"Wow, this world sucks!" Rainbow declared.
Rainbow's unbiased opinion about this entire world (which she was totally qualified to give) was met with a few winces. To Rainbow, that was just confirmation that she was right. Which also made it okay to say out loud.
Ten mares per stallion. Sheesh, that sounded like the start of a bad joke or something. No wonder the weather team looked different, all the stallions had been missing from it! How did that even work? Were stallions treated like royalty, rare things to be treasured? She tried to envision what that would look like, even ordinary stallions going around being fawned over like the Wonderbolts.
"...Eloquent as always, darling..." Rarity muttered, before looking at her. "But yes, it's not ideal. You have to be quick if you want to nab a stallion, or else they'll be stolen away."
"Stolen away...?" Rainbow frowned. She was about to ask what Rarity meant by that, when suddenly a very different vision formed in her head.
One of big stallions being ambushed and tied up and then dragged off by desperate mares. She hadn't seen a single stallion today, and Twilight had said it had been a while since she'd seen one. Was it because they were all tied up in the basement of whatever mare got to them first? Her eyes widened. No way...right? That was crazy, that wouldn't happen! But then she remembered this was a weird and backward world. One where spas and make-up weren't sappy. A world where stallions were the smaller gender, around her current size.
From there, it was pretty much impossible not to imagine herself being tied up and dragged off to who knows where. Her pupils shrunk to pinpricks.
"Rainbow? Are you okay?" Fluttershy asked, having drawn closer when Rainbow wasn't paying attention.
Rainbow Dash flinched back, taking to the air and startling the group. "Woah, hold on!!" She exclaimed, eyes carefully scanning for the slightest move to grab her. She gulped. “You girls aren’t planning on tying me up and locking me in some basement, right!?”
“Why would we-” Twilight’s throat suddenly seemed to close as realization crossed her face. “-What!? No!” She coughed out.
"Rainbow! What kinda low-down varmints do you take us for?" Applejack asked, seeming offended.
"Uh..." Suddenly, Rainbow felt a little silly. "Desperate ones who foalnap stallions...?" Even as she said that, she realized she'd jumped to some conclusions.
"Rainbow! What on earth could have possessed you to think that?" Rarity asked, offense clear in her voice. "That we would act like such...brutes?"
Oh, now she was acting innocent? "I dunno, Rarity! Maybe that stuff about stallions being 'snatched up' and 'stolen away'! What am I supposed to think when you're talking like some kind of cavepony?" Rainbow Dash shot back as she landed on the ground again.
"Cavepony!? Well, excuse me, for using expressive language!" Rarity huffed. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
"We should probably avoid being, uh, expressive. We can't expect Rainbow to know when we're being literal or not," Twilight said diplomatically. Rarity sniffed haughtily, but said nothing more.
Rainbow took a breath, reminding herself that despite some…strange differences, her friends were still the same ponies. Which was comforting. Still, there was so much she couldn't be sure about. Ten mares to a stallion. There was so much to unpack there, she hardly knew where to begin. Like where the hay all the stallions where. She hadn't seen any while flying to Twilight's library, and...
Wait a minute. She looked around the library (a rare occurrence for Rainbow), but she didn't find what she was looking for. In fact, she found the library was dirtier than usual. "Uh, Twilight, do you have an assistant?"
"No? Why do you ask?" Twilight asked, tilting her head.
Oh. Well then. Spike wasn't even a girl, he was just gone?
"Nevermind," Rainbow said quickly, shaking her head. "So then...ten mares per stallion? How does that even work? Do you just have like, one happy couple, and then nine lonely mares?"
She dreaded the answer. It must be really nice to be a stallion here, now that she thought about it. She could imagine even losers like her old flight school bullies would be beating mares back with a stick. Well, that is, unless they were also-
No! Stop! Brain, don't imagine her bullies as pretty mares! Do not- Ugh!
Seeming to miss Rainbow retching, Twilight considered the question for a moment. "Couple...? Oh, is that common in your world!? That's fascinating!"
Rarity smiled. "Oh, it's so delightfully strange to hear about this! A stallion for every mare!" Her eyes seemed to sparkle at the thought.
"Huh?" Rainbow blinked, not following.
"In this world, a couple is like...a selfish fantasy. Well, unless it's two mares together. A romance book featuring just one mare with a stallion would be...sleazy." Twilight explained eagerly. "A herd with at least three mares is needed before a story can feel realistic."
