//------------------------------//
// Chapter Ten 
// Story: Lasting Memories 
// by Boopy Doopy 
//------------------------------//

Charley and Thunderlane spent the rest of the afternoon practicing flying, the latter making the former go through the motions of kicking off the ground and lifting into the air. It took the entire afternoon, but by the time the evening came and the sun was setting, they felt like he had it down. At least, down enough that he could fly on his own, not that he could for very long. The two of them had to stop several times to rest as they flew back up to Cloudsdale from Ponyville.
“Well, I can’t say I’m the greatest,” Charley started, a little smile on his face as his hooves settled onto the clouds near Thunderlane’s home, “but you did teach me how to fly. Thank you.”
“I told you I would,” the stallion replied proudly. “And no trouble at all. That’s what I’m here for. I can’t believe you couldn’t fly before. What’s up with that?”
“That’s a long story,” he said, sighing, “and another one I don’t want to talk about.”
“You know, you don’t need to bottle things up. You can talk to me about whatever you want. I won’t care… unless you tell me you’re a mass murderer or something. Then I will care, and that’s not something you should tell me.”
“Damn, I guess I can’t talk to you then,” Charley tried to joke a little bit, getting a chuckle from the stallion. “For real though, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s an entire novel of a story, and one I’m sure you’re not interested in.”
“I am. I’ll listen. That’s why I asked,” Thunderlane said gently, setting a wing on Charley’s shoulder. It was a move that made Charley give a tiny sigh as the pegasus continued, “It’s not good to keep it all internalized. I’m here to listen if you wanna talk. That’s what friends are for.”
“Friends are also for listening when I say I don’t want to talk about it,” Charley said grumpily. “So stop asking.”
“Okay,” Thunderlane sighed. “But if you ever do wanna talk, know that you can always come to me. I’m willing to talk whatever’s bothering you through with you, or if you just wanna vent, that’s okay, too.” There was a slight pause before he asked, “What did you want to do tomorrow? I mean, obviously we’re gonna practice more flying, but I don’t think that’ll take all day like it did today.”
“I don’t really care what we do,” Charley told him. “I just… don’t care.” He had to stop himself from saying that he just wanted to spend time with Thunderlane. He shouldn’t have been thinking that, especially considering the circumstances.
Why not? It’s not like it matters. You’re gonna be gone in about three days anyway. Why not enjoy your time here if he likes you and you like him?
Because there was no way Thunderlane actually liked him, and if he did, there had to be something messed up in Charley’s head that he could possibly like Thunderlane as much as he did. Not once had he ever felt for someone the way he did about Thunderlane. He couldn’t lie, he always wanted to one day have someone strong and masculine to be his husband, as much as he hated admitting it. He didn’t want a horse to fulfill that role, however, and his face went flush thinking about it. He almost wanted to ask how he ended up in this situation. 
Because you suck bad at making friends, and can't seem to get along with anyone. How he even still stands to be around you is a mystery.
Did Thunderlane really already see him as a mare? That seemed impossible, and yet Thunderlane was relieved when he said he was. He found himself wishing it was so, as shameful of a thought that it was. It made his heart beat harder to think it was the case.
“Can we just go inside? I wanna go to bed already,” Charley said grumpily, looking down at his hooves. He was on the edge of saying the whole day was just a wash, but it wasn’t. He liked flying around with Thunderlane and being taught how to by him. He also liked the fact that Thunderlane asked him if they could go out, his face becoming even more red thinking about it. He knew he was falling more in love, and almost liked the idea that he was. He was being roped in.
Was this what Death wanted? For Charley to fall in love and then be just dragged away once he was done in Equestria? That was completely unfair of him if that was his plan. He wouldn’t have been surprised if it was though. It was the way everything else in his life went up to this point. 
The two of them went inside, Charley making his way to his room and bidding Thunderlane goodnight. He didn’t fall asleep though. He lay on the bed, his eyes wide open as he stared at the wall. He hated being in the position he was in greatly. Why couldn’t have he just made one friend on Earth when he had the chance? He could’ve been himself by now. Maybe it would’ve been better if Death didn’t even give him a chance.
