Edited by:
PieisGood4U
Blazinblade7
fireshadow11
Playing chess against Missy was...a unique experience to say the least.
The game itself was a bit of a blur to me. I had never really played chess before and only barely grasped all the rules for each piece. Needless to say my moves were random and I was relying entirely on Lady Luck’s blessing to carry me to victory. Not really paying attention, I began to whistle a jaunty tune to amuse myself, noting Missy’s ears flickering in annoyance on the high notes.
Missy appeared to be contemplating her next move with care, her eyes flickering around the board as she plotted. Her eyes shot up to stare at the grate bars behind me and, curious, I turned around to see a pegasus mare flying by, her cherise coat mixing well with her light rose coloured mane. Her cutie mark was three flowers, arranged in a way that gave her a shocking resemblance to someone familiar that I couldn’t quite place. I turned back to Missy, noting that her eyes had followed the pegasus mare until she disappeared out of sight. Shaking her head slightly as if to clear it she turned her eyes back to the game.
Several more moves passed, more of my pieces disappearing off of the board with each move, when pieces of dust began to fall from the ceiling. We both looked up, wondering what exactly was going on. Outside the window I heard a loud shout.
“Ponies of Maneapolis! Are you ready to DROP THIS BASS!?” As soon as this proclamation was finished a booming beat reverberated the entire prison, the sound managing to cause mortar to fall from the ceiling. I noted with curiosity that my teeth appeared to be vibrating.
A loose brick in the ceiling shattered, sending half of it down to slam on the table whilst the other half remained firm in the ceiling. The bricks impact caused all the pieces to jump but they all came down safely and in their correct position, save one of Missy’s that decided that the spot a couple of places to the left looked like a much better place to land, coincidentally in a favourable position for me to take it. Missy placed her hoof on a piece, paused, and looked at the board again. She moved her hoof back and forth over the board, before finally putting the errant piece back in its proper spot, and then making her actual move.
Soon after we heard another shout, this one much closer, as the pony responsible for the earlier incident was dragged past my cell by the guards.
“You can’t do this! It’s a free country! Fascists! Fascists!”
“Where should we take her boss?” I heard one of the guards ask.
“Any of the cells will do.” a tired voice replied “Just make sure that it’s a soundproof one.”
I looked down at the board in some surprise, the black pieces arranged in their final attack. I very rarely lost at games, my luck usually pronouncing me the victor somehow. Losing was...a rather new concept. I looked up at the cow on the other end of the table, that infuriating smile once again on her lips.
“So about that wager of yours...”
“Yeah whatever, what do I need to sign?”
“Nothing so formal - if I cannot trust you to keep your given word, then a mere piece of paper would have no power to bind you. Now then I believe that in order for you to be able to work at your best potential, you should have your preferred set of tools.” She reached once more into the bag and withdrew my belt and coat before passing them over the table towards me. “I am curious about some of your property; perhaps if you answer some of my questions, I could answer some of yours.” I gave a shrug to this, too preoccupied with putting my belt back in its rightful place and slipping my coat back on. “Very well, would you care to explain the properties of your coat? My unicorn was able to sense magic of some kind but was unable to place its exact source.”
“Oh that, it’s a gift from Swirling Runes back in White Tail, I assume you mean the dark side of it? It has a powerful See-me-not charm, made by the reversing of the Object of Desire enchantment. It doesn’t make me invisible as much as it makes me less noticeable, ponies will walk past me without giving me a second glance. Does something to their brains apparently, makes them not want to know that I’m there, even if they know for a fact that I am there. I call this little beauty the Turncoat, pretty poetic don’t you think?”
“I see. Do you have any concern about the ethical issues involved in playing with somepony’s mind?”
“No, not if the alternative is being killed by angry guards. Although I do realise that in the wrong hands this knowledge opens the doors for a lot of abuse so I ask that you be careful who you tell this to. Better yet, keep it to yourself.”
“Trust me - if there is one thing I know how to do, it’s how to keep a secret.”
“Discretion is often the better part of valor in my experience. Now for my question, what exactly is this?” I displayed the spray can that I had pilfered from her pockets at the start of the chess game “Some kind of mouth spray?” I was so preoccupied with examining the device that I didn’t notice her eyes widening.
