You cannot explain how you are feeling. Your insides from your diaphragm upwards feel ready to explode out of your chest from adrenaline, yet you do not feel any blood being pumped into your lower extremities with your legs standing rigidly still as you stare out onto the slightly raised platform, with three steps leading onto it. You catch a glimpse of the blinding gobo and spotlights situated above. Just the briefest stare creates a colourful blob that makes you blink hard until it eventually fades away, revealing your surroundings once more. The backstage area provides a shielding darkness, contrasting with those bright lights, ready to shine down upon you and reveal you in a dazzling glow as you perform your heart out.
This is it! The night. Something which the past few weeks, has completely taken up your mind. You briefly feel the ache in your arms and legs as you remember the sheer amount of preparation that has gone into making tonight possible. All your hard work in collaboration with the efforts of people who pulled strings to get you here. All the heavy stage equipment moved back and forth, all the vocal warm ups and briefings about choreography, will all culminate in a brief 20 minute set of lights and music, as you prepare for your first ever gig. It has been your dream for as long as you can remember, to experience the thrill of performing in front of a live crowd. No more pretending in your basement, no more just performing to a group of close friends, now you are facing a real audience. There are at least 100 people out there, people who you don't know and don't know you, looking at you, ready to pounce with even the slightest amount of internal criticism, for out there, you are at your most vulnerable.
If this is your dream, then why d'you feel so... anxious? Like your insides have completely vanished, and you feel like all there is left is your flesh and bone, that even the slightest point of contact will make you topple over. You panic as your heart stops for a brief second. Only to beat once more getting faster and faster as small droplets of sweat start to form on your forehead. You then slap yourself, not hard enough to hurt but enough to get you back to reality. "Don't let nerves get the better of you! Not when you have worked so hard to be here and you have longed for this moment for so long" You start to tell yourself as you bury your face into your hands and pace quickly back and forth. You then jump up and down, with breathing that tenses your shoulders and neck, trying to make yourself feel less anxious, at least until the show ends. Maybe once you've gotten out there and done the first song, will the nerves start to ease.
You cannot explain why you look out from behind the curtain. You cannot explain what part of your shy, on edge mindset that you are in makes you think that looking out and seeing the shadowy silhouettes of countless people mumbling amongst themselves with their sightlines directed at the large, brightly lit stage is a good idea for your nerves. In fact, it was a mistake. You draw the small part of the curtain you peaked out of praying no-one saw you, but that was the least of your worries.
Your vision starts to blur! Your hearing then starts to deafen as every little sound feels projected and makes you feel on edge. You start processing every single word that is being said by people backstage and in the audience, as you close your eyes begging for it to stop. Then comes the surging sound of a mic check which is the final blow to your shattered frame, as you collapse to the floor and curl up into a ball, vibrating in shock as your brain tries to catch up with processing this sudden sensory overload. You cannot remember feeling this amount of sheer anxiety for a very long time, you are so unprepared for the wave of tension you feel in every joint and how your brain becomes this fog that expands to every fibre of your being. It feels like hell. One thing is for sure, you cannot even think about going out there in this state, not when even the tiniest thought of anything is enough to make you tense up in fright. Tears start to trickle down your face, but you hardly feel them as you inhale and exhale heavy, hoarse breaths. In this inner commotion, you think you can hear muffled speech from one of your stage managers, whom you guess is calling out for someone as guilt starts to sweep over your subconscious at making such a scene just before your big night is about to get underway.
It is peculiar how your brain processes sound when you are in this state. How some sounds are muffled, yet those that are loud and unpleasant are seemingly amplified to 100. Its enough to give you a headache, if you could feel it as your adrenaline continues to overpower you.
You lie there for what feels like an eternity, until you hear the frantic clopping of somewhat soft hoof steps enter into the room. As a gasp and a soft voice starts to fill the room.
