//------------------------------// // Next Time, I'm Staying My Ass at Home (revised) // Story: Absence of Logic // by Antisocial Ind. //------------------------------// Click. Click. Click. Slowly and methodically, I pressed the right arrow key of my laptop. Click. With each press, the bright screen would darken, then light up again portraying a different picture. Each as unfunny as the last. Click. Gore. Click. Stupid pun. Click. Attention whore. What was the Internet coming to? Was it too much to ask for a few funny pictures that hadn’t been posted dozens of times before? I shook my head in disgust, promising myself that if something funny didn’t show up in the next picture I’d throw my laptop into the trash. Click. As the page loaded, my eyes were met with a dazzling array of colors. A collection of smiling faces on equine bodies greeted me, and I knew I had wandered into yet another “My Little Pony” post. I sighed, burying my face into my hands and shutting my laptop with a snap. I could not for the life of me understand the appeal behind these multicolored creatures. You want to watch cartoons? Fine, I get it. I had my fair share of nostalgic “guilty pleasures,” but to be so obsessed with a modern-made show marketed for little girls? That’s where they lost me. “Bronies,” they called themselves, posting hundreds upon hundreds of captioned pony art on image hosting sites around the net. The phenomenon was both interesting and off-putting in a way. I stood up from my chair and stretched, working out the stiffness that had built up over an hour of surfing the web. Looking through my window I noticed the sun peeking out from behind a row of houses. Nothing like watching a suburban sunrise to make you feel like a grade-A night owl. I decided it wouldn’t do me much good to stay cooped up in my room all day, pondering the nonsensical nature of today’s society; so I threw on a pair of jeans and grabbed my trusty hoody, setting out for a morning walk through my neighborhood. I don’t hate bronies. I see no reason to ruin whatever enjoyment they gain from watching a cartoon, so long as they don’t try to shove their candy-flavored rainbows down my throat. I was merely confused by the idea that they would exist. It was while mulling over this puzzling concept that I found myself walking down the old bike trail that led through a patch of woods. I was subconsciously drawn to the trail, although not without reason. The trail reminded me of old times, back when my brother and I would ride our bikes everyday, breathing in the beautiful scenery and just talking about life. Those days are long gone now, though. He has his own life, and I have mine. I guess that’s just the way things turn out. The rising sun painted the sky a brilliant orange, bathing my surroundings in a warm glow. On a whim, I veered off the trail, heading into the woods. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I wanted to make my rare outdoor excursion last a bit longer. Maybe I was craving a little adventure. Whatever the reason was, I found myself regretting it very soon after. The ground was uneven and I was constantly stumbling. Everything was wet with dew, and my sneakers were becoming uncomfortably damp. My glasses were getting flecked with droplets of moisture and dust particles. Things were constantly brushing up against my face, and my mild arachnophobia automatically assumed I was diving into a thicket of spiderwebs. As beautiful as the forest was, with the sunrise making the colors look especially vibrant, I was only interested in getting back to my house. Unfortunately, I made a wrong turn at some point during my excursion, which resulted in a complete loss of my bearings. I had no idea which way led back to the trail, and I was becoming less and less familiar with my surroundings as I moved on. Cursing under my breath, I tried in vain to recognize even a single landmark. Had I passed that tree before? Was that the same rock I had seen a few minutes before? Try as I might, I could find no indication of which way was correct. At this point I severely regretted not grabbing my phone when I left. Google maps would have been extremely useful right about then. I could just picture it sitting on the floor in my room, plugged into the wall despite being at pretty much full charge. Mocking me. I grumbled and stomped through the woods, hoping to find some shred of civilization. For what felt like hours (but was probably closer to a few minutes) I was met with nothing but the cruel immensity of mother nature. Finally, I'd had enough. Taking a quick glance around, I spotted a tall looking tree with a few low branches. Perfect. I rubbed my hands together and jumped into the air, grabbing onto it's