“No! Wait!” Eyes wide, she held up a hoof, but she was too late. I had already opened my mouth and sprayed some inside, rolling my tongue around as I tried to place the taste of it. Kind of peppery...
The moment the taste touched the back of my throat I felt it constrict, protesting the presence of this foreign poison. I fell off my chair, clawing at my neck as I choked. The peppery taste had evolved from a mere tingle to a raging inferno inside my mouth, burning my taste buds and inflaming my gums. It felt as if I had been clocked in the jaw by some kind of living fire, the intense pain refusing to subside for several minutes. When it was finally over I grabbed onto the table and hauled myself back to my feet, slumping back into the chair almost immediately.
At the other end of the table Missy looked at me, rather concerned. In addition to a first aid kit, including what I hoped wasn’t a tracheotomy kit, she had managed to acquire a glass of water, presumably from the guard outside. I immediately grabbed it and took a swig, before spraying it out into one corner of the cell. Whatever that stuff had been I did not want it getting into my stomach. Now feeling in only a reasonable amount of pain rather than the excruciating agony from earlier I felt almost capable of talking again.
“Got a hell of a kick to it.” I managed to gasp out, in between wheezing breathes.
“Yes, to answer your earlier question that is pepper spray, a non-lethal defensive weapon, I hope you’re not always that reckless.”
“I’m still alive aren’t I? Anyway, I’m wondering why a nice heifer like yourself would require pepper-spray... when you have something far more effective with you.” I casually waved a hand to where the subtle roaming of my hands had noticed a rather bulky shape. Further investigation had uncovered the disturbingly familiar barrel of a pistol. The weapon had been adapted for use with hooves rather than hands but it was still a shock to see it here, especially as such an effective weapon wasn’t even in use among the guards. This ‘Missy’ was the first individual I had run into with any knowledge of firearms. Much less the possession of one. Just who exactly was she?
There was an awkwardly long pause before she answered, during which several flickers of expression passed over Missy’s face. Eventually, she said, “Assume that you had no magical ability. And a bunch of unicorn stallions wanted to rape you. What options do you have to defend yourself with, given that they can simply lift you into the air and let you struggle all you want, and you can’t blast them back with any magic?”
“I assume I don’t have my belt with me?” She nodded. “Hmm, I guess on a logical level I have to concede that you have a point. On a personal level however, I just don’t agree with such a weapon. Call it personal experience.”
“Perhaps after you have a personal experience with actual, honest-to-Celestia rapists, you might change your mind. What’s the old saying - ‘a conservative is just a liberal who’s been robbed’? As long as you don’t try to impose victim disarmament into the law of the land, and it doesn’t affect your performance as an agent, I have absolutely no concern about what your personal opinions or choices on such matters are.”
“Is every conversation with you going to turn into a discussion on ethical philosophy? ‘Cus I can already see this turning out to be a wonderful working relationship. Thanks to your hypothetical rape question I believe it is my turn now... are you aware of the event known as the ‘Chess Game of the Gods’?”
“Naturally; it is the name of the most popular theory being proposed to explain the variety of unusually-minded beings in Equestria and its environs, some of whom claim to have extra-Equestrian knowledge.”
“Yeah, well I’m kind of a part of that, if it wasn’t already obvious. Lady Luck decided that the game needed a little more... randomness. That is where I come in apparently. How are you involved?”
“Part of my job is to investigate what risks, if any, they pose to Equestria’s ponies and other citizens.”
“So you’re the Bovines in Black?” She blinked. “Not to worry about me, I have no intention of harming any ponies unless I’m forced to. For one thing, they’re just so adorable. It would be like kicking a puppy. Your turn.”
“What is your purpose here in Maneapolis? Outside, of course, committing lèse majesté.”
“I’m following a lead I got back in White Tail. There’s no way that the Diamond Dogs would be able to kidnap so many ponies without getting noticed and taken down, at least not without help from the inside. I’ve found that many of the ponies who were kidnapped were explorers and travellers hired by the East Equestrian Trading Company. I suspect they may be paying these ponies to explore certain areas and then having the Diamond Dogs take them. The dogs get slaves and the Company gets valuable minerals from the dogs in exchange. The Company has an office here in Maneapolis, I was going to break in and see if I could find any evidence of their misdeeds.”
