Inside a house, a woman’s leg was being shaved. Then sexily, the woman proceeded to put on some nylons. Her hands squeezed along the perfume bulb, spritzing herself with the fragrant scent. A single hand positioned the AFC Championship ring over one finger… a single stone was missing.
<>
Later that same morning, following the shocking discovery the group made the night prior, they all sat together in Ace’s car. Currently, they were on a stakeout from outside Einhorn’s house waiting for Einhorn to emerge. The initial discovery that Lois Einhorn was actually Ray Finkle was most certainly a shocker for everyone. None perhaps more so than Ace Ventura himself.
The pet detective spent half the morning either throwing up, brushing his teeth, or scrubbing himself until he bled. However, regardless of the shock, the group knew that the only way to final solve this case was to catch Einhorn in the act. While they sat waiting, Ace stuck wads upon wads of gum into his mouth while watching the house like a hawk.
“Think you got enough gum there, Ace?” Rainbow asked.
“Nope…” Ace said, with his mouth full.
“Guess I don’t really blame you man. You did just find out that you kissed a maniacal transvestite. Not that there’s anything wrong with that or anything, but in your case… yeah, we can all understand. I mean after all—”
Applejack gently placed her hand over her marefriend’s mouth, preventing her from speaking further.
“Ah think ya done made yer point there hun,” She spoke.
At that moment, everyone noticed Einhorn emerging from her house and entering her car. As the car drove off, Ace spat his huge wad of gum into a giant wrapper before starting up the car.
“You’re gun is digging into my hip,” Ace grimaced. “Yeeeekkkk!”
“Oh get over it, Ace!” Spike groaned. “It happened. You already spent the entire morning cleaning yourself; I’m sure you’re fine now.”
“Let’s just follow her before we lose the trail,” Twilight informed.
Ace gave one final grimace at the memory before following behind Einhorn. The road was jammed in one direction; everyone was going towards the Super Bowl. All… except Einhorn, who drove in the opposite direction out of town. The gang tailed her from a safe distance, Ace’s head was out the window because… ‘of course’.
As this went on, various amounts of crazy fans piled into the stadium for the Super Bowl. Melissa, Bobby Riddle, and a bunch of guests were all amidst the usual pre-game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centered on the loss of Marino. Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops provided extra security for the box.
As the group followed Einhorn, driving further south out of town, they soon noticed the area was starting to become more desolate… remote even. Eventually, after turning down a deserted road, they followed Einhorn to a large, abandoned industrial facility at the docks. Einhorn parked her car and disappeared inside… a few beats later, Ace pulled the car up across the street.
“Well guys, I’m not exactly a betting man,” Ace informed them. “But if I was, I’d be willing to bet my nuts that your friend, Snowflake, and Marino are in there.”
“Ugh, seriously Ace?!” Rarity cringed in disgust. “Must you use such uncouth words?”
“Focus Rarity!” Twilight scolded lightly. “Does any pony have any idea how to get us in there undetected?”
Pinkie was the first to raise her hand high into the air.
“Oh! I know, I know, I know!” She said excitedly.
Then out of her hair, she pulled a sketch pad and pencil. Soon she began to draw out her plan as she explained to the baffled group.
“First, Ace strolls in disguised as a pizza delivery guy to deliver their pizza,” She explained. “While they’re distracted, Rainbow and Applejack will scale the building, ‘Die Hard’ style, and lower a rope for the rest of us to climb. Then Rarity uses her magic to cut a hole in the roof that we can all sneak in through. After that, we grab Phantom Dragon, Mr. Marino, and Snowflake and get them to safety. Then we bring Einhorn to justice, everyone is happy again, and we throw a huge celebration party with balloons, streamers, and pin the tail on the pony!”
She placed the sketch pad back in her hair and turned toward her friends with a huge smile, awaiting their reaction. To which they all just looked at her with such confusion. The only one who decided to speak up was Fluttershy.
“Well… that is certainly an… interesting idea,” She smiled awkwardly. “But I don’t think we have a pizza delivery outfit for Ace.”
“Aw pickles!” Pinkie pouted, with a snap of her fingers.
“Yeah, that’s what was wrong with the plan,” Rainbow scoffed.
“Anyone else got something?” Spike asked.
Everyone took a moment to think of a plan when suddenly Ace formed a devious smile on his face.
“Follow me,” He instructed.
Ace proceeded to sneak towards the industrial plant, singing the score to ‘Mission Impossible’ quietly. The rest of the group proceeded to follow behind him. They had no idea exactly what they were doing, but if it was going to help them rescue Snowflake, Phantom, and Dan Marino, then so be it.
<>
Ace and the Equestrians cautiously made their way through the desolate site, of immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons. They suddenly stopped when they heard the sound of legendary John Madden’s voice coming from a television.
“I particularly like the match-ups of the defense,” John’s voice said.
