//------------------------------// // Lois Einhorn // Story: Cinematic Adventures: Ace Ventura Pet Detective // by extremeenigma02 //------------------------------// Later that very same day, following their little excursion to the Miami Dolphins Stadium, Ace Ventura and the Equestrian Heroes found themselves in his car driving down the highway. Shortly after Ace uncovered his little clue in Snowflake’s tank, he wouldn’t tell the others ‘what’ it was or ‘why’ it was so important in the first place. ‘Why’ that was… they weren’t sure. “So… Ace,” Spike spoke, from the back. “Whywon’t you tell us what it is that you found?” “It’s on a ‘need to know’ basis,” Ace responded. “Well, we ‘are’ your partners in this whole thing,” Rainbow snarked. “I’m pretty sure we fall under the ‘need to know’ part!” “Where are we even going anyway?” Rarity asked. “You said you wanted to head over to the police department, didn’t you?” Ace replied, with a smirk. “And we’re only doin’ that now because…?” Applejack asked. “I have my reasons.” Eventually, Ace pulled right up to the police station and skidded the car to a stop in one of the parking spaces (Much to Spike and the girls’ shock). Pushing through the front door of the facility, Ace confidently strolled into the precinct with his companions following behind him. As they walked, the girls (And Spike) could hear a few cops snickering and making comments. “Lassie must be missing,” One cop joked to another. “My, how rude!” Rarity whispered. “Don’t worry about it Rarity,” Twilight whispered back. “Let’s just get the information on Snowflake, ask about Phantom Dragon, and we’ll be underway.” “I do hope we find him,” Fluttershy spoke worriedly. “I can’t stand the thought of him out there, all alone and afraid. He must be so worried.” “When you say ‘him’, do you mean Phantom-Dragon… or Snowflake?” Spike asked curiously. “… Both.” “Ahh don’t worry Flutter Butter!” Pinkie replied, placing an arm around her friend. “We’ll find them, or my name isn’t ‘Pinkamena Diane Windowshade Cabrera Chesterfield Pie’.” “… You never told us that was your full name,” Rainbow pointed out. “I did now…” As they walked, an older-looking rotund cop, Aquado by name and one who rather dislikes Ace, stepped up behind them. “Hey, Ventura!” He called out. “Make any good collars lately?” “Or were they leashes?” Another cop joked. The police officers all burst out laughing over the joke they made at Ace’s expense. Spike and the girls just rolled their eyes and shook their heads. As for Ace, he just gave his own sarcastic laugh as Aguado potted a bug upon the group. The big man abruptly stepped on the bug, much to Fluttershy’s dismay. “Homicide, Ventura!” He mocked toward Ace. “How you gonna solve this one?!” While all the cops kept laughing, Fluttershy quickly raced forward and knelt before the squashed bug. True, it was a small insect and no doubt there were millions of these species. But still… it hurt her immensely to witness a little creature harmed in such a way. Meanwhile, Ace turned back toward Aguado after sarcastically laughing. “Good question, Aguado,” He responded. “First, I’d establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug’s dick and became insanely jealous.” The other cops reacted with shock, along with Spike and the other Equestria girls. “Then I’d lose thirty pounds… porking his wife!” “Oooh!!!” The girls and Spike leaned back. Aguado, suddenly losing it, swung a fist toward Ace. However, at lightning speed, Fluttershy jumped up and grabbed Aguado’s arm. She proceeded to twist it behind his back, with Aguado cringing his pain. She forced his face toward the ground where the dead bug laid before him. “How dare you hurt an innocent little bug like that?!” She spoke loudly and angrily. “It was a harmless little creature that did absolutely nothing to you!” “I wholeheartedly agree!” Ace nodded. “Now kiss and make up!” That’s when the others felt it was time to intervene as they came up and quickly pulled Fluttershy off of Aguado. “Alrighty Fluttershy, y’all done made yer point,” Applejack told her. “But he just…” “We saw what happened,” Rainbow interrupted Fluttershy. “We know you love all kinds of animals, but we need you to remember the task at hand. We can’t find Phantom or Snowflake if we’re in jail.” Eventually, Fluttershy calmed down and Ace led them all away while Aguado picked himself back to his feet. Eventually, they approached the desk