//------------------------------// // Starter relay // Story: Of ponies, CEOs and endless ammunition // by The_0b5erver //------------------------------// Opening his eyes, Anon felt the morning sun warming a patch on his bed. Hm, weird. That only ever happened if he stayed in bed past 7:30, as that was the exact time the sun peeked into his window. He very rarely got to experience that, seeing as his shift started at 7 sharp. Wait… He shot up in bed, instantly awake. His shift! Oh no. No, no, no, no, no! At the very least he was late by 30 minutes, which was an absolute disaster. There’s no way he’ll be seeing his week’s pay now, and that means cancelling his library membership to make ends meet for the month ahead… As his mind raced through calculations of what expenses he will have to cut, two words got picked out and shoved to the forefront of his attention: Day off. Exhaling heavily, he fell back onto the bed. Jesus, for a second there he thought he was completely screwed. If not for a human from the future appearing in Equestria, this would have turned out really, really badly. Now, seeing as he wouldn’t be losing his finances, he needed to come up with a plan for today. Firstly, he’ll make breakfast - nothing fancy, simple fried eggs would do nicely. The library opened at 10, so he would have a couple hours to kill. Maybe wondering to the Cloud Stadium and back would be the perfe- Wait… He shot up once again. A human from the future! He scrambled to look and feel around his bed. With the shit that guy pulled yesterday, Anon would not be surprised if he sneaked from the couch and into his bed during the night for whatever reason. Following a proper examination, it was determined that his bed only contained one human, which was Anonymous himself. Phew alright, breathe in, breathe out.  Glancing around the room didn’t reveal anything out of the ordinary, so narrowing his eyes Anon scanned every object in the room very carefully, looking for signs of tampering or containing a deranged, gunslinging CEO. Okay let's see now… Bookcase - looks the exact same. All books are in their correct places, and it doesn’t look like it’s been moved. Clothes chest - closed shut with no signs of clothing being taken out of it by someone with the intention to hide inside. The work table - doesn't look like it saw much action either, although… Yeah hold on, that’s not where that cup was! Oh, what have you done Johnny? Is that an improvised explosive charge waiting for me, or is it a camera to spy on me while I sleep? Maybe you even went as far as… Wait no, I moved it when I took a sip of water before leaving for the castle yesterday. Hmm… Alright suspicious table, you get a pass, but know that I’ll be keeping my eye on you. Hesitantly swinging his legs off the bed, Anon stood up. It was quiet. No sound of talking, no gunshots, no... anything really. Perhaps he just imagined it all? Yeah, yeah, definitely. A CEO from the future that fought Luna and then got defeated when she sat on his balls? Fucking hell, he needed to remember what he had for dinner yesterday and never order it again. Maybe also talk to Luna herself to ask for this kind of thing to not ever repeat. Although... If he did imagine it all, then right now he does not have a day off, which means… Nope, a CEO from the future it is! Walking out of his room and into the narrow corridor, Anon made his way to the ‘living room’, which in actuality was a cellar containing a bunch of boxes, full of old workshop tools and parts as well as a single sofa. If there really was another human, this is where he would be sleeping, yet the room was empty. Poking the sofa cushions just in case his unwelcome guest turned invisible overnight, Anon confirmed that the room really was devoid of any Johnnies. Turning around with a shrug, he made his way to the room on the opposite side of the corridor. Entering the kitchen, he could breathe out with relief, as the pile of still wet cooking utensils on the side of the sink confirmed that there had been another human in here, which in turn meant that he did in fact have a day off. Moving his gaze to the table, Anon spotted a plate neatly stacked with what looked like hash browns. Well, a gift from a power-hungry sociopath or not, one simply does not decline proper food. Approaching the table, he could see that one seat had cutlery neatly arranged around a note in the middle. Picking it up, he scanned through it. Morning, ‘Non! I’m going out for a while, wanna take a look at the city and grab a couple things. Enjoy the food I managed to cobble together from whatever you had in your cupboards, I can personally guarantee that it is 62.3% safe for consumption, with no long term health repercussions! ...I think. Love, Johnny P.S. This message will self-destruct 20 seconds after you’ve picked it up, be sure to leave the blast radius when it does. P.P.S. It actually won’t ‘cause it’s just a normal piece of