Ace and the others snuck forward a slight more before stumbling upon a strange sight: A giant T.V. projection screen turned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino was tied to a football tackling sled. Two thugs took turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time. Also tied to a tackling sled was none other than Phantom Dragon himself, though it was clear he’d seen better days. He had almost gone completely mad; his hair was wild as the west and his eyes nearly popped out of his head.
“So that’s Phantom Dragon huh?” Rainbow commented quietly. “Not what I was expecting.”
“Were ya expecting him tah be taller or somethin’?” Applejack whispered sarcastically.
“No… just saner.”
“Will you two please hush up?!” Rarity scolded quietly.
“… But the real story of this game is the absence of Dan Marino. Him being kidnapped and all has got to be a strain on this Miami team. I really feel sorry for those guys! I mean, it’s hard enough enduring the pressure of the Super Bowl, without your star quarterback gettin’ himself kidnapped. This is the whole ball of wax, folks! You wanna’ get kidnapped, you do it in the off season!...”
Marino stared incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake ‘watched’ from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.
“Oh, the poor little dear,” Fluttershy whispered. “We have to find a way to rescue him.”
“We won’t rescue anyone once we’re caught because you were talking!” Spike warned.
Fluttershy squeaked quietly but shut up real quickly. On the television screen, inside the stadium, were various shots of fans standing at attention as Jon Bon Jovi performs the national anthem. Einhorn now stood in front of the big screen T.V., singing the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The two thugs, named Vinnie and Roc respectively, are behind her standing at attention. Eventually the song ends and the crowd cheers wildly.
In a sultry fashion, Einhorn circled Marino.
“I just love Super Bowl Sundy, don’t you, Dan?” She asked, sultry yet maliciously. “A magical afternoon where dreams are made… or crushed!”
“Look lady, if you want tickets, you’re going about it in the wrong way,” Dan groaned.
“Do I look familiar to you, Dan?” Einhorn asked him. “Does it seem as if we’ve met someplace before?”
“I don’t know… I get hit in the head a lot!” Marino responded seriously.
On the T.V., the ref made an announcement: The Eagles threw a tails off the coin toss to start the game and would receive. Dan was really struggling now.
“Oops. Looks like we’re going to have to kick, Dan,” Einhorn grinned. “Kick-off, my favorite part of the game.”
Einhorn stepped behind a football set up along a tree.
“Laces Out!” She growled.
And in perfect sync with the kicker on the T.V., she botted the ball through a window of the warehouse. Marino didn’t know what to think. Phantom Dragon… looked as though he wasn’t thinking at all.
“The Jabberwock whose eyes aflame, jaws that bite and claws that catch,” He muttered insanely. “Beware the Jabberwock my son, and the frumious Bandersnatch.”
Dan Marino just glanced at the crazed man beside him before Einhorn came back up and got in his face.
“I made some refreshments, Dan,” She said through grit teeth. “Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I’ll be right back, Daaaan!!”
All of a sudden, Einhorn quickly lunged forward and kissed Marino viciously before pulling back and walking off. Marino just shook his head as she left, quickly looking over at the two hired goons.
“Look, I don’t know how much psycho woman is paying you guys, but I can double it,” He offered.
“Sorry, Danny boy,” Vinnie chuckled. “Psycho woman keeps us out of prison.”
Vinnie grabbed a feeder fish and enticed Snowflake to the surface. Roc raised a football.
“Hey, Marino, check it out,” He spoke in amusement. “I’m throwin’ passes to a Dolphin!”
He chucked the ball and struck Snowflake… hard. The two thugs laughed hysterically while Fluttershy was practically seething in her hiding spot.
“Why those good for nothing… scumbags!” She whispered.
She immediately slapped both hands over her mouth, unable to believe she had just said that. Snowflake made an angry leap and drenched the thugs. This caused the Equestrians and Ace to giggle from their hiding place. Suffice the say, the thugs were furious.
“Get some more fish!” Vinnie ordered angrily.
Roc walked off to another part of the facility and Ace grew a big smirk on his face.
“Now we divide and conquer,” He smirked. “I’ll go take care of the big dumb guy and his little friend while you guys go and save the others.”
“Ooh, ooh, can I come with you Ace?” Pinkie asked with glee.
“Sure, why not?” Ace nodded. “Let’s do this thing!”
The girls and Spike nodded in agreement, as Ace and Pinkie snuck off to deal with the thugs. Roc walked behind a big piece of machinery, reaching down for the pail of smelts… only to spot nothing.
“Where the hell’s the smelts?” He asked irritated.
He stood up straight and they hear that familiar *POP!* of a sunflower seed cracked open. Roc’s eyes widened as he turned and saw Ace coyly smiling at him, then blew the sunflower shells into his face and *CLANG!*. He whacked Roc in the head with a pailful of fish.
“BANZAAAAAAIIIIII!”
