The Human Incident

by Boopy Doopy


Plans

“Are they still down there?” Archard asked as he kept his eyes closed, having moved into a position to lay on Fluttershy’s back. “There’s no way they could still be huddling together down there. It’s been, like, two hours.”
“Ummm… yes, they’re still down there,” the yellow pony noted, carefully scanning the ground below. Despite being so high up, it seemed as though they could see right through the weather and were looking up at them, almost glaring at them. It made Fluttershy give a soft squeak in surprise when she saw it.
“I think they might be there for a good, long time,” she continued. “I don’t know what we’re going to do to get back down there. We might have to find somepony and spend the night up here if this keeps up.”
“Shouldn’t they disperse for lunch and stuff?” the human asked. “What time is it anyway? Noon has to be coming up at any minute.” He glanced down at his watch and frowned. “Never mind, I guess. It’s only nine forty-one. Ugh.”
“I’m sure they’ll leave eventually, but I don’t know when. Like I said, we might have to spend the night up here. And, um, I- I don’t really like heights all that much.”
“You don’t like heights?” That got Archard to raise his head off of the pegasus’s stomach to turn and look at her.
She shook her head in response, saying, “When I was a filly, there were a bunch of colts chasing me around and bullying me, and, well–”
“Oh, I know. You fell through the clouds and got your cutie mark when you were surrounded by all the cute animals,” he finished for her. “But I didn’t think that meant you were scared of heights. I just thought you wanted to be an earth pony in secret or something. Plus, you’ve been up to Cloudsdale a whole bunch of times since then, right?”
“Well, I have, but I only do it when my friends want me to come up here with them,” she said. “I’d really prefer not to stay up here longer than necessary though. I certainly don’t come up here on my own, that’s for sure.”
“Awww, I’m sorry,” Archard cooed, moving in to give her a tight hug. “I promise we won’t have to stay up here for too much longer if you don’t like it. I have a plan… and that plan is that we should make a plan.”
Fluttershy giggled at the little joke, and Steven bawked as she said, “What kind of plan should we make? I don’t think those ponies are going to be moving for just anything. I’m sure if it rained they would, but I don’t know where Rainbow Dash even is.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the human assured her. “I have a better plan than that.” Then he turned to the chicken and said, “Alright, Steven Bawking. This is your time to shine! You’re gonna be the diversion!”
If a chicken could look confused, it absolutely did, and took a step back as Archard made an evil looking smile.


