Dear Journal,
They say that it can be hard to readjust to life once you’ve been gone from it for so long, and a return to normalcy can be near impossible. Well, it certainly feels that way for me. Shining Armor told me that it would be easy and that in less than a week, we could put the whole hospital thing behind us. But it turns out…life doesn’t always work that way. Ponies still look at me funny. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that what I did is well-known throughout Canterlot or something else entirely. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were…before everything got out of hoof. I just want to feel…normal again, like everypony else. It’s been a long recovery and I’ve caused enough trouble for everypony around me already. I just want to blend in and fit in with the crowd again, the way I was always meant to.
At this point though, it’s looking increasingly unlikely. We’re considering options, including moving to another town. But moving costs a lot and I’m not sure my BBBFF wants to be so far away from the police academy he’s still going to. We can’t have the taxi be driving him everyday after all, especially with rising costs.
If only I hadn’t deluded myself into thinking I was Princess Celestia’s personal student. Maybe this all wouldn’t’ve happened. Maybe…
“Twily?”
Twilight glanced up from her study table at the sound of her brother’s voice, her internal thoughts being disrupted in an instant due to being startled. She set her quill down and looked to her left. Sure enough, none other than Shining Armor was walking into her bedroom with a concerned expression on his face. He was carefully carrying a bowl of soup with his magic. She sighed with relief upon realizing that it was him and not somepony else.
She had to admit to being a little paranoid at who she came in contact with nowadays. Her experience at Broadhoof had barely done anything for her social skills except confuse her in regards to what was real and what wasn’t. It was hard to readjust to a life she hadn’t lived since she was a filly. The world had changed since she was away, and there were so many aspects that were considered normal now, as well as many customs that had developed among the ponies of Canterlot that she had no prior knowledge of. It was as if existence had passed her by, and she was a pony out of time. It didn’t help that she had gone through most of it thinking that she was a completely different pony, and the ramifications of what her young self had done still came at her in full force. Fate was unleashing its full wrath on her for the sins of her past, and she could do nothing to atone for them. She was a pony abandoned by the gods and left to rot in her eternal punishment.
She felt weighed down by the expectations that were placed on her. She had entered the hospital a filly and had emerged from it a fully-grown mare. She replayed in her mind all of the times that her teachers scolded her for any lack of understanding about a subject, even though it wasn’t her fault that she didn’t know it. It wasn’t as if the classes at Broadhoof with Miss. Lunamoon were the best at catching her up with pre-algebra or anything that a pony her age should’ve known.
She forced herself to smile to make him feel better, even though she wasn’t in the best mood to do so. What could she tell him? That she was still dealing with the fallout of what she did as a filly? He didn’t deserve to hear more bad news. They were already going through a lot, and he deserved to hear any good news no matter what it was. He deserved better than the same old downtrodden attitude. He deserved better than her.
“Oh…hey, Shining,” she greeted him. “I’m okay.”
“You certainly don’t sound like it,” Shining Armor countered gently. “I know you’ve been up here a while and I just wanna let you know that dinner’s ready. Better eat if we want to visit Dad tomorrow.” He set the bowl on the table.
Twilight was surprised to hear this. “We’re visiting?”
“Yeah,” Shining answered. “You know he’s interested in hearing about your progress.” He smiled sadly. “Or…lack thereof, I should say.”
Twilight sighed heavily. He knew how she was feeling. She didn’t even have to say a word. He could already read the room and she couldn’t keep it a secret. The jig was up and she knew it. “You know the hardest thing about all this, Shining? It wasn’t the recovery. That was easy compared to this. But I don’t even fit in with my peers anymore. They’ve all grown up without me.”
Shining nodded in understanding. “It can be hard. Mom foresaw this exact situation happening when she and Dad talked about committing you following your first real episode…But all you can do is try to rebuild that life you had before. There’s no changing the past.”
“Why didn’t she stop him?” she asked, tears welling up in her eyes.
“What?”
“Why wasn’t she able to stop him? I know I was sick, but…all of this could’ve been prevented, couldn’t it?”