Oh. Ohhhh. So they took part in herding. Having more than two ponies in a relationship. She honestly hadn’t even thought of that, because the concept did not sit well with Rainbow. "Wait, so you're telling me guys can just go around dating as many ponies as they want?" She asked, disgusted.
"Not quite, dear." Rarity shook her head. "The way it works is that a group of mares, usually friends, will try to woo a stallion together. The stallion isn't supposed to pick and choose, they accept or reject the entire group."
Rainbow Dash blinked, trying to imagine it. That was…well, at least better than a free-for-all. "Huh. Just like that?" She asked. It still wasn’t something she’d actually want to be part of, but at least everypony would be okay with everypony else. Maybe this world wasn't as crazy as-
"Well, no." Twilight hastily added. "There's a complex set of unwritten rules, like more mares joining with everypony's approval, social pressure to accept more mares in if the herd is too small, superstition over the luck of a seven-pony herd, political and financial pressure on the stallion by the herdmares to accept new mares of their choosing, differences in expectations and status based on the order joined-"
"Nevermind, I was right, this world sucks." Rainbow rolled her eyes. Seriously, what was with all that nonsense?
"Rainbow!" Applejack admonished. "Look, don't listen to Twi. Most herds ain't like that, the mares are just good friends. Twilight, what the hay have you been reading?"
"Oh, uh..." Twilight blushed. "Maybe the books exaggerate to be a bit more exciting..."
Typical Twilight, speaking like she knew something without ever having tried it for real. Wait, actually...? "So have any of you girls tried...that? Teaming up and flirting with stallions?"
There were some looks around the group, before Twilight cleared her throat. Rarity and Applejack sent her alarmed looks. "Well, me, Rarity, and Applejack tried together, not long ago."
There was a short pause, and then Rainbow Dash burst out laughing.
"You know, I haven't even told you what happened," Twilight deadpanned, clearly unamused, as Rainbow's laughs only grew louder.
"I can already guess!" Rainbow chortled, looking between the three and imagining it. "Seriously, you Applejack, and Rarity? Trying to flirt as a team? Are you really going to tell me that didn't end in disaster?"
"I shouldn't have even said anything," Twilight grumbled, which only confirmed Rainbow's thoughts.
"I do recall that we agreed not to speak of it again," Rarity said, leveling Twilight with a cold glance.
"Well, I think it was very brave to try," Fluttershy asserted, giving an encouraging nod. "Um...even if it sounds like it...possibly...maybe...didn't go so well?"
"That's puttin' it lightly. Ah was hoping to forget that it ever happened," Applejack groaned, flopping to the ground and hiding her face in her hat.
"Aw, it's okay!" Pinkie comforted, jabbing at the downed Applejack with her hoof. "It made for a funny episode, and everypony there swore the details to secrecy."
"Thankfully." Twilight sighed, shaking her head. "I'm just glad Celestia will never find out exactly-...wait." Twilight gave Pinkie a look of horror. Rarity and Applejack did likewise. "You weren't there, Pinkie! How do you know? The details were supposed to stay secret! Who blabbed!?" Twilight squeaked.
"Silly Twilight, I was there!" Pinkie giggled, before looking up with a hoof to her chin. "Buuuut I guess I was in disguise. I was working on a prank for the side plot and needed to be sneaky."
"Somehow, I'm not surprised," Rarity said, resigned. “Still, your disguise must have been quite impressive to fool us. I had no idea you were among the witnesses…”
Rainbow Dash was still chortling on the ground. Seriously, their attempts at flirting went so bad they'd vowed the details to secrecy? She looked up to see the trio still giving her less than enthused glares. "Aw, come on! Everypony has embarrassing stories, right?" She grinned.
Twilight sighed. "I suppose that's true. It was my first try...and what happened wasn't really anypony's fault." She bit her lips, still looking a little conflicted. "...and it was a good lesson, too."
"Yeah, and look at the bright side. Least Rainbow weren't there." Applejack pointed out. Rarity seemed to recoil at the idea, which almost brought a grin to Applejack's face as she got back to her hooves. "Then we'd never hear the end of it."
Twilight smiled. "You're right, I suppose there is a bright side to every-"
"Wait, wasn't Rainbow helping you with that prank, Pinkie!?" Rarity asked fearfully, startling the mood. "Was she there in disguise too!?"
