“What do you mean she joined secretly?! How is that allowed?!” You shouted towards Cozy Glow. Upon calling your time out, she had descended to see what the problem was. She seemed so confused, and a little upset by your irritated attitude.
“W-well, Anon. Erm, she joined right after Scrappy did, in secret, just like him. Nocreature said she wasn’t allowed to do that.” Cozy said, hiding her head under her clipboard.
“You need to calm down now, ain’t no reason to be yellin’ at the little filly.” The Snow Avenger said.
“I’m not yelling at her, geez. And you shouldn’t be here!” You said, pointing at her before looking back at Cozy Glow. “And what about her snow shovel?! We said no weapons, right?”
“Ummm…” Cozy Glow started to look down the notes on the clipboard, reading them aloud. “No magic, no fire breath, no flying, no transformation, and no horn. Nope, nocreature said anything about a snow shovel. S-sorry, Anon, but I don’t see what the issue is. Golly, I haven’t seen you upset like this in a while. I-is everything okay?”
No, everything was not okay! You just wanted to have a snow war with your friends, and you were just about fine with Scrappy’s bullshit. But this was too much! “No, everything is not okay.” You then turn towards the Snow Avenger. “I know that’s you, Granny Smith! Why?! Why are you even here?! Answer me!”
The Snow Avenger stood there silently, then sighed as she removed her mask. It was indeed her, but she seemed more irritated than anything else. “Scrappy already told ya, didn’t he? You know what it’s like to be seen as an old mare that can’t do nothin’? Applebloom treatin’ me like I need extra help, or Applejack thinkin’ I’m getting to old for anything excitin’? Now they even got Scrappy thinkin’ such things and I ain’t gonna put up with it! Figured if I can take down the best of ya’ll, maybe I’d get some respect.”
Wut?
“Woah, woah, woah. Hold on. Are you saying you only came in last minute to fight the last team?! How does that make sense?! What does that even prove?” What the fuck was going on?!
“Proves I can still give a trouncin’ in a good ole snowball war, for one. Back in my day, we had snowball wars in blizzards. Twenty feet of snow and hail the size of barnyards! Winnin’ against the likes of you ain’t nothin’.” She said, nodding her head in defiance to your questioning.
W-wut?
“But… We’re foals, and stuff. What would you be proving by beating a bunch of foals? That you can beat foals? I mean, I get it, you don’t like your family thinking you’re too old to do anything. But, like, did you ever try talking to them?” You asked her.
“Tried with Applejack, but she’s more stubborn than the last apple hangin’ on a tree. Same with Scrappy. Figured it was the last straw and I start takin’ matters into my own hooves, one step at a time.” She answered.
“Okay… But, again, foals?” You said, rolling your hooves in a way to emphasize how retarded her thinking was.
“Well… Erm.” Finally, it seems to have hit her as she took a moment to think to herself. “Maybe that weren’t the best idea. I guess the way Scrappy got all gung-ho about avengin’ my honor or whatever kinda got under mah skin.”
“Yeah” You said, with a pop in your speech. “Look, truthfully? I already know that you pretty much run Sweet Apple Acres. That place can’t function without your business skills and connections. And I know you can put in the work Applejack, and even Big Mac can.”
“You’re darn tootin’ I can. Hmm…” Granny Smith started rubbing under her chin as she came to a realization. “But talkin’ to her still doesn’t do any good. She just don't see it.”
“Yeah, I know. Trust me, I know. But, Granny Smith, c’mon… Look, I’m not going to fight you, okay? And it isn’t because you’re old. It’s more that I can see how this would end up. If I win, I’ll be condemned for beating an old mare. If you win, I’ll be shamed for losing to an old mare. Not to mention everypony will think you’re crazy for jumping in and trying to crush, y’know, foals.” You told her, remaining calm and patient, now that it seemed you were defusing the situation.
“Hm, you’re right, and I don’t need Applejack lecturin’ me on nothing she doesn’t know. Hm, nothing she doesn’t know. Now that gives me a better idea.” Granny Smith then looks to you with a warm smile and pats your head. “Tell you what. I’m gonna forfeit this here war, as long as you don’t tell nopony I was in it. Can ya both do that?”
Cozy Glow nodded “Mhmm, if it means helping a friend!”
“Yeah, I can totally do that.” Thank fucking christ. “But what about Scrappy? I kinda feel for you, Granny Smith. I don’t want him thinking you can’t do anything.”
“Don’t worry about him, I got it all figured out. See, I’m gonna go on a whole month’s vacation and leave Applejack to run Sweet Apple Acres. Bout time she starts pullin’ triple time like I had to when I was a young mare. I ain’t going to be here forever and she should know enough to run the orchard without me. Gonna have to tell Big Mac he ain’t to help with any of the business decisions. Gonna have to ask Mr. Rich to be lenient on her before I go. Ain’t good for teachin’ but I can’t let our best buyer think we’ve gone plum crazy under new management now.” Granny Smith explained.
Uh… “What about Scrappy though?”
“Scrappy? Oh oh, right. He’s just gonna have to understand that losin’ is a part of life. I don’t like to be hard on the little fella but ah think it’s ‘bout time he get a real stern talking to about all this ‘honor and glory’ huckabaloo. When he comes to, you send him my way, I’d rather Applebloom not be around him when I tell him what’s what. She ain’t his mother, but you’d think she is the way he acts, and I don’t want her babying him. If he’s gonna be an Apple, then ‘bout time he learns what it means to really be one.” Granny Smith further explained.