Roc’s eyes widened as a wild, pink haired girl and landed on the goon’s stomach with a belly flop. The force of the impact made the man release a wide gasp of air, his eyes went wide, and then he fell into unconsciousness as the girl picked herself casually off the goon and brushed off some dust off her clothes.
“You always were a crack shot for landing a crockpot on a crackpot, little pink buddy!” Ace smirked.
“Try saying that 3 times fast…” Pinkie replied, facing the camera.
“He slept with the fishes,” Ace spoke, in a Brando impersonation.
Having heard both the sound of the bucket and a gasp of air, Vinnie grabbed and cocked his gun as he slowly started towards where his partner had gone.
“Hey Roc, what the hell was that?” He called out nervously.
Vinnie rounded the corner, only to find nothing. Walking a slight further, he noticed a trail of smelts lined along the ground. He followed the trail around a corner, and spotted Roc, unconscious and moaning. He sat against the ground, his legs spread apart, and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts lead straight to his… crotch. One was halfway into his zipper, its tail flipping. Vinnie took in this sight, then rushed over to Roc and helped him stand up.
“Hey man! What happened? What’s goin’ on…?”
Just then, a light tapping upon his shoulder made him turn around quickly. Before his very eyes, Pinkie Pie sat behind him with the biggest smile on her face.
“What the hell is this?” He asked Roc.
“Hi mister, I was just wondering something,” Pinkie spoke innocently. “Can you do… this?”
Pinkie then proceeded to stick out her tongue wide and spun it about like helicopter blades. The motion actually lifted her slightly off the ground, much to the amazement of the thugs, before finally dropping back down and giving a ‘ta-da’ stance.
“What was that supposed to be?” Roc asked, confused.
“That my dear goon is what I call… a distraction,” Pinkie giggled.
Her eyes turned up slightly toward Ace, who stood at the top of a giant machine. The Pet Detective took aim with a 200-pound steel hook, which hung on a chain from the ceiling.
“Guess what, boys, it’s nap time!” Ace smirked.
Ace gently released the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turned to look, the iron hook sheared both their heads clean off. Two headless bodies fell to the ground, in slow motion, blood gushed out of their necks. Some of which splattered onto Pinkie’s face, her eyes widened with shock and horror.
“Holy… fried… twinkies!!!” Pinkie shouted.
Bursting from their hiding spaces, Twilight Sparkle and her friends stood before the headless bodies of the fallen goons. They looked down upon the bleeding corpses upon their feet.
“Oh my Faust!” Rarity gasped, facing Ace. “What in Celestia’s good name did you do to these men?”
“I didn’t mean to—” Ace stammered, horrified. “Oh man!!!”
Ace held his hand and danced about; the man was completely freaking out for what he had done. He turned his head up to the ceiling, as if looking toward God.
“Lord, I swear! I just wanted to knock them out!” Ace prayed, then pondered. “Is that murder? I don’t know. They were gonna kill me. But they didn’t… but they tried. That’s self-defense. That’s it!! I have nothing to worry about—”
“Would you get down here already!” Spike called out.
“Right!”
<>
A short while later, Ace Ventura and the Equestrians regrouped on the floor of the Ironworks Factory. Ace nervously whistled while wiping his fingerprints off the hook.
“Oh sure… that’s going to help,” Rainbow muttered sarcastically.
In the meantime, Fluttershy approached the tank to check up on Snowflake, who greeted her with a clicking noise.
“Don’t worry Snowflake, you’re in good hands,” Fluttershy cooed. “We’ll have you out of here in no time.”
As Fluttershy comforted Snowflake, Ace Venture approached Dan Marino. He gave a signal for Dan to keep quiet, then began to untie him. Spike and the others proceeded to help Phantom-Dragon out of his bonds.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Phantom Dragon darling,” Rarity assured. “We’re here to bail you out of this mess.”
“What took you so long?” Phantom Dragon muttered.
“Who are you?” Marino whispered.
“Ace Ventura,” Ace whispered. “Pet Detective… and associates.”
“Hey, big fans!” Rainbow replied casually. “We’ve been sent here to deliver a very special play.”
“That’s a fancy way of naming a rescue,” Applejack remarked.
“Okay girls… and Spike,” Ace began. “Time for the Quarterback sneak—”
*CLICK!*
“Penalty. Too many men on the field.”
The group froze in place and collectively turned around, slowly. Einhorn stood before them, holding a gun just from the other side of Snowflake’s tank.
“Well… what do you know?” Einhorn smirked. “The benchwarmers of the Dolphin’s cheerleading bootcamp. I warned you about interfering in this case… especially you, Ventura.”
“What happened to ‘Ace’?” Ace asked innocently.
“Good question… now, what to do with all of you?”
“It’s over Einhorn!” Twilight warned. “We know your dirty little secret; you won’t get away with this.”