It could’ve been minutes or hours, but eventually, Thunderlane was coming into the room and standing directly in front of Charley, those beautiful, golden eyes looking down at him.
“I know you said you don’t want to talk about it, but you looked angry and I don’t want you to go to sleep with everything all bottled up, so let’s talk it out.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he scowled, growling out his words. “I told you back at the restaurant that I don’t want to talk about it, and you said you wouldn’t ask.”
“I just mean about anything,” Thunderlane told him. “What are your parents and siblings like?”
“I don’t have any brothers or sisters, and my parents are both jackasses,” he said. “They never cared about me a single day in their lives.”
“What do you mean? What happened?”
“It’s not just one thing. It’s a whole novel of shit, and one I really don’t want to go into.”
“If you’re gonna be gone in a few days, then you should tell me and get it off your chest,” the stallion said. “I’m here to listen.”
“Ugh, and this is part of it! You’re making this just that much harder on me when I do have to leave!” he said with frustration. “You already know I like you, and this isn’t helping!”
He put his head in his hooves and clenched his jaw. Even now that dumb horse was winning his heart over and he hated it greatly. Why couldn’t he have just found someone else to try and make friends with instead of Thunderlane?
He could feel himself getting worked up, and a second later, a few tears were working their way out and down his cheeks. Thunderlane saw and wrapped a comforting wing around Charley, one he didn’t deny, but made him start to full on cry. He quietly leaned into him and let the stallion rub his shoulders, something he simultaneously hated and loved. Still more, he was playing into Thunderlane’s hooves and falling for him even more deeply.
“It’s just everything,” he said tearfully. “It’s not being a woman and not graduating high school and falling into a loveless relationship with my ex wife and my parents being way too young when they had me… it’s everything.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I think you’re a mare,” the stallion tried to say.
“It doesn’t because just saying that doesn’t make it stop hurting to not be one. If I were a woman, then I wouldn’t hate myself.” He sniffled as he continued, “Besides, that’s not the only thing. Don’t make it out like that’s my only issue.”
“Well I’m sure being yourself would help you feel a lot better, but what about your parents? What’s your issue with them?”
“The issue is they didn’t fucking want me. They were like sixteen when I was born, and resented me for cursing their life with my existence, as though it wasn’t their own fucking fault. They despised me, and showed it through their neglect and indifference.”
“I’m sorry,” Thunderlane said as he ran his wings across his back. It made Charley let out a breath as he continued, “It sounds very difficult.”
“Yeah, it is, and you being around me isn’t helping in the slightest,” he responded angrily, still letting out a few tears. “You’re gonna have me in such a fucking horrible position because you just… you just…”
“Just what?”
“Just keep making me fall in love with you! I hate this! You’re gonna put me in a position to choose between you and myself and I don’t want to have to do that! But you just keep rubbing my wings and teaching me how to fly and be kind to me and calling me a mare, and it’s making this impossible! It’s hurting me, so just stop it!”
Charley was screaming by the time he finished, sending a look Thunderlane’s way that made him take a step back. He was still crying, and Thunderlane looked incredibly sad for him.
“I’m sorry. I’ll go now. I’m sorry for making you feel awful.” He looked like he might be about to cry himself as he turned around and carefully stepped out of the room.
Charley tried to push all thoughts out of his mind as he flopped on his side and closed his eyes to cry. He hated this all. Why was Thunderlane so nice and handsome and amazing and kind? He hated so much that the stallion was all of those things.
Somehow, he fell asleep, finding himself waking up again before he knew it, the sun shining in his eyes through the window. It helped a little bit to rest, but he still felt absolutely angry by everything. He shivered and forced himself not to start crying again, laying in bed as the daylight came.
He expected Thunderlane to come into the room to wake him up at any moment, but thankfully, he didn’t. Charley was alone to lay in bed all day and be sad and feel sorry for himself and his circumstances, no one to bother him.
