“Oooo you made good macaroni, Fluttershy!” Archard proclaimed as he ate. “This is perfect! Way better than Kraft macaroni!”
“Hehe, I tried my best,” the pegasus giggled. “I hope this makes you feel a little bit better.”
“It makes me feel a lot better… but I still don’t want to be here.” He reached out a hand to pet her some more, and she instinctively stuck her head under it, letting his fingers dig into her mane.
“Although you are super duper adorable, and your cute face makes me almost enjoy the time I have to spend,” he said. Then he stopped, continuing, “But if we could talk to Twilight and Lyra and Discord and whoever else about getting me back home, that would be the very best.”
“I certainly will,” she assured him, “and I’m sure they’ll all try their very best to help you. And if they don’t, I’ll make sure they will.” She gave a wide, kind smile as he took another bite of macaroni.
“I’m sure you will,” Archard agreed, “because you’re just the nicest pony in all of Equestria, of course! I do wonder what episode it is though… hmmm.”
“What episode it is? What do you mean?”
“Well, I was telling you last night you were in a TV show, remember? I wonder what episode of Season Four this is. Have you turned into a bat yet?”
“A… a bat? Um, no?”
“So then it’s super duper early in Season Four. Got it. Have you gotten the seeds from the Everfree Forest that Discord planted then?”
“Hey!” The draconequus suddenly appeared out of nowhere, pointing a claw the human’s way. He had a grumpy looking expression, and caught Archard by surprise with it.
“Don’t go sowing seeds of mistrust about the seeds I planted in the Everfree Forest, Mr. ‘I’m-Too-Good-To-Be-Friends-With-Discord’! I’m warning you!” He crossed his arms and stared angrily at the human, who blinked at him in response.
“Okay, then I actually meant the seeds that were definitely not planted anywhere ever,” he said. “Also, can you send me back to Earth? Staying here is not in my MO, I won’t lie. Even as amazing as Fluttershy is.”
“Fluttershy is my pony, and no, I will not be sending you back to wherever you came from until you learn some manners! Why, back in my day, we respected our elders, and yet you just stroll around here all high strung like you’re better than everypony else!”
“Um, that’s literally what you do all the time every single episode of the show,” he said back. “And I promise to be super duper friends and worship you as my new god if you bring me back to Earth. How does that sound?”
“Nope. I already gave you an invitation to be my friend, and you declined it, even after that positively wicked party I threw, as the cool foals would say.”
“That’s just about as far from what I said as you could possibly get. Also, I'm pretty sure the cool foals don't say anything like that.”
“Now,” Discord continued, “you’ll have to earn my friendship, because a creature of my stature shan't be disrespected as I have been by you.”
Archard blinked again, and then turned to Fluttershy, saying, “Can you make him send me back? Pleeeaaassse?” He folded his hands together and gave her wide puppy dog eyes as he said it.
“No! Don’t cheat! Fluttershy, I will not be sending him back, so don’t even ask! In fact, I should get out of here before you even say something.” Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak, but the lord of chaos had already snapped his fingers and disappeared to somewhere else before any words came out.
“You’ll talk to him right?” the human asked. “Because, like, I’m trying to be happy, but this is actually pissing me off really, really badly. I do not want to be here.”
“I’ll talk to him, okay?” Fluttershy assured him. “But, um, are you from the future? Cause you were asking about things, and I wonder if you were expecting them to happen. I mean, if you’re comfortable telling.”
“For all intents and purposes, yes,” Archard told her. “Or maybe I’m just psychic and can see the future. I don’t really know how that works when you’re in a TV show. But it sounds like you didn’t find the–”
“Don’t say it!” The draconequus appeared out of nowhere to say only that, before hurriedly leaving again.
“The, um, the absolutely nothing because nothing ever happened ever, of course,” Archard finished, blinking in confusion. “I’ll take it as a ‘no’ though, which means we’re in the in between period of Season Three and Four.”
“I’m not sure what that means, but okay,” the pegasus said politely. “Did you want to find Lyra and Twilight again so we can talk to them? Or do something else? I have books to read, if you want them.”
“It’s fine. I really don’t want to do anything other than sit here and be depressed and anxious about the fact that this is all real, but instead of that, I’d rather… run around and make a complete fool of myself and be a super scary monster like I’m supposed to be. That sounds like it would be fun. Better to pretend nothing's wrong than to just get angry like I am getting. I'm probably a second away from punching a hole in a wall.”
“Um, please don't do that, but, um, what might be more fun is a nice walk in the park?”
“Yeah, that might be better. Would save energy anyway, along with little risk of breaking my hand.”
The two of them barely made it a few steps outside before they were confronted by several ponies, all of whom who saw him making their way up to Archard on sight.
“Hey, there he is! It’s Arching!” a group of stallions said as they ran up to him. “Hey, Arching! We heard you can grant wishes! Can you grant ours? Please?”