“Oh… I already have. And you’re one to talk about keeping secrets, aren’t you… Twilight Sparkle?”
She proceeded to pull out the cellular phone and proceeded to dial a number.
“Be careful with that phone, lieutenant,” Ace spoke up. “We wouldn’t want you to get a tumor.”
“Seriously, Ace…” Spike groaned.
“Sergeant Aguado, it’s Lt. Einhorn,” Einhorn spoke through the phone. “Get some men over to the old ironworks factory on Victoria Road. I’ve got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It’s Ace Ventura. He’s killed Marino and Snowflake.”
Einhorn smiled, as she placed the phone away.
“I think you forgot to mention… our names?” Pinkie pointed out. “We are eyewitnesses!”
“Oh… I’ve got special plans in store for all of you,” Einhorn replied. “What happens next will be worse than the fate of that idiot Pet Detective!”
“I’m standing right here!” Ace pointed out.
“Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!” Einhorn called out.
A very guilty impression formed upon Ace’s face, while some of the group whistled innocently and Pinkie not-so-subtly tried to wipe off a speck of blood off her cheek.
“Um… who?” Pinkie asked innocently.
“You mean there’s other people here?” Ace asked innocently.
“Twilight… we do remember that we still outnumber this psycho, right?” Spike pointed out quietly.
“One wrong move and Einhorn might pull the trigger before we can act,” Twilight warned. “We have to plan carefully.”
“… My heroes,” Phantom Dragon uttered, dazedly.
<>
Meanwhile, at the police station, a battalion of cop cars screeched away toward the ironworks factory.
“Attention all units,” The radio dispatch announced. “Code 11 in progress at 343 Victorville Road. Officer needs back-up…”
<>
In the owner’s box of Bobby Riddle stadium, the cops and Emilio heard the dispatch through their ear pieces.
“… Suspect’s name: Ace Ventura, male Caucasian,” The dispatch continued. “He is armed and dangerous…”
“It’s Ace,” Emilio nudged Melissa. “Let’s go.”
Through the hallways, Emilio was high tailing out of there as fast as he could. The officer dodged concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc. Melissa raced behind him, trying her best to catch up.
“Emilio, is he in trouble?” Melissa asked, breathlessly.
“Don’t worry, there’s nothing Ace can’t handle!” Emilio assured Melissa. “And besides, he’s got his own back-up. How much trouble can he get into?
<>
Back at the Ironworks factory, Einhorn cocked her gun toward the group’s direction. While the majority of the Equestrians stood bravely in the face of danger… the faces of Ace and Pinkie glistened with tears. For lack of better terms, they were a complete wreck.
“PLEASE! Please don’t kill me sir—I mean ma’am, I mean—they?” Pinkie blubbered, like a baby. “I got a mother… I’ve got a father… I’ve got a husband… and I have three sisters!”
“We’ll never tell anyone, I swear!” Ace cried, pointing to Dan Marino. “He’s who you want! Kill him!”
“Ace?!” The Equestrians shouted.
“No, no! Kill him!” Dan replied.
“DUDE!” Spike frowned.
“Kill him!” Ave Ventura spat.
“Kill him!” Ace and Dan pointed at P.D.
“WHAT?!” Phantom-Dragon cried, in outrage. “NO! Don’t kill me! I’m just a victim of circumstance!”
“He’s the detective!” Dan gestured to Ace.
“He’s the witness!” Ace pointed at P.D.
“I’ve got a wife!” Phantom-Dragon screamed in desperation.
“He held the ball, remember?” Ace pointed back at Dan. “Come on, look at him!”
Having grown impatient, Einhorn fired a shot in the air, and the three men immediately shut up.
“Crybaby!” Dan mocked Ace.
“Jack!” Ace spat.
“Wimp.”
“Musclehead.”
“Overrated comedian,” Phantom-Dragon added.
“Shut up, Doc!” Ace spat.
“I… AM… NOT… A DOCTOR!!!”
“Shut up!” Einhorn shouted.
“You’re messing with powers far beyond your control,” Twilight warned Einhorn. “Even you aren’t insane enough to know who you’re dealing with.”
“I spent a fraction of my life trapped with the worst scum of the state,” Einhorn remarked. “Nothing would surprise me.”
Twilight Sparkle looked around toward all her friends surrounding her, then once more faced Einhorn. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and proceeded to conjure the magic within. Their frames started to glow and after a brief flash of light, where a group of girls and a teen boy once stood… ponies and a dragon took their place. Einhorn was a slight surprised, yet still kept the gun on them. Even Marino couldn’t believe it himself.
“You’re… ponies?” Einhorn spoke slowly. “And a dragon?”
“You were right before about us being strangers here,” Twilight spoke up. “You’ve got your secrets; we have ours.”
“And we’re here to stop you’re insane vendetta against the Dolphins,” Rainbow added. “Oh… and to rescue our friend too.”