He didn’t do that though, only able to last until about noon until he had to get up, getting fed up with laying around. He strolled out into the living room to see no sign of Thunderlane, only Rumble sitting at the table eating a couple of sandwiches. He looked up at the stallion for a moment before going back to eating.
“You know, you made my brother upset,” the colt said flatly, not looking his way at all. “Thunderlane’s usually all happy and confident, but today he woke up and didn’t even smile once. He just left the house without saying anything.”
“Yeah, well, I told him not to keep bugging me with shit I don’t wanna talk about,” Charley said flatly, taking a seat in front of Rumble, but staring down at his hooves. There was more he wanted to say, but he forced himself not to. He felt bad about making Thunderlane upset.
It’s just another thing I screw up. Why am I surprised? I can’t manage a relationship with even one person. Not even with someone he really liked, who admitted to liking him back.
“Besides, it’s not like there’s anything else I need to do. I made a friend out of him. It’s not like I need him anymore.”
“Humph. Whatever. I’m gone.” The colt ruffled his wings and stomped out of the room and out of the house, slamming the door behind him. Apparently, Charley couldn’t manage a relationship with a twelve year old either.
What the fuck is wrong with me? he asked himself as he put his forehead on the table, letting out a deep sigh. Why can’t I just act like a normal human being? Or a normal pony?
He wished he knew, but didn’t. All he knew was that he’d failed every single time. With his parents, with his wife, with his son, and now with Thunderlane and his brother. Hell, he even failed with himself. It was going to happen no matter what.
He didn’t know how long his head was on the table, but eventually the colt came back in, seeming surprised that he was still there.
“I thought you would’ve stolen all of our stuff and left by now since you’re apparently just using Thunderlane,” he told him.
“I am using him, but not like that,” Charley muttered. “You don’t get it.”
“I’m not a little kid! I can get what you’re trying to do if you tell me! I’m almost thirteen!”
Charley kept his head on the table, trying to keep himself calm. “It’s not my fault I don’t want to tell him shit when he’s going out of his way to make me fall in love with him after I explicitly told him not to do that. It hurts.”
He couldn’t believe he was actually talking to this kid about it. How low was he going to vent?
“I shouldn’t be falling in love with the very first man I see like this,” he continued, his voice cracking a bit as he blinked away tears. He couldn’t help but imagine Thunderlane as he did. That stupid, rugged, handsome horse who looked amazing in his Wonderbolts uniform and gave Charley that stupid smile he loved all the time and went out of his way to be kind to him even with how selfish and Jerkish he always acted. He hated how quickly he’d fallen for him, and wished he’d just never met him and was still sleeping on park benches at night.
“Ha, well Thunderlane gets all the mares like that,” Rumble laughed. “And stallions, too, I guess. Everypony falls in love with him. I’ve never seen him go out of his way for somepony like he does you though.”
“Yeah, and that’s the problem. He shouldn’t be going out of his way for me and asking me if I want to talk. It’s like a form of emotional manipulation.”
“You’re the one emotionally manipulating him. You’re running around and laughing and hanging onto him and trying to kiss him, and then being mad and upset when he does the same thing to you and making him feel bad. It’s not right.”
“He makes me feel bad when he– God!” It was Charley’s turn to stomp out of the house now, heading to where, he didn’t know. He didn’t care. He just wanted to be anywhere but there, as far away from there as possible.
He walked for a long while before he flopped onto the clouds, quietly curling up. What was he doing? He should’ve given up already. It was only a matter of time before Thunderlane snapped out of whatever trance he was in and said he hated him, too. He was probably going to get back to the house and be relieved he was gone and tell him not to come back. 
It’s not like I’d deserve him even if he wanted me. All I do is act like a jackass and then wonder why people hate me. I deserve it when it comes to me.
He stared up at the sky, wasting the rest of his day away, watching as the sun eventually set and the stars came out. What kind of day was that? It was a day he basically tossed into the trash when he should’ve been trying to apologize for how terrible he was. And now he had only two days left. He was screwing it all up after making so much progress and was never going to be able to be himself. He was never going to be able to feel nice about himself the way he did for just a few minutes in front of Death.