paper. You don’t have to admit it, but I totally got you with this one. “Piece of shit” Anon mumbled under his breath, reading the P.P.S. after he threw the paper into the corridor as hard as he could and consequently spent 3 minutes crawling on the floor to find it. Well, at least he could enjoy some breakfast. He’ll never admit it, but those hash browns have been the best food he had since his stay at the castle. Maybe it’s for the best, because if he did, Johnny would in turn admit to slightly soaking them in a chemical that manually encouraged the production of dopamine by the brain. But hey, no harm no foul. The serenity of the morning ended once Johnny made his return, busting the door open with a practised kick. Having lost his jacket, arm mounted rocket boosters and the freaky multi-arm backpack somewhere, he now sported a more casual look with the sleeves on his white shirt rolled up to the elbows, and a tactical harness strapped across his chest. Now, one gun was apparently not enough for a morning walk through a land of pastel coloured horses. Neither was two. Or three, for that matter. In total, there were four firearms on his frame: A revolver with which Anon got all too familiar the previous night was holstered on his hip. In that incident, he didn’t get a chance to get a good look at it, so only now was the sheer size of the thing becoming apparent. What the hell did he plan to shoot at? Zeppelins? Another two pistol grips were poking out of the underarm holsters, while the tactical harness mentioned before held a shotgun strapped to his back. It most likely was the weapon responsible for Johnny’s fiasko in battling the princess of the night, but Anon knew better than to ask directly. What completed the entire ensemble was a massive sledgehammer on the other side of his back. Once this fact hit home, Anon abandoned all attempts at trying to find logic in this set up.  In any case, he had all but 30 seconds to comprehend all this, as he was dragged out of his kitchen, down the stairs and towards the castle once again. With the sheer amount of weaponry Johnny was bringing with him, it was pretty obvious that he was going to attempt something dumb, like duelling the princesses or trying to take on the entirety of the royal guard at once, however Anon was quickly learning that whatever he imagined as the worst case scenario, wouldn't compare with the what his companion actually had in store. Once they were at the gates, Johnny casually strolled right through with a friendly wave and a comment about the sun being nice today, and he didn’t stop there, oh no. They must have walked through half the entire castle, passing through multiple negotiation rooms and offices which most definitely required a high clearance level, however it wasn't until they reached the throne room door that a guard questioned their right to enter. In response, Johnny without fail rattled off an ‘order from the princess of the night herself’ which stated that he was to take over morning court due to both princesses being preoccupied. One back and forth with the guard later, which of course included threats of getting him fired, has led to where they were now. And still, that wasn’t the craziest part about it. Having done all that, Johnny didn’t sit at the throne and roleplay as a tyrant, neither did he dismiss the concerns of the ponies that stepped through the door. He just… did morning court like a normal person would. It most definitely wasn't the same as Celestia's morning court as he got straight to the point with every issue, but what he lacked in pleasant interactions he made up for in speed. The visitors flew by, taking only 3 minutes to process each. As weird as this situation was, it undoubtedly has been going well. Until now. The pony currently standing on the red carpet has been rambling away for the past 10 minutes, though his entire speech could be summarised in one sentence - 'the building safety regulations are too strict', which was obviously getting on Johnny's nerves. He didn't show it from the front, still smiling and politely answering the questions the pony occasionally asked him, but the hands he held behind his back were slowly but surely curling up into fists. "Have you got any experience in construction business?" Another question from the stuck up construction magnate, breaking up the constant stream of words. "I do, yes" Came the reponse accompanied by a fake smile "Well, it's quite obvious that you don't, as any self respecting..." The pony restarts his monotone word dump, oblivious to the fact that his listener has turned around and was walking away. Having reached his destination, Johnny hoisted up the sledgehammer that has been resting against the golden side of the throne ever since he made the decision to stay here for the entire morning. Spotting what the creature was holding as it approached him again, the business pony started to falter with his words. "Wh- Excuse