All heads turned toward where Phantom-Dragon sat tied up, only now he was no longer in human form… but his pony form.
“Surprise!” Phantom-Dragon spoke meekly.
“Now we know each other’s secrets,” Applejack pointed out. “What’re you gonna do to us now; kill us?”
“No… I’m gonna kill the dolphin first,” Einhorn retorted, facing the group. “I wouldn’t want you to miss that.”
Einhorn walked to the edge of the tank and proceeded to take aim toward Snowflake.
“NOOO….!!!”
*BANG!*
The gun fired a shot… only it missed Snowflake… yet the bullet didn’t even hit the water. Einhorn was pounced to the ground by one of the ponies… and surprisingly, it was Fluttershy out of the entire group.
“I won’t let you hurt, Snowflake!!!” Fluttershy shouted, her eyes flaming.
“Whoa…!” Rainbow reeled back.
“Oh, you’ve done it now…” Spike added.
“Why you little…” Einhorn snarled.
Einhorn shoved the yellow Pegasus off her and Fluttershy proceeded to fly wildly. Einhorn took aim at her fun and proceeded to fire again. *BANG! BANG! BANG!* But with every shot she fired, Einhorn missed… surprisingly Fluttershy was flying much faster than her friends usually saw in their friend. But knowing that even Fluttershy couldn’t keep this up for long, the group knew they had to act fast.
Suddenly…
“Blue forty-two!!” Ace hollered.
Einhorn turned toward Ace.
“SHUT UP!!” Einhorn shouted.
“BLUE FORTY-TWO!!” Ace responded.
Einhorn shot towards Ace, who quickly dove out of the way. Rarity squeaked and ducked, as the bullet barely sent a piece of her mane flying.
“HEY! WATCH THE MANE!!!” Rarity shouted.
“HUT! HUT!” Ace shouted.
Suddenly, Snowflake leapt out of the water and took the gun out of Einhorn’s hand, much like a trick from earlier. Snowflake swam about the pool with the gun in his mouth.
“Yes. The highly trained dolphin,” Ace remarked smugly. “Perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom.”
“Fun facts, hot shot,” Pinkie added. “Snowflake knows exactly what we needed him to do, as if our minds are somehow in complete synchronization.”
“They have been known to save men at sea you know. They have their own language.”
“Come here, Snowflake! Give Auntie Pinkie the gun!”
Pinkie Pie proceeded to make dolphin noises, with Ace Ventura joining in. Much like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swam around the tank, passed the pair, then handed the gun back to Einhorn. He finished with a tail wink.
“Why that stupid fish…” Rainbow muttered, under her breath.
“He’s not a fish!” Fluttershy called out. “He’s an aquatic mammal; big difference!”
On the television, the Miami kicker proceeded to boot a perfect field goal from fifty yards away.
“He got all of his leg into that one!” John Madden announced.
The field goal kicker was hugged by his teammates, as the group watched the scene.
“Good to see someone who doesn’t buckle under the pressure?” Ace asked Einhorn.
“Yeah, not like in 82 when we choked…” Marino added.
“You blame all your problems on Marino all those years,” Spike pointed out. “You refuse to take responsibility for your own game.”
Einhorn merely walked toward Ace and put the gun against his head.
“What would you know about pressure?” Einhorn sneered.
“Well, I’ve kissed a man,” Ace answered.
“We can vouch on that one,” Rainbow nodded quickly.
“Of course, there’s never been a more crucial kick than the famous Kick heard ‘round the world…” John Madden announced.
The famous footage aired on T.V., and all eyes turned to watch.
“… I mean, it’s clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.”
“The laces weren’t out,” Einhorn growled. “THE LACES WEREN’T OUT!!”
Einhorn took a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden’s forehead. Ace used this moment to smack the gun out of her hand. Soon the Equestrians became witnesses to a huge, no-holds-barred fight. Ace and Einhorn punched each other about, in the face and toward the stomach. One punch from Einhorn, and Ace was sent tumbling down.
Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leapt toward and tackled her. They both crashed into some old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. While they were busy, Applejack and Rainbow Dash struggled to untie the bonds off Phantom-Dragon’s hooves while Spike was working on Marino’s knots. Einhorn kicked Ace, sending him flying towards Marino.
“Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?” Marino asked sarcastically.
“You don’t understand,” Ace gasped, out of breath.
“It’s a funny story actually,” Spike added. “You see, she’s actually—”
*WHAM!*
A single fist from Einhorn sent Spike reeling backward and he clutched his forehead, groaning in pain.
“SPIKEY-WIKEY!!!” Rarity wailed, rushing towards him.
Einhorn proceeded to grab Ace, throwing him into a headlock and began wailing on his face. Twilight was about to aim her horn for a good shot at Einhorn, when a shadow briefly caught her eyes. Twilight looked up and her expression widened.
