoof and pretended to consider the possibility. “That depends, Luna, my dear. Are you sure that you hate all of them that much?” Coalsmoke, ever the truly practical one, pointed out, “While you are considering that, I have Daring Do and the Adventure of the Singing Sands. We can listen to Grumpy’s reading and be serene in the knowledge that WE are NOT at Lord Rockbottom’s!” We were just settling ourselves for reading when Coalsmoke noticed a pony, tiny in the distance, struggling up the trail to my cave. Only grumping a little, the whole entourage trooped into my cave and went on into the back room, closing its iron sheet covered door behind them. They knew that even though my contracts are publicly registered, many of my clients are quite shy about being seen dealing with the evil dead goat. Got to admit, they mostly do have good reasons for the secrecy. I mean, nearly all of them are trying to cause some sort of meanness or evil for other ponies and don’t want to be known as the one responsible. If they stay secret, they can (and do) blame the “evil goat up on the mountain.” That bothers me not at all. Some of my best friends are ponies, in spite of which, I have an overall detestation of ponies in general. Helping them along the path to an unhappy meeting with Clarence (Lord of the Dead, remember?) and getting well paid for it does not bother me at all. If ponies had been a bit nicer about fifteen years ago, I would not be dead now. I would also be a lot poorer. I first raised the Lord of the Dead to gain revenge on ponykind after the afore mentioned mob caused me to hate ponies in general. He and I did make a bargain in regards to my revenge. There were two flaws in what I did. One was a printer’s error in the gramarye that I used. The second was that the Lord of the Dead turned out to have a sense of humor. After I summoned him to make a zombie to rampage among those that wronged me, he advised me not to, pointing out the problems with the idea. He suggested that I have him create an invisible spirit body, controlled by my will alone. On the face of it, it was good advice, so I took it. The printer’s mistake with the pentacles let him take MY body and leave my mind in charge of the invisible spirit body! He left me my skull, neatly aged looking, to wear like a hat for letting others know where I am, unless I take it off, that is. It has worked out really well, actually. Clarence and I are now friends. He comes and goes freely in my cave as a welcome guest. Back to the unpleasant present. Stepping up onto the ledge in front of my cave was none other than Mister Stallheart, of Canterlot Casualty and Life. I smiled at him as I inquired, “Mister Stallheart! Do you have money for me or perhaps a payment plan? I am willing to accept either one. A payment plan with a reasonable interest rate would be most welcome!” He stared down his prominent nose at the apparently ordinary goat speaking to him and replied distastefully, “I have a simple settlement agreement for your signature, Mister Goat.” I nodded. I am well used to ponies who look down on me because I am a goat. Their disdain is returned with a side helping of disgust at their meanness. Still, gold is gold. I gestured at my steel fronted cave entrance with its siege rated door. “Do come in, Mister Stallheart. I do all of my business inside, away from prying eyes.” Without waiting to see if he was following, I trotted in and took my ease in the only easy chair in the front room of my cave. I reached over and lifted my skull with its everburning candle between the horns and glamors of glowing snake-like eyes and big fangs from its stand. I settled it onto my spirit body, replacing my apparent head. The smooth talking dark blue unicorn with the pale purple mane and tail sat on my carpet and opened his briefcase. He smiled, but not with his eyes. “Now, Mister Goat, I just need you to sign this simple settlement paper here.” He proffered a pen and sheet that was folded back so that only the signature line showed. Since I already had a glamor spell on my invisible spirit body to appear as the handsome piebald black, tan and brown goat that I used to be, except for my skull, I reached out a hoof and snagged the whole sheet off the top of his case and unfolded it. Rattling the largely blank page in front of his eyes, I pointed out, “This is NOT a settlement of my claim! It is a quitclaim on my policy and, in violation of Crowns Law, there is blank space above the signature line. “That practice was made illegal after sharpers like you conned ponies and others into signing documents and then later filling in ruinous terms that were not there at signing.” He snapped, “A quitclaim IS a