The stars were nice though. They comforted him. He wondered if they were the same stars as the ones back on Earth, except in a different position because of the change in view. It would be amazing if they were, and he tried to scan to see if he could pick something out. He came up empty though, but it didn’t take away from the niceness of viewing them. Maybe he could name them and come up with his own constellations.
Come up with my own even though I won’t be here long enough to do anything with that I decide. It’s not like it even matters.
He watched the sky for a long while before the pony he expected to eventually see showed up. He hovered above him, winged stretched out as he looked down with a sad expression. It was an expression Charley had to turn away from before he started to cry again, and he put on an angry look so as not to appear upset. It didn’t deter the stallion, who laid down next to him on the side he was turned to. He didn’t smile at him though, instead taking a long moment to stare deep into Charley’s eyes, practically reading his soul as he did.
He tried to keep his face neutral as he stared at the stallion, but his heart practically beat out of his chest. He was absolutely trying to work his way into his head, using whatever magic he had over him to make him want to move in and melt into his hooves. He didn’t look away though, keeping his gaze firmly fixed on the stallion. He wasn’t going to be the first one to turn away. How could he with how gorgeous those eyes were?
After what felt like hours, Thunderlane finally sent that trademark golden smile his way.
“God, there has to be some sort of secret hypnosis trick you use when you do that,” Charley said as he automatically blushed and smiled. “How in the world are you able to just assault me like this whenever you want? Even when I'm trying to stay angry, it never fails.”
“Don’t know,” Thunderlane shrugged. “It’s just a thing that mares like, and it seems you’re not the exception.” Charley pointed his eyes away in shame as he said it, and Thunderlane let out a breath, frowning again.
“I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me flirting with you and you don’t like being called a mare, and I keep doing it. I need to get into my head that it’s not okay. I really am trying to stop.”
It was Charley’s turn to let out a breath and he quietly said, “I do like being called a mare. More than a little bit.”
Thunderlane didn’t say anything, simply looking at Charley as he turned his head back around, waiting for him to continue. 
“But I don’t want to be called one because I’m not one,” he continued. “It just hurts and reminds me that I’m not one whenever I hear it.”
“Huh. Well it’s weird that you say you’re not one when you are. We’ve established that I’m not gay, and neither are you, so either you’re a mare or I am.”
“Ugh. You know what I mean.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear that and I keep doing it. But I’ll stop. I promise. Just yell at me whenever I’m bothering you and remind me you don’t like it.”
“Good. Thank you. But that’s not all of it. Part of it is still, like, you flirting with me and stuff, and I know I like it, but it’s not good.”
“Well, why is it not good? I've been thinking about it a lot, and can't think of a reason why not." Charley tilted his head in a confused expression as the stallion continued, "We can flirt and stuff and still go our separate ways whenever you have to get to wherever you’re going to. I’m not going to make you choose me over anything. I can absolutely promise you that."
"Ugh, it's not that simple. Even if you don't make me, I know that I will, and I can't do that because... things I don't want to get into."
He couldn't keep living life as a male, even if it meant being with Thunderlane. If he chose Thunderlane, he was going to just stay bitter like he always was and Thunderlane would leave him and when he died, he'd be in the exact same spot as before. He did not want it to come to that.
"You know I like you, and I know I'm being flip floppy and probably confusing you when I get angry because of this, but it's a big fucking deal and I don't wanna mess it up doing something I know I'm not supposed to do. I know that staying here is the wrong choice, and you're gonna work your way into my head and make me choose it anyway."
"I promise you, I absolutely will not do that," Thunderlane assured him. "And if you look like you’re going to choose me versus whatever else, I’ll make sure you don’t.”
“Yeah well… if you say so,” Charley muttered quietly, hating that he liked the idea of that and not wanting to admit so. He turned around to see that smile Thunderlane always gave to him being sent his way again, and blushed as he covered his face with his hooves.
“God fucking damnit, that smile. I’m never gonna get over that. I hate it so much.”
“Sure you do, sweetie,” the stallion chuckled. “Anyway, I assume you want to stop talking about this based on that adorably shy look on your face. Wanna fly around and practice more? You have to every day to keep up what you’ve learned.”
