A/N: Yes, it's a Thurber homage.
Thock-Pop-Thock-Pop-Thock-Pop
The sound was monotonous, though not without interruption at unexpected times. It made the strange percussion both simple and yet chaotically complex. Doctor Silver Spoon adjusted her glasses as she looked around the jungle, her canoe cutting through the swift-flowing river, the banks showing the marks of occupation. She was being propelled along by the steady rowing of two pony natives, earth ponies wearing reddish body paint and small circlets of dried vines and gemstones.
'Youngest professor of Ethnology ever to graduate from the Royal Canterlot University, writer of the best final thesis they had seen in years, always highly praised by professors, from doctoral adviser to those that had just interacted with me. And those lame brains at the Noble Society wouldn't even look at my application because I had no “standing.” They're just jealous. But I'll show them. I'll find the secret of this tribe others could never crack. Then they'll see.'
Doctor Spoon's bitter thoughts cast a shadow over her features, almost making her miss that they were coming to a well-constructed if simple quay. The whole location looked like someone transported the style sensibilities of conventional Equestria into the jungle and reconstructed it with local materials. The houses were thatched in the broad leaves of local trees, sealed with bituminous pitch from some source they had likely located while digging for the gems they all seemed to wear. The walls were something like adobe but made with the local dark river mud. There were even windows composed of well-fitted gems held together with strips of metal and sealed with the pitch.
“Fascinating...” The glasses went up again. She gingerly exited the craft and pulled out the thin stack of notes in a manilla folder. There was not much written about the tribe, known locally as a very civilized and advanced group. They had been just one of the few remaining unknown groups in the great rain forest, until reports came back of them wearing the particular gem-enhanced circlets, and rumors of them living and acting like more centralized Equestrians. Ethnologists swarmed, but all came back with hardly anything. The tribe simply refused to say much or even take them very far into their territory. It had become a saying that nopony would ever crack them. Until Doctor Spoon proclaimed that she could do it.
“What a laugh they had...” It had been thought of as a joke, a boast from a poseur, a newly-minted PhD grandstanding to try and move the committed of The Noble Society. But she would have the last laugh. She had been seen by the tribe members, given encouraging signs, and finally invited to the very heart of the tribal lands. All in a quick sweep. Perfect.
It was the coup of the century. An unqualified success that gave her standing and the right to gloat over the stuffy dorks in The Noble Society. They'd all be just incensed that she beat them at their game. The very idea made her giggle and eagerly hop behind her guide. She was being taken to see the family in charge of the tribe.
The two rowers led her down a winding path that had been studded with stones in a very good imitation of a cobblestone road. It cut through the jungle, moving upwards just slightly. Around a bend the destination came into view. It was a huge, elaborate tree house, both carved from several living trunks and also enhanced by several additions and modules, all made of local materials, as all the rest of the local buildings. It was a manor rendered in primitive materials.
“Oh my... most... impressive.” It was... stunning. Magnificent. Scientifically fascinating! A manor house, among the jungle trees, looking for all the world like something a rich family in Equestria proper would have.
“The chief will see you.” Though the accent was thick, the grammar was perfect. Another odd quirk found in those that spoke common Equestrian. They had been taught, and taught well. It added wonderfully to the mystery. The paper would be wonderful.
She was led through the doors of carved local trees and tightly wrapped vines inset with beautiful jewels. Within, chandeliers hung from the ceiling, while furniture made from more local materials were placed tastefully around. The floor was made of polished wood, carefully laid into a surface that was smooth underhoof and clopped pleasantly with each step.
There was a large staircase at the far end of the main room, and at the top was... a very friendly-looking earth pony, with a slicked mane. He looked like a very respectable businesspony, but rather than a suit of the standard make he wore one made of woven local fibers. “Ahh, you must be the doctor that my secretary mentioned. My word, you are much shorter than I expected. Shetland?” The voice was cultured, the sound of old money.
“No, um... chief. I am a prodigy. Doctor Silver Spoon. Graduated with special dispensations from The Royal Canterlot University.” Doctor Spoon looked quite confused by the turn of events. That was certainly not what she expected.