"Oh my poor baby"
A flash of purple, gold and a smidgen of white lowers itself near you, as the figure starts to come into focus. Once you recognise the voice and realise who it is, your blood boiling in your veins starts to return to a reasonable temperature, as your breathing starts to return to a normal steady pace. You still feel tense, as you start to stretch out from your ball, legs and arms aching, drained by the rush you have just felt.
As your focus starts to return, the blur starts to form an outline, a delicate and radiant outline which confirms your suspicions as to who it is. A pony, one special, cute and energetic. Whilst you are grateful to everyone who has helped you through so much to help you become someone much stronger, those that were there for you, past and present. Those that always persuaded you to get up on your own two feet and plough through every obstacle life threw at you, those that have shown love for you, that have been your cheerleaders. But then there is this pony, who by all accounts is your biggest fan.
She kneels down to where she can reach your eye level, a sympathetic, saddened expression donning her delicate face
"I came as soon as I heard" Pipp says with sincere concern "Its been so long since you've had a panic attack, and even longer since you've had one this big"
She seems to hold back the instinct to reach out a hoof to touch you. That is one of the attributes that make her so special at least to you, her ability to understand your needs. Whilst she could get ditzy sometimes, she has this gift which allows her to respect everyone's individuality. Despite the fact she has millions of supporters via social media, she is able to show genuine appreciation for each and every pony, saying the right thing when responding to a comment and doing the right action at the right time. Such understanding, makes her presence all the more calming.
The ringing in your ears lowers in volume as your vision returns to full clarity. But you still have to build up the strength to move from your ball. Pipp notices that you are still shaking out of fear, despite your best attempts to hide it. She has to refrain from "aww"ing out loud.
"You're cute" she said, her eyes glinting as they catch some of the onstage light, a warmth in your chest starts to thaw the ice cold grip your anxiety has over you further
"Though I much prefer it when you are smiling, soooo, can you stop sitting down there making me worry about you? Pretty please"
You are still breathing those heavy, hoarse sounding breaths which exhale and inhale from the mouth, only slightly more controlled as you stretch yourself out ligament by ligament as you start to loosen your tight joints, that make you feel like you are made of blocks of ice. You press your hands against the hard floor for support as you rise slowly to your feet, you wobble as you pick yourself upright.
"Ok now you are just being overdramatic L-O-L" Pipp says earnestly but with a smile. Despite being significantly smaller than you, she certainly has a presence when around you. Whether it be how she does small hops on the spot during conversations which makes you convinced she has ADHD, or her chirpy voice and speech patterns which almost makes it seem like you are having an upbeat text conversation with her.
She trots up to you with a sure expression and reaches her hooves out to meet your shoulders. You she her emerald eyes look into you, as if she is trying to look into your mind and she if she can unpick the puzzle, to make everything not so upsetting.
"Now tell me whats wrong?" she says before gasping "Oh dont tell me... oh... oh its not stage fright is it?" she says in a slightly dramatic tone, you then nod your head slowly as you look at what you assume is disappointment in her eyes. You turn your head away.
"No no no, hey, hey..." she brings your head face front to hers, her eyes once more enrapturing you with their confident, yet delicate beauty "Its just it hurts enough to see anyone go through this. But for you..."
She pauses.
You are almost concerned. She almost never stops talking, and always manages to think of the right word for the right moment and even speaks when others may not feel inclined to. But instead... you can see the cogs turning in her brain a little faster trying to process what she wants to say. You even hear her stutter, a stutter! From her! She ended the sentence speaking about you, as if she cannot find the words to describe you. She opens her mouth once more, only this time she actually manages to form a cohesive sentence.
"There should be a law against you feeling nervous before performing. If anyone has the right to have all the confidence in the world about their own abilities, its you. Your talent and energy are on another level, and you light up the stage whenever you perform. Whenever I watch you, I just feel elated in a way I dont feel when watching anypony else"
Your anxiety leaves you too exhausted to smile, but you dearly hope that you are able to communicate that her being here and saying that truly does help.