of Emilio Echavez, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace, with a silly impish expression on his face, turned toward the others. “If you’ll give me a moment, there’s something I gotta do!” He spoke devilishly. “What are you doing Ace?” Twilight asked suspiciously. Ace gave no answer as he crept behind Emilio and, for some odd and no apparent reason… he turned and grabbed hold of his rear to make it look like it was talking. “Excuse me!” He spoke deeply. “I’d like to ass you a few questions!” Rainbow, Spike, and Pinkie tried so hard to contain their laughter over the humor, while Rarity was rather appalled by such a display. As for Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack, they merely turned away out of embarrassment (Applejack tipping her hat over her eyes). Emilio turned back and rolled his eyes over his friend’s antics. “It’s not a good time, Ace,” He spoke. “If Einhorn sees me talking to you, or your ass, I’m gonna be history!” “I think I can keep him under control,” Ace reassured. “But you’ll have to tell me who’s working the Snowflake case.” “Hey man, I can’t say anything. My hands are tied.” Not liking the answer he received, Ace turned back around… right back to ‘Mr. Ass’. Billy Gunn? NO… Not ‘that’ one!!! “Alright, that’s it; now it’s my turn,” Ace/Mr. Ass spoke. “Five minutes along, that’s all I need.” “Alright Ace, you’ve made your point,” Twilight sighed. Just then, a cop approached Emilio’s desk with a hint of fear upon his face. “Look alive, Einhorn’s on her way down.” This caused Emilio to grow concerned as well as Spike and the girls tried to convince Ace to quit his antics. “Seriously Ace, this is quite immature!” Rarity said. “What’s wrong Rarity?” Ace/Mr. Ass spoke. “Afraid I’ll make a stink?” Rarity quickly backed away with her jaw dropped in disgust, as Ace kept trying to get information out of Emilio. Until at last, he finally relented. “Alright, Aguado is working the case man,” Emilio sighed in defeat. “Aguado?” Ace spoke, with an eye roll. “Good call.” “That guy is such a poor excuse for a cop,” Rainbow chuckled. “He’s pimple juice; the poster child for lead paint chip eaters.” It was then Emilio first actually took notice of the group of teenagers. “And… who are these kids exactly?” He asked Ace. “My new assistants,” Ace responded simply. “They’ve agreed to help me work the case.” Emilio turned back toward the group, who all nodded their heads in agreement. “That’s true Mr. Emilio, sir!” Twilight agreed. “We’re here to help Ace any way we can in finding the missing dolphin.” “But y’all are kids!” Emilio said skeptically. “We may not look like much sir,” Fluttershy spoke. “But I happen to have a knack for finding animals.” “And Applejack over there is quite the expert at herding animals,” Spike added. “It’s true!” Applejack nodded. “So if there’s anything you can tell us about the case, we’d be super-duper happy and very appreciative,” Pinkie smiled. “I’ll even bake you a cake!” “I’m sorry to tell you, but we don’t exactly have a whole lot of information,” Emilio responded. “We’re a little busy with murderers, robberies, and drug dealers. A missing dolphin isn’t exactly a high priority.” “What you’re saying is… you ‘have’ the information, but you can’t tell us,” Rainbow emphasized, staring daggers. “Or you won’t… we can play hardball too, you know?” The elevator was getting closer and the fear in Emilio’s gaze only increased by the second. “Ace, gimmie a break will ya?” Emilio begged. Meanwhile, Ace nonchalantly sat back in a chair, popping a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracked it loudly. “Tick tock Senor Emilio,” Pinkie clicked her tongue. “Okay, okay!” Emilio answered quickly. “We checked all the local animal rights groups, taxidermists, and we’re running a check through DMV on all recent van rentals. So far, nada. “Any unusual bets being made?” Ace questioned. “Ace, it’s the Super Bowl, of course there’s bets being made.” I can vouch for that one… “What’d you find out about the tank?” Ace questioned further. “Nothing weird,” Emilio answered. “Just the tire tracks and the exit route. The guard didn’t see anything.” “That’s it?” Applejack asked, raising a brow. “Are ya sure?” “That’s it!” Emilio answered nervously. “I swear. Now Ace, please go away!” “You know something?” Ace asked impishly. “YOU’RE NICE!” Ace got up and left the room, as the Equestrians watched. Just as Emilio sighed with relief, Ace popped back in. “What about crazy Philly fans?” Ace asked. *DING!