“Of course, of course... no wonder they allowed you to come here. This makes perfect sense...” The chief stroked his chin slowly and nodded his head.
“Excuse me, chief, but what do you mean?”
“Oh no need for formalities, doctor. My name is Filthy Rich. Ah, but please do just call me mister Rich. You see... as you might imagine we are not from around here. My family and I had a bit of a mishap with our private airship. In retrospect I suppose we should have told somepony we would be here. We happened to be found by this most kind tribe. Now I know what some say about the upper crust. But we CAN be resourceful. A bit of organizational skill training, some rolling up my sleeves and showing I was worth the position and I was made the CEO of the tribe. Or the chief, I suppose.”
“That's very interesting, mister Rich. But what does that have to do with my being brought in here when other ethnologists were not?”
“Ahh yes... well now... they did not necessarily know you were a doctor of ethnology. You see, I was stranded here with my wife and young daughter. And I have mentioned many times that I wanted a companion for my daughter. And while the locals are very secretive and private, they knew that you might be exactly what I wanted. I hope you do not mind if your study trip is slightly interrupted by also being a companion.”
“Well, mister Rich, I know that you... well, I realize that things don't always go as planned in the field, but I don't know if...” Doctor Spoon began to prevaricate, tapping her hoof awkwardly on the floor.
“Daddy! Where did you go? I'm bored again! This music isn't entertaining anymore.” From the upper level cried out the voice of a young filly.
“Down here, sweetie! In fact, come down, there's somepony I'd like you to meet.”
“Fine! But then you had better...” The angry, snarling voice stopped when the young filly reached the top of the stairs and looked down towards Doctor Spoon. She was charming, pink and pretty, wearing the local attire of woven jungle fibers, but also had a tiara of silver and diamonds on her head. “Oh. O-oh...”
“Diamond Tiara, dear, this is Doctor Silver Spoon of the Royal Canterlot University. Doctor Spoon, this is my lovely daughter, Diamond Tiara. She would be for whom you provide companionship, should you choose to remain.”
She was staring at a wonder, her vision practically filled with a slow-motion, Gaussian-blur filly without a single flaw. Her breath quickened and mouth suddenly grew dry. “So lovely...”
Diamond Tiara smiled when she saw the flustered filly. Her normal response would be to press the advantage. But this filly... she was just so cute there was no option but to be very real. “Well well... Silver Spoon.”
“Yes...”
“Silver Spoon...”
“Yes.”
“Silver Spoon!”
“Ah! Y-yes?” Silver spoon shook her head and looked around her. Just where she had been before her focus drifted. The Canterlot Mountain Tennis Club, watching a low-level match between the champion, Ace, and some middle-ranked player being absolutely slaughtered. The ball gave a “thock” as it bounced off the racquet with a following “pop” off of the ground, the sound repeating as the match went on.
“Silver Spoon, were you... ignoring me?” Diamond Tiara did not have her usual sub-rage-filled expression of contempt. She looked genuinely hurt. Sorrowful even.
“No! No! Not at all! Never! Oh honey...” Silver leaned in against Diamond, the small crowd around them giving approving nods and smiles, both sets of parents sitting up a bit more proudly. “I love you. It's just, like, this thing is so boring, ya know?”
“Oh I know it. But you know, they say we have to be here.” Diamond rolled her eyes and nuzzled Silver softly, stroking a hoof down her back. “I'd SOOO rather be hanging out that that cute little boutique up the mountain.”
“Oh yea, totally. I love that place. You got that CUTE little dress for your Cuteceñera. I can't believe you just, like, gave it to me.” Silver adjusted her glasses, as a dark blush spread across her face.
“Well DUH! Of course I gave it to you. I can't wear it again since I was already in it. And who ELSE would get it but my fillyfriend? Nopony else DESERVES something that cute.” Silver sat up tall and swung her hoof in the air, a punching motion to emphasize her passionate statement.
Silver smiled sheepishly, back in her usual shrinking violet mode. She tucked her head under Diamond's chin, noting the surrounding ponies nodding again, one of them giving a stern look to another young filly, who scoffed and rolled her eyes. 'Not everypony can be so lucky...' she thought with a grin. “Do you want to go? I KNOW they'll let us go if we ask.”