lowest branch. My upper body strength wasn't exactly what it used to be, so it took me a couple of moments to pull myself up. When I had succeeded in reaching branch #1, I got to work on branch #2. I felt foolish, climbing a tree like I was a little kid, but it was a strangely nice feeling. Now I wasn't climbing that tree because I lost my mind and thought I was monkey. I figured that getting high enough would give me a nice vantage point to see where the nearest block of houses was. It's just a patch of trees, I reasoned, it can't be that big. Oh how wrong I was. As I reached the highest branch that I felt would comfortably support me, I finally took a look at the forest that had been giving me grief for so long. My jaw dropped. As far as I could see, a blanket of trees was stretched out before me. In the distance I could see a range of jagged mountains. Panicking, I frantically looked to either side of me, praying to see something normal. Instead, I saw more and more trees. "No no no no no no no..." I mumbled, my stomach feeling queasy with anxiety. This wasn't right, these weren't the woods I had entered. I made a full 360 degree turn, searching for any sign of other people. Unfortunately my extreme anxiety made my legs wobbly, and I couldn't manage to keep my balance on the branch. With a surprised yell and much arm flailing, toppled out of the tree, apparently hitting EVERY SINGLE BRANCH on the way down. With a resounding thud, my back slammed into the dirt, and I laid there dazed for a few moments. A myriad of questions swam through my head, so many that I couldn't even begin to start articulating them. So instead I shut that part of my brain off, until the time came that I could sort through them and make sense of this extraordinary situation. For now, I crawled up off of the ground and dusted myself off. Looking up to the sky, I took note of the sun, which had finished it's beautiful sunrise and was now hanging awkwardly above the treeline, and I set off in the opposite direction. I wasn't just choosing a random direction and barreling forward blindly, hoping to run into someone. I had seen something very interesting as I was turning up on that branch, right before I fell. It was only a glimpse, but it was enough for to be sure. A village, to the west of my position. I didn't know if it was friendly, or inhabited, but it was my only option. After trekking for maybe 15 minutes (it was hard to tell without my phone to give me the time), I began to get the distinct feeling that I was being watched. Not only that, but the beauty of my surroundings had long outlasted their novelty, and the true harshness of the environment was starting to make me feel uneasy. I would hear the cries of animals in the distance, the rustling of wind through the trees, and behind it all the steady thump of my heartbeat in my ears. Snap! The sound of branch breaking underfoot. I whipped my head around toward the source of the sound, but of course there was nothing there. Even so, I stayed still for the next few moments, listening intently for anything that might betray something nearby. After a while I decided to continue, but I wasn't convinced that what I heard was just nothing. I still felt a pair of eyes boring into the back of my skull. I hardly made it more than a few steps before I caught something white moving in the corner of my eye. My heart jumped and I flinched, ducking and raising my hands to protect myself, but a blow never came. Confused, I lowered my hands and scanned the area for the white object that had freaked me out. A couple of yards away from me, in a very small clearing, I spied the culprit. A devilishly cute rabbit, it's coat as white fresh snow, limping along with difficulty. Curious, I slowly approached the creature, but as soon as it heard me coming it squeaked with surprise and tried to run away. Instead it just stumbled into the dirt, and eventually gave up and looked back up at me with a pair of sad, dark eyes. All of my D'aww. "Don't worry, little guy." I whispered, trying to reassure the the injured rabbit. "I'm not going to hurt you" The bunny seemed to understand, and it stopped trembling as it's expression became one of hope. "That's right buddy, you're safe..." I continued, slowly reaching out to pick up the creature.He gave me what I assume was a smile, but almost instantly it eyes widened and it's bunny face displayed a look of sheer terror. I was confused until I heard another Snap, this one directly behind me. Without thinking I scooped the rabbit up off the ground and tucked it to my chest, throwing myself to the side and rolling out of the clearing. Just in time, too, because right before I lost sight of the clearing, I could make out a