Cops started to arrive, SWAT team members dispersed onto the catwalk as the fight continued… appearing just as Twilight and her group reverted back into human forms (Even Phantom-Dragon). They tried but couldn’t get a bead on Ace as the two rolled around the floor throwing more punches. They took their fight upon a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn were slugging it out as equals. Aguado just caught up with the cops, just in time to see the fight commence.
“Get him, Lois!” Aguado shouted.
“I really don’t like that jerk!” Rainbow groaned.
Soon the pair crashed through a plate glass window together. Ace got to his knees first and wobbled toward the gun. By now it was the first clear shot the SWAT team had.
“Shoot him! Shoot him!” Einhorn screamed.
The guns cocked one by one. Ace was just within the rifle sights. All fingers twitch on the triggers.
“No wait!” Twilight called out. “WAIT!”
“DON’T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!”
All eyes turned as Emilio appeared, clutched under the hold of… Melissa! Surprisingly, she had a gun under his chin.
“Put down your guns or this cop gets it!” Melissa shouted.
The SWAT team hesitated at first, even the Equestrians were confused by this display.
“She wouldn’t—” Rarity spoke, while comforting Spike.
“I mean it!!” Melissa shouted, cocking the gun.
“She would…” Applejack grimaced.
“Ah… Melissa? That’s a hair trigger,” Emilio whispered, then loudly. “She’s not joking!”
The SWAT team leader signaled his men, then they proceeded to lower their guns. Einhorn got back to her feet.
“He kidnapped Snowflake,” Einhorn accused. “He killed Roger Podacter, and now he and his followers were about to kill Dan Marino and me!”
“Kill… Dan Marino?” Spike spoke dizzily. “I barely even know him…”
“Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun!” Ace remarked. “But I find the reference section much more enlightening.”
“For instance, if you were to look up ‘professional football’s all time bonehead plays’,” Pinkie began, ala Clarence Darrow. “You might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen.”
“What you wouldn’t read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!” Ace concluded in one breath.
Ace gasped for air, as Pinkie stood beside him patting his back. To suggest that everyone was totally confused was an understatement.
“What they hell are you trying to say?” Aguado asked incredulously.
“She’s not Lois Einhorn!” Twilight spoke up. “She’s Ray Finkle, the former Dolphins kicker.”
“She’s lying!” Einhorn yelled. “Shoot them!”
“Let’s just see who’s lying,” Ace spoke, approaching Einhorn. “Would a real woman have to wear one of these?”
Ace dramatically tugged Einhorn’s hair, thinking it were a wig. Einhorn’s head flew back; the hair was real. Ace kept tugging it. All the while, the SWAT team readied themselves again.
“Wow… that’s really on there!” Pinkie remarked.
“But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing these?!” Ace continued.
Ace ripped open Einhorn’s blouse, revealing two beautiful breasts. Twilight and her friends slapped their foreheads in embarrassment. The sharpshooters were tensing. Ace laughed nervously now.
“Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend!” Ace replied. “But I doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of Mr. Knish!!”
Ace ripped off Einhorn’s skirt. Einhorn now stood there fully nude… sort of. And yet, she appeared to own the perfect figure of a woman.
“This is just painful to watch…” Spike moaned.
“Ooh boy…” Ace gasped.
Ace faced Melissa and Emilio and shrugged his shoulders. Then, just when it seemed all was lost, Dan Marino, who was back behind Einhorn, motioned for Ace to come over.
“Psst… Ace!” Marino whispered. “Kids… come here!”
“Could you excuse me just a second,” Ace informed everyone.
Ace and the Equestrians approached Dan, while Melissa still held Emilio hostage.
“Shoot them,” Einhorn ordered. “Shoot them, now!!”
“Don’t anybody make a move!” Melissa warned the cops.
Marino whispered something in Ace’s ear, while gesturing his head to the group. The group slowly turned their eyes, and their faces went wide… the answer suddenly clear. Ace, meanwhile, looked confident again. Once more, he addressed the crowd.
“Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention,” Ace informed everyone. “Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!!!”
Ace spun Einhorn around now, exposing to the world… a healthy set of male genitalia… that Finkle learned to keep tucked between his legs. Everyone gasped at the sight, all the cops started to spit with disgust. Then Emilio spat… and Marino spat. Proving that all of them had kissed her/him/it… even Snowflake blew his spout. The girls and Spike tried to hold back their lunch just to keep themselves from hurling.
Finally, Finkle dropped the façade.
“It was Marino’s fault,” Finkle spoke, in a deeper voice. “The laces were in… they were IN!!!”
“It’s over, Finkle!” Twilight spoke. “All your plots… all your follies… they’re all exposed!”
“In more ways than one you wacked out fraud!” Rainbow smirked.
“… You’re the frauds!” Finkle growled, pointing accusingly. “They… are the phonies! They’re magical ponies! I’ve seen them talk! Them… and their little dragon friend too!”