“Yea, this is boring. We both know Ace is gonna win.” Diamond turned to her father and turned on the puppy dog eyes. “Daaaaddy. Can't Silver and I, like, go to that cute boutique? You know the one we like.”
Filthy Rich looked down with every intention to put up a fight. But one look at that adorable face sapped his resolve, leaving him smiling and ruffling her head. “Of course. We'll tell the Lodes where you went. It's perfectly safe going up in that direction. Have fun.”
“We will, daddy.” Diamond rose and motioned to Silver. “Come on, he said we can go.” Silver gave her parents a hug and then trotted off behind Diamond.
Getting to the boutique was extremely easy. Outside the club Diamond merely had to drop her father's name and a hansom was arranged with great speed. That conveyed the two fillies along the clean, well-tended streets populated with dapper stallions and proper mares, fine folk that took their location on the mountain of Canterlot very seriously. The cab finally stopped outside of a small, white shop with many fine dresses and decorated saddles in the window. The name above the door was given as, “Haughty Couture.”
Inside, the boutique was as opulently arrayed as the window implied. Dresses hung on equine forms, saddles sat displayed on shelves, and accessories of all kinds looked out appealingly from behind glass cases. The pre-made outfits hung on hangers, being looked through by a selection of beautiful mares and handsome stallions, those likely shopping for a surprise gift. Oddly, there was a new section in the store, as evidenced by fresh paint and shiny accoutrements, which displayed colorful ribbons of all description.
The two fillies broke into broad, gleeful smiles, giving high-pitched squeals of delight as the carnival of class came into view. Diamond ran right to the ribbons, holding them up by her tail and checking how they looked against her flanks. “Have you seen these? They're, like, THE latest thing. Fleur de Lis has totally been showing these off lately.”
“Ooh, pretty! I just need something to wear around. Ponyville is really small but I still need to look good.” Silver slid the hangers along, checking the dresses. The slide and clink of the hangers and rustle of dresses soon filled her mind, eyes just sliding over the attire.
Silver Spoon, world-famous filly of adventure and seeker of rare treasures, looked behind her, panting heavily after the flurry of activity. The death traps slid and clanked steadily, blades whirling or slashing out, rocks pushing out and spikes repeatedly stabbing the air.
“Let's see Daring do THAT!” She chuckled softly to herself and heaved a sigh, letting her heart rate drop back to a saner, more healthy level while also resting her screaming muscles. As skilled as she was she still was only a filly.
She fanned herself with her pith helmet and adjusted her glasses carefully. Beyond the hall of deadly things was a curving passage leading to what she presumed would be the treasure chamber. Such things tended to work like that. Settling the hat back on her head she trotted on, hoofsteps echoing around the stone passage.
A golden glow announced her arrival in the promised chamber. The flowing rivers of oil running through the walls, which she had lit at the entrance of the place, illuminated the room brightly. Statues, pottery and the remains of woven goods littered the room, the leavings of an ancient society, a boon to museums and scientists. But as in the best fiction, there was also a huge, showy diamond set in a thick, gaudy silver necklace attached to a heavy silver chain.
“Seems out of place for the civilization and the time... but who cares? It's mine now! And then... it'll belong to whichever museum feels like paying my hazard fee.” She picked it up from the central pedestal, admiring it in the flickering light of the flowing fire.
There came a sudden rumbling, the whole chamber trembling, the surrounding objects tumbling over and trembling across the shaking floor. Silver looked at the pedestal, checking for any kind of hidden switch, pressure plate or lever tripped by removing the necklace. Despite all her searching for the usual sign, there was nothing there. Just a smooth slab of rock.
All of a sudden the ceiling seemed to explode, chunks of stone falling around the room, though not destroying any of the fallen artifacts. Daylight streamed down from the hole, illuminating a strange apparatus. It looked like a giant, vaguely pony-shaped metal shell covered in spinning drill bits, with a humming thaumatomagnetic engine propelling it through the air.
The hulking metal brute hit the ground with a resounding thud, shaking up the room once more. Large spotlights snapped on with a subtle crackle of electricity, illuminating the stunned Silver Spoon. For the span of a few breaths nothing moved. Then there came the hiss of air and the scrape of metal on metal, the front of the device opening up.