dark shape pouncing, landing where I had been just moments before. I heard snarling and howling coming from multiple sources now, I realized then that I had been led into a trap. A pack of hunters had been tracking me since I started walking, and their hunt wasn't over. I leaped off of the ground, still cradling the terrified bunny in my arms, and set off in a dead sprint away from the snarling beasts. I could hear them barking and yelping behind me, but I knew couldn't afford to turn around and check how close they were. My chest was heaving and my legs were burning. I wasn't used to jogging, let alone sprinting through a forest with a pack of animals at my heels. The only that kept me going was the realization that my life was in legitimate danger. Adrenaline pumped through my veins, allowing me to blaze through the woods while avoiding trees and keeping my footing. But I knew it wasn't enough. I could hear the creatures getting closer, and I was quickly running out of juice. I heard a triumphant snarl, and felt a tug at the back of my sweater. This is it I thought to myself, This is how I die. I was resigned to the fact that this would be my last day. Someone must have been watching over me, however, because with a terrific tearing sound, I felt the pressure against my back release. With a final burst of energy, I dove forward in between a pair of trees and slammed into the ground, rolling for a few feet before stopping. For a moment I stayed curled up, my body tense and anticipating an attack. When no pain came, I finally opened up my eyes, to see I had finally made it out of the forest. Just inside the line of trees I could see maybe 4 or 5 wolves, all watching me with pure hatred in their eyes. They didn't dare leave the shadow of the forest, and that was a lucky break that I decided not to question. I was alive. I stood up on wobbly legs, feeling giddy about my close call, and looked at the rabbit in my arms. It was unconscious, but still breathing. With one last look at the forest, and seeing the wolves retreating into it's depths, and turned and walked toward the village in the distance. After 20 minutes of walking limping, I was finally close to the village. I didn't even think we had villages like this in Virginia. It was odd, but at the same time peaceful. I looked down at the rabbit and it was still out cold. I noticed that it looked odd though. Like, it was white. Like, it was whiter on the outside than I am on the inside, which is pretty white. I looked up and noticed that the town was weird looking, even more so than I previously thought. All the colors were.... full. Like, they were brighter than I thought was normal, everything seemed brighter and more potent than what one would normally expect. As I drew closer, I saw someone walking towards me pushing a barrel. Perfect, I thought with relief, He can probably tell me where I am! I quickened my decrepit pace a little bit, and was finally able to reach the speed of a retarded watermelon. Eventually I was close enough to see the mans face. As if my day couldn't get any stupider... It was a pony. Not just any pony, but a Little Pony. Of the My variety. I froze, my mouth slightly agape, and he rolled up to me and stopped. He looked over at me with surprise. "Oh, well how about that! There's loads of you things today!" he exclaimed. It was at this point that my brain finally snapped. The sheer confusion and the absurdity of the situation forced me into a state of shock, and my rational brain said "Screw it," deciding to accept the obvious hallucination as reality. "Have you seen others like me?" I asked, desperate for an answer, even if it came from a miniature cartoon horse. "Yeah, there were three others over in town." he replied, pointing in the direction of the little village. "Thanks." I mumbled to the kind pony, before doubling my efforts of mobility up to 'incapacitated lemon'. Despite my mental numbness, the fact that there were other humans in this situation relieved me greatly. The infinite questions that had been lurking under the surface of my mind before started to bubble up again. All I had to do was find these other people, and we could find the way home together. I reached the edge of town and I looked around, and saw them; a trio of humans in the midst of an equine rainbow. I resumed my lemon pace with renewed vigor. I closed roughly half the distance before I heard a loud noise. BANG! Then, everything went dark. A/N You got lucky this time, Andre. Next time it could be the cops. Why would I worry about the cops finding me? Is it because I'm black? I was actually referring to the first degree murder and perjury charges. Man, those guys had it coming. They was talking shit, I'm innocent.