“And you guys always tell me I’m cuckoo for coconuts!” Pinkie giggled, whistling. “One ticket aboard the ‘loco’ motion boys!”
“Somebody read it its rights,” Ace added, cracking a sunflower seed.
And low and behold… Lois’s plan… Finkle’s plan… foiled by the stupid detective and those colorful ponies playing dress-up. A plot which they’ve been planning for years: Exact revenge on Dan Marino… foiled. All completely spoiled, but… they weren’t going down just yet. If they fell, Ace and the meddling ponies… and the dragon… they’d be joining them. They picked up a sharp piece of broken glass and raced towards the pet detective, ready to stab him through the heart.
“DIE ANIMAL BOOOOOOYYYY!!!” She screamed.
The girls and Spike quickly took notice of the raging woman and just what she was about to do.
“ACE!!! LOOK OUT!!!” Twilight shouted.
“Quick decision!” Ace declared, calmly yet cheerfully.
Ace proceeded to grab the killer by the waist and hurled them head first into the frigid water of Snowflake’s tank. The others sighed with relief knowing Ace was safe. After a few seconds, Finkle’s heard emerged from the water, spitting some out from their mouth as they fought and thrashed their way around the surface, helplessly.
“Help, I can’t swim!!!” Finkle gasped for air.
Finkle went under again, sinking to the depths below. Snowflake swam toward them, allowing Finkle to grab onto his fin and pulled Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle laid there completely exhausted. Soon, Ace stepped on their right hand and removed the ’82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle’s finger, a ring with the missing stone. Ace replaced it with the stone in his pocket, which fit perfectly… before kicking Finkle in the face.
“I WOULD’VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU MEDDLING PET DETECTIVE AND YOUR FILTHY COLORED RATS!!!” Finkle shouted.
Snowflake then proceeded to kick the football from the water, which landed on Finkle’s head and gave them such a splitting headache. Fluttershy hovered toward the dazed criminal.
“Snowflake just wanted you to know we’re not rats…” Fluttershy corrected.
Then in a flash, much to the astonishment of the SWAT team and police, the girls and their friends reverted back to their Equestrian forms.
“We… are… ponies!” Twilight concluded.
“And dragon!” Spike added.
“Nice one dude!” Rainbow Dash smiled, high fiving the dolphin.
“AAAAAAAAA LOOOOSSEER!!!” Ace spoke mockingly. “LLLOOOSER! LLOO HOO SERR HERRR HERR!!!”
“Case of the Missing Dolphin… CLOSED BABY!!!” Rainbow exclaimed excitedly.
“Also murder and kidnapping case closed as well,” Rarity added.
“Either way, ah’m glad we done got it done with!” Applejack sighed with relief.
“Boy, I can’t even begin to tell you how great it feels to have my head back on straight again,” Phantom Dragon spoke, with relief.
Meanwhile, Melissa still held the gun against Emilio’s head.
“Melissa… you can give me back my gun now,” He told her nervously.
As a matter of fact, Melissa had quite forgotten she even had the gun. She proceeded to hand it to Emilio and fainted in his arms. Now Aguado appeared beside Ace and the others.
“So it’s true…” Aguado spoke. “You really are talking ponies… and a dragon.”
“What do you want now Aguado?” Spike asked. “More insults now that you know the truth?”
“Nah…” Aguado shook his head. “Actually, I wanted to apologize to all of you. I really misjudged you, all of you.
“You were acting like a real big grumpy meanie pants,” Pinkie responded.
“I know, but you all proved me wrong. I don’t know how you did it, Ventura… but what you and your team did… that was damn good police work.”
“Thank you Mr. Aguado,” Fluttershy thanked him. “We may have gotten off on the wrong hoof before, but I’m glad we’re finally on a good one.”
Fluttershy reached out her hoof to which Aguado happily accepted with a handshake. One by one, all the others shook his hand before he turned back toward his fellow officers.
“Alright guys, let’s wrap this up!” He called out.
The police proceeded to lead Einhorn (And what was left of her goons) out of the facility, locking them in the back of the police car as the group watched in satisfaction.
“Glad to finally see that creep taken down,” Phantom Dragon commented. “Holding me hostage in this place for days… I just about lost my freaking mind.”
“From where we ere standing dude, looks like you didlose your mind,” Rainbow told him.
“You couldn’t just play along for a second, could you?”
“Not really, no.”
Then Marino looked down at the watch on his wrist and realized just what time it was.
“Ah crap!” He exclaimed. “Halftime is almost over. If I don’t get to the stadium soon, we might just lose the Super Bowl.”
“Need a lift, Dan?” Ace asked, gesturing to his car.
Everyone proceeded to hop in the car, with Marino And Ace up front. They all proceeded to drive down the highway with a police escort. Twenty or more police cars in single file providing more than ample escort for the group in Ace’s Chevy Bel-Aire with the cracked windshield. Both Ace and Marino had their heads sticking out so they could see. Marino had a wad of gum in his mouth.