The open front revealed, in a haze of kicked-up dust, a grinning pink filly. A beautiful carnation dress hugged her form, and a beautiful tiara sat on her head. She slowly slunk her way out of the control segment of the machine, sliding a hoof through her two-color mane. “Well, well, well... Silver Spoon. The great treasure hunter.”
“Diamond Tiara. Late to the party again, as usual.” Silver adjusted her glasses and licked her lips, which had suddenly gone dry. “And in another one of your contraptions. If I didn't know better I'd swear you weren't in this for the money, just from how much you spend on those things.”
“Oh come on, you KNOW it's never about the money. I have SOOO much already. It's the thrill of it. The grabbing and the fame. But... having a rival makes that kind of hard. You ALWAYS beat me to the good stuff, even when I start first. How do you do that?”
“You said it yourself. I'm the great treasure hunter. Old death traps and crumbling temples are nothing to me. And I don't even need to use fancy machines.”
“Hmph!” Diamond turned up her nose and snorted softly. “Well that's just great for you. I don't suppose you'll give me that so I can make a big deal out of it at my next party, will you?”
“Ha! It belongs in a museum! You know that, Diamond. That's always how it is.”
“Guh. Whatever. You and your museums. Fine. A museum. Give it to me so I can take it out there and get the credit for, you know, finding it and stuff.”
“Your machine may have gotten here to the treasure chamber, but I got here first. And got past all the traps. This is MY find. And I'm going to have another placard in another museum.”
“Fine! Be that way.” Diamond huffed and turned back to her machine, stepping slowly up into it. “I thought... even if we were rivals... that you... liked me.”
“Diamond... wait...” Silver looked down at the necklace in her hoof. “We could... donate it together, and split the finder's fee, plus my hazard fee. Do you have a spare seat in there?”
“Oh you can keep the bits. I just want to share a placard with you.” Diamond blew a flirty kiss and slowly stroked a padded space beside her, the driving space very like a bench. “And you know me... there's ALWAYS a space for you, Silver...”
“Th-thank you.” Silver adjusted her glasses shyly and stepped up into the machine, daintily taking a seat by Diamond, snuggled up good and close.
“So what are you going to do with your money? There's plenty of things to get, like cute little dresses, or some really nice art. Maybe jewels!”
Silver chuckled softly as the metal front began to close again. “No. Maybe something practical like a new couch set, or a table, or maybe just some food for my pet. Yea, I need to pick up some peacock chow...”
“Peacock chow...” Silver muttered to herself, still flipping through the racks and being generally unaware of her surroundings.
“She said peacock chow.” A group of fillies, a mix of unicorns and pegasi, tittered softly at the strange statement, the oldest one, a yellow unicorn, sneered. “What a freak. Talking about peacock chow...”
“Hey!” Diamond Tiara galloped up, fury bright in her eyes. “Don't you dare say that kind of thing about my fillyfriend!” She shook a hoof at the slightly-stunned gathering. “So what if she said that? She probably needs to tell her dad to buy more. She has a pet peacock. I'll bet none of YOU have a pet peacock, do you?” When no reply was forthcoming she took Silver into a protective hug and snorted. “That's what I thought. Now get out of here, you insulting pests.” She nuzzled the glasses-wearing filly comfortingly. “You okay, sugarlump rump?”
Silver sniffed softly and gave a nod, burying her head against Diamond's chest. “Y-yes.” She paused a moment and then softly added, “You saved me. Again. My princess in shining gems.”
“More like your dame in shining jewelry.” Diamond grinned smugly for a moment, basking in the praise. “Did you really just say, 'peacock chow'?”
“Um, yea. I was... remembering I need more of it. I'll have to visit Fluttershy, because she's the only one in Ponyville that has any.”
“You should, like, arrange for deliveries from Canterlot. It TOTALLY gives you cred to get packages from up in Canterlot. You don't have to tell anypony it's pet food. That's what I did with my... corrective hoofgear.”
Silver tittered quietly behind a hoof and nodded. “Did you see anything you liked?”