“What would your plan have been, if you did find convincing evidence?”
“Don’t worry your pretty little horned head about that. I’m not going to blow them up, despite how much I might want to. I was intending to find the proof and then hand it off to the guards so that they can be taken down legally and permanently. After all, a destroyed office block is a setback but it won’t stop the people in charge.”
“I believe my agency can be of assistance there. If you acquire any account books, ledgers, or other evidence of such crimes, and pass it on to our agents, then we can take this straight to the highest levels. The Company’s owners would face a fury they would never recover from.”
“Got it, I was fairly worried that the Company might be able to pay off any corrupt guards and all my hard work would go to waste, but this neatly solves that problem. Provided of course, that I can trust you?”
“That is entirely up to you, though I recommend you do. I am quite willing to gamble my reputation on getting you out of a situation like this one, on initial good faith. As long as you prove to be competent, and provide valuable information, I will be quite willing to continue assisting you in dealing with the intricacies of the Equestrian bureaucracy. In return, assuming you really do wish to continue making slavers’ lives as unpleasant as possible, then you, in turn, must trust that I will be able to put the information you send me to the best possible use.”
“Very well then, you've already proved your competence to me with that game of chess. We have an accord.” I got up to leave.
“Before you go - I have a question or two, off the clock, I’d like to ask.” She had that smile again.
“Were you aware that certain unicorns are able to cast spells which affect the past - including sending entire ponies back in time? I ask since somepony with access to that power would very likely be able to manipulate all the Hidden Variables that underlie what you call your incredible luck.”
“Your point being?”
Her smile got much wider. “How do you know that I, myself, am not Lady Luck? Always hidden in the background, manipulating factors and ensuring your survival?” Wow, that’s actually a good point. I suppose it could be possible that a time traveller could change various things and help me out here and there. But unfortunately for her point I had already met Lady Luck in person and she and Missy looked nothing alike.
“Sorry, but unless you gain the ability to transform into a busty redheaded lady with the ability to rip people across the dimensions then I’m going to have to call bullshit on that...no offence.”
“None taken, though I’m actually a heifer, not a bull. While there are some magics that can change shapes - I know one former unicorn who now seems quite content as a seapony - I’m not aware of any mortal magic which can reach to other worlds.” She paused, then added, “Of course, that’s not to say that there aren’t any, and that I won’t find any in my future. So I suppose there’s still a non-zero chance I’m really her. The fun part is figuring out exactly how close to zero that chance really is.
Her eyes twinkled. “Care to make a wager?”
Missy had left now, her troubling proposition still firm in my mind. I’m not entirely sure that I can trust that heifer but right now I don’t have much of a choice. She’s my only link to any sort of government authority and thus the best chance I have of permanently shutting down the internal problem of slavery.
I reach into one of my pouches and remove a small, sturdy pocket watch, checking the time for what felt like the fiftieth time today. It had been four hours since Missy had sauntered out of the jail, more than enough time for any observers to move on. If one thing had been clear from our meeting it was that Missy had enemies, anyone playing such a deadly game had to have someone playing against them. She was balanced on the edge of a knife and the last thing I want to do is to be pulled over with her.
I like Missy, but I’m not quite ready to die for her yet.
After returning the pocket watch to its pouch, I reached into another and pulled out an unusual item, one that wouldn’t be found in most magicians arsenals. This particular tool was specific to my ‘nighttime’ endeavours. Specifically those that involved me breaking into places of high security and liberating objects of great value.
In other words, thievery.
The tool looked a lot like a cheesewire. It had two wooden grips with a thin wire stretched in between them, but it was the wire itself that made this tool so useful. The wire was infused with diamond dust, allowing it to cut through most forms of metal with ease thanks to the hardness of the diamonds. Back home this particular gadget cost me a pretty penny, almost three months wages, but here in Equestria I’m sure it would be a lot less considering the abundance of gems. Bet they don’t have the technique for infusing it into wire though, that one I’m keeping to myself.
I looped the wire around the bars on the window and began to happily pull it back and forth, whistling as I worked. The whistling had two effects, it not only cheered me up as I worked but it also drowned out the noise of me cutting through the metal bars. It wasn’t long before the wire had done its deed, leaving a clean cut straight through the top of the bars. I yanked them down and out of the way, before putting the wire back in my belt and making sure all my pouches were secure about my person.