settlement! We will let you off from fraud charges if and only if you sign the quitclaim! “You cannot sit there in front of me, living and breathing, and pretend to be dead!” I snickered. “Totally wrong, Sir! I am absolutely deceased! I only breathe when I talk. That is only for appearances and can be dispensed with. The fact of my death has been proved in both the local and Kingdom courts. “As you are well aware, my death certificate is formally registered in the Ponyville Hall of Records. It is irregular in one regard. The Signing Physician, who also put her seal to the document is none other than Princess Luna herself.” He snapped, “Canterlot Casualty and Life rejects that document as fraudulent!” I raised my eyebrows at that. “Really? Well, as this quitclaim demonstrates, you are experts where fraud is concerned! The Royal Seals cannot be counterfeited. Besides my death certificate there are five rulings by both the local and Kingdom courts.” “Name one case to prove that insanity!” I promptly returned, “The case was decided under the Royal Wing, from which there is no possible appeal. It is Ponyville Medical Society vs. Grupeter Goat. “The basis of the case was the Ponyville Medical Society refusing to pay a slander and libel settlement to me. Their grounds were that since I was dead, by my own admission, that any payment had to be made to the executor of my estate, not to me. “The joint ruling of the Princesses was that the Edict of Equality applied to me. As a still conscious and reasoning being, I remain not only a citizen but am the lawful executor and sole owner of my estate. “Both Princesses also agreed that the Edict of Equality and Equestrian Citizenship do apply to all deceased individuals whether they be ghosts, vampires, zombies or any other undead being if they retain consciousness and the ability to reason. “The issuance of my Royally sealed Death Certificate was a part of that case. It so states on it in the actual horn writing of Princess Luna herself. That is why I picked that particular case. You have a copy of the certificate and connected case, I saw them when you tried to swipe my copy of the insurance policy.” Just at that moment, we heard the creaking of hinges. The door to the back room of my cave opened. Princess Luna and her guards entered, quietly filling the front room and securing the only door to the outside and escape! Mildly, she said, “Your pardon for the interruption, Grumpy. The reason that I am here and this business of yours that I could not help but overhear are connected. Lord Rockbottom, whose lawn party I am dodging, is the CEO of Canterlot Casualty and Life. “Do you know of any other problem payouts that they have had?” I nodded. “Two others, your Highness. The pony Brownie, a brother of Mol, at the Ponyville Hall of Records, was killed in a carting accident. Payment was offered at one half of face value with the claim that the accident was a suicide. They had to sue. When they did, they got an order for double indemnity because of the accident. Their payment was slow in coming after the court order. “The other is Graymak the goat, a friend of Caramel Treat. His widow Nalit and their kids are on hard times due to the slow payment of the policy death benefit. I have paid their bills and given them a living stipend out of my own pocket.” That was too much for Stallheart! “You what!? We were holding back on him to be sure that he wasn’t murdered! He died under unexplained circumstances!” I nodded and said sarcastically, “RIIIGHT. He spent his last week in Ponyville General Horsepital with a terminal cancer. His death was attended by his physician, his family and Reverend Smallflower. Which one of them is the murder suspect? Why did you fail in your legal duty to notify the Ponyville authorities of your suspicions?” Princess Luna was watching and listening with interest. Stallheart snapped, “You screwed up the foreclosure on the Graymak house and land! That is a valuable property that no mere goats have any right to!” I pounced on that! “Really? Bleatin’ Hallow was the worst land in the Ponyville area. Ponies ignored it for nearly seventy years. It was only after the goats moved in and put a lot of work into the land that it became worth anything. Now it is too good for mere goats? What kind of scavenger are you?” He growled back, “This ain’t got nothing to do with why I am here. Just sign off the quitclaim or get sued for claiming to be dead. Those are your only choices!” I just smiled serenely as I hoofed over the quitclaim paper to Princess Luna. “Here, my dear Princess, is what he wants me to sign. Could you perhaps educate him on just how deep the cesspool is that he just jumped into?”