* The elevator bell rang. Out stepped police lieutenant Lois Einhorn, mid-30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs… and a bad attitude. “Holy Testicle Tuesday!” Ace shouted. “Dude!” Spike shouted, staring at Ace. “Was that really necessary?” “What the hell is he doing here?” Einhorn asked Emilio. “I came to confess,” Ace replied humorously. “I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.” “… I don’t get it,” Twilight spoke. “Spare me the routine, Ventura,” Einhorn rolled her eyes, annoyed. “I know you’re working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We’ll find the porpoise.” “Wheww… now I feel better!” Ace replied, with mock relief. Ace turned to go when Pinkie Pie looked up at the ceiling, smiled mischievously, and raised her fingers. “Three… two… one…” Pinkie counted, pointing at Ace. “Of course, that might not do any good,” Ace continued. “You see, nobody’s missing a porpoise. It’s a ‘dolphin’ that’s been taken. The common Harbor Porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin.” “The Bottlenose Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage,” Fluttershy added, then turned away. “But… I’m sure you already knew that.” Fluttershy again hid her face behind her hair, a piece of which she fidgeted between her fingers. Ace, meanwhile, turned toward Fluttershy with a look that screams ‘Alrighty then’… “That’s what turns me on about you,” Ace replied. “Your attention to detail.” *Growls* Watch it, buddy… Einhorn leaned closer until everyone could see the heated scowl upon her face. If looks could kill, Ace would ‘surely’ be six feet under by now. “Listen, pet dick!” She growled. “How would you like for me to make your life a living hell?” “Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship Lois but thank you for asking,” Ace smirked. “Hey… maybe I’ll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. Your number still 911? Alrighty then!” Einhorn huffed and was about to leave when Twilight Sparkle quickly stopped her. “Excuse me, Lieutenant Einhorn ma’am,” She interrupted. “What do you want?!” Einhorn practically spat in response. “Um well, you see… it’s about our friend. He’s currently missing and we…” “If you want to file a missing person’s report, talk to internal affairs,” Einhorn responded. “That’s the problem ma’am, he kind of went missing… outside of this area.” “Then unfortunately, there isn’t anything I can do about that,” Einhorn spoke, walking away again. “Now if you’ll excuse me—” “Oh please Miss Einhorn!” Rarity begged. “We need to find him; we can’t go back home without him. At the very least, could you tell us if you hear anything about him? His name is Phantom Dragon.” All of a sudden, Einhorn froze in her tracks as she slowly turned back around. “Well… I suppose I can have my men keep an eye out,” She answered. “However, I won’t make any promises. This is a big city, after all… people go missing every day.” “I understand, we just hope that…” “I said we’ll do what we can!” Einhorn spoke loudly. “Now please leave the precinct immediately… or else!” She quickly turned heel and made her way out of the area as quickly as possible. With that, Ace departed from the room with the Mane Six and Spike following behind. They emerged from the precinct and piled back into the car one-by-one. With the police unable, and also unwilling to lend a hand in finding Snowflake or Phantom Dragon, they realized they needed a new course of action. “What do we do now?” Rainbow asked. “Those bonehead cops aren’t going to do buck at all to help us!” “Rainbow, language!” Rarity scolded. Rainbow merely brushed her off and huffed in annoyance. “Ah know one thing fer sure,” Applejack told them. “That there Einhorn sure knows something ‘bout this whole humdinger.” “Are you sure?” Twilight asked. “Course ah am. When we was askin’ her ‘bout Phantom Dragon or Snowflake, ya could see she was clearly trying tah hide something.” “She certainly did seem on edge,” Spike agreed. “Even I could tell she was doing everything possible just to avoid the question.” “Well don’t you all worry nothing,” Ace smiled. “Because I still have a few Aces up my sleeve.” He proceeded to reach right up his sleeve and pulled out a few pictures of himself as a joke. Pinkie Pie was the only one who really seemed to enjoy the joke as she laughed. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” She laughed. “That is so funny!” “But seriously, do you have ‘another’ plan?” Twilight asked, straight to the point. “Of course I do!” Ace nodded. “We gotta go see a buddy of mine. He knows any and ‘all’ things related to finding animals. Buckle up!” The remainder of the group wasted no time in buckling themselves up as Ace floored the gas pedal and peeled right down the highway en route towards their new lead in this case. <> Later that night, the gang pulled up before a wild thrasher club and walked inside. An incredible thrash band was on stage cranking, as a whole bunch of kids jumped wildly into the mosh pit. Everyone walked inside and saw a burnout at the bar, whose head circled insanely to the music. “Well this is definitely not where I expected we’d end up,” Twilight spoke truthfully, looking around. “Oh yeah, now this is my kind of place!” Rainbow said excitedly. “Crank up the jams bro!” Ace proceeded to approach the guy thrashing his head around wildly. “Excuse me?!” He shouted. “Is Greg here?!” The burnout’s head thrashed on with the guy having no acknowledgement of Ace. “Thank you!” Ace shouted again. Ace made way for the basement stairs with everyone else following closely behind him. As they walked, Spike stopped abruptly as he felt a shooting pain in his head. He quickly clutched his head and started to stumble. Twilight quickly rushed up to check if he was alright. “Spike, what’s wrong?!” Twilight asked in concern. “You alright?” “Ahh—it’s—it’s nothing,” He replied shakily. “Whoa… yeah, I’m okay.” “No, you’re not,” Twilight responded. “I can tell those headaches of yours are getting worse!” “Don’t worry Twilight,” Spike responded, holding his head. “The music’s just too loud. Just gimme a minute and I’ll be alright. I promise.” Twilight Sparkle, while certain Spike was just covering up as he always did, nodded her approval, and waited for Spike to catch his bearings. Eventually, the headache slowly started to recede… but then something really weird happened. All at once, Spike started hearing… ‘voices’ inside his own head. You don’t need her! You’re stronger than her! Burn her to a crisp! Fry her! Spike merely shook his head quickly until the voices quickly went away. Once he was calm, he turned back toward Twilight. “Are you alright now?” She asked. “Uh—y-yeah, all good,” Spike responded, with a small smile. “C’mon… we’re wasting time.” Twilight narrowed her eyes for a moment before turning around, following the rest of the group to the basement. Spike soon followed after while clutching his head. Ace descended toward the stairs until he stopped upon a large steel door. Ace banged on it three times and a voice was heard from inside. “What’s the password?!” “New England Clam Chowder!” Ace responded. “Is that the red or the white?” “Ugh!” Ace groaned. “I can never remember that part!” “White!” Pinkie answered enthusiastically. The door started to slide open as Ace and the others faced Pinkie with surprise. “How did you know that was the password?” Rarity asked. “I didn’t!” Pinkie responded, smiling. With a shrug, Pinkie skipped along inside while everyone stared after her for the longest moment. But eventually they followed her inside, not even bothering to reward that with further questions. Inside the room it resembled some giant lab of some sorts with Green Peace ‘Save the Whales’ posters abound. Greg a.k.a. Woodstock, a laid back, ex-hippie with long gray hair, sat upon a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have their own distinct banter. *Thud* A thud above drew Pinkie Pie to look above. Part of the ceiling was made of metal grating, so one could see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy’s face got smashed into the grate. In which case, it was the burnout from the club. “Aw… poor man must’ve partied himself too hard,” Pinkie shook her head. “Hey Woodstock!” Ace greeted. “Hey! St. Francis! How’s it goin?” Woodstock responded. “Super and thank you for asking. Hope you’re having a nice day.” “Do you?” “Don’t I?” Woodstock soon took notice of the rest of the group. “Who’s the rest of these little birdies?” “We’re new colleagues of Ace,” Twilight responded. “We’re helping him find the missing dolphin.” “Well ain’t that great?” Woodstock responded, joyfully. “Nice to see kids taking an interest in helping the animals. Not like those damn spring breakers that come here and pollute our ecosystem.” “And… what are you up to, Mr. Woodstock sir?” Fluttershy asked curiously. “Just watching the fishies, little bird,” Woodstock responded. *BLIP!