"Then again, it doesn't mean you are a worse person or makes me see you any different for feeling this way. Because lets be honest, nothing can stop me from feeling how I feel towards you" she says softly, her expression indicating at least to you that there is some truth behind those words that she is not explicitly saying.
"But... anyway"
Another small stumble
"Anyway, this is something that happens all the time, to everypony. In fact, this whole situation is giving me Deja vu"
You wonder who else she has had to help through a panic attack, another poor soul who has faced a panic attack of similar proportions, calmed down by Pipp by her delightful and charismatic persona. Thats just the type of pony that she is, always the one there for others, never weak enough to be the victim, ironic considering her small stature. But then you start thinking, has there ever been a time where she has felt vulnerable? Has there ever been a time where she was unable to see just how talented she really is and fell into despair? If so could that have to led to a... no, it sounds impossible. Pipp looks you on with a sheepish expression as your eyes begin widening in shock.
"I remember my first gig" she starts, your brain is sent into overdrive as process the image in your brain, of a younger, less confident version of herself "I had the exact same thing happen to me. I was doing vocal warmups, when I heard just how many in attendance there was. I cant even remember the exact number, thats how much I've tried to remove that memory from my brain. But in any case, I just freaked out. It was a fear that was unlike a fear of the dark, or heights or whatever phobia that you have. It was a fear that prevented me from doing what I loved. I knew I loved performing, but the first time performing in front of others was just a big "no no" for little petit me. They actually had to cancel my first show as I just couldn't go out there, I was completely and utterly frozen, curled up on the floor. When I came in to see you like this, I just started having flashbacks to that time, and all I wanted to do was make them go away for you... oh"
You dont know what makes you wrap your arms around her. Maybe its the idea of her feeling the fear you are currently feeling, or just the idea that she was scared in general at one point. She clearly is taken aback by the embrace, before a small "squee" escapes her as she pulls herself away.
"You are so sweet" she says blushing slightly "But as you can tell it happens to the best of us, even me as hard as that is to believe. Not to mention its has happened more than once, but as time has gone on its something pushed to the back of my mind. Like I said, performing is my love, and I started understanding that this was just another obstacle in my way. You wanna know a secret? I am still scared before every show that I do. Its something that I'll never not be, in fact I actually embrace it. Fear is a part of who we are and if we didn't feel it then we would all be a bunch of robots. Especially because I know it is worth it. Being up there, the fear is just gone, you wouldn't even think I felt fear at all before the show. I love what I do, and I can tell that so do you, so all I can say to end this incredible pep talk, is that once you are out there, none of it matters, because when you are in that blissful moment on that stage. You feel on top of the world."
Flashbacks to that first ever time you sung in the shower start to fill your still fragile mind, you thought it sounded awful even in your own head. But part of you didn't care, you loved feeling that adrenaline, that idea of shouting out to the world in a way that doesn't sound like lashing out. Even though you consider yourself to be an introvert, performing seemed to transform you, make you someone more confident, a side of you closed off from the rest of the world the rest of the time. Granted you have only performed to those that cared, but even a small audience like that is enough to make you want more. You think this as you stare into space, everything around you completely zones out, as you are left in the comforts of your own thoughts until you feel soft touch of hooves massaging your shoulders, as shivers are sent down your spine.
"You are too tense" Pipp says with a huge grin on her face, a tint of hot pink appear on her lavender cheeks "Posture is important, if you are stiff when you go out there then you wont be able to use the full extent of your vocal chords"
Your breathing has become much more rhythmic at this point as you relish in the company of your friend. You start to remember what she taught you, soft knees, feet shoulder width apart, high yet relaxed chest. You still feel a sense of rigidness in your body, you could almost feel the cobwebs starting to form in and around your bones as you start moving and loosening your joints. Pipp looks you up and down with an observant expression.
"You need to breathe silly" she giggles, though one might be initially confused by that statement, but if you've known Pipp for as long as you have, you will understand, that she is talking about "proper breathing". You place your hands against your stomach and stand up straight.