“Sure, that sounds fine.”
The two of them stood up with that, Thunderlane watching Charley carefully lift into the air. He made sure he was steady before he joined him, flapping his own wings next to him. Charley watched as he did, noting the difference between the way each of them did. It really was different, the idea of which made him smile in embarrassment a little bit. He wasn’t a mare, but maybe he really did act like one, at least in the way he flew. It wasn’t like he could help it either way.
“The weather always seems to be perfect for stargazing,” Charley said as the two flew, his head pointed up at the sky. “I wish we had some telescopes to set up or something so I can get a good look at everything. I’d want to see if there are any planets or moons or asteroids or anything. Map everything out, you know.”
“You sound exactly like the kind of pony Princess Luna wants on her astronomy team. If you can, you should definitely talk to her. I’m pretty sure just listening to you she’d take you on as an apprentice or something.”
“Yeah, maybe someday,” Charley lied. “I’d like to know how many millions or billions of miles away each planet is, and their sizes and orbital periods and everything. It’d be so cool to read if someone had a list of all that stuff. Like how many light years each star is away from here, too.”
“I’m sure there’s something like that at the library if you want to go. It’d be pretty cute watching you nerd out about all that stuff.”
“I’m not nerding out, and I'm certainly not cute. I just think it’s interesting.”
“Okay, nerd. Wanna find a spot to lay down and stargaze again like last time?”
“That sounds fine, but if it involves flying, I’m staring to get pretty tired. I need to rest for a minute before we go anywhere.”
“I can carry you if you want,” the stallion said, already moving behind him to wrap his hooves around Charley. He rested him on his back in his hooves as he continued, “Tired ponies need strong stallions to carry them places, right?”
“I know you were just itching to call me a mare there,” he replied, smirking a little against his will as he stared up at him. Just the fact that Thunderlane was seeing him as a mare even though he wasn't one was making him happy. He couldn't help but happily imagine that he was a cute mare being carried around in the air by her strong boyfriend. Maybe he was right then, at least on the inside.
Maybe in a couple of days I can at least be a lady on the outside too...
“Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. I didn’t say it though, did I?” Thunderlane teased.
“I guess not. But go ahead and take us to whatever spot you think is good.”
Thunderlane carried Charley up to the spot they went to a few days before, settling his hooves on a cloud a bit above Cloudsdale, one in a good position to both view the sky and the city. He didn’t let him go though, keeping him on his back as he held him, letting his head rest on his chest fluff. It was a comfortable spot, and one Charley was content to stay in.
They looked up at the stars, Charley going over types and distances and whatever else came to mind for a while as Thunderlane silently smiled and listened to him. Eventually, he became quiet too as he lay in Thunderlane’s hooves, his gaze shifting between the sky and the stallion. Every time he caught him looking, Thunderlane sent that special smile down Charley’s way, one that made him start to settle into his grasp more. It was bad, and he knew it.
It’s only two more days. He said he’s not going to pressure you to stay. Only two more days, then you’re gone. It’s not like it would be that hard of a choice anyway, choosing between him and being yourself. You can just enjoy the next couple of days with him peacefully like you have been.
He was so flip floppy, he knew that, but could he be blamed? He’d never been in this situation in his whole life. He had no idea how to go about all of this.
The two stared at each other for a long moment, and Charley’s heart slowly started to beat harder. He was getting the inclination to lean up and try to kiss him again, but forced himself not to. He wasn’t going to do that. He had self control.
That didn’t mean he would stop Thunderlane if he tried to.
He felt like the moment was coming, and was ready for it, but as though fate were watching, a small crackle of thunder and storm clouds in the distance forced the moment to end. It looked like their clear night was going to end soon.
“I forgot that rain was scheduled for tonight,” Thunderlane said, rubbing a hoof behind his head. “I guess that means our stargazing is done. Ready to head back now?”
“Sure, let’s go,” Charley said, hopping out of the stallion’s hooves. It was probably for the best anyway that he didn’t let himself keep getting caught up in this.