me sir, but I do not understand how a demolition appliance can help us in resolving this-" He is cut off as Johnny shushed at him "Shhhh shh shh... Mr Dalepouch, what you have said in court today is extremely serious, and I promise to work my hardest to pass your concerns on to the safety regulators..." At this point he has circled the pony from behind and stood in line with his front hooves, letting the sledgehammer drop between them. "But you see, something else has me worried. You most likely don't know this, but us humans have a premonition ability. It's faint, but we can make out the near future of the creatures around us" Kneeling down, he brings his eyes on level with the pony "I feel a dark energy gathering around you, however I need to administer a test of sorts, to figure out what it is exactly that the future holds. It's a simple question so don't think about it too hard" He makes a dramatic pause before continuing "Above or below? Let your soul choose the answer" The silver pony somehow becomes whiter as his hooves tremble, yet he still gives an answer "A- a- above" Johnny immediately exhales sharply and covers his eyes "Ooooh... Mr. Dalepouch, I see an accident taking place in your life soon, maybe even today. Say, do you perhaps have any plans for the evening?" "W- Well am due to attend a party this a- afternoon... But what is the problem? What more can you see?" The terrified stallion stammers. "Hm, yes... This accident will happen at the party..." Comes a reply from a very focused looking human, who rubs his temples in a gesture that screams 'I am reading the future through immense fucking concentration right now' "I cannot say what it is for sure, but it is very serious, maybe even deadly" "W- What!? Deadly!?" The pony's hind legs give way and he smacks onto his rump "No, this can't be happening! Mr. Human, there must be a way to avoid it, right? Please tell me there is a way!" Johnny hides his face behind his hands, but from his perspective Anon can see a smile growing on his face "Fate is a cruel and complicated thing that will take what is due no matter the circumstances. There is no way to avoid it completely, but there is an ancient method..." Celestia was not having a good day. In her time she saw protests, ancient horrors trying to take over her land, natural disasters of such scale that many ponies could not even begin to imagine the aftermath... But being woken up in the middle of the night? Yeah, that was a real national tragedy. Still, if her perils ended there this day would have been largely tolerable, but alas, that was far from the end. Yesterday's events promised a lot, and she did mean a lot of paperwork. Firstly, her sister's entire room would have to be re-furnished, which meant putting in custom orders for alicorn-sized appliances. Coincidentally, said orders could only be accepted by the Canterlot Oaks - a woodworking shop which she has been relentlessly pressuring over the past few months over their questionable business practice of cancelling their employee's pay should they accumulate more than 30 minutes of lateness in a week. There was no way Mortise, the owner of the place, was going to accept those orders without her rolling back all the progress she made, and she wouldn't just be able to pick up where she left off after completing the transaction, as by that point his lawyers would have picked through the case and came up with counter arguments to every point raised. Then there was the issue of the guard. Oh, she can hear Shining Armour talking already: reciting the perimeters around the castle, the pegasi patrol schedules, the fact that their defences are impenetrable by all means... That last point annoyed her greatly. She's done it before with countless other captains - an argument the outcome of which was certain every time: “Your majesty, I can swear on my position as the captain of the guard, the castle perimeter is secured absolutely flawlessly” “Is that so, captain? Perhaps you would care to explain yesterday’s infiltration then, hm?” “I- uh… Please give me a moment to discuss with the shift commander” Some time later, the captain would return with a heap of reports from every guard on duty and the next few agonising hours would be spent leaning over a scheme of the castle: Drawing out the infiltrator's path and patrol movements, comparing different reports, collecting pictures of what view each vantage point gave; only to discover a 7 second window in which a particular gate wasn't being watched, or a guard that turned to look at a mare passing by to be the point which caused the entire complex scheme to fall apart. And then there is the human... Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly as she rounded a corner and continued towards the throne room. Seeing as it wasn't the first recorded case of his kind appearing in Equestria, she didn't have to do all that much work with the media, but the way he held himself told her that this was not their last interaction by far. Plus, she had to admit: If his promise of being able to change the course of history was true, she most certainly would have a big decision on her hooves. Yet Celestia needed more than just pretty words to convince her. A detailed report on what it is exactly he'll set out to achieve, complete with graphs, predictions and... Oh, that's just more paperwork! Now that she looked around, practically everything threatened her with that dreaded activity: The servant mare cleaning the floor was probably drafting up a letter asking for a raise, The guards positioned along the corridor were waiting for the end of their shift just so they could run off and request an upgrade for the training equipment, A pony in the post office uniform brought letters from far away, all of which probably required her attention. The crack in a white marble pillar, a loud conversation coming from a side room, some noble wandering from room to room, a pony being carried past her on a stretcher - all this and so much more just reeked of long parchments stacked on her work desk. Ah, if only she could strike down any pony that brought her a form to sign, and have them be carried away just like that... But no. It was an absolutely abhorrent act, one that woudn't be carried out even by the most vicious and heartless ponies in power. No changeling, not even a minotaur would do something like that, as a creature would have to be violent, totally apathetic and absolutely sure in a lack of repercussions for itself to hurt another just to not deal with a couple sheets of paper. This description didn't fit Celestia. Though it did seem to fit a certain... She halted suddenly, her golden horseshoes clanking against the marble floor. Looking back, she just caught a glimpse of the medic ponies disappearing behind a corner with their patient. There was only one place in the direction they came from - The throne room. Turning back, Celestia quickened her walking pace. She would run, but being a princess, it wasn't something she could do: In peaceful times it would leave the ponies laughing, while in a time of crisis it would send them into a panic. Turning into the last corridor stretch before her destination, she felt her heart sink. Our of the two options listed above, it would have definitely been the second one. Bodies covered the floor, some trying to crawl further away from the door, while others just laid still and wheezed quietly. Surprisingly, behind the pained grimaces she didn't see fear or anger... Was it relief? A certain face jumped out from the crowd - The stallion was sitting against a wall between two nobles. She couldn't see his cutie mark, neither was he wearing his armour, but she knew exactly who he was. Royal Gleam was one of the most controversial guards in the entire history of her rule over Equestria. As his name suggested, he was very in touch with the high society in Canterlot. In fact, his connections in certain places were so potent that Celestia wondered why he would even choose to stay in the guard. The explanation she landed on was that his position made him a novelty and gave him an air of authority, which made him more valuable to the nobles who already knew him, while those who didn't would be more likely to strike up a conversation. The reason Celestia picked him out from the dozens of other ponies on the floor was the simple truth that despite being on loan to a noble family as a bodyguard 90% of the time, he was still a member of the Royal Guard. And yet, he was here. Just like the rest of the ponies. There were no alarms, no specialised medic team coming to pick him up. Something was really, really wrong. Breathing in, Celestia did her best to calm herself. Right now, she was either going to get an explanation or there will be a historic occurence of public executions being re-instated for a day. With that thought ringing in her mind, she carefully made her way forward and pushed the heavy door open. "Of course ma'am, we fully understand the concern. The guard patrol routes will be altered to cover that alley, expect the change in the next three days" "Oh thank you Duke Johnillimbious the third! Please pass my thanks onto Lord Vader as well" Replies a mare, bouncing out of the room. Slowly circling around the side of the massive throne, Celestia finally got a view of the new human. He changed his clothes at some point, and now had some sort of a hammer hanging from a harness on his back. After the echo of the door closing shut faded, he dropped out of his stance and went for a stretch, the sound of cracking joints filling the room momentarily. "What kind of name is Lord Vader? Friggin' stupid..." He mused to himself, straightening out. As if on cue, a narrow opening appeared in the door, and another human head poked inside "Hey Johnny, we've got... another one..." Anon's eyes went wide as he spotted Celestia