"Dont forget this'll help you breathe normally when holding onto a note as well as limiting the amount of breathy sounds that'll pick up on your microphone. Now breathe in and feel your tummy rise as you do" she instructs, breathing in and out by example.
You follow suit, pushing your diaphragm downwards and taking in a large gulp of breath. Though the surrounding air was contained by thick walls and curtains, you still feel so much more at ease as your stomach rises and falls, it was hard to believe that just a few minutes ago, your mind was racing 100 miles a minute and adrenaline fuelled panic filled your veins. A good side effect of the proper breathing is that it also helps with relaxation, the second you realise this, a looseness starts to flow through your body, not enough to put you to sleep, but definitely enough to make you feel more at ease with every sensation running through your body. You could see the dark area much clearer, and the bright lights dont seem so blinding.
"Amazing the difference good breathing can do isn't it?" Pipp says softly, clearly enjoying the exercise herself, with her eyes shut so contently, it was hard not to find her a little adorable during the whole thing.
"Now then, just to make sure that extra special voice, is just a little bit extra extra special. Try some vocal warmups with me. So first the sirens"
Your nerves have almost completely faded by this fault, as you focus on this new undertaking. You trap the air in your throat before whining in the sound of a siren, increasing your pitch to the highest you can most comfortably go, feeling your vocal tract expand as tuneful air escapes.
"Now we are gonna give our jaws a massage" Pipp instructs placing her hooves against her cheeks, flapping them up and down with an expression that involuntarily evokes a laugh from you as you follow her example, treating yourself as you rub against your jaw and move your hands up to your temple. Your hands are in a free for all, rubbing away the excess tiredness from the sleepless, nerve filled night before. Your hands finally find the strength to move away from your blissful head massage and drop them down to your side, as you see Pipp take her hooves down and placing them on the ground, letting out a satisfied sigh.
"O-M-G I needed this" her delightfully chipper voice starts to speak once more "Even though I'm trying to help you, a lot of the time I completely forget how stressful it gets being me sometimes" he titters once more leaving you with a smile full of glee.
"But I think thats enough, and I can tell how much more refreshed and energised you look"
You can only agree. Everything inside of you feels looser and your brain is able to concentrate that much more. The perfect balance between relaxed and energised, a mood that is rare especially for you, but you feel like you are floating on Cloud 9 once you do feel it. Like you can do absolutely anything, as much of a cliché it sounds. But its true, when you are in the right frame of mind the right amount of energy, that sweet spot, its something you cannot explain, though you know once you hear it. Clearly it is infectious, as Pipp looks on at you with that bright smile that always seems to help you get through any tough situation.
"Well done! You did it! I'm so proud of you!" You laugh at her almost robotic sounding enthusiasm, before she checks herself "Seriously I mean it. When these sorts of things do happen they feel like the end of the world. That the walls are caving in on you, that the world is just about to disappear and you'll be left on your own" A small tear is brought to your eye as you think just how true it is
"But you have the strength to acknowledge that, it doesn't last. You have the perseverance to tell yourself "No! I will not let this beat me! I will go out there and give it my all because I have the talent in order to do so!" she chuckles "I cannot say I'm surprised!" She crosses her front hooves and turns her head away as only her eyesight meets your face "I can't hide the fact that I just think you are so amazing. Think of how many panic attacks you have now compared to back then, think of how few and far between they are now when about a few years ago, you were having one almost every day"
You remember those long nights of consoling, those days of not having the strength to feel anything other than self resentment. Those days where you had zero self respect, and unfortunately they resulted in a deterioration of your mental health. You cannot explain what happened to those brain waves of constant anxiety, they just disappeared, just like that! You just feel so much more in control of what you feel and when than when you were.