“She tried. But he loved you too much to see you do this to yourself, so much in fact that he was willing to get that divorce to prove his point. You know Mom still blames herself for everything that’s happened. She’s never forgiven herself for going along with his plan.”
“I know that!” Twilight cried. “She’s told me that herself! That’s why I’ve tried. But I’m not a natural at making friends. Maybe in my delusions, I was. But not here. Not in this life. All I’ve ever known is books.” She buried her face in her hooves. “I just…don’t know what to do.”
Shining walked over and put a comforting hoof on her shoulder. “This has never been easy on any of us, Twily. But you have to keep trying. Don’t give up on yourself.”
“The world already has, Shining,” Twilight stated bitterly. “I can’t…fit in anywhere. Ponies in my class still look at me like I’m some sort of crazy pony. They still see that idiot foal with delusions of grandeur who thought she was the Princess’s personal protégé. I’ll never be normal for as long as I live…”
“Then don’t try and gain their approval.”
Twilight looked back at him. “What do you mean?”
“There will always be ponies who try and put you down,” Shining advised her. “Especially if they sense an outcast. If those ponies don’t want to be your friend, then stop approaching them. They’ve made their choices. The best thing you can do is try and find others who share your experiences or at least…can relate to what you’re going through.”
“How many ponies can you think of that attacked others, crippled their own brother, and got sentenced to an asylum for about several years?” she inquired.
Shining smiled sheepishly. “Well, now that you put it that way, it does sound quite far-fetched. But it’s not out of the question.” That was when he seemed to get an idea. “Hey. I think I have an idea. But you might not like it.”
Twilight felt instant dread upon hearing that last phrase. She didn’t know what her brother was thinking, but she already knew it probably wouldn’t be something she would take kindly to. “Oh. What…do you have in mind?”
“Remember those ponies you used to know in Magic Kindergarten?” Shining asked her. Seeing her perplexed expression, he sighed. “Right. You probably don’t remember the finer details aside from what I’ve told you already. You attacked those ponies and-“
“I think I remember,” Twilight interrupted him, the memories flooding back. “Those were the ponies who I told that I was Princess Celestia’s student to before I-you know. What were their names? I know one of them was called Moon Dancer.”
“You used to have her over at your house a lot borrowing books,” Shining reminded her. He smiled wistfully. “Ah, the good ‘ol days. You know, I was always a big proponent of you hanging out with her more considering the both of you were nerds.”
Twilight giggled. “I don’t doubt it.”
“See?” Shining said, smiling. “That’s the Twily I know. You just need to regain their trust. I want you to start hanging out with them again, begin rekindling that bond. If any ponies can give you solace during this difficult time, it’s your old friends.”
“But I hurt them!” Twilight was freaking out now. She remembered those ponies. They had once been the closest things to friends she ever had and she had pushed them away after her illness had gotten out of control. She could never imagine reconnecting with them. They were probably traumatized from that encounter. She couldn’t reopen that wound. “Shining Armor, please-“
“Twily,” he continued. “This will be good for you. I know they’d love to reconnect with you after everything. Even in spite of everything you did, they never stopped asking about you. All of them. And I think that you’ll feel better having them by your side again.”
“You think they’ll forgive me?” she asked worriedly. “Even after-“
“They will,” Shining reassured her. “Don’t worry. If they don’t, you can tell your BBBFF and I’ll give them an old school lesson in forgiveness.”
“Thanks.”
And I have a plan. If you want, you can opt out of visiting Dad tomorrow and I’ll tell Mom what we’re doing. She’ll understand.”
Twilight stared at him in shock. “Wait, you’d actually cover for me?”
“Only if you want to spare Dad yet another sob story about the average school day,” he confirmed, smirking. “You’re not legally obligated to do weekly visits and I think he’ll more so want to hear some good news for a change. Should you agree, I’m sure Mom would be fine with just she and I going.”
She nodded, smiling back at him. “Then I’ll do that. I’ll go to Minuette’s house right after school tomorrow. Thanks for doing this for me.”
“Hey, what wouldn’t I do for my little sister?” Shining teased her playfully. “Especially after just getting her back, I might add. I gotcha covered here.” He glanced at the now cold bowl of soup. “You better finish that. I think it’s cold.”