“Hey, Ace?” Marino called out.
“Yeah, Dan?” Ace responded.
“Got any more gum?”
“That’s none of your damn business and I would appreciate it if you stayed out of my personal affairs.”
<>
At the stadium, the Super Bowl Halftime show was in process. Marino stood in uniform, warming up for the game. Emilio drooled over the cheerleaders. Ace and Melissa stood near the fifty-yard line taking in the awesome spectacle. Some fireworks went off around the tank, while a marching band played a triumphant tune.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back to BOBBY RIDDLE Stadium, our beloved mascot and star of the halftime show… Snowflake!!!” The announcer proclaimed.
Down in his tank, Snowflake was happy to be back to his home once more and really excited to perform his halftime trick. Helping him out was none other than Fluttershy, in pony form, offering him some smelts and affectionate head rubs before he kicked a field goal. The crowd goes wild. And as they roared, Melissa turned toward Ace, and with Snowflake in the background performing spectacular flips, they kissed.
As they kiss, the prized ‘White Pigeon’ landed on a Gatorade dispenser in the foreground. Ace spotted it and started to make a move. Just as he closed in for the grab, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot walked up for a drink and shooed the pigeon away. This infuriated Ace…
“You idiot!” He yelled. “Do you know what you’ve done?!”
The giant eagle head looked toward Ace.
“Huh?” He spoke confused.
“You just cost me ten thousand bucks, Polly!” Ace seethed.
“Yeah, blow me!” The mascot responded.
“REE-HEE-HEE-HEELYYY?!!!”
Ace then shoved the mascot, who in turn shoved him right back. Soon all hell broke loose as Ace threw a massive punch which sent them into a brawl across the sidelines. Ace tackled the mascot to the ground and proceeded to pound on him as the girls and Spike watched from the side.
“Oh it is on now!” Rainbow commented.
“Shouldn’t we step in and stop them?” Rarity suggested.
“Nah, ah think that there feller had it coming,” Applejack shook her head.
“Hey guys, check it out!” Pinkie smiled, pointing up.
Everyone looked up toward the fight now taking place on the jumbo screen for all to see. Melissa, the girls, and Spike couldn’t help but chuckle at the display.
“The National Football League would now like to offer a special thank you to the man who rescued Dan Marino and our beloved Snowflake. A great humanitarian, and lover of all animals… Mr. Ace Ventura!”
Having heard his name being yelled out to the field, Ace put a halt on his beatdown of the mascot and smiled happily for the camera. Eventually, he finally got off the mascot and walked back toward his group of friends and his girlfriend.
“Dang Ace, you really put a hurting on bird brain over there,” Spike chuckled.
“That’s what happens when you cost me twenty-five grand,” Ace replied.
Just then, a sudden wind picked up and soon the crystal portal back to Equestria opened up. Everyone looked on in shock, except for the ‘Mane Six’ and Spike.
“It’s time to go,” Twilight pointed out.
“Aww, but I thought we’d stay for the rest of the game!” Rainbow pouted.
“Come along darlin’,” Applejack smirked. “If we leave now, we might be able to have time for a little game of our own…”
“… SEE YA SUCKERS!!!”
Rainbow raced for the portal with Applejack close behind. The rest of he group walked toward the portal, just as Ace approached to offer one final farewell.
“I’ll miss you guys, especially you, Pinkster,” He told Pinkie. “Never thought about having a partner in my detective work, but I might have reconsidered if it was you.”
“Yeah, that would’ve been so fun,” Pinkie replied. “But I’ve got a family to get back to.”
She reaches into her mane, pulls out a locket and shows him a picture of her, Cheese Sandwich, and their son.
“Oh my gosh, your son’s adorable!” Ace smiled. “And your hubby plays the accordion?! You got the coolest family, Pinkie! Say, if ya ever come back, you have to bring ‘em along next time! Just imagine the four of us on a case!”
“NOPE!” Twilight yelled.
Twilight grabbed Pinkie with her magic and floated her back over to the others.
“The multiverse is in enough danger as it is!” She said. “Let’s go home!”
With that, the group quickly made their way through the portal and back to Equestria where they belong. No matter what they thought about their time in this world, one thing was for sure:
This had been some of the most fun they’ve ever had.
<>
Meanwhile, outside the stadium, the woman in black from earlier stood in the parking lot looking towards the stadium. Suddenly, another figure walked up beside her. A man wearing a dark leather jacket with a matching dark look etched on his face.
“Did you send them the warning?” The man asked.
“Indeed I did,” The woman replied. “Soon enough, the sands of time will run out and all worlds will be judged for their sins.”
The man gave a low chuckle as he placed an arm around the shrouded woman.
“Doomsday is upon us…”
The End…?