"Ummmmmm-," Pinkie put a hoof to her chin like she was trying to remember. Rainbow could swear she heard a drum roll and...wait, no, somepony really was playing it outside. Everypony held their breath, and then finally, Pinkie's eyes widened. "Oh yeah! She was! The pony you were flirting with? That was Rainbow in disguise."
For a moment there was silence, as three ponies shared a horrified look. Their smiles and optimism: gone. So in a great show of empathy, Rainbow Dash burst out laughing again.
"Oh, cornsarnit!" Applejack stamped the ground with a hoof, squeezing her eyes shut. "I should have known the moment I saw the eyelashes!"
"Twilight, darling, must we really fix this parallel universe nonsense?" Rarity asked, hiding her face in her hooves. "I don't think I can bear to face our usual Rainbow Dash ever again," she mumbled, as Fluttershy moved to comfort her.
"Pinkie, why didn't you tell us!? You were there!" Twilight whined. "You could have stopped us before..." She trailed off, cringing as the memories played through her head.
"Well, I didn't know that you didn't know! And you didn't know that I didn't know that you didn't know-" Pinkie rambled.
Twilight facehoofed. "I should know better by now then to even ask."
"Plus, Rainbow looked like she was enjoying it, so I thought maybe she knew that you knew that she knew that-"
Rainbow rolled again as she laughed, holding her aching stomach. She couldn't think of any three ponies in their group of friends that would make for a worse...flirting team? The concept was still weird to her, but it was good to know her friends were still the same. The same disasters, that was. Speaking of which, she rolled into Applejack's hoof, and looked up to see the farmpony glaring down at her.
"You enjoying yourself, you little jackal?" Applejack glared.
"Don't worry AJ!" Rainbow mock-comforted. "Everypony makes mistakes! You just gotta pick yourself up and try again. So if you three want another shot..." She gave them her biggest grin. "I'm right here."
Once again, three glares...wait no, two glares and a blush from Applejack. Before she could pounce on the opportunity to get another rib in, though, Twilight spoke up, flustered and a little angry. "Okay! We've answered Rainbow's question. I think we're done with this topic! Let's see, what's next?"
"Seeing if we can't grab ourselves a few stallions from that other world?" Rarity asked, sarcastically.
Rainbow Dash snorted. Seriously, why was this version of Rarity such a cavepony-
"Hm...you know, maybe we should." Twilight said, throwing a look at Rainbow. "Isn't it a bit unfair that your world gets all the stallions?"
Wait, what?
"We're going to foalnap stallions from this Rainbow's world!?" Pinkie gasped, eyes widening. Rainbow was right there with her, about to ask the same thing.
"No, that won't be necessary." Twilight denied.
"Aw..." Pinkie sounded out, disappointed.
"Huh? Did you want to foalnap-" Twilight stopped herself. "You know what? I just learned not to ask." She shook her head. "Anyway, I was thinking more along the lines of opening diplomatic relationships between our worlds, then telling stallions over there they could have a herd of mares if they came over to us. If my theory is right, we could lure most, if not all of them over to our side willingly."
Wait, what?
"Ooh, that's simply devious!" Rarity cooed. "I love it! Let's do it!"
"We could really do that?" Pinkie asked, her eager energy returning.
"It's certainly possible." Twilight nodded. "Do you think that would work, Rainbow?" She asked with an innocent head tilt.
Rainbow Dash's mouth dried. She knew plenty of stallions would jump on the chance to be with more than one mare. Heck, she'd be tempted, too. But this whole thing was...she didn't even know where to start. This was a bad idea, she could just tell! "What? No, you can't!"
"You don't think it's a good idea?" Twilight tilted her head again.
"Of course not! Why do-Why do you need to take stallions from our world?" Rainbow asked, trying not to squeak. "I thought you guys were fine with herding!"
"Having more choices would be nice, though. I kind of like the idea of a smaller herd, too." Twilight mused, putting a hoof to her chin. "How about we make this fair though, and vote on it? Everypony in agreement with the stallion redistribution plan, raise your hoof!" Twilight called out, before raising hers.
Was the decision to start a massive interdimensional socioeconomic semi-sexual ethical political cultural initiative really going to come down to six non-elected non-royal ponies voting by hoof? Yes. Yes it was.
Wait, no! Rainbow's eyes widened as she realized this was going to be the most biased vote ever, especially as Twilight's hoof was quickly joined by Rarity's and Pinkie's.