Twilight’s eyes went wide and her attention immediately snapped back to the bowl. “Uh oh, whoops!” She blushed. “My bad!” Wasting no time, she picked up her spoon using her magic and immediately began eating as fast as she could.
Shining chuckled. “Careful or you’ll get a stomach ache.”
She nodded quickly and he began walking towards the bedroom door. He didn’t want to disturb her dinner any longer and he had a plan to set in motion. He was willing to do anything if it meant making his little sister happy once again, no matter what it was. Losing her still weighed heavily on his mind, and he saw this as a chance to finally right a wrong and correct his biggest mistake.
Right as he was about to leave the room, however, he turned back to look at her one final time. He smiled sadly once more before that expression morphed into one of resolve. He would not let her down. If she was willing to do her part, he was willing to do his.
“We’ll figure this out, Twily. I promise.”
“Is there some reason why Twilight couldn’t come down and eat?” Twilight Velvet asked with a hint of concern in her voice. “It’s oddly quiet here.”
The two of them were sitting at the dining table alone. The time when dinner was eaten was usually the most talkative time of the night as Twilight would frequently start lengthy conversations on the new books she read, and they could always count on her to liven all of them up, even in their worst days. It had practically become a tradition before their lives had changed forever and they had slowly been getting back to that following the unicorn’s release from Broadhoof.
Now eating alone felt as isolating as it had been when Twi had been committed all those moons ago, and it brought back bad memories for both of them. Shining could sense the uneasy mood and was the first to break the silence.
“She insisted.” Shining answered. “Mom, I want to tell you that Twily wants to opt out of visiting Dad tomorrow.”
“Oh?” Velvet asked in surprise, clearly taken aback by this. “How come? She loves visiting him. Is there a reason why she refused this time?”
“I came up with the idea,” he answered. “I know times have been hard for her and I wanted to give her the opportunity to…reconcile with some old friends.”
“You mean Minuette, Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts, and Moon Dancer? I haven’t heard from those ponies in a good while. Last time they asked about her was about a year ago.”
“This will be good for her. She could use her old friends during this difficult period of readjustment. At least, I think she could.” Shining looked down at his plate of oats. “I can’t…I can’t be there to pick up the pieces from her bad days all the time. She needs more than us. Her old friends can help her.”
Velvet sighed deeply. “Shining, you know this whole experience…has broken our whole family apart. And I know none of this was ever truly her fault, but the last thing she needs is further reminders of her past. I know you’ve wanted this for her for years, but I think it might be too early to force socialization on her. Give it like a year or so.”
“But we’re out of time.” Shining insisted. “Twilight’s grown increasingly unhappy with her life. She’s not fitting in anywhere and she’s flunking her classes. Nopony said readjustment would be easy, but if we don’t intervene, she could try to hurt herself again and you know what that means.”
“Shining-“
“I already lost her once. I will not do so again under any circumstance.” Tears filled his eyes and he wiped them forcefully. “If I have to be the new father figure looking out for her, then that is what I’m going to do. She needs all the help she can get and I will be there for her this time. She’s going over to Minuette’s tomorrow.”
Velvet leaned back in her chair, squeezing her eyes shut for a brief moment before opening them again. She stared back at him with a stern expression in her eyes. “You better know what you’re doing.”
Shining nodded, staring back at her with equal intensity. “I do.”
Twilight stared out the bedroom window, gazing at the Mare in the Moon in the sky and the stars that twinkled around it. She knew that she was risking a lot putting herself out there, but she knew that it was the right thing to do. All she wanted to do was belong. And she was going to find a way to make it up to the ponies she hurt no matter what.
She may not have ever been the Princess’s student nor the Element of Magic, but her resolve still reflected a pony who had seen battle. She had been put through the wringer her whole life, and it was either she went all in on this last chance, or go home. She already knew the answer, for she was not a pony to quit. She would use the social skills she had developed in her delusions to see this done. She would not be alone anymore. She would make her family proud of her.
She was Twilight Sparkle. And she was going to reconnect with her old friends or die trying.