"But now look at you! This confident, caring, charismatic individual... ooh #aliteration... but yeah like I was saying... you are simply amaze balls! This journey you have been on, is one not many individuals can claim to have been on. No-one can take away the progress you have made, only you know what you have been through. How you had to work through everything to get somewhere in life, the friends you had to fight in order to make. I didn't give this to you, and nor did your family and friends, this is all you. You hear me? Wonderful, stupendous... give me a Y-O-U, what does it spell? You" she utters in a playful tone as she boops your nose on the final "you".
Your breathing quickens once more, only the feeling is different, it is accompanied with a thumping inside your chest that you presume is your heart beat. Those words and the way she said them are too flattering to comprehend, its encouragement like that that has kept you going for so long. If you just listened to your own voice your whole life, well... you don't know where you would've ended up, certainly not here, just about to go on stage.
You notice that you feel different about the prospect of going on stage now than when you were originally. You feel the raging torrent of adrenaline pump through your bloodstream once more, only more controlled, and also soothing, a sensation that makes you feel more alive than ever. You hear the crowd suddenly find their voices as the mumbling turns to restless excitement for the show to start. Your stomach starts to physically hurt from excitement, and you feel like leaping off the black floor and soaring into the sky, but the closest you can get is the small consistent hops on the spot as you spring from you toes.
But amongst all the adrenaline, you also feel safe. Not just in the presence of Pipp, but also in your general environment. It almost feels like you have just come home, and you feel comfortable to just be yourself. Because the stage is your home. You cannot breathe without even thinking about performing, it is an acquired taste to be sure, but for you, it is the divinest of meals. It also brings out the side of you very few have access to, a more confident, less introverted side, to the point where you feel like a completely different person. All those times you've been picked on because you cannot stand up for yourself, the times when you didnt know how to speak in front of others, it doesnt matter when you are up there performing. Just being so close to the stage makes you feel like you are ready to explode.
"Easy tiger" Pipp says, clearly sensing your burst of excitement "Save it for them"
As if on cue, a the loud eruption of restless applause echoes outside the curtain. You let it all sink in.
"Remember" Pipp spoke once more, turning you towards her "They are here for you. No-one else, just you. Hundreds of people, all cheering and screaming your name, I mean that is so unreal right?" You nod your head, still in a daze of wonder and adrenaline "That number will keep getting bigger you know? Hundreds will turn to Thousands, who knows, with the talent that you have, I wouldn't be surprised if your fanbase reaches well into the millions. Its all there in front of you, but only if you want it. Only if you have it in you to go out and perform your heart out and show each and every one of them who you are. This is your announcement to the world. Let them see the real you, the bright shining star that I see in you"
You are being called. This is your moment. The world asked for you, needing a superhero to light up the stage and fill in that vacancy for so many. A call, which you never thought you would have the confidence to answer. Yet here you are. Taking your first step onto the stairs leading to the stage just in front of you. But then you are pulled back by the shoulder gently, by the purple hoof reaching out.
"Before you do go on, there is one last little thing you need" Pipp says with a small smile, and you are left in confusion as to what it is.
That is until, you feel a soft pair of lips brush your right cheek.
"A good luck kiss" Pipp says assuredly though clearly looking slightly embarrassed at the somewhat instinctual action, even more so as your lips curl upwards almost goofily. "Anyways, break a leg! You'll kill it!"
The kiss ignites a flame you didn't know was yet to lit. A gaping hole you didn't know that needed to be filled. But you dont have too much time to reflect upon it. Now, it is time to go on stage. You once more place your foot on the short but wide steps, and spring your foot up onto the next, as you eagerly press your feet against the stage, jogging slowly but energetically as you start to spread yourself around.
The sensation feels like you have just jumped out of an airplane, and you are freefalling into the deep blue sky with nothing to catch you, just hoping for the best. A frightening experience for anyone it has to be said, but not for you. Not when it is just you and the stage. You dont even hear the deafening cries of acclamation, you dont even see the spotlights and gobos dangling above you and staring you in the face and from above. Nothing matters, not when you are in the moment, not when you have so much at stake, the determination to give your fans a good show, one very special fan in particular.