standing only a few paces behind the intended reciepient of the message. Judging by his reaction, her arrival has not been counted on. Glancing back into the corridor and obviously not finding any reassurance there, he cleared his throat and dropped his voice down to a whisper "Horse behind you Johnny" Visually stiffening up, Johnny went to turn his head but didn't dare to actually face Celestia "What, the big one?" "Yes, the big one" Drawing a sharp inhale, he crouched down slightly before gesturing agressively in sync with the whisper-shouted words "Go. Get. The. Gun." "What?!" Anon threw both his hands up before pointing in her direction "I am not shooting the princess, full stop" "Jus- Fuckin- We are not going to shoot the princess, okay?" "Oh really?" Having now made his way into the room fully, Anon stood with his hands on his hips "Then why do we need the gun?" "Be-cause! We are going to attempt peaceful negotiations, but in the very unlikely event of them failing, I... we need a back up plan" Still, Anon stood his ground "Nope, not a chance" "Kusottare! Once this is over you can bet I'm turning your ass into tortellini... Whatever that means. I honestly have no idea, saw that word in one of your books but didn't get to the actual chapter on it" "You went through my books?!" Anon begins, but is instantly cut off "Shhh... sh- sh- sh- shhhhh... ut the fuck up Anon. Your incompetence in following simple orders has put us both into an unpleasant situation, and I need you to be quiet before you do any more damage" Satisfied that Anonymous wasn't going to attempt speaking, he continued "Now then, watch and learn how a real man solves diplomatic proble-" Not giving him a chance to finish, Celestia used her magic to yank him over to her. "John Doe!" The royal canterlot voice did not convey the full extent of her rage, but even then it was more than enough for anypony to realise that this was beyond serious "You are going to give us an explanation now" Having caught his balance, Johnny threw his hands out in front of him. "Woah, woah, woah! Pendejo, let's tap the breaks here! I am afraid this is all a massive misunderstanding" "How so?" Celestia felt her eyes narrow "Due to both you and Luna being out of commision for the morning, I chose to pick up the slack and cover morning court. Not trying to take over the kingdom, really. No tricks, pure altruism" Alright Celestia, just keep calm. If you let your hooves do the talking, you'll be no better than him. You've stopped wars through deplomacy before, and this is just the same... except it happened right under your nose. Speaking of, remember to have Shining find and replace every single guard who allowed this. Now, back to the issue at hand. Glancing over at the back door, Johnny's expression changed to a forced smile as he tapped himself on the forhead with a palm. "Ahhhhh... Ok, I see the issue here. Uh, so this one... Whew, funny story actually!" He takes a pause to scratch the back of his head before continuing "Right so, there I was, taking morning court. Everything's going well, I'm already thinking of how pleased you're gonna be, not having to deal with this after being woken up and all, when out of nowhere this asshole shows up and grinds the entire thing to a stop with his complaints about... Well, I can't really remember what it was" Celestia could easily point out the fact that he shouldn't have been doing morning court in the first place, but she decided to keep quiet until she heard the full story. "So, I try to sort it out - have a little back and forth. Gonna spare you the details here but one thing led to another, I convinced him that I can see the future and that the only way for him to avoid certain death is getting smacked with a sledgehammer by me, tossed him out to the corridor and moved on with my day" Well... That escalated quickly. As much as she wanted to hear the spared details, the story didn't yet explain how it went from a single occurence to half the high society of Canterlot ending up on the floor, so she decided to keep her questioning on hold a little longer. "Well what do you know, apparently somewhere in my persuasion story I said something I shouldn't have said; what was it again?" "The party" Anon offers "Huh?" "You said that the accident was going to happen at a party" "Oh, that's right. Now, that genius decided to send a message out to the rest of the peop- Sorry, ponies due to attend that party and since then we've had nobles coming in and volounteering to be smacked. Don't get me wrong, originally I wasn't so sure about doing it, but Anon convinced me that they defintiely deserve it" "I did not!" Pointing at Johnny, Anonymous looked determined to defend his case. "Celestia, you know I wouldn't do it. He practically forced me into this, I am the victim here!" This comment came much to Johnny's disapproval, causing it to be rebuked instantly. "Oh ho-ho, so I am the bad guy now? Listen, on