This paper is an essay in name only.
And because Sandbar told me I can’t submit it otherwise.
In truth, this is a proclamation of how flawed the Equestrian ideal of boundless generosity truly is. Written proof of how I, Gallus T. Griffon, singleclawedly broke one of the pillars of Equestrian morals in the only way I know how.
By exploiting dumb, overly trusting ponies. Though this time with cupcakes and not scams.
As with most of my schemes, I began just after school let out. Quickly making my way to Sugarcube Corner, henceforth known as SCC, I immediately asked to take part in their new ‘Unlimited Cupcakes’ deal. Surprisingly, I was told by Pinkie Pie that I was the first to take advantage of this bargain.
I swear, you ponies know nothing of the grift.
I also let it slip that this was all for a counterculture-esque essay, to which she replied: “Heck yeah! Fight the power!”
Knowing I had one ally in the building, I paid the fee and found myself a comfortable table to wait for the first of many cupcakes.
3:10PM - As testament to SCC’s speedy service, my first cupcake was at the table almost as quick as I was. I began with an old favorite, a decadent red velvet, to help ease me into this experiment. After a rich, creamy bite I couldn’t help but ask Pinkie how she manages to make them taste so good
Her evasive answers and rush to the back made the deep red cupcake seem all the more ominous. Despite this, I persevered and finished the first of many cupcakes.
3:30PM - After a quick break, I decided to ask Pinkie to surprise me.
3:45PM - A Rainbow Dash themed cupcake was… quite the surprise. It sat ominously on my plate for a few minutes, her cutie mark emblazoned upon its light blue dough reminding me it was only a few days before she mysteriously disappeared on ‘Official Wonderbolt Business.’
3:48PM - I tentatively took a bite and was thankful it didn’t taste like any pony meat I’ve had. Instead, it was just a vanilla cupcake dyed with cyan food coloring. Sugary in a way that sticks to the tongue for longer than desired.
Much like the pony, definitely not my favorite.
3:49PM - To clarify, I don’t go around tasting pony meat. The only pony meat I’ve tasted is Sandbar’s.
3:50PM - Another clarification. The Sandbar I tasted was his foreleg, which I only bit as a dare. I would say get your mind out of the gutter, but I’ve seen the books you hide behind those fashion magazines. Your mind comes pre-guttered.
4:04PM - Speaking of the venn diagram of ‘Favorite Pony’, ‘Fashion Magazines’, and ‘Pony Meat’, Sandbar swung by to wish me luck in my journey. He and I enjoyed his favorite, a carrot cupcake, in solidarity.
Not having the heart to tell him adding vegetables to cupcakes defeats the purpose, I instead invited him to join me in my act of teenage rebellion.
He turned me down, citing a need to ‘hit the gym’ instead.
Though my fight is clearly alone, he left me with a kiss.
4:10PM - Watching Sandbar leave distracted me enough to not notice Smolder snuck her way to my table. It also distracted me away from noticing the next cupcake delivery, a simple chocolate.
I only realized it when Smolder consumed the entirety in one bite, paper included.
When asking Pinkie for another, I also asked if it could count toward my total.
She said no. But at least she made Smolder pay for the one stolen.
Before leaving, Smolder leaned in close to wipe a bit of frosting from my cheek. I blushed, something I only admit because it means I was flustered by two genders today.
All I needed was a visit from Ocellus and I could bag a third.
4:30PM - No visit, just more cupcakes. I flinched as Pinkie dropped off a mint chocolate one, to which she gave an uncharacteristically cocky smile.
Does she think she’s beaten me already? Have cracks already formed in the thin veneer of my ego?
Perhaps, but I don’t intend to let them show for long.
4:35PM - Already full of three sugary cupcakes, it’s hard for me to stomach a fourth. I don’t know how you ponies do it. Pinkie casually eating dozens is obviously not the norm, but I’ve even seen Applejack eating more than this.
I finish the cupcake, but it sits heavier than the other three.
4:50PM - Pinkie keeps coming by to ask if I’ll be ordering another cupcake. I don’t want to admit that she’s bested me, but the sinister glint in her eyes tells me she already knows.
She has always known.
5:00PM - I leave SCC with my tail between my legs. The two bit price tag on each cupcake means I didn’t even eat my money’s worth. As any griffon would know, this is a failure upon failures.
As I leave, Pinkie gives me a characteristically large wave.
My own wave is small.
Tinged in defeat.
---
“Quite the interesting paper, Gallus.” Rarity smiled wryly as she finished reading Gallus’ scrawlings to her class. “While normally this wouldn’t be allowed, I feel that your attempted refutation of Equestrian Generosity in fact solidifies the concept. I am, however, a bit disappointed you only made it to four cupcakes.” She laughed a bit, her smile growing wider. “Perhaps a bit more and you truly would have bested us, as you say, ‘dumb ponies’?”
Gallus, resting his head on his desk, groaned. Whether it was the unwanted attention or the sugar still racing through his system was anyone’s guess.
“In fact, I respect your efforts enough to award you the top prize.” Rarity continued. “Fifteen extra points on our next exam!”
It was now the entire class who groaned in response, loudest of those being Ocellus.
“Hah!” Gallus exclaimed, lifting a claw to aim it as a gun towards the Changedling sitting beside him. “Suck it, bugaboo!”