* A sound from the computer screen drew Woodstock to roll his chair over to observe. He gestured for Fluttershy and the others to come over, which they did. It showed a map with several ships on the ocean. He quickly tapped in some commands and the ships started sailing in all directions. “You see those blips?” Woodstock asked. “I certainly do,” Fluttershy nodded. “That’s a Norwegian whaling fleet. I’m sending them new directional coordinates… they’ll find Jimmy Hoffa before they find any Humpbacks.” “Groovy!” Ace smirked. “Jimmy… Hoffa?” Spike asked curiously. “Some labor union leader who served as president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters,” Pinkie answered. “Disappeared back in the seventies and was declared legally dead by 1982. He was believed to have been murdered by the Mafia… but that part remains up for debate.” The rest of the group turned toward Pinkie Pie in confusion, but as usual refused to reward that with any further questions. “It’s a wonderful thing you’re doing,” Fluttershy smiled. “Helping those poor whales and all.” “I certainly try my best.” “Hey, would you mind If I try something Woodstock?” Rainbow requested. “Go ahead,” Woodstock gestured. Rainbow Dash approached another monitor. More computer graphics popped up on the screen, as Rainbow rapidly tapped the keys. “What’re you doing?” Twilight asked suspiciously. “Changing the formula for this ‘Purina’s Puppy Chow’ thing,” Rainbow replied, facing Applejack. “Too much filler, you know what I mean?” “I’m very attracted to ya right now,” Applejack smiled. “Are you?” “Ain’t I?” “Get a room, you two…” Spike shook his head. “Can you still tap into all the aquatic supply stores in the area?” Ace asked. “Of course I can,” Woodstock replied. “Why?” “I want to trace the sale of any equipment for transporting or housing a dolphin with the past few months…” “C’mon, Ace. I thought you might have a challenge for me…” Woodstock started hacking away as large lists started popping up along the screens. “Okay then, try to remember the sixties!” Ace suggested. “Wow! Good one!” Woodstock smirked. “Let’s see… Marine winch sling, feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank…” They all kept looking through the screens, seeking anything that might be a possible clue. All of a sudden, after a few moments, something caught Woodstock’s eye. “That’s it!” Woodstock pointed. “I fund the culprit.” “Who is it?” Fluttershy asked curiously. “… Sea World,” Woodstock answered dramatically. “… Really?” Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “Hang on, hang on…” Woodstock tapped a couple keys. “Well, what do we have here? That’s a lot of equipment for a civilian.” The printer spat out some data and Woodstock ripped off the page, handing it to Ace. “Ronald Camp? The billionaire?” Ace questioned. “Billionaire and rare fish collector,” Woodstock nodded. “RRREHEHEALLY!” Ace smirked. “I’m guessing you’re not a fan of this Mr. Camp?” Rarity pointed out. “You got that right missy,” Woodstock nodded. “That, my friend, is the face of the enemy. Always tryin’ to get his hands on endangered species…” “How terrible!” Fluttershy gasped. Newspaper articles rapidly fill the screen. One showed a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players. “Hold on, this guy’s connected with the Dolphins?” Twilight observed. “Camp donated the land the new stadium’s built on,” Woodstock informed. “And look at this, he’s throwin’ another, ‘I’m the richest man in the universe’ party.” Ace and the rest of the group faced each other as it has become apparent that they just found themselves a new lead on the case. “Well, that’s certainly something worth looking into at the very least,” Twilight told them. “I completely agree Twilight,” Ace nodded. “Looks like we’re partying tonight ladies and gentleman.” “You had me at party!” Pinkie squealed with delight. “Ooh! One of us should remember to buy some chips and dip!” “I hate it to break it to you Ace darling,” Rarity pointed out. “But if you really think about it, this man has a great deal of money and I’m certain he only throws the most riveting parties for the elite. How do you propose we get in?” Ace thought about the question, as a smile spread across his face. “Hmm… looks like it’s time to get myself a date.”