a purely theoretical level, I would have no grudges against them, which mea-" "SILENCE!" Celestia needed to stop the conversation from getting sidetracked, so in an effort to bring everyone back on course and sort out her own thoughts she decided to clarify. "You are telling me that ponies would come through that door and ask to be hurt, knowing exactly what they are signing up for?" Breaking from their anger-fuelled staring competition, both humans face her. "Affirmative" "Yep" Closing her eyes, Celestia filled her lungs preparing to dish out words that she has not spoken for a good two thousand years now, but before she could begin the front door burst wide open. The newly arrived pony, having used her body as a battering ram, got thrown off balance and after sliding a considerable distance on the slippery marble floor, came to a stop a couple paces from them. Before anyone could as much as share a glance, she crawled forward and wrapped her hooves around Johnny's leg, completely ignoring the soveirgn ruler of this land standing right next to her. "Oh mister human! You must help me escape this terrible fate!" Giving Celestia a shrug, Johnny shook the mare off and took a step to the side, drawing his accident prevental tool. "Alright lady, above or below?" Before Celestia had a chance to intervene, the unfortunate noble blurted out her reply: "Below!" With a whoosh, the sledgehammer flew down in a low arc, sending the mare sliding further into the room to different responses from everyone present; Johnny fist bumps the air and goes for a short victory stroll, Anon drops his head and groans while Celestia changes colour a couple of times, not quite sure on what emotion to settle on. "Cheater!" Anon proclaims, making his way towards the now still pony on the ground. "Hey, even if I am you can't deny that getting results so consistently is impressive. And let's be honest, even if I lost, I wouldn't be doing clean up. It's just not my style" "Not my style my ass..." Comes the response from Anon, now preoccupied with dragging the body towards the back door. "Oh I will, just wait until evening sweet-cheeks" Celestia meanwhile is still frozen in place. A part of her does not want to believe what she is seeing. Not only are her subjects being hurt in the one place supposed to provide a solution for their problems, but those responsible have turned it into a game. This fact fills her with a feeling she is unfamiliar with, it's as if she is burning from the inside out, her subconscious urging her to scorch the planet in pursuit of achieving justice. As strong as that feeling is, it's unable to overcome the sickly sweet sensation of heaviness spreading through her entire body. "I- I will tell them the truth" She took a couple shaky steps after Anon, but was stopped when the metal handle of the sledgehammer appeared in front of her chest. "Woah-hey-hey, hold it there for just a moment. You can go out and tell them the truth, I'm not gonna stop you, but think for a second what the public would think. They'll partially blame you, regardless of what you decide to do afterwards. I would have stopped earlier if I could, but... Well, you're smart enough, figure out the rest" With that, the barrier lifted away, however she remained in place. He was right. If word got out that she let something like this happen in her castle, no amount of PR work would cover it up. He had her in a perfect gambit - Either let them go without any charges or punish them and suffer the consequences for hundreds of years into the future. Lose - Lose. "Alright, this looks really bad, I admit. How-e-ver, the rest of day court actually went really well. Actually, you know what? It's always better to show than tell, right? Come on" Still in a stupor, Celestia has no brainpower to spare on resisting the arm wrapping around her neck, allowing herself to be led to the throne as Johnny shouts orders to the guards outside. "NEXT ONE FORWARD, PRONTO!" The door opens and surprisingly, a pony in uniform trots in. Taking position in front of them, he takes a bow. "Ok, I'll talk you through my thought process in maximising efficiency here. First of all, we need to find out what exactly the problem is, as literally 60% of the inquiries today were solved with a yes, no or a fuck off. So then..." Turning to the guard, he clicks his heels together "Report, soldier!" Raising his hoof in a salute, he does as told. "Sir! There is a riot in the prison block and multiple inmates managed to escape. They are moving towards the east wing of the castle and it is entirely possible that our defences may be overwhelmed, allowing some to escape to the city" Humming in approval, Johnny starts a slow gait towards the room entrance. "Great, now that we know what the problem is, we can start working on finding a solu-" Suddenly freezing half way through a step, his smile disappeared as he snapped his head towards the guard. "There's a what?"