“I would, but I have no idea who Arching is,” Archard replied. “Sorry.” He shrugged his shoulders and stared at them for a long moment.
“Our friend told us you granted his wish, though! He said you showed him true happiness! We want to experience that!”
“Oh! True happiness? That’s easy! Come here!” He went up to the first stallion and put his hands behind his ears and did his thing, watching as the pony practically melted into a puddle.
“Hey, I want some true happiness!” another stallion said, pushing his way forward to get his head up to the hands of the human. He was only there for a second before another stallion pushed him out of the way too, explaining that he wanted some, too. Other ponies had taken notice, and within a few minutes, Archard had about a dozen ponies jostling back and forth for his affection.
“I asked first! Let me have him!”
“No, me!”
“You two already got some happiness! Save some for everypony else!”
“Guys, guys,” the human tried to say. “There’ll be enough happiness for everyone! I just need you to all kindly form a line, and–”
“Me next!” somepony said, rubbing their head under Archard’s hand. Another one brushed against his leg eagerly, a few more walking around him carefully, trying to make their way up to him.
“No, I want him!” somepony else got out, pushing the first one out of the way. Archard didn’t move his hand at all, but it seemed simply walking back and forth under it and letting it brush against their mane was enough to elicit a purr.
“It’s like I’m surrounded by a bunch of cats,” the human commented, giving a look to Fluttershy before turning his attention back to the ponies. “Can we at least form two lines?” he asked, receiving no answer other than jostling. “Please? I’m being polite, I don’t know what else I can do.” He thought for a second before adding, “What if I make it twenty bits a pop? To be pet, it costs twenty bits per session.”
“I have twenty bits!” the first one under his hand said quickly, pulling the money out of a pocket near his side. “That means you have to pet me now!”
“I didn’t know ponies wore clothes, and also, I don’t have to accept your money. Because, um, uh… you also have to… read every single book in Golden Oaks Library fifty times.”
“No! You can’t make us do that!”
“He’s just trying to drive us away!”
"You granted other ponies wishes!”
"Well, you know, a great philosopher once said, 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try, you might find just what you need.' So maybe you should take that advice to heart."
"Well what we need is happiness! Are you gonna deprive us?"
Many of them started yelling angrily at him, looking like they wouldn’t take no to being petted for an answer. It made more ponies stop to look at the commotion, and then join in once they saw the human.
Archard gave a look to the yellow pegasus next to him, silently asking her for help with the crowd, and she reluctantly sighed and floated above the growing group.
“Everypony, listen!” Fluttershy suddenly got out. She didn’t yell, but the tone of her voice was enough to make everypony be silent and pay attention to her. She gave them all a look that was a mixture between an angry school teacher and a disappointed mother. It was one that made everypony in her sightline shrink back a little bit.
“I don’t appreciate the way you’re all crowding around Archard and yelling at him,” Fluttershy said sternly. “He’s trying his very best, and politely asked you all to form a line, and yet you’re all pushing him around. I expect better from ponies who know better, like you all do.”
“He granted those other ponies’ wishes though! We want our wishes granted!”
“Yeah, and we wish for happiness like that other stallion did!”
“Well maybe you should ask nicely instead of rushing up on him when he’s just trying to head to the park with me,” the pegasus said. “Honestly, I expect better from you all.” She closed her eyes and crossed her hooves, shaking her head disappointedly. The whole group simultaneously hung their heads in shame, seeming like they regretted the way they were acting.
“But… I wanna experience happiness,” somepony said. “And that petting felt super nice.”
“I’m sure it did. In fact, I know it did. But that’s no way for somepony to act to some creature, especially not one who just came to Ponyville. You should be treating him with more respect. Now all of you go home and think about what you’ve done.”
They all sighed at the same time, each of them walking off in a separate direction, dispersing. In a minute, the human and pony were alone, Fluttershy letting out a breath she’d been holding in as she settled her hooves back onto the ground.
“Oooh, that was scary,” she said nervously, practically shaking where she stood. “I was so worried they’d all get angry and try and attack you. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, and thanks. I hope that’s not gonna be a thing being here. As nice and as pettable as you ponies are, I’m not in the business of being harassed like that. Also, you didn’t seem afraid. You looked completely confident to me.”
“Oh, I was super scared. Heck, I wonder if I should have even done that. Maybe there was a better way to tell them… I hope they won’t be angry with me.”
“I’m certain they’re not gonna be angry,” the human laughed reaching over to her and grabbing her face in his hands to scratch her ears. She shivered and her hoof thumped happily in response.
“Such a good pony. Such a good pony. You’re such a good pony, and always so nice and kind to everyone,” he told her quietly as he scratched, moving his fingers up to her mane. “You’re the cutest gosh darned thing this world has ever seen and deserve all the ear scritches.”
“Look! She’s trying to hog the happiness for herself!” somepony suddenly called out of the blue, pointing an accusing hoof the two’s way. “Get them!”
“Shit.”