"What!? That's totally unfair, and...wait, aren't we tied?" Rainbow realized, looking to see Fluttershy and Applejack hadn't raised their hooves like she'd expected. She hadn't noticed it before, but they'd both been looking rather conflicted the whole time.
"Hm…Applejack?" Twilight asked, a little surprised. "You’re voting no?"
"Ahm just thinkin', ain't this a might sudden? This idea's too big to decide on so quick." Applejack shook her head, looking a little confused and disturbed by the sudden turn of the conversation.
"Yes! Exactly!" Rainbow nodded eagerly. Thank you Applejack, I'll never prank you again! Of course, that promise wouldn't extend to her own Applejack back home.
"But...Applejack, don't you see this is our chance?" Rarity pleaded. "You're always saying how your farm work makes it difficult to meet anypony new...don't you want a stallion, too?"
“Nah, I realized they don’t even have eyelashes.” Applejack blinked. “Wait, ah mean…nevermind.”
"I...okay." Rarity gave her a confused glance, before turning to Fluttershy. "How about you, darling?"
"Well, I don't want to be with a stallion taller than me." Fluttershy asserted with crossed hooves.
Was the decision to start a massive interdimensional socioeconomic semi-sexual ethical political cultural initiative really going to come down to Fluttershy's preference for shorter romantic partners? Yes. Yes it was.
Rainbow Dash clamped her mouth shut, biting back a comment that this other-world version of Fluttershy was so tall and slender that she probably wouldn’t have much trouble finding a stallion shorter than her. But as long as Rainbow stayed silent, this vote was as good as won-
“Wait, Fluttershy, you’re forgetting something!” Rarity pleaded. “The mares in Rainbow’s world would be shorter!”
Rarity's outburst was greeted by a moment of silence. But before Rainbow Dash could ask what difference shorter mares even made, Fluttershy's face lit up red, and her hoof shot up into the air.
Oh, come on! Rainbow Dash gave Fluttershy her best 'are you kidding me' look, but the shy mare seemed too lost in her thoughts as she blushed and stared at the floor.
"Well, that's four to two, we win." Twilight nodded, before smiling. "I love democracy."
"Isn't it, like, treason, for you to say that?" Rainbow grumbled, before shaking her head and regrouping her thoughts. "Wait, hold on, we're not done yet! How do you know our world has shorter mares?" She jabbed a hoof at Rarity.
"You said we're all the same height in your world, right?" Twilight pointed out. "Aren't you the average height of a mare, where you're from?"
"W-Well, yeah, but..." Rainbow fumbled, realizing that was a good point. "I- Um- W-What if I got shorter...somehow?" Somehow, the most important argument in Rainbow Dash's life hinged on this observation.
"Why would you be any short-...oh, perhaps if it's a mind swap...okay, you have a point." Twilight conceded, surprisingly. "Hm, but if you're really shorter than usual, your proportions should have changed, so if we just compare..."
"Wait, you can't!" Pinkie pleaded.
"Huh?" Twilight looked at Pinkie, surprised. "Why not? It's a perfectly logical-"
"No! Are you kidding me!?" Pinkie shook her head so fast that it looked like she wasn't moving because of the frame rate. "If we acknowledge the proportion difference, then somepony should have noticed something sooner! It'll be a major plothole! Think, Twilight, think!"
"Oh, actually, my legs are kind of shorter than usual..." Rainbow frowned, looking herself over. Her barrel was shorter, too, and her neck. "Weird, I didn't even notice..."
"...Orrrrr the author can just throw Rainbow under the bus." Pinkie rolled her eyes. "That works too."
"Uh, gals?" Applejack spoke up. "This is uh...well, fascinating and all...but shouldn't this be the princess's decision?"
There was a short pause, and Rainbow Dash mentally facehoofed for not thinking of that sooner. Surely Celestia would see what a bad idea this was, and Twilight would do whatever the princess said. That was a lot smarter than arguing about...pony height, for some reason? How did they even get here?
“Of course. You can all lower your hooves, by the way. I was just messing with Rainbow for laughing at us.” Twilight nodded.
"That was a joke!?" Rainbow and Rarity both squawked, before blinking and glaring at each other.
"Well, yeah. Did you really think something this big would come down to just us voting on it?" Twilight giggled. “Although, maybe I let it get a bit out of hoof…”
Rainbow looked at Twilight for any hint that she was joking about joking, before she let out a sigh of relief. “Sheesh Twilight, you really had me worried for a moment there.” Twilight’s idea of a joke could be…well, anyway.
