UpIsNotJump had seen and done many strange things in his life. Throwing a mannequin off the roof, playing bad christmas VR games, making his videos, and many many other things. But this, this was the weirdest thing had ever experienced. As he stood in the Castle of Friendship, he was currently being poked and prodded by a purple pony with wings and a horn, while the other ponies simply looked at him. Growing annoyed with the poking, he waved Twilight with his hand angrily.
"If your gonna poke, ask me out to dinner first!" Cue Twilight backing up in slight fear and confusion, still un-aware of what this being was capable of. The other ponies were slightly confused and afraid of this unknown being's powers or strengths, except for Shining, who knew that they wielded the blade expertly, even if was with an extended limb. Celestia and Luna could easily sense high level readings of chaos radiating from the creature, chaos that a certain Draconequus had likely already noticed, as a pair of eyes sprouted on a vase, spying on the creature.
"I apologize for angering you, I just wanna know what the heck you are!"
"Well, if it wasn't obvious, I'm a human."
"What's a hyu-man- Wait I remember, but you don't look like any human's I've seen!"
"Well, first off, don't emphasize the hu part, and second..." Cue a very deep breath, as a whiteboard displaying the human body appeared. "Humans, other wise known as homo sapiens, are said to have evolved from monkeys, unless you ask those religious fucks then they'll give you something COMPLETELY different. Anyways, humans are most well known for their intelligence, unless they're an anti-vaxxer, and their strength, unless they're an incel. Humans are also known to be bi-pedal creatures, with highly dexterous hands, allowing us to perform advanced tasks like tying knots and beating our meat."
Cue Pinkie raising her hoof. "Why do you beat your meat?"
UpIsNotJump slightly chuckled while Shining Armor proceeded to go dead pan, before Jump straightened himself up. "Best you don't know. Anyway, we humans have a variety of complex organs, like the kidneys, the intestines, the stomach, the spleen, the ass, loads of different organs, but anyway, all you need to know, is that I am a human, and I do regular human things. If you count making youtube videos and screaming for the sake of comedy regular human things."
"Honestly, that seems regular to me!" Rainbow Dash slightly chuckled.
"Everything seems regular compared to you, Pinkie."
"Yeperoni!" UpIsNotJump simply sighed as he turned to Twilight.
"So are you satisfied with my explanation?"
"I guess so..."
"Good, now can someone please help me figure out where the hell I am, and maybe get me some damn coffee."
Suddenly, the vase with eyes vanished in a cloud of smoke, as Discord emerged cackling like a mad man, as UpIsNotJump proceeded to scream. "WHAT IN FUCKS NAME ARE YOU?"
"Why, I am Discord, Draconequus master of chaos."
"Well, mister master of chaos, can you get me a damn coffee?"
"Question, what is coffee?" Cue UpIsNotJump's eyes lighting up, as he took a deep breath, before speaking. "Coffee is without a doubt the most beloved drink in my home country, the UK." Suddenly, an unknown voice began to speak from the void as a certain Britishmen reared his top hatted head.
"Well actually I think you'll find there is a more tradiontal-" UpIsNotJump rapidly shushed the Spiffing Brit back into the void before speaking again.
"Coffee is the second most used commodity in the entire world, second only to oil... And we all love that. But coffee's history, production, and chemistry are far more complex than most people think. Generally I take a bit of a grim view on the coffee you can get from the big chain coffee houses, and I probably shouldn't name any in particular, but some of my least favorite are [CENSORED], [REDACTED], and Al's toy barn. So what follows now is a short documentary i've made on how larger coffee chains general produce their coffee." Cue the projection of a film playing, as everyone proceeded to take a seat.
[A Film By UpIsNotJump]
"Here, come come, we found some!" Cue UpIsNotJump running into a shrub and digging through some dirt with his hands. "I can't believe we found some so easily!" He then took a big sniff of the dirt. "Oh yeah... Get that in there!" He then shoved the dirt in a coffee tin, then sprayed into it with a hose. "This is how we source that flavor!" He then dropped the tin on the ground and kicked it a bit, then cutting to a scene of him drinking. "Ten more please!"
[End]
The ponies all looked extremly confused, as UpIsNotJump re-assured them. "Don't worry, that's not how coffee is actually made, lemme actually explain. Big coffee brands generally source their beans... BEANS, like cereal grains, in that they buy as much as they can at the lowest price possible, and then blend it all together. They then patented it, packaged it, and they *SLAP* slapped it on a plastic lunch box, and your selling it, you want to sell it!"
[Part 1, The History]
"Legends tells of a ninth century Ethiopian sheep herder named Kaldi, who herded his sheep through the forests of Kapha. He noticed one day after his sheep ate some strange berries, they were imbued with a god like energy. Inquisitve, he too ate the berries, and had the... Natural response..."
"Ooooh, why did I eat those berries!"
"Although this story is likely to be... Ahem, utter shite, ethiopia is believed to be where Coffee originated, and by the sixteenth century it had already spread through africa and the ottoman empire. Eventually, coffee made its way to Europe, but as it originated from predominately Muslim areas, the europeans, who were christian, didn't initially trust it. So you know, no fucking change there. With Europe came the British east india company, oh good!"
Cue aggressive british music.
"Realizing that they could make even more money off the suffering of their fellow human beings, they used their advantages to trade coffee further afield like America, and Indonesia. In the beginning, America wasn't too thrilled about Coffee because it was still too expensive to realistically come in Grande sizes. So it went mostly un-noticed until 1770 held the boston tea party, the event was a total failure with not enough clutted cream being served or something, so america boycotted tea, and started drinking coffee instead."
"Just to be clear, the boston tea party was actually an american political protest, where American patriots, some of which were disguised as native americans, dumped tea into boston harbor, which caused it to be banned in America, and y'know, less significantly started the entire American revolution. Following this, coffee made its way to mid and South America, and humans quickly realized the perfect climate to grow coffee was in fact, the rain forest. Oh brilliant!"
"Okay, I'm starting to see where this is going, maybe we should have just stuck to drinking tea..." And the BritishMen cometh from the void once more.
"Now see, this is what ive been talking about-" Only to be silenced once more by the great shushing.
"You see, originally coffee was grown in the shade of existing forests. And this was until the 1970's when some ass-hat realized..."
"Hmmmm, if you grow coffee in open fields, you actually get a higher yield of coffee!" Said a version of UpIsNotJump wearing a scientist costume and holding a book about Coffee.
"Oh, well fucking say no more!" Lumberjack UpIsNotJump said.
"Ah yes, but that can reduce bio-diversity in those areas by up to 80%-"
"Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm clearing trees!"
"While Coffee was spreading through the Americas, the Dutch, were helping it to spread through Asia. And eventually the whole world was drinking it. It's just that good." Cue him taking a sip of a cup of Coffee spawned from out of nowhere. "Oh yeah..." He then chipped his tooth, as Applejack raised her hoof.
"That's mighty fine and interesting, but how do you even grow it?"
"Well, to answer that..."