“Uhhh… why is everypony standing around out here, staring at the sky?” Twilight asked as she and Lyra Heartstrings approached the center of town. “Is Pinkie Pie throwing one of her parties again?”
“Nope!” the pink pony declared, appearing seemingly out of nowhere. “And trust me, I offered! But nopony seemed to even notice me! They’re all just standing there with big ol’ meanie pants looks on their faces, like this!” She made an angry glare to demonstrate what they looked like, then continued, “Snowy Bumblebees and I just can’t seem figure it out! I mean, nopony turns down a Pinkie Pie party!”
“Well, that’s true,” Twilight agreed, “but then what are all these ponies doing out here?” She looked up to try and find what they were staring at, but couldn’t see much through the clouds. It only made her more confused.
“What’s everypony doing out here?” she asked loudly, pushing a bit of her recently acquired Royal Canterlot voice into her words. 
“We’re waiting for the monster to come down so we can tie him up and take our wishes!” somepony said. “He thought he could get away from us, but oh no! We’re gonna catch him and force him to pet us for the rest of his life!”
Twilight wanted to be shocked or upset or anything other than annoyed and frustrated, but she wasn’t. She only sent them an irritated look as another one explained how they were going to catch them with a butterfly net since the chicken they tried to use didn’t work.
“And I assume you read this out of Lyra’s book?” Twilight asked flatly. 
“Of course!” the first pony said, holding up a copy of Humans: A Guide To Equestria’s Most Mysterious Race. “It was this wonderful book that taught us that humans can grant wishes! So now we’re gonna lock that thing up and turn it into our wish slave!”
“Really.” Twilight sent a glare Lyra’s way, who only smiled innocently and shrugged her shoulders. 
“Uh huh. Think of all the good we could do for Equestria if we do! We could cure cancer! Create world peace!”
“We could be pet for hours and hours and hours and never have to be stopped!”
“We could create infinite money!”
“We could all wish to be alicorns and get eternal youth like Princess Celestia!”
“We could normalize stallions wearing pretty dresses and force everyone to dress up as maids!”
“Yeah, all those things! Except the last thing, but still! Think of it!”
“Um, sure, you could do all those things,” Lyra spoke up. “But be honest. How many of you are just gonna wish to be pet?” Every single hoof in the crowd went up at the same time, the pony holding the book even shamefully holding up his own.
“Yeah, that’s about what I thought,” Lyra said. “But you know, you can get pets without harassing a dangerous genie-like creature.”
“What? How?”
“Easy! Just take your own hoof and rub your neck with it, like this!” She gave a little demonstration as she rubbed her neck, and a few others gingerly copied her. However, when they did, they frowned.
“This doesn’t feel like petting!” someone said. “I remember what his hands felt like! It was pure happiness, and that’s what we want!”
“Just keep doing it, it’ll work!”
“We want the human!” someone yelled, beginning a chant. “We want the human! We want the human!”
Twilight rolled her eyes, then used her Royal Canterlot voice again. “Everypony, listen up!”
It got everypony to turn their heads the alicorn’s way, and she continued, “You can’t have the human. It dangerous. Maniacal. Evil. And most of all, dumb. It’s not gonna do what you say, and if you threaten it, it’s going to hurt you. Trust me.”
“How do you know that, Princess?” somepony asked. “Even if it’s dangerous, Lyra’s book says it grants wishes, so if we just wish for it to not be dangerous, it won’t be anymore!”
“Yeah, but that implies that you’re gonna be able to catch it,” Twilight said. “I wasn’t able to, and I’m an alicorn. Heck, I could’ve been hurt chasing it!”
“She’s right!” Pinkie Pie suddenly spoke up. “We were chasing it in the Everfree Forest, and it was super duper scary, and we found a giant manticore when we were there! But it turned out it was friendly, and I named him Snowy Bumblebees! But also, Twilight hooves turned into whoopie cushions because of some poison joke that we walked in, because she said the human said that was where it was going! Archard is super sneaky, and I wouldn’t trust him! Even if he makes super duper good peanut butter, pickle, and hot sauce sandwiches! Mmm!”
“Uh, yeah,” Twilight said, brushing her off. “But also, it said it could destroy all of Ponyville, so we have to be super careful with him.”
“Coughitwouldtakeafewmonthscough,” Lyra got out.
“The point is this,” Twilight finished. “Leave catching the human to us. It’s dangerous, and I don’t wanna see anypony get hurt. You should all stay in your homes until Lyra and I say it’s safe.”
“How do we know it’s not safe right now?” somepony asked. “He didn’t seem that dangerous! He gave out happiness after all! For free, too!”
“You know, I would trust you guys, but if I recall, a few months ago, you all were hiding in your homes because you saw a zebra. I don’t think your judgment on what’s dangerous or not can be trusted, really.”
“Well if we’re all supposed to be friendly with it, since you’re the Princess of Friendship, let us be friendly with it and… take it into our basements and harvest its power and pets.”
“Guys.”
“Yeah! And who says we haven’t learned from that? Maybe that’s why we want to talk to it and kidnap it! I mean, tie it up and bring it into our basements! I mean, be friendly with it! Because we learned about the power of friendship!... or something.”
“If you guys don’t–”
“Plus, what makes you the boss of us?” somepony else asked accusingly. “You only just became princess! You haven’t been ruling as long as Princess Celestia!”
“Well Princess Celestia made me–”
“And wasn’t it only because you–”
“Everypony, listen!” she yelled, using her full Royal Canterlot voice again. “I’m the princess here, not you, and what I say goes! Now everypony! Go back to your homes now! You’re not allowed out until I say so!”
“But we want–”
“No! I don’t care! Go home!”
She got about two hundred glares from the crowd of ponies, but she only glared back at them, staring long enough to eventually get the crowd to break and disperse. After a minute, it was only Twilight, Lyra, Pinkie Pie, and Snowy Bumblebees standing where everypony once was. The manticore whined at Twilight and put it’s paws on its ears.
“Awww, what’s that, Snowy?” Pinkie asked before turning to Twilight. “He says your Royal Canterlot voice hurt his ears! How could you?”
“Pinkie. I am really not in the mood right now,” Twilight said. “We need to find this human before it causes even more trouble. Now where–”
“This is our chance, Steven!” a familiar voice from above called. “Go on! Attack!”
Suddenly, Steven was falling from the sky, flapping his wings wildly before falling on Twilight’s head. He pecked at her as she closed her eyes and stumbled backward, trying to get him off of her.
“Ah! What the heck! Who in Equestria dropped you on top of me?” she asked as she finally pushed him off of her. He bawked in response, and she glared back at him, taking a threatening step closer to the chicken. She didn’t get any closer though when the voice from before appeared directly above her. She looked up in irritation to see a yellow pegasus carrying a lanky looking biped on her back, one that was smiling from ear to ear as the two descended.
“Dun dun dun dun!” Archard called from atop of Fluttershy’s back, hopping off as soon as she settled onto the ground. “Here I am again, to drive you all away! Now I declare… oh. Wow. Steven, you did better than I thought! You drove them all away on your own! Good job!”
“Bawk!”
“Why are you dropping chickens on top of me!” Twilight yelled angrily, making Snowy whine in pain again and forcing Archard to cover his ears. “That hurts when he pecks me!”
“Well, it was meant for everypony who was here before, but apparently they all left before they got here,” he explained. “Also, that’s how it felt when you and Lyra dropped Steven on me before. So what else?”
“Yeah, well, that was different because… ugh. Never mind. Just come with me. We’re going to interview you, and then–”
“I’m not gonna go with you,” he interrupted, crossing his arms. “Sorry.”
“What? Why not?” she asked. “It’s not a question. You have to come with us. What if those ponies come back out and harass you again?”
“Well then I’ll have Fluttershy here to protect me,” he answered. “Besides, honestly, I’d rather take my chances with them than with you.”
“Why?”
“Um, because the way you’ve been treating me is fucking horrible?” he said. “I’m not particularly interested in being treated like shit, I have to admit. So unless you’re gonna be better, no thank you.”
“Hey! Archard! Don’t curse around Snowy!”
“Sorry Snowy, sorry Pinkie,” he apologized before directing his attention back to Twilight. “But yeah. Unless you apologize and promise to not try and torture and kill me again, I’m saying right here… well, not right here, but with Fluttershy anyway. She’s gonna protect me.”
“Well like I said, it’s not a question. You have–”
“I don’t have to do anything,” he interrupted again. “I’ll sit right here until you apologize, because I'm still trying to keep up my carefree goofy demeanor, and I'm gonna fucking explode if I have to deal with you being so uptight to me. So there.” He sat down in the grass next to Fluttershy, and used one hand to pet her as he picked up the chicken with the other and set him in his lap. Twilight grumbled and copied his move, crossing her hooves as she sat down too. She wasn’t going to be giving in to him.