How are you doing this fine evening/morning/afternoon/night? Me? Well, My day has been pretty good, good being a relative term meaning absolutely terrible. Frankly, I don't know where I am or why I was put here, all I know is that my toilet is apparently not only a portal to the mystical land of human defecation and dead goldfish, but also a portal to another dimension.
I'll offer a much needed explanation in a moment; right now I feel like I need an introduction.
*ahem*
Hello there, my name is Stan. I'm a fairly normal, or at least I like to think, 25 year old male I'm, I don't know, about 5'11"? With blue eyes and brown hai-
You know what? This is a story. Why am I wasting my time describing something that you could care less about and will forget in a couple of minutes? Time for some puffing.
For all intents and purposes, the part of Stan Von Luxemburg will now be played by Brad Pitt.
Now lets move on to the meat of my tale, shall we?
It was an all too regular morning waking up to my phone’s alarm playing my favorite song; of which I was beginning to grow tired of, but that’s irrelevant.
Anyways, being the lazy pile of garbage that I am, I didn’t even bother opening my eyes before reaching over to the aforementioned phone to attempt to navigate to the snooze function; quite difficult considering the phone was a touch screen mind you. Luckily I was skilled in navigating my dear phone’s screen to the point where finding that snooze function for that precious extra five minutes of sleep had become second nature for me. Of course I’m exaggerating, but I managed to activate the function regardless.
Naturally I wasn’t able to capitalize upon those lovely extra minutes as I felt/smelt a foreign warm, chocolatey breath on my face.
My eyes shot open and what I saw was more than a little surprising. There having a grand old time staring and smirking at my sleeping form was a floating goat head. Unfortunately I’m not lying, I’m fairly sure I’m not crazy and the pain from me hitting my head on the headboard of my bed in surprise basically dismissed any thoughts in my mind that I was simply dreaming. Oh, but this wasn’t any ordinary goat head, it almost seemed as if it were the product of an insane child’s imagination.
The head was that of a goat, but several of its defining features were seemingly from a mishmosh of animals. It had one deer antler and one regular goat horn, it’s eyes were yellow with red irises/pupils, one of which was larger than the other, lastly it had a beard and eyebrows that were much larger than I had ever seen on a goat, they almost seemed to human in nature.
In retrospect, I handled the situation fairly well considering the fact that I didn’t scream bloody murder and was actually able to squeak out a pathetic greeting, even though it came out much more like a question.
“Uhh...H-hello?”
The strange head’s eyes suddenly opened wide in surprise at my greeting before quickly reverting to their previous half-lidded state. It’s smirk grew just a little bit wider as it spoke.
“Oh! A chaotic creature in a chaotic world yet still capable of speaking Equestrian basic. How interesting...” The head paused for a moment. “What, pray tell, is your name creature?”
I’ll be honest here, I was scared, but more so pissed off at this...creature that came uninvited into my house, spied on me sleeping and had the audacity to call ME a creature. Maybe I was being a teensy bit hypocritical with the creature comment, but like a lot people out there I am NOT a morning person by any means. My mood was far from favorable at the time.
My fear and confusion were temporarily forced aside by my anger directed towards the floating goat head.
“You’re one to talk, at least I’m not a floating head who stares at sleeping men for kicks and giggles. I’m Stan and I am NOT the creature here, you are. And why are you the one asking questions goat boy, you’re the one invading MY room and defying the laws of physics, if anything is out of the ordinary and worthy of questioning it’s you.” I spoke this with steadily increasing volume.
His face took on an even further amused expression at my angry rant.
“Well well well, you seem to have quite the temper there Stan. Excellent...As for introductions, I’m Discord, a demigod of chaos-” My jaw dropped at his statement. “-albeit a weakened one. I could give you a lengthy monologue about my life, but it would take years and frankly it would be quite boring to both you and I. Anyways, in my current weakened state, I can only make small insignificant changes in the world that produce rather unamusing results, like causing somepony to tip over a candle to set a house on fire for example. Like I said, unamusing.”
Somepony? Where in the hell was this thing from?
“This is where you come in Stan! If I pool all of my current chaotic power into a reservoir I can bring a creature from another dimension to the lovely land of Equestria to spread some much needed chaos. You’ve been chosen from billions of unwilling applicants from your world to become my personal tool of amusement. So what do you say Stan?”
I closed my gaping jaw, giving this so-called ‘god’ a fierce glare as I retorted,
“Not interested.”
The head suddenly burst out laughing.
“You make it sound like you have a choice in the matter!”
I shoved the cackling head out of my face which proceeded to explode into confetti as it hit the ceiling, coating me and my entire room with the colorful paper flakes.
‘I don’t even want to know...’