"But...but Twilight!" Rarity begged, proving Rainbow hadn't been the only one to fall for it. "We can't miss this chance! More stallions! And bigger stallions! That's more stallion per stallion!"
"At best, we can get our Celestias...Celesti? Celestiax?" Twilight mused thoughtfully, before shaking her head. "-At best they can talk about it. But there's a lot of other stuff we should probably worry about first. Like maybe how this all happened anyway."
Just then, Rainbow Dash's stomach growled loudly. Oh yeah, she hadn't had a chance to eat today.
"-Or maybe we should stop for lunch." Twilight nodded.
They ate in the library. Sandwiches from a local place, because nopony knew how to cook. No, not even Applejack.
"You don't make apple pies and stuff!?" Rainbow looked at Applejack, shocked. "That's like, your thing!"
"It is?" Applejack looked at her, surprised. "round' here, cooking's a stallion's job."
Somehow, Rainbow Dash wasn't even surprised. Every difference seemed to come down to the weird fixation on certain genders only being supposed to do certain things. "Wait, does Pinkie not work at Sugarcube Corner, then? Since it's a stallion's job?" She turned to see Pinkie Pie was gone. When did she leave?
Suddenly the library door burst open, and in walked Pinkie Pie with a tray full of colorful cupcakes. "I made dessert! And Rainbow, don't be silly! Cooking is a stallion's job...up until it's done professionally! Then suddenly it's heavily biased to be a mare's job!"
"Wow, this world is dumb," Rainbow declared, frowning. Who came up with that rule?
"Well, maybe a little, when you put it that way..." Twilight admitted, before accepting a cupcake from Pinkie. "Anyway, speaking of worlds, before I can get to figuring out how to fix all of this, I think we should try to figure out how it happened in the first place. So while we were eating, I put together a list of possible causes. First off, has anypony here come across any ancient, magical artifacts?"
"Ooh! Me!" Pinkie raised her hoof eagerly. "I found a potion that turns you into a pegasus yesterday!"
"That was just an energy drink, Pinkie." Twilight dismissed. "Anypony else?" She looked around. "No?"
"Wait, hold on." Rainbow frowned as something occurred to her. "Didn't you say a certain somepony turned into an alicorn last week? Because of an artifact they stole?"
"Of course! The Alicorn Amulet!" Rarity exclaimed, eyes wide. Several ponies blinked, as if just remembering their version of Rainbow Dash had tried to take over the world last week. Sheesh, how did you forget something like that?
"I thought we broke that...horrible thing." Fluttershy mumbled doubtfully. "It made her so mean..."
"We did, so there's no way the amulet is responsible for any of today's events." Twilight shook her head. "Princess Celestia and I made absolutely sure to purge its evil influence from our Rainbow Dash's mind after it was destroyed."
"So then...did she stop being an alicorn?" Rainbow asked, just to be sure.
"Well, of course!" Twilight said like it was obvious. "Once we got the amulet off, there was a flash of light, and then her horn was gone." Twilight nodded to herself.
"An' there's no way she might could've hidden her horn, somehow? Just pretended to lose it?" Applejack asked thoughtfully.
Twilight blinked, then seemed to consider something, before a look of horror dawned on her face.
"Did Twilight just get outsmarted by Dashie?" Pinkie asked, leaning over towards the librarian.
Twilight yanked a book over with her magic, quickly opened to a page halfway through. "The horn-hiding spell! Oh, why didn't I think of checking for that!? She tricked me, that little-!"
"Sounds like it." Rainbow nodded at Pinkie. "I'm starting to think this other-Rainbow pony is a better prankster then me. Anypony who can fool Twilight twice like this is worth speaking to."
In another world, a similar scene was playing out. All the Elements of Harmony, sitting at the library, discussing Rainbow's apparent interdimensional travel. The difference was this Rainbow Dash was an alicorn.
"Wait, so let me get this right." Alicorn Dash held a hoof to her head, looking confused. "You're saying if two mares like the same stallion, or two stallions like a mare, herding is seen as an unacceptable solution even if they’re friends? They just have to fight it out until one of them dies or is left heartbroken?"
Twilight bit at her lip, recalling hundreds of stories invoking the dreaded love triangle, and literally zero real-life experience. "Well, it also could end up with everypony dead, or just the shared love interest dying, or-"
"Wow, this world sucks!" Rainbow declared.