For some reason, that actually made you worry for him. It made you wonder how strict and stern she was suddenly going to be with him. “I mean, yeah, I agree. But, erm, I mean…”
“Now, don’t you worry now, I ain’t gonna do nothin’ I haven’t done before. He just needs to understand that his ‘glory’ shenanigans needs a stoppin’, or he at least needs to understand that there ain’t no need to seek glory in everything. “ Granny Smith says with a wink towards you, alluding to how you taught her that, before she stretches her legs. “Well, the snow is gettin’ to these old bones. I’m gonna be a gettin’.” She then starts to walk away as she has a bit of a laugh to herself. “Imagine that, me learnin’ a lesson from a bear.”
Damn straight! You were not going to deal with this season four tier craziness over what could be solved with some actual fucking sensible talking. Holy shit, you were actually impressed with yourself. You man-HEY WAIT!
“Bear?! DAMMIT! SHE STILL THINKS I’M A BEAR?!” Oh, hell no! You started to rush up after her, so you could tell her once and for all you weren’t a bear! “Hey! Come back! I want you to look at me! I WANT YOU TODFASFDSD” But as you took another step, you fell deep into a hole under the snow. Even worse, you suddenly felt yourself become sticky and sweet. Was this a trap?! WITH HONEY TO IRONICALLY SNARE YOU?! “DSFDZD! NGH! N-ngh… mnngh… Dammit…” You struggled the best you could, but you just couldn’t unstick yourself out of the hole.
Cozy Glow then poked her head up and looked down at you. “Anon? Are you alright?”
You just sighed as you laid there in sticky honey. “...No.” You said with a grumpy look.
“W-well, erm, if it makes you feel better, your team won the war. And you managed to do it without hitting anypony! Well, technically not hitting anypony. Does that help?” She asked, her ears folding back slightly.
“Not r-Wait, We won?! I won?! Are you serious?!” Holy shit, that’s right! Granny Smith forfeited, that meant her entire team was out of the game.
Cozy Glow lit up as she noticed your mood lifting. “I am serious! I really am! Gee, Anon, it really is amazing the way you won like that! I always knew you were capable of being a real friendship professor! Do you think I should tell Headmare Twilight about this?”
Good god no! If Twilight found out that you managed to defuse a situation with Granny Smith, through the power of words, she’d do worse than be mad at you, she’d turn you into a specimen of study in which no hell would be greater. “No! I mean, no. Cozy, it’s just something I’ve been trying to get good at, that’s all. I wouldn’t say that was anything masterful or anything like that.”
“You don’t think so? I thought it was amazing. But, if you say it wasn’t, then it wasn’t, I won’t argue, no siree. Well, I’m going to help dig out Smolder and tell everycreature the super amazing and awesome results! If you need any help, just let me know, okay?” She said as she scampered off.
“I’m fine… I can get out of this…” You then began to whisper to yourself. “I don’t need everypony knowing I got trapped in a literal honeypot of a hole.” You sighed to yourself as you began gnawing at the goop on your legs. Stupid Granny Smith, planning to use stupid honey traps because she thought you were a stupid bear. Still, you felt some satisfaction over managing to talk her down out of a fight like that. It felt reassuring. You didn’t want to be who you used to be, you didn’t want to keep walking into the same issues you always found yourself in due to your arrogance.
You never wanted to see anything resembling a spirit of harmony.
You didn’t need help. You didn’t need to involve anyone in anything dangerous. As you tore through the honey and began to climb out of the hole, you felt this was a good step towards your redemption.
Cozy Glow, she still thinks of you as a friendship professor. Maybe she wasn’t wrong, maybe if you just thought things out and used the logic ponies typically never use, you could ascend beyond the problems they typically deal with.
Or fuck being a professor. Maybe just getting everyone to realize that going to insane extremes for every issue would be good enough. You’d think Equestria was more chaos than harmony half the time.
“Anon!” You heard a sharp cry as you neared coming out the hole.
“GYAH!” Startled, you fall over backwards into the hole, getting stuck in the honey again.
“Anon!” It was Diamond, calling out to you, looking excited yet upset. “What are you doing down there, Anon? Wait, what’s with the honey?”
You just laid there, looking annoyed as you stared straight up. “Nothing, I just thought I’d stick around for a while.”
“Oh, you’re just celebrating. You used your horn, right? I… Um, do you mind if I come down there and celebrate with you? I want to see how it is to celebrate your way.” She asked, blushing a little. You wondered if she actually meant that, or if she was just happy to see you win and wanted to be at your side.
You nearly sighed, but held back. You weren’t annoyed with her, but now she probably thought you were weird to be down in a hole full of honey that was meant to be a trap. You just wanted to warp back up at this point. But hey, she thought you were celebrating, so why not just let her indulge? “Yeah, sure. Come on down.”
“Alright, here I come!” Diamond said as she jumped into the hole without hesitation. “Catch me, Anon!”
….OH SHIT!
And of course, due to your own stupid mouth, She just falls right onto you. Sending a shock of pain through you as she laid on top of you, looking around at the honey.
“Anon? Now that I’m down here… I don’t know, I kinda don’t wanna get all sticky and stuff. My parents totally wouldn’t like it.” She said, still on top of you as she only tapped at some of the honey and pulled back.
Uuuuuugghhhhhhhhhhh…