Cursing whatever deity was out there, I got out of bed, walked into my bathroom and dunked my head in cold water. I had no explanation for what just happened, so I simply chose to pretend that the event never transpired and go about my daily routine at my dead-end cubicle job helping out people too mentally deficient to be able to fill out tax forms on their own. But at least I was getting off early and my work-buds were buying me Mexican for lunch.
“Oh dear god!”
I yelled after bolting through my doorway.
Note to self: Never go to a Mexican restaurant with a name like: ‘Los Pantalones Azules’ which translates to ‘The Blue Pants’ in english.
After a grueling drive home in my old and now stinking pile o’ junk I like to call to call a car, I raced up my steps and jumped through the doorway into my rather inviting restroom. Upon entering, I quickly dropped my pants and *erm* ‘relieved myself,’ I won’t go into details there.
*ahem*
Moving along:
I remained on my throne for a good 10 minutes in the case of any ‘aftershocks.’ (I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.)
Confident the crisis was averted with no apparent casualties, I tried to stand up only to run into unforeseen difficulties: Somehow I had managed to get myself hopelessly suction-cupped to my toilet; so much so in fact that I was completely incapable of even shifting the slightest bit. I swear, not even a body-builder could have been able to loosen the toilet’s hold on my rear. Groaning in defeat, I pulled my phone from my pocket to google ‘How to get unstuck from a toilet’, when suddenly I felt the power of the suction on me increase.
Impossibly, the toilet was beginning to literally suck me into its depths, somewhere I had absolutely no intention to go. I flailed my arms in desperation, failing to find any handhold as my toilet literally began to grow in size under me to compensate for my larger size to pull me in.
I finally decided that the matter was entirely hopeless and that this was likely a very vivid night terror; honestly I’ve had stranger ones. I let my body go limp as I was quite literally ‘flushed’ down my toilet. I’m sure that anyone seeing a grown man be flushed down a toilet would’ve been falling out of their chairs laughing, I know that I would’ve, this was YouTube viral video material here. Unfortunately, being the victim of this unfortunate circumstance, I was screaming like a little girl all the while until the defiled water filled my lungs, quickly sending me into an unconscious state.
I hate Mondays.
Pain, suffering, misfortune; just to name a few of the feelings going through my head right now, but perhaps I’m being a little over dramatic. Let me try this again:
*Ahem*
My head feels like an overinflated balloon, my legs and arms, not faring any better, could likely be contrasted with being hit by a sledgehammer on the knee and elbow joints and completely bent in the wrong directions, not to mention that I couldn’t even feel my hands and feet.
After a few minutes of wallowing in self-pity, I finally managed to crack open my eyes; yet all I saw was grass and a sunny stretch of plains.
‘I’m in a freaking meadow!?! This is anticlimactic AND outright impossible. I sleep soundly at night knowing that sewage isn’t dumped into lush, green meadows.’
There wasn’t a heck of a lot I could do considering my apparently mutilated body, so I simply laid there taking in the soothing sights and sounds, though I will admit that I was cursing up a storm in my head.
‘Well, this place is quite calming and at least the pain in my body is...gone?’
My mind was racing as I laid there in disbelief, how can my body be COMPLETELY mutilated yet I feel no pain whatsoever?
I had two explanations for said occurrence:
1. Miraculous recovery
2. Or (Far more likely) The pain is so intense that my brain is rejecting it.
Well, only one very possibly painful way to find out.
I tried bending my leg, with mixed results that nearly gave me a heart attack; my leg could bend just fine but... only forwards in the wrong direction. My mind by this point was pretty much done, the stress, the pain, or lack thereof, and complete bizarreness of the situation was really weighing it down.
Instinctually, I turned my head to take a look at my body. My eyes widened and my brain came back alive with only one thought playing over and over like a broken record:
‘What in the hell is this?’
In the place of my previously humanoid body was the body of a gunmetal grey…horse?
‘…’
I like to consider myself a pretty intelligent person, even in stressful situations, so being aware that attempting to scream while being a horse would likely lead to an intense amount of pain as my underdeveloped vocal cords would be under huge strain, I did what I know horses can do: I stood up, began to whip my body around, neighing, whinnying and bucking up a storm.
I continued to do so for a good 10 minutes, as I could have likely been considered certifiably insane at the time, that was until I heard a quiet voice behind me.
“Umm…excuse me s-sir, b-but may I ask what you’re d-doing?”
I quickly whipped around to find the source of the voice, only finding a pastel yellow horse with dimensions not dissimilar to my own, giving me a concerned gaze with her large teal eyes.
I blinked and shook my head for a moment.
Not finding anything that could have spoken behind me, I passed it off as me hearing things.
That was until I saw the freaking horse open its mouth to speak using that quiet voice.
"Are you a-alright s-sir?"
I stared in disbelief at the apparent female and noticed her very human bubble gum pink hairstyle with matching tail and...wings?
“...”
Unable to take the sheer impossibility of the situation, I promptly fainted on the spot.