[Part 2, Growing Coffee.]
"So how the hay is coffee even made?"
"Well first, off Coffee is grown on Coffee trees, so make sure your getting that down." UpIsNotJump said as Twilight was already writing notes. "There is actually a coffee tree in Kew gardens but I could never fucking find it. Coffee trees breast- breast-" He chuckled slightly at his error before continuing. "Coffee trees grow best in warm humid environments and they can grow in either the shade, or the sun. When coffee is grown in the sun, usually large areas of forest need to be cleared for these new trees to grow. This means that a variety of animals will lose their habitats." That fact alone caused Fluttershy some sadness. "And the now bare earth will eventually be scorched by the sun, ruining the soil. It's the perfect method, boys! And... Girls."
"That sounds like a terrible method, it destroys so much!" Applejack exclaimed, with Fluttershy nodding in agreement.
"Y-yeah, why would you need all that space?"
"Well, the sun is obviously quite the source of energy, so when you grow coffee under the sun, you get a much higher yield of beans... BEANS. But because these plants grow so quickly the soil isn't able to pass on it's flavor to the beans and they are a lot blander. Due to this high yield and low flavor, sun-grown coffee can be sold a lot more cheaply. However, shade-grown does produce a lower yield, but it's far richer in flavor. And it doesn't... Ahem Completely decimate all it comes into contact with." That part made the ponies feel better. UpIsNotJump considered doing the skit with the kitten blood, but considering his current audience, that would likely traumatize them, so he skipped that part and moved on to the next bit.
"Coffee tree's actually produce cherries rather than beans, and it's the seeds of these cherries that we call coffee beans. Sure, it's a little bit strange, but what can you do. The basic process of going from cherry to seeds is incredibly complex. But it's mainly about removing the layer around the seeds. Methods can vary, but the gist of it is... Ripe cherries are usually hand, or in your case hoof, picked from trees, and if water is scarce then the beans are processed using the dry method." As he said the dry method, he made a... Disturbing sound meant to emphasize it being dry.
"This involves spreading them out and drying them in the sun. They are then manually moved around to prevent them from spoiling. Once dry enough, they are hand moved again to be milled. This removes the cherries outer husk, known as the exocarp, mesocarp, endocarp, magikarp, and gyarados. They are then ready to be exported as green coffee. They call it this as the beans are not yet dark in color, cause well, the beans are green." He then pulled out a water bottle and sprayed water into his mouth, showing it was time for the wet method.
"The wet method is more common and generally produces higher quality coffee beans. The wet method requires water... Someone better be getting this down." Twilight nodded nervously, increasing her speed of writing down her notes out of fear. "It involves first pouring the cherries into a pulper, which removes their skin and pulp. These beans are then fermented in water to remove their mucilage layer. As usual, they are agitated and processed by hand as they ferment. The beans are then sun dried as before. Quite a few other steps are usually needed, but this is generally what happens in the exporting countries. It takes dozens of people months of constant work just to make a sack of beans like this." He said holding up a coffee ban bag. "The beans are ready to be exported to other destinations for sale."
As he finished his long winded explanation on the growing process, he took a deep breath. "Alright, the next step is processing, but right now I am way too fuckin de-hydrated to keep going, so can someone get me a bottle of water or something?"
On cue, Pinkie showed up right next to him, pulling a bottle of water from her mane and handing it to him. "Here ya go!"
"Thanks mate." He then proceeded to drink the entire bottle in only a short few seconds. "Ahhh, moist. Now then, where were we? Oh yes, the making of coffee. Get your notepads again because if you guys thought the last part was complicated you have no idea what you ponies are in for now."