I was about ready to enact my escape when an idea came to me. The guards had kept me locked up in here for most of the day now, secure in the idea that this facility could contain me. It had been really kind of them to put me up with lodgings like that, I should really leave them something in return. Pulling a piece of chalk out of my belt, I got to work defacing my cell.
Remember kiddies, when you’re about to do something stupid and potentially suicidal it’s always best to do it in style.
Stepping back I looked at my handiwork and smiled. It may have taken at least another hour to do but it was totally worth it. I wish I could stick around and see the expressions on the guards faces, but that would probably ruin the effect.
I gripped the edges of the now barless window and hauled myself up, squeezing and contorting my body through the small gap. I then hung on to the outside edge of the window and looked down.
God, I really hope this works.
Letting go of the edge of the window, I kicked off the wall and twisted my body around in mid-air so that I was plummeting head first towards the ground. The wind whipped my hair around my face as I fell, my braid often jumped around to slap me in the face as if it wanted to punish me for my stupidity.
The ground was approaching fast now and I decided it was perhaps time to get ready for an epic landing. Spinning my arms forward whilst simultaneously moving my legs backwards I managed to create enough momentum to allow me to flip over so that I was now falling back first towards the ground.
I wonder if I’ve reached terminal velocity yet? Maths never really was my strong suit. I can’t even remember the equation for working out terminal velocity. Oh well, if this doesn’t work then I’ll be turned into a pancake whether I’ve achieved terminal velocity or not. My musings were interrupted by me slamming into the ground at high speed, the only thing stopping me from dying horribly was the cartful of hay that I had aimed my body towards. The hay had managed to break my fall and stop me from dying but it still hurt like a bitch.
As I stumbled out of makeshift crash mat I noticed several ponies looking at me with expressions ranging from horror to confusion to admiration. Picking several pieces of hay from my hair and brushing some more off my shoulders I addressed the crowd.
“What? You’ve never seen someone plummet from the top of a tower onto a pile of hay before?”
Everything I know about escaping prisons, I learnt from playing Assassins Creed.
A couple of hours after Aces escape
Guard Private Stalwart Shield hated prison duty. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just standing around in silence, the Guard were trained to do that. What they weren’t trained to handle was the insufferable whining of ponies who felt that they had been wronged by the system. Delivering food to them simply allowed them to complain more. When they asked him why they were being fed gruel and bread, or why their cells were unpleasant, he always had the same response.
‘It’s prison, what in Tartarus were you expecting?’
Still, there was the occasional enjoyment of prison duty. You sometimes got an interesting inmate who you could discuss at length with the other guards. What they did to get locked up, how dangerous they are, what you would do to stop them if they escaped.
Guards are well known to be unstoppable gossips whilst off-duty.
The prisoner ‘Ace’ was something new though. Stalwart Shield had never seen anything quite like him. The best description he could think of was some kind of wimpy looking minotaur. But that wasn’t the most interesting thing about him. His visitor, the heifer in the suit, was known to be high up in the government, even if no one was quite sure how high. What would she want with some puny fool was beyond Stalwart, but he slightly pitied this ‘Ace’ fellow.
He slipped the key into the lock to Ace's cell and shoved the door open, food held out before him as a peace offering. The tray fell from his mouth a few moments later as he beheld the room. His shock not only due to its complete lack of a prisoner but also because of the vandalism that said prisoner had left behind.
Upon the far wall was a very well drawn picture of the escaped inmate blowing a kiss towards the viewer whilst two forms lay at his feet, looking up at him adoringly. One of the figures was clearly the heifer that Stalwart had seen enter the prison a few hours earlier. The other was a far more regal figure, instantly identifiable from her regalia and cutie mark as Princess Luna. Both the biped and his two apparent concubines had a speech bubble extended from their mouths up to the words written in large block capitals, as if the speakers were shouting them in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
Stalwart Shield wasn’t entirely sure what ‘Fuck Da Police!’ meant, but he was fairly sure that it wasn’t very polite.
This has been a crossover with DataPacRat's Myou've Gotta Be Kidding Me. I recommend you all go check it out. It is ridiculously intelligent, funny and updates every couple of days.
Thanks for reading,
Barrel-of-fun