“I though about those ribbons but, that's, like, a whole new style I'd need to plan. I'd need a completely new ensemble to go with them. And that means daddy and his money have to be here. And since we'd TOTALLY need to match your daddy and money have to be here too.”
“Oh... yea! That's right. Guess we have to go back to the club and beg them to bring us back here. And give us money.” Silver jumped to her hooves and directed her body to the door.
“Oh no need for both of us to go. You stay around here and pick an outfit. I'll be back REALLY fast. I'll bet daddy wouldn't mind leaving that match.” Diamond planted a parting kiss on Silver's cheek, trotting swiftly out of the boutique.
“Is that your fillyfriend? She seems nice.” One of the workers, an older teen unicorn mare, trotted up, gaze holding on Diamond Tiara trying to get a cab. “Protects you from bullies, wants matching outfits, does all the work getting money. She's sure a keeper. Reminds me of a filly I used to date. She was kinda stuck-up but that was almost half her charm. Now she and I...”
The chattering. The endless, senseless chattering. She was always surrounded by it. This wasn't at all what she expected when she took on the task of being art director for a new production in the famous Royal Canterlot Theater, sometimes known as Urbi Et Orbi. And what was worse, she had no choice but to bear it. As the youngest art director ever in the long history of the facility, she had to prove herself. She could not give up or lose her patience, or she might never find work again.
But the actresses! The actors were fine, they tended to talk only when something was really needed, and since they didn't often have much to do with set design or anything similar they had little reason to speak with her. The actresses, however, were the shallowest, most overbearingly jaw-loose creatures she had ever seen. Other mares that she knew were nothing like that. She just couldn't explain it.
Silver gave a sigh and looked over her work. Sketchbooks filled with the set and costume designs from the more specific artists, a unified vision for the revival of a classic production. Re-imaginings were always big ticket things. The same old lines with new outfits and a new backdrop. Somehow that made the whole thing new enough for the audience, even if in some cases it left modern-ish ponies talking like Princess Luna.
Everything was looking good. The costumes had a fusion of post-Banishment upper class style with other more contemporary touches, including a Nightmare flair to the lead actress' costume. And as was befitting, the backgrounds were made to look like reasonably contemporary high society locales. Silver looked over the lead actress' costume again, noticing that there wasn't anything in the location of the face, just a big blank. She had not yet met the actress in question. Nor was she likely to. She hadn't designed it, she didn't have to make it. But still, knowing the specific dimensions and look of the actress would probably help her to tweak the design if appropriate
“Hello? Is anypony here?” The voice was sweet, melodious. Certainly, there was a slight rasp to it, just an edge, that added to the overall loveliness of the voice. The owner of the voice was revealed to be a filly, a vision in pink with a two-toned mane. “I was told the art director was in here.”
It took a moment of working her jaw and careful breathing for Silver to be able to speak again. “Yes, yes, that's me!” She adjusted her glasses sheepishly and coughed into her hoof. “H-how can I help you?”
The filly bounced her mane and struck a dramatic pose. “Isn't it obvious? I'm Diamond Tiara, the lead actress. Are you surprised to see a filly like me at Urbi Et Orbi? I've been acting since I was a tiny foal. Now I'm going to debut on the big stage. Besides, you're a little filly too, and you're here.”
“I'm sorry for not recognizing you. I've just been... really busy with all of this. I, um.. didn't even know what you looked like. Which is a shame. You're very pretty. Oh! And I say that because, umm, I think it will really enhance the costume design.”
“Let me see...” Diamond strolled to the book which had the costumes and looked at hers. “Oh I love it! It's just perfect for the role. But... do you think I can pull off a Nightmare style?”
“Oh yes, of course! You'll stand out beautifully against the backdrops... but... maybe it needs some more lace, black crepe, and your makeup is going to be the most important aspect of it all. Your beautiful face should be even more beautiful.”
Diamond smiled more brightly, bouncing her mane again and setting the book aside. She pressed up against Silver, who began to blush deeply. “You know... maybe we could talk about that somewhere... private. Someplace that's just you and me.”
“Just you and me...” Though Silver still blushed deeply, a contented smile spread across her face. “